.FINAL
FANTASY 7: THE LAST FANFIC (OKAY, SO I LIED…AGAIN.)
I’M COMING OVER ALL DRAGONBALLZ!!!
DEEP VOICED NARRATOR: IN THE LAST EPISODE OF “THE LAST FANFIC!!!”, USMAN CAME OUT OF THE TOILET TO FIND THAT GAVIN HAD BEEN KILLED AND DISMEMBERED BY CID’S “KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND” SUMMON ATTACK! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO GAVIN!? IS THIS THE END OF HIS EVIL PLOTS!!? HOW CAN ANYONE EAT FIFTEEN CURRIES AND NOT BE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY ILL THE NEXT DAY !!!?
OUTSIDE CLOUD’S VILLA; USMAN IS DANCING IN CIRCLES ON TOP OF A PILE OF MISCELLANEOUS ORGANS…
USMAN: Hooray! He finally got himself killed!! Now I can stop doing these ridiculous evil plots and spend all day tending my beard!! Yippee!!!……Hey, but waitaminute! If Gavin’s dead, who will I “borrow” top quality imported rpgs from!? And who will I laugh at for being ridiculously unlucky!!!? OH NO! I must bring Gavin back to life! And there’s only one place where something so completely ridiculous is possible!
USMAN WALKS INTO THE DIMENSIONAL RIFT THAT GAVIN OPENED IN THE LAST EPISODE…HE IS SUCKED IN, IN A BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT! LOTS OF OTHER REALLY COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS HAPPEN AS HE IS CATAPULTED THROUGH DIMENSIONS, BUT WE HAVEN’T GOT THE BUDGET TO SHOW THEM. USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS, YOU LAZY SODS!!! EVENTUALLY HE IS THROWN OUT ONTO A BARREN LOOKING LANDSCAPE…
USMAN:
Hey, looks like I’m
here…
USMAN TURNS AROUND AND SEES A MAN STARING AT HIM. HE IS GREEN WITH POINTY EARS, AND HE DOESN’T LOOK TOO HAPPY…
USMAN:
WOW!!!! I don’t
believe it, it’s pic-
MYSTERIOUS
GREEN DUDE: Shaddup,
for Gods sake!! That is not my name!! My name is…er…Clarinet!!…yes…that
will do…
USMAN:
But isn’t this the
universe of drago-
CLARINET:
I said shut up!!! It
was going to be, but Akira Toriyama wouldn’t grant us the copyright! So
we’ve had to alter a few bits…
SUDDENLY, MUSIC STARTS PLAYING FROM NOWHERE!…
Lizard,
lizard cube…
Lizard cube Y!!!
Lizard,
lizard cube…
Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lizard,
lizard cube…
Lizard cube Y!!!
Lizard,
lizard cube…
Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lizard,
lizard cube…
LIZARD CUBE Y!!!!
USMAN:
Err… I’m scared.
CLARINET:
That’s right! You
have stumbled into the world of lizard
cube Y!!!
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: OH
NO!!! USMAN HAS ACCIDENTELY ENDED UP IN A THIRD RATE PIRATE COPY OF A POPULAR TV
SERI-
USMAN:
Hey, who said that!!?
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: HEY,
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK WHILE I’M EXPLAINING THE STORY SO FAR!!!
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO FREEZE FRAME!!!
USMAN:
Whatever. I’m of to
find the drag-er, I mean the “lizard cubes”. Later.
USMAN WALKS OFF…
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: HEY,
YOU CAN’T GO, I HAVEN’T FINISHED MY SPEEEEECH! SNIFF…SELFISH GIT…I SPENT
AGES ON THIS!
CLARINET:
Huh, you’ve got it
easy, mate. At least you’re not named after some obscure musical instrument.
2
MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER DIMENSION…
GAVIN:
What the… I thought
I was dead!… HEEEEY, this is the afterlife of dragonball z, or an incredibly
similar copy of it!
GAVIN SPOTS A LARGE HOUSE NEARBY, AND WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR; INSIDE, A HUGE GUY IN A HORNED HAT IS SITTING BEHIND A DESK.
BIG
GUY: Cower, mortal! I
am lord Enema, lord and judge of the dead in the world of Lizard
Cube Y!!!!
