Lionel Hutz, Attorney, will now state all legal warnings:

Lionel Hutz: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

FINAL FANTASY VII: THE LAST FANFIC (I MEAN IT THIS TIME!)

AFTER DEFEATING THE MANIACAL FANFIC WRITER GAVIN, THE CAST OF FINAL FANTASY VII HAVE SETTLED DOWN TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF THEIR LIVES IN COMFORT. LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THAT GAVIN WAS ALREADY PLOTTING HIS FIENDISH REVENGE…

IN THE BASEMENT OF CLOUD’S VILLA IN THE COSTA DEL SOL:

Gavin: (Still tied to the chair, which has fallen over) : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…zzzz… mutter…must plot revenge…zzzzz…mu-oh, hi Britney. What-zzzz…you’ll help me plot revenge?…zzz…great… zzzzzzz…snore… Britney, put your top back on, I can’t concentrate….zzzzzzzz…mutter)

O-KAY… OF COURSE WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS…LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THAT GAVIN WAS SNORING HIS HEAD OFF, FAST ASLEEP. HOWEVER, HE’LL PROBABLY WAKE UP ANY SECOND NOW AND START PLOTTING HIS FIENDISH REVENGE…

Gavin:snort..bleh?…huh?…oooooh, my head!!

AH YES, THERE WE ARE.

Gavin: grrr …ungrateful fools!!! Is this any way to treat such a great writer!!? And after all I’ve done for them! I spend all my time thinking up dozens of dangerous, life threatening situations to put them in and this is how they repay me!!!?

(rocks the chair over to a pen and paper lying on the ground, and manages to grip the pen between his teeth)

Gavin: Vell, nw I fill show fhem..MWFHFHFHFHFHF!!!!

A dimensional rift opens in the ceiling. Uzi falls out and hits the floor at 50MPH with his beard on fire.

Uzi: Aarghaarghaarghnooo, my beautiful facial hair. Why. Whyyyyyyyy!!!?

Gavin: (spitting out pen).Who cares about your beard, get over here and untie me!

Uzi: (untying him) Gavin? What are you doing he-whoooahh!! I know this place! We’re in the basement of Cloud’s villa!!!

Gavin: Yes, I know! I was writing a fanfic and put myself in it, but the characters went mad and turned against me!! But now I am free I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!

Uzi: (picking up pen and paper) So anything we write down will happen in this fanfic?

Gavin: Yes, Yes, now let’s go find Cloud and the others, for I SHALL HA-hey, what are you doing!!?

AFTER TRYING SEVERAL TIMES, UZI FIGURES OUT WHICH END OF THE PEN THE INK COMES OUT OF.

My beard is ten feet long and the entire cast of “when nude supermodel mud wrestling goes wrong” are sitting around combing it with ultra-expensive plastic spatulas!

Gavin: What are you doing!!? I brought you here to help me defeat Cloud and the others!!!

Uzi: Ahh, why bother? The sun is shining, it’s a beautiful day and naked women are combing my beard! It doesn’t get any better than this.

Gavin: Well, fine then. I just thought you’d be interested to know that Barret has replaced his gun arm with a plastic spatula…

Uzi: WHAT!!!! I am the undisputed king of the plastic spatula, and no half-baked Mr.T clone is gonna change that!!! Let’s go get them!!!!!

Gavin: (rubbing his hands together, Mr.Burns style) Eeeeexcellent…

Previously unnoticed man sleeping at a table in the corner of the basement: zzzz…oh, who are you two? Don’t mind me, I’m the manager.

Uzi: The manager of what? And why are you sleeping in the basement of someone else’s house??

Previously unnoticed man sleeping at a table in the corner of the basement:…quiet, you.

MEANWHILE, IN JUNON’S TV STATION, THE LATEST EPISODE OF “READY, STEADY, COOK!” IS BEING FILMED…

Ainsley Whatsisname: Well hellooooooooo, I’m Ainsley whatsisname, the most annoyingly cheerful tv chef ever, hohohohoho!!!! And I’m here to entertain you, the studio audience, for the next THREE HOURS, oh you lucky people, hahaha!!!!

Member of the audience: My god, I can’t take it anymore!!! He’s just too DAMN CHEERFUL!!!!! I’ve got to get out of here!!! I-

BLAM! BLAM!

Ainsley Whatsisname: Aha, ha, ha. And I would like to remind you at this point that we are being sponsored by Shin-ra inc., so no leaving your seats please, or one of the soldiers posted at the exits will have to shoot you, I’m afraid. Also, people who don’t laugh sufficiently at my WACKY jokes will be brutally beaten during the ad break, hohoho!!!

Now, without further ado, let’s introduce today’s celebrity chef, BARRET WALLACE!!!

AS THE “APPLAUSE OR DIE” SIGN LIGHTS UP IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE, BARRET WALKS ON STAGE, THEN VANISHES IN A PUFF OF SMOKE!!

Ainsley whatsisname, the studio audience, twenty-three shin-ra troops, the dying audience member lying on the floor, and the percussion section of the Moscow symphony orchestra: what the-

IN ANOTHER PART OF THE BUILDING:

Jeremy Paxo: Hello, and welcome to “time to question some lying politician bastard in an annoyed fashion.” With me today is Nibelheims minister of transport, So Mr. Minister, there has been a lot of speculation about the finance side of the G.N.R.S transport system, with some claiming that the net inflation of costs is somewhere on the far side of the I.H.N.I.W.T.S.F defined standard curve… how would you respond to these accusations?

