Lionel Hutz, attorney, here. All copyright thingys are, y’know , in action, and if you do anything bad, that…guy in the black robe who says “order!” a lot…well you know who I’m talking about, he’ll be really annoyed. Like he was this one time, I accidentally threw his wife of a 30 storey buildi- er, well you don’t wanna know how that ends. But remember, by hiring me you now receive one of the fabulous “narcotics-abusing animal range”! Choose between smack addict rabbit, alcoholic moose and of course the classic smoking monkey!!!

FINAL FANTASY VII: THE LAST FANFIC (WOULD I LIE TO YOU!!?)

PART III.

Prologue:

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled, pushing the rain that dropped in torrents until it was almost horizontal. Lightning cracked around the horizon. The cliff loomed over the rest of the landscape, a 500-foot tower of craggy rock. It looked impassable, but as another bolt of lightning lit the cliff-face, it was revealed that someone… or something… was climbing it. It moved slowly and carefully, testing each handhold before trusting it with its weight. Slowly but surely, it was moving upwards…

…A shaking hand rose and gripped the rain-spattered, muddy ground at the top of the cliff. Slowly it tensed and pulled, and a face came into view…

Gavin: Bloody hell!!! (lies flat out on the ground, exhausted) made it… finally… made it… four day climb… nearly died… many times… had to … eat my own shoes to survive…but… made it….

Usman: (walking over) Hey Gav!! Wassup?

Gavin: What the…but…the cliff...how…did you…climb it??

Usman: Cliff? What Cliff? (looks over at the 500-foot precipe three feet away) Oh, that cliff. I used that!

GAVIN LOOKS IN THE DIRECTION USMAN IS POINTING; THERE’S A LARGE ELEVATOR NEARBY WITH THE DOORS OPEN. WRITTEN OVER THE DOORWAY IS “BIG SCARY LIFE-THREATENING CLIFF ELEVATOR SERVICE. HAVE A NICE DAY! ”

Gavin: DOH!!!

A FEW HOURS LATER.

Gavin: Right. After many incredibly exciting and funny adventures, we’ve finally got ourselves out of that place that Cid wrote us into… Now let us never speak of it again. As if it never happened.

Usman: Agreed

Observant reader MKII:….

AHEM!

Observant reader MKII: No, I don’t care, I’m not saying anything. I saw what happened to the first observant reader, so I’m certainly not going to complain about the fact that Gavin shouldn’t know that it was Cid who put him into that nameless stuatiAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Writer: They always slip up somewhere. Right, let’s get on with it…

Gavin: HAH!!! They thought they could get rid of me that easily, eh!!!? Well, now I am back, and I have devised my most cunning plan yet to DESTROY the FFVII characters once and for all!!!!! MHUUWAHAHAHAHAH!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHMHUUWHA HAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! MHUUUWA-

Usman: Er… Gavin.

Gavin: I’m trying to laugh malevolently here!!! Stop interrupting!!!

Usman: Okay, Okay, but look; chapter one is nearly over and you haven’t explained the evil plan yet!!!

Gavin: Ah, of course!!! It’s a plan that’s incredibly cunning and boundlessly innovative in its ingenuity!!! We’ll go to the nearest quicki-mart, buy some out of date yogurts, and HURL them at Cloud and the others until they all catch horrible sour-milk derived illnesses!!!!!!

Usman: Or we could just bring Sephiroth, their greatest and most dangerous foe, back to life for an apocalyptic battle to end all battles.

Gavin:………… Er, yes of course. That’s what I was going to say after the out of date yogurt bit…it’s obvious really!!! But enough talk of my brilliant plans!!! It’s time for some evil laughter!!!

Usman: Hey look, here’s the end of the chapter!

Gavin: awwww…..

THE COSTA DEL SOL: CLOUD’S VILLA:

Cid and RedXIII are watchin’ the game, havin’ a Bud… Suddenly, the phone rings!

Cid: Hello?

Cait Sith: WASS-----

Operator: the following conversation has been censored, as it contains the inevitable “wassup” bit that’s been used in so many fanfics, comedy rip-offs and films that it’s now about as original and funny as the “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke. If you use it again, your phone will be cut off and we’ll napalm you. Have a nice day….

Cait: Damn! Budweiser were paying me for this!!

Cid: So why’d you call?

Cait: Oh yeah! I just decided that I’m fed up with remote-controlling a giant stuffed toy! From now on i’m going to appear as Reeve, who I really am!

Cid: Good for you! Hey, just one question, though…

Reeve: Yeah?

CID LOOKS OVER AT THE OTHER END OF THE SOFA.

Cid: Why did you call to tell me this? I’m sitting right next to you!

Reeve: Oh yeah…

SUDDENLY, BARRET BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR!!!

Barret: Terrible news, guys!!!! I was delivering some croissants to the bakery and guess who I saw in the quicki-mart across the road!!!?

Cid: Michael Jackson!

Disembodied voice of Aeris: Montgomery Burns?

Reeve: The vice-president of Lithuania!!?

Tifa/Bob: Rufus Shinra!!!?

Yuffie: The brother of the cousin twice removed of that guy in the basement!!!!?

Barret: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!!? It was a rhetorical question! GAVIN and USMAN were there!!!

All: Gasp!!!

SUDDENLY, CLOUD BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR!!!