GAVIN:
Er, don’t you mean
dr-
BIG
GUY: SILENCE! It is
time for you to receive judgement! (picks up a “who’s who" and starts
peering at it…) er…what did you say your name was?
GAVIN:
Hmmmm… time for a
cunning plan…good thing I stole this bottle of ridiculously strong hairgel
from Cloud…
GAVIN QUICKLY APPLIES THE GEL…SUDDENLY, HE HAS RIDICULOUS HAIR!
GAVIN:
Err… My name’s
Goku!
LORD
ENEMA: What!!! You
expect me to believe that you are the Earths greatest warrior!!? Prove it!
GAVIN:
Look! My hair is both
ridiculous and resistant to gravity!!! Oooooh, I’m hungry!!! , etc.
LORD
ENEMA: Uh…yeah…guess
you must be Goku…
GAVIN:
Of course I am! So
I’ll just be off to heaven then…
LORD
ENEMA: Oh, you can’t
do that! You choose of your own free will to journey along the perilous snake
road, in order to save the Earth!
GAVIN:…I
do?
LORD
ENEMA: Yes. Of your own
free will!
GAVIN:
And if I refuse!?
LORD
ENEMA: Oh, well then
you choose of your own free will to be thrown into hell for all eternity!
GAVIN:
Awww, bugger.
3
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: MEANWHILE,
USMAN HAS REACHED THE ISLAND OF MASTER ROASTY! WHAT CHALLENGES AWAIT HIM HERE!!?
BE SURE YOU DON’T MISS THE NEXT EXCITI-
USMAN:
Shut up, you! You’re
slowing me down! Every time you start speaking, everyone else in this stupid
universe goes into a freeze frame!
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: SNIFF…I
HATE YOU!
MASTER ROASTY, GOKO, COWMA AND KILLEM WATCH AS USMAN WALKS OUT OF THE SEA…
USMAN:
Stupid ocean. Uh, hey
guys, I wonder if you could help me, I-
GOKO:
Gasp! No! It’s my
evil saiyan brother!
USMAN:What!?
But I look nothing like-…?
USMAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF, AND REALISES THAT HIS WALK ALONG THE OCEAN FLOOR HAS UNTANGLED HIS BEARD AND MADE IT TWICE AS LONG AS USUAL, AND THAT IT HAS BEEN SWEPT BEHIND HIS HEAD. A PIECE OF SEAWEED HAS ALSO BECOME TANGLED AROUND HIS WAIST, MAKING HIM LOOK EXACTLY LIKE AN EVIL LARGE-HAIRED SAIYAN!
GOKO:
I know it’s you,
Radish! Give me back me son!!!
USMAN:
Son? What son!? (Looks
around and realises that a small crying child has become tangled in his hair).
Oh, right! Look, this has all been a terrible misunderstaURK!!!!!
SUDDENLY, METHANE BUILDUP FROM FIFTEEN CURRIES DECIDES TO VENT ITSELF!
PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!
THE SUPERPOWERED FART PROPELS USMAN AND GOKO’S SON OVER THE HORIZON…
GOKO:
He’s kidnapped my
son! I must find him!
CLARINET:
(appearing from
nowhere) I will help you!…er… for a reason that will become apparent later!!
GOKO:
Okay! Let’s go!
THEY FLY OFF, AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW THEM…
…
THREE HOURS LATER…
RADISH:
Whahahahaaaa! Little
brother, I’m…huh? Where’d everybody go!?
…
GAVIN:
Grrr…pant,
pant…stupid road…huff…still 999,999 kilometres, 900 metres to go!
DEEP
VOICED NARRATOR: WHAT
WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE, HOW WILL WHATISNAME DO SOMETHING OR OTHER, ETC,
ETC, ETC. DON’T MISS THE NEXT EXCITING BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. SOD THIS, I’M GOIN’
FOR A DRINK…
THE
END
And
at master kirins place (you know, the talking cat god thingy!), yet another
dimensional portal opens, and someone else falls out…
Brendan:
Hooray, I’m in the
fanfic…huh?…what’s that up there..? the…end!!!? Aw, crap, I’m too
late! Well, just you wait until the next fanfic Gavin! I SHALL HAVE MY
REVENGE!!!!! HAHA!