FINAL FANTASY 7: THE LAST FANFIC (I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST ONE, OR MY NAME ISN’T GIVAN!!)
1
Gavin: Oh, that’ll have to wait ‘till later. There’s a twelve hour showing of “riverdance” on BBC2.
Disembodied
voice-over: Oh didn’t you hear? The show was cancelled because Cloud
Strife killed Michael Flatly.
Usman: Hooray!
Rest of the planet: Hooray!
That weird guy who’s always in the basement of the Costa del sol villa: zzzz…wuh… what’s that? He’s dead? Hooray!…zzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Usman: Will I have to do anything?
Gavin: No.
Usman: Count me in!!! So what’s the plan!!?
Gavin: Well, summoning Sephiroth didn’t work, but I have found a force that hates the cast of FF7 even more than him!! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!etc…
2
THE COSTA DEL SOL:
CLOUDS VILLA:
Cloud walks through the
door, wiping blood off his Buster sword; the other heros are watching TV, apart
from Vincent, who is apparently having a heated argument with a potted plant…
Cloud: Bloody Michael Flatly! He’s stolen my hairgel for the last time!!
TV: And now on
BBC2, due to the tragic death of its star, “riverdance“ has been cancelled.
We now present an alternative show, “When celebrity chefs are locked in rooms
with rabid weasels.”
Everyone: HOORAY!!!
Vincent: whdghgfygd…sedh… and that’s number one in the pepsi chart, by “We’re just a manufactured boyband singing the same old crap we always do!” Great song, great song, I’m doctor badger and you’re listening to-
Reeve: Oh, for goodness sake, Vincent is picking up FM radio again!
OUTSIDE, THERE IS A SUDDEN ROLL OF THUNDER AND FLASH OF LIGHTNING.
Barret: Yeah, it always happens in these storms. Well, I’m going to put a stop to it!!
BARRET GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND LEAVES THE HOUSE. HE WALKS DOWN THE STREET TO THE SIDE OF THE VILLA; LEANING AGAINST THE SIDE WALL IS A PILE OF CARDBOARD TOPPED WITH SOME SHEET METAL. BARRET POKES HIS HEAD IN THE DOORWAY.
Gavin
& Usman: AAAAH!!!
Usman: Grrr… that spatula was my birthright, you shameless imitator!
Barret: WHAT’D YOU SAY!!!!!!?
Usman: Eep! Er, I said, that spatula sure looks alright!!
Barret: Oh…well thanks… I chose it myself, you know, from spatulas monthly, and… Waitaminute, THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, Just quit saying that thing you say!!!!!
BARRET STAMPS BACK TO THE VILLA, GOES IN AND SHUTS THE DOOR.
3
INSIDE THE VILLA:
TV: “Apples
and pears, pukka, cor guvnor…what the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH, MY FACE!!! GET
THIS $%^%$#ING THING OFF MEEEE!! AAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!!!!!!!!”
Tifabob: YES! Take that Jamie Oliver, you supermarket promoting cockney imitator!!!!!
Cid: Man, I love this show!
TV: After the
break, Ainsley Harriot is smeared with honey and thrown at a hornets nest!
All: Yaaaay!!!
Vincent: Where have all the trousers gone? Not that way, Cartwright, you’ll get us killed! Blip-woo? No thanks, I just ate.
SUDDENLY, THERE IS A LOUD NOISE THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE A RIP OPENING IN THE FABRIC OF SPACETIME, AND A HORRIBLE ENTITY TRANCENDING DIMENSIONS!
Yuffie: Hey, that sounded like a rip opening in the fabric of spacetime, and a horrible entity transcending dimensions!
Cloud: …Buh?
Cid: She means there’s something outside that we should probably beat up.
Cloud: HAH! Well what are we waiting for!!! (gestures dramatically) let’s go.
Reeve: Nah, let’s stay here.
Cloud: Reeve, how can you say that!!? A terrible evil force is about to destroy the planet, and you don’t want to risk your life trying to defeat it!!!?
Reeve: Well normally I wouldn’t mind, but the second half of “When celebrity chefs are locked in rooms with rabid weasels.” Will be on in a few minutes!!!
Cloud: Oh, yeah… good point. Well, we’ll just have to be quick! Follow me!!!
CLOUD RUNS OUTSIDE, THE OTHERS FOLLOW.
OUTSIDE, A PORTAL HAS BEEN OPENED AND A GROUP OF PEOPLE HAVE FALLEN OUT.
