Let’s face it: there is no good version of a child; however, there are several different kinds of “evil” to choose from. There exist among the ranks of children many different types, from the "Screamers" to the "Quiet Psychos." What type you get is completely random; it has nothing to do with prenatal care, or what you eat or drink while you’re pregnant, so stop blaming yourself now. Traits that identify behavior develop at an early age. The three most likely types are Screamers/Noisemakers (SN), Intelligent Problem-Causing (IPC), and the Quiet Psycho (QP) types.

The SN type is the most common of the three. They are capable of screaming for hours on end without taking a breath, and often insist on making noise with objects around them if they are not allowed to use their voice. Typically, they have loud voices that carry well, and can be heard in a ten-block radius if weather conditions are right. SN types usually grow up to be lawyers, minor politicians, or rap singers. They move forward well in the work force, though not due to being assertive. Rather, their managers are filled with a fierce desire to keep away from them, and so they are promoted further and further up the ladder until someone either fires them or makes them president of the company.

IPC types are relatively uncommon. These are the kids that grab anything that isn’t nailed down and flush it down the toilet as soon as they learn to walk. These children are excellent at hiding, sneaking, and generally keeping you from knowing what kind of evil they’re up to at any given time. These children are also capable of turning any minor appliance in your house into a death ray when you aren’t looking merely by turning a few of the knobs. These child types are not to be trifled with, and have the potential to become megalomaniacs; some are even successful for a time. On the bright side, these children are more likely to grow up and become programmers, rocket scientists, and mathematicians. Granted, this does very little for society, but the child will make a lot of money that they can give to you when you get too old to take care of yourself. In some rare, tragic cases, IPC types become Mac users; however, careful parenting can easily prevent this. Just be sure they get the chance to rewire a few small appliances before they hit puberty.

The rarest of the three major types is the QP type. These types are the ones that have a tendency to sit alone and stare at walls, ceilings, or other blank surfaces for long periods of time. Although this behavior seems to indicate stupidity, it is in fact a way of developing a general hatred for the rest of humanity, which a QP type needs to survive in the world. These children also display other antisocial behavior, such as biting and frothing at the mouth in front of guests. They have even been known to growl, howl, and scratch at fleas in the presence of company. These children are also good at hiding and sneaking, but tend to be better at evading notice altogether. QP types often become sociopaths, such as postal workers. They are also capable of becoming leaders of major global powers, such as the United States of America or Japan. They can also become totally sick and twisted deviants, such as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. These children are best left in your basement and kept a close family secret.

Granted, not every child will fit into these categories, but the majority will come close. The few that don’t fit in may very well become productive, voting members of society; but don’t bet on it.