Cloud: Guys, terrible news!!! I was in the quiki-mart, buying the latest issue of “ridiculous hair monthly”, and guess who I saw!!?

All: Gavin and Usman?

Cloud: Hey, how’d you know!!?

Cid: Barret told us.

Cloud: Hey, that’s not fair! It’s MY job to dramatically reveal any danger to the group!!!

Barret: Well never mind that. We’ve got to decide to do about those two idiots.

Cloud: -stupid Barret stealing my lines I should do dramatic bits-

Reeve: Ah, why bother? We beat them twice before; I’m sure they’re in no condition to take us on again, and even if they do they’ll probably come up with some ridiculous plan like hurling out of date dairy produce at us!!!

Cloud: -not fair I should have told them I know how to gesture dramatically-

All: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

Cid: Well even so, we’d better go and make sure they’re not causing any trouble

Cloud: -nobody so much as acts surprised I spent ages on that gesture-

Tifa/Bob: Well we’d better get going. Cloud, go and get Vincent, would you??

Cloud: -nobody listens and NOW I have to fetch people, its not fair-

Tifa/Bob: Oh, shut up! (S/he walks out to the back garden, where Vincent is standing with his arms outstretched, a number of strange mystical garments hanging from him).

Impressionable reader: Wow! He’s probably using some secret meditation technique to focus and control his inner energies!!!

Writer: Quiet, you.

Tifa/Bob: Hey Vince!! We’re all going to the shops to stop some maniacal evil geniuses!!! You can stop being a clothesline now!!!

Vincent: Curiosity killed the cat. It was sentenced to life for that. (stands on one leg and adopts a “Ginyu force” pose) blip…blip…blip…ping!

Tifa/Bob: Whatever.

THEY ALL ARRIVE AT THE SHOPS….

Gavin: Hah! I knew you lot would turn up! Now I will destroy you all!!! Usman! Are the preparations complete!!?

Usman: Well, yeah, but I don’t see how a circle of sour dairy products is going to summon …

Gavin: Watch and learn, o doubting one!!! (walks over to the circle and picks up an item) By the power of this…….. six-month old strawberry Muller light, I summon forth SEPHIROTH!!!!!

THE CIRCLE FILLS WITH SMOKE, AND OUT OF THE SMOKE WALKS…

Everyone but Vincent: Sephiroth!!!!!!!

Vincent: Purple elves steal my cornflakes. I’m a telescopic ladder with reinforced brace fittings and galvanized steel ends, only $49.99 from all good fishmongers, call now, supplies are infinite!

Gavin: Mwuuuuhahahahahahah!!! I did it! They said I was MAD!! ME!!! But I shall show them! I SHALL SHOW THEM ALL!!!!! MWUHHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA!!!

Ahem… Well go on Sephiroth, kill them all!!!

SEPHIROTH SNEERS EVILLY AND UNSHEATHES MASAMUNE…

Cloud: Oh No! They actually came up with a decent plan!!! We’re no match for Sephiroth in our current condition!!

Barret: We’re doomed! DOOMED!!!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

BUT JUST AS SEPHIROTH IS ABOUT TO STRIKE…ANOTHER FIGURE EMERGES FROM THE SMOKE!!!

Jenova: SEPHIROTH!!! What are you doing here!!?

Sephiroth: Mother! I was about to kill all these good guys and bring a new age of terror and destruction to the planet!

Jenova: (smacks Sephiroth across the ear with a tentacle) Bad boy! What have I told you about doing that!!?

Sephiroth: Aaaaoooooww, muuuum! You’re embarrassing meee!!!

Jenova: WHAT DID I TELL YOU!!!?

Sephiroth: (sighs) I know, I know, “no evil rampages of destruction until I’ve cleaned my room”

Jenova: And have you cleaned your room yet!!!?

Sephiroth: mumblemumblenomumble…

Jenova: What was that??

Sephiroth: I SAID NO, ALRIGHT!!? GOD, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS QUESTIONING ME!!!!!?

Jenova: Right, that does it!(points a tentacle at the cloud of smoke) Back into the dimension of horribly evil things !! You’re grounded for two weeks!!!!

Sephiroth: Awwww, can’t I just destroy them a bit….?

Jenova: No! I left dinner in the oven, and it’ll be ruined if I leave it. We’re going back NOW !!!

Sephiroth: GOD, THAT IS SO UNFAIR!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HA-URK!

JENOVA GRABS SEPHIROTH AROUND THE EAR WITH A TENTACLE AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE SMOKE; THEY VANISH…

Gavin:…

Usman:…

Cloud:…

Barret:…

Disembodied voice of Aeris:…

Yuffie:…

Red:…

Vincent:burp.

Tifa/Bob:…

Cid:…

Reeve: Well, I don’t think any of us expected that.

Cid: Quick, while those two idiots are still in shock! We can drive them off!

Yuffie: But how?

Cid: Like THIS! (he picks up an out of date yogurt and hurls it at Gavin; the others start doing the same)

Gavin: HAH! It’ll take- ow, my eye- more than that- urrgh, disgusting- to stop-eeewwww, run.

GAVIN AND USMAN RUN AWAY AS FAST AS THEY CAN WHILE BEING PELTED WITH YOGURT…

Gavin: I always said that stupid Sephiroth plan of yours wouldn’t work!!!

Usman: But you said it was your pla-

Gavin: Shut up and run!!!!!

The End.