ACCRINGTON IS NOT A FUNNY TOWN!

By MAJOR D.T.ARBUTHNOT

This chap, this Alexander Fritz is it? who regales the public with all

these fanciful tales of Accringtonian life, thinks it’s all jolly interesting

with queer types everywhere, stupid dancing animals, intellectualism

and so forth……….well it isn’t! At least, I’ve not seen any of it and I’ve

lived in this town for all of my 68 years. I served with the Accrington

Volunteers in peacetime sorties to Burma & the Sudan and I’ve been a

Magistrate for 20 years; I’ve seen a lot of life and most of it in Accrington.

I think this chap, this Alexander Fritz is it? is an odd soul. He’s not normal

– and all of my acquaintances think the same so it’s not just me, an old

ginger bearded weirdo! Certainly not. And these UFO’s that everyone talks

about. I’ll tell you what that is all about – DRUNKENESS. People come

to Accrington either inebriated or drugged up. So is it surprising that they

see all kinds of things up there in the firmament? No! I have a friend who

lives up on a hill overlooking town. He’s an astronomer, has a big one

– telescope that is, and he watches these people with it, disgusted at what

they get up to – fornication, drug abuse, drunkenness; stripping off in their

windows sometimes! He also looks at the stars with it and he hasn’t seen

anything strange & he’s been to Zagreb - seen it all – not seen a sausage!

Personally, I think this chap on the Internet, Alexander Fritz? Flitz? Ffitz?

whatever, she should be strung up – strung up by the earlobes & left to rot!

And I’m not a cruel man; I’m a magistrate after all.

Taken from the Accrington Observer 20^th Jan 2000.

Interview by Jane Holliken.

Alistair Ffitz replies –

“Seek and ye shall find.” Bible