Yo Brothers! How’s it hanging? Mine’s hanging well, thank you. Check out the fur coat! It’s truly SPLENDIFEROUS.

So here I am typing away, creating worlds within worlds; I wrote all that stuff you know – TALES OF THE RIVERBANK – I was completely stoned most of the time and those BBC types paid me SHIT, good shit I have to say but SHIT nonetheless. Apparently giving out wads of cash to vermin was outside their remit so they just fed my long standing drug habit, which was cool I suppose though I lived in a bloody hole in the ground - not much fun I can tell you, the damp permeates your glossy coat & gives you rickets.

 When I'm not writing I'm usually chilling out listening to Miles Davis or surfing the web - yes hamsters can operate computers too you know, it doesn't take a genius!

 My favourite spice is that fat bald one - I don't recall her name, she's always bouncing around and it makes me laugh (or cry depending on my mood).

 Don't talk to me of seeds & nuts, I never touch the stuff - I'm told it's fattening anyway. I stick to regular stuff liked minced cheese with lumpy frog or demesne haddock on a coat hanger.

 My current 'fad' is for sticking a grapefruit up my arse but that's getting far too popular for my liking so I'm going to move on to something new soon - I'll tell you about it next time I see you.

 Keep the royalties flooding in!

                                       Your furry friend,

Hammy Hamster.