Gavin:
MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Now, you foolish… fools, prepare to face your
ultimate foe!!!
THE FIGURES ON THE GROUND PICK THEMSELVES UP…
Squall
Leonheart: Ooooooh, my head. This
trans-dimensional warping really gives me a headache!
Selphie:
And it wouldn’t have anything to do with the seven litres of cider you drank
last night?
Squall:
Quiet, you. Hey, where the hell are we anyway!!?
Rinoa:
OHMYGOD!! LOOK!! It’s the entire cast of final fantasy seven!!!!
THE CAST OF FF8 DRAW THEIR WEAPONS AND LOOK ANGRY…
Zell:
You low polygon bastards!! We would have been in the best rpg ever if it
hadn’t been for you gits, with your superior plot and magic system. Waltzing
around, saying you’re the best rpg characters ever!!! Well, no more! Prepare
to DIE!!!
Squall:
YEAH!!! Nobody ever writes fanfics about us, and its all your fault!
Gavin:
MWAHAHAAA, it’s working perfectly! FF8 was perceived as an inferior game
because it followed the unbeatable FF7!!! Now I have given the characters a
chance for REVENGE!!!!!!
Cloud:
Okay, guys, we always knew this could happen! Lets use plan alpha!!!
FF7
team: Yeah!!
Gavin:
WHAT!?
TIFABOB WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS THE FF8 TEAM…
Squall:
drooool…
Zell:
Drooooooooooool…
Irvine:
Droooooooooooooooooool…
S/HE WALKS AROUND A CORNER AND SQUALL, ZELL AND IRVINE FOLLOW…
Gavin:
No, you fools!! It’s a trap!
THERE IS THE SOUND OF SOMEBODY PULLING THEIR TOP OFF, AND THEN OF SOMETHING BOUNCING ON THE GROUND…
Squall:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!
Zell: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!
Irvine:
Hey, that’s kinda attractiCRACK! URK!!!!
TIFABOB REAPPEARS, DOING UP HER TOP…
Tifa: Well, that took care of them. The guy with the gunsword and that guy with a chicken on his head had fatal heart attacks, but that gimpy cowboy actually liked it, so I had to break his neck.
Rinoa:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Quistis:
Oh, don’t be such a drama queen. We’ll show them the power of FF8!!! I
SUMMON IFRIT!!!
THE SUMMON APPEARS; A NUMBER APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. QUISTIS PULLS OUT A PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER AND STARTS HAMMERING THE SQUARE BUTTON…
Cid:
Er… What the hell are you doing!!?
Quistis:
What does it look like, I’m raising my summons power!!!…OW, I broke a
nail…oh, crap, you’ve made me hit it at the wrong time, my powers gone down
again!
THE NUMBER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN GOES DOWN TO 75; IFRIT APPEARS AND THROWS A BALL OF FLAME THAT’S JUST HOT ENOUGH TO GIVE THE CAST OF FF7 A NICE TAN…
Cloud:……er,
yeah, well done.
Selphie:
DAMMIT, I told you to use Shiva, you stupid cow!
Quistis:
How dare you talk to me like that! I
am your instructor!!
Selphie:
Oh, shut up!!
Quistis:
YOU shut up!!
Rinoa:
Hey, girls, don’t fight! I’m sure if we unite our power we can defeat them.
What d’you say! Huh?
SELPHIE AND QUISTIS LOOK AT RINOA, THEN AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY JUMP ON RINOA AND START BEATING HER…
Quistis:
Easy for you to say, you #$%$$%ing #$%^^$$%er!!!! I would’ve made a much
better main female character!!!!
Selphie:
Yeah, you stupid $%^$!!! Take this! And that!!!!
Rinoa:
AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEERSCREAMAAAAAA CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid:
I’m not missing part two of “When celebrity chefs are locked in rooms with
rabid weasels.” for these fools! KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND!!!
THIRTEEN KNIGHTS APPEAR AND HACK THE CAST OF FF8 THE PIECES; GAVIN IS ALSO CAUGHT IN THE BLAST AND IS KILLED AND DISMEMBERED…
THE CAST OF FF7 GO BACK INSIDE, LEAVING A BLOODY MESS ON THE PAVEMENT…
…
…
…
ACROSS THE STREET, A PORTALOO DOOR OPENS…
Usman:
Man, I shouldn’t have had that fifteenth curry last night! Hey gav, I’m
back, what’d I …….miss…………….?……….oh, bugger.
The
end.