They’re necessary for the survival of the species, they carry our genes, they ensure that we are genetically immortal. With all these benefits, there have to be some problems, most of which people never think about before they have children.

The first problems most people become uncomfortably aware of is the fact that all children, from the day they are born to the day they move out, are messy, smelly, and noisy. The first messes that new parents discover are baby messes. While these seem disgusting-and are guaranteed to be smelly-they are, mercifully, located all in one relatively small place. This place is usually in a six-foot radius around the baby, but may be larger in the case of an exceptionally large or healthy child. Babies are also notorious for being loud. This is actually something of a misconception. Babies are only loud in densely populated areas, such as restaurants, movie theaters, and public transportation vehicles. In these situations, babies are capable of screaming for several hours without taking a breath. Scientists still don’t understand this phenomenon. In the home, babies are usually very quiet, which is what leads their parents to believe that it is not inconsiderate to take them into public places. Of course, children between the ages of three and twelve seem to be capable of much more horrific messes and noises than babies are. They do everything from crying to banging pieces of furniture together. The messes they make are rarely limited to one small locale, and are often found strewn from one side of your house to the other. Should they discover where the kitchen is and decide to make you breakfast, you can plan on a mess of truly epic proportions. This will be where the smell factors in. Nothing stinks worse than burnt grapefruit. When children become teenagers, however, they become too lazy to make noises of their own. This does not mean you’ll get peace and quiet. This means that your children will resort to electronic appliances to make the noise for them. They will play CDs, they will honk their car horns, and if they think you’re really stupid, they’ll try and have keggers in their rooms. Of course, teens know how to cook, at least to some extent. You would think this would save you from bad kitchen smells. It does. Don’t set foot in their rooms, though, because that’s where they’re storing all the dishes they’ve ever used and never cleaned. If you have a child, plan on at least eighteen years of messes, noises, and bad smells. After that, you can try and make them move out. Be nice, though… your children will be picking the rest home you go to when you get too old to take care of yourself.

The only thing more painful than being a parent is hanging around people who are parents. Many of these people have large portfolios of pictures of their children hidden on their body in a place that makes it easy for them to whip the pictures out quickly. They then tackle you, sit on your chest, and make you look at pictures of their children. It is thought that this is a way of relieving some of the stress of parenting by showing the world what these parents have to put up with. However, the world doesn’t really care, and would rather lick the bumper of a rolling Greyhound bus on a cold day than see another portfolio-full of child pictures. Unfortunately, nobody has the guts to say this to the face of someone who was crazy enough to have children in the first place, so parents keep showing pictures of their disgusting, noisy children to innocent bystanders while the rest of the world carefully backs away. Another problem with parents is that most seem to think their children are perfect. You will never hear a parent say their child is dumber than a jar of spoiled mayonnaise. You will also never hear a parent discuss a child’s bad behavior with another parent. They may, however share this information with people who don’t have children, because these people will laugh at the story of how little Tommy flushed daddy’s watch down the commode. Parents seem to believe that non-parents think that this behavior is cute and funny. What we’re really laughing about is how happy we are that we aren’t parents.

Of course, one has to admit that there are upsides to parenting. Remember, you can raise them any way you want and mold them into your own image, as long as you don’t spank them in public or physically harm them in any way. This may at first seem to put a major damper on what you had planned, but hear me out. While other parents are teaching their children to be polite, you can stand around your kids and swear like a sailor, eat everything with your hands, and put your elbows on the table. Be certain to teach them witty comments for every situation, and this bad behavior will be overlooked. You can also ensure that at least one person on the planet isn’t entirely dysfunctional. Just be sure your child doesn’t become a politician; it’s more important to raise honest children.

Children also make an excellent weapon against people you hate. Babies are the best. When you have a guest over that you hate, take your baby, preferably right after eating, and shake it up by bouncing it around on your knee and making silly faces at it. The guest will see this as cute and endearing, and will want to hold the baby, too. When the guest takes the baby, the baby will realize they are wearing a clean shirt, and proceed to remedy the problem. Just try not to laugh too hard; your guest might figure out what’s going on. However, the child does not cease to be a weapon as they grow. If your child has just gotten a new noise-making toy, you can invite them to stay in the same room as any unwanted guests while you go to “make tea.” What you will really be doing is standing around a convenient corner, suppressing raucous guffaws while you listen to your guest develop an ulcer and hypertension. Teenagers are also useful against unwanted visitors. Have your teenager answer the door or phone every time you suspect there will be a solicitor on the other side. Teenagers are physiologically incapable of sounding coherent after they’ve been awakened from a nap, and solicitors always wake them up, for some unknown reason. A freshly awakened teen will convince solicitors that the people in your house have mush for brains. The solicitors will actually believe you and your family are too stupid to be capable of using currency or credit cards, and they will promptly leave in search of intelligent life.

Children also make excellent excuse fodder. When you grow up, it’s considered weird and nerdy to want to buy action figures. However, if you have a child with you when you go to the store, the clerk will assume that you are buying the toy for the screaming child standing next to you. This prevents him or her from giving you that “what the heck’s wrong with you?” look that everybody hates. Children are also an advantage when it comes to movies. If you go to a Disney movie alone and you are over the age of ten, people will assume you’re psychotic and a pedophile. If you have a child with you, it will be assumed that you’re psychotic and a parent. This is less likely to get you arrested. One other great advantage of having a child is the fact that you can claim that yours is sick whenever someone wants you to work or go to a boring social engagement. Just don’t do this too often, or people will think you neglect your child, and they’ll take the child away from you. This will render you excuse-less.

Having a child taken from you can really pull things into perspective, and make you see that the upsides and downsides of parenting are many. However, any idiot can see that the downsides outweigh the upsides. Unfortunately, many people are not idiots, and they have children. People who were too thick to realize that having children is a bad idea raise these children. It’s a vicious cycle, really.