"FOOD
OF THE GODS!" says Alistair Ffitz.
WHO IS ALISTAIR FFITZ?
Alistair Ffitz was educated
at Magdalen College, Oxford, where he studied Philosophy & Anthropology
under Professor Ramases Fitzgerald and at several particularly vicious Public
Schools where he was regularly thrashed for minor misdemeanours, such as promiscuous
rebelliousness. One master after catching him reading an Anthony burgess novel
was all for expelling him.
It was at Oxford that he founded the ‘Old
Clumpy’ Club, which dedicated itself to playing mindless practical jokes on
members of the public. He was twice arrested for these pursuits, once for
causing a man unnecessary distress by pretending to be Doris Day and heckling
him, and once again for inserting lewd photos of a fat woman into otherwise
bland library books (as inspired by Joe Orton).
Descended originally from the Scottish Fitz-MacDuff’s
clan (Hamish MacDuff isolated the gallbladder in 1835) and spending his formative
years in Auchelteybantrie in Fife, he grew up with a longing for the great
outdoors and would hike around the mountains of Fife sometimes for days on
end, returning with a renewed enthusiasm for life and a vigorous appetite
for his favourite Haggis & Chips from his local takeaway.
His move to Accrington came as the result of
a bet when some friends debated which places they would least like to spend
any time in (regardless of whether they had actually visited them or not,
going merely on names and reputations) and decided on Accrington. Alistair
Ffitz said that he imagined that it was nicer than it sounded with the result
that the friends bet him he couldn’t live there for 3 months. He did live
there for 3 months and decided to stay, much to the amazement and snobby disgust
of his chums.
