Mary Kirkpatrick
Poetry
1991-2005
Copyright 2007
Distortion
Maybe tomorrow
You'll see myself
my real self
Maybe tomorrow.
I wait for you to really look.
For your love to become
something more than superficial
But my heart feels a mockery.
Can't you really know me?
See my loves and fears for what
They truly are,
Not just what you want to see,
But what is really there.
You're so blinded from this
"love"
So cheap, unreal, wrong
You don't know me
And I fear you never will.
Please go and find a woman
who can live
Beneath your blind gaze.
Self Betrayal
A presence in the corner
of this mind
Nagging like a hungry child,
Think and scream in
a torrent of