Nibelheims minister of transport: Well I say nail it to the flagpole and damn them all!!!! (throws his gun in the air and catches it again) I’ve got a lovely new vest.

Suddenly, the minister vanishes in a puff of smoke!!!!

Jeremy paxo: Dammit! The most coherent politician I’ve ever interviewed, and he vanishes, just like that!!!

AND IN ANOTHER DIMENSION…

Disembodied voice of Aeris: Hmmmm…I’ll see your 200 gil and raise you 500.

Disembodied voice of Gandhi: Naah, I’m out.

Disembodied voice of Louis XVII: I’ll see your 500

Disembodied voice of Elvis: yeah… metoo… uhuhuh!

Disembodied voice of everyone but Elvis: WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT!!!!

Disembodied voice of Elvis: Sorry.

Suddenly, (care to have a guess at what happens next? Anyone? ) Aeris vanishes in a puff of smoke!!!!

Observant reader: Hold on a minute. If Aeris is disembodied, then you can’t see her anyway, so how can she disappear? It makes no senAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!

Writer: (wiping the blood off his full size replica buster sword) Right. Anyone else got any smart comments? No? Good. Now, where were we…?

All the characters reappear in a large field, miles from anywhere. Gavin and Usman appear nearby.

Cloud: Hey, what’s going on? Why are we all here in this field?

Vincent: My cat tells me to burn things. Wurble.

Gavin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Yuffie: Oh, god, it’s him again.

Red: I told you we should have killed him earlier.

Gavin: HAHA!!! You may have defeated me once before but you lot are no match for two fanfic writers!!! C’mon Usman! Let’s-…Usman?

USMAN IS TOO BUSY STARING AT TIFA AND DROOLING TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

Gavin: Sigh… I’ll have to mention the whole “Bob” issue to him later.

Gavin: Ah, well. I’ll take care of you myself! (starts to write)

Suddenly, four giant monsters appear in front of the group!!!

Marlboro: So I’m sittiin’ there, right, mindin’ my own business, right, when he walks right by and stands on my tentacle!

Bomb: (smoking a cigarette) Your tentacle?

Marlboro: Yeah, right on it, bold as you like.

Gavin: Er, excuse me…

Behemoth: That’s shocking, that is.

Midgar Zolom: Yeah, ssssshocking. Ssssso what did you do?

Marlboro: Well, I’m getting’ to that bit, inny, but you lot keep interrupting. So anyway, I sez to him. I sez, “Hey you!”, and he-

Gavin: -If I could have your attention forr just a mome-

Marlboro: An’ I sez, “oh yeah!!? Well, I don’t care what you’re called, you’re just a weird little dwarf with a knife and a lamp!!” an’ I mean, what kind of monster is that ,eh?? So I et ‘im.

Gavin: OI!!! YOU LOT!!!!!

Marlboro: Huh? Who are you??

Gavin: I am the writer that brought you here!!! (points at Cloud and the others) Now attack those heroes!!!!

THE MONSTERS TURN AROUND AND LOOKS AT CLOUD’S PARTY.

Midgar Zolom: Ssssssod off!!

Gavin:WHAT!!?

Bomb: Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but every time a bunch of monsters attack a bunch of heroes in an rpg, the monsters always get killed. So why would we wanna do that ?

Uzi: They’ve got a point there, Gav. Why only last week you were saying that all final fantasy monsters were really, really stu-

Gavin: shutupshutupshutup!!! Ahahaha.

Behemoth: An’ anyway, what did they ever do to us? Oi, you with the pointy yellow hair! You thinkin’ of attacking us?

Vincent: If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no-one around to hear it, does the price of veal go up next day? I’m a fire hydrant.

Cloud: Me? oh no. We’re not really heroes anymore, just a wandering band of gesturers, internationally renowned pastry chefs and cross dressers. No danger to anyone

Marlboro: So why does this guy want us to attack you??

Cid: Those two idiots write fanfics; you know, those pathetic, badly written stories which are set after the game has ended.

Bomb: They are!!? Did you know that 605 monsters are killed every day by fanfic writers!!!?

Uzi: Oh yeah. We always do that.

Gavin: ulp…

Marlboro: GET’EM, LADS!!!!!

Gavin: err…………………………run.

Gavin/ Uzi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

THEY DISSAPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE, WITH THE MONSTERS STILL CHASING THEM.

Cait: ahhh…they’re finally gone.

Cid: Yes, but they may be back. (walks over to the pen and paper that Gavin dropped, and picks them up). Hmmmmm…I think I know a way to get them out of our way once and for all…

CID TELLS THE OTHERS HIS PLAN.

THEY ALL LAUGH AND AGREE.

EXCEPT FOR VINCENT; HE JUST SAYS “LET THE JAM DECIDE? BUT JAM HAS NO HIGHER COGNITIVE FUNCTIONS!! BLEEP.”

CID STARTS TO WRITE…

The End…?

Lionel Hutz: bluh??… NOBODY TOUCH MY STUFF!!!… Hey, this isn’t the Y.M.C.A…