READ THE ALISTAIR FFITZ DIARIES

READ THE ALISTAIR FFITZ DIARIES!

The bandit poet - Donald Ross; A Bulgarian with Hugh Grant; Dog matter; Port & Poetry; MARKET BARGAINS & DEEP SEA FISH; AN INTELLECTUAL ON MARS; NO NUDES IS GOOD NEWS; CON THE MONSIEUR NIGHT. Not hot?; Tara Bright fails to seduce me.

DIARY 9/7/00 -- 16/11/01

I explore the strange phenomenon of Silvertown, East London; I meet Gilbert & George in Nobby's Cafe; Piglet tossing; Bizarre evening at the AI's - Alien crazy; Abul Khamir; Wordsworth on the Moors; Leggy Thommies & The Lord Byron; Ricky MacDuff and his medical skills; Trawling bookshops; Things I hate.

DIARY 26/4/00 -- 20/6/00

A wet saunter to the Library . Accrington is completely Balmy. The Bluey Cavern. The AI's debate the intellect of the year. My ear is deformed. In Scotland with my kilt. I'm harassed by weirdo's. Competition for a City Centre Sculpture. Of Duff Frick, Arnie Wemholle & the Pog Beetle.

DIARY 29/3/ -- 21/4/2000

'Fluidity of Form' at the AI's. Good shoes mutilated. Conspiracy of pedestrians who block one's progress in the legitimate pursuance of one's lawful business. Major Arbuthnot complains. Quentin Crisp. Seymour Wattle. Of Mules. Duncan & Ziggy's 'Alphonse Is Out'.

DIARY 7/3 -- 25/3/2000 Reg Wuvvel's budgie sings hits from the 70's. Croquet at Rachel's pad. I'm mistaken for Superman? The Planet Cafe. Duncan has a funny turn in Asda and I visit him in an Institution.

DIARY 21/2/2000 -- 1/3/2000

Bookfair at the Town Hall. Fart Clocks. My astrophic cat. Emma's posh friend Rachel. I buy a silk shirt.

DIARY 7/2/2000 -- 17/2/2000

Professor Chommy discusses the Archaeological dig. My hairdresser, Tanya Oxeles. Visiting rights for Crispin. Meet up with Emma at Cafe Splendid.

DIARY 20/1/2000 -- 31/1/2000

An audience with Lord Clitheroe at Read Hall. Dinner with Paul Vetulupp of the Accrington Literary Club. Archaeological dig near Accrington. Blitz Gallery. Tricked into liking Cezanne.

DIARY 15/12/1999 -- 10/1/2000

102 year old woman. Dinner with my old Oxford tutor Ramases Fitzgerald. 'Christmas Special' at the Prince Albert. Val Smith lectures the AI's. Emma leaves me and takes Crispin. The significance of BRIAN.

DIARY 1/11/1999 -- 9/12/1999

Didi Boyet's POODLES IN PANTS. Emma spends the night. Old Charlie the Punk. Hunt for Intellectuals in Bolton. Budgies loose in the Market. Crispin & SMART CAT UK. I'm abused by a feminist bruiser. Emma mutilates my home.

DIARY 17/10/99 -- 31/10/99

UFO activity high. Accrington's feeble response to the Millennium. AI's move to St. Andrew's, Vogle Square. Ruth in a Haystack.

DIARY 1/10/99 -- 15/10/99

Iain Sinclair at the Accrington Literary Club reads extract from 'The Blind Ocean'. Budgens. Meeting of the AI's. Emma and her bar codes. Show Marshal (an Oxford chum) around Accrington. The 'Broadacres Dining Experience'. A visit to Tony who does porno art.

DIARY 5/9/99 -- 26/9/99

Introducing my cat Crispin and its dietary habits. Ziggy Millburn's 1st Symphony. A visit to London. Introducing the Accrington Intellectuals underneath Shuttleworth's the Butcher (a rowdy meeting) Introducing Didi Boyet (film director). Strange goings-on at the Moon & Monkey pub in Burnley. A bad case of Liggylip.

DIARY 28/8/99 -- 4/9/99..........THE START OF THE FFITZ DIARIES

Introducing my friends Ziggy Millburn (the composer); Emma, a friend who happens to be female; Duncan, a bad poet. A raid on the Queen's Arms pub. It's HOT in Accrington. UFO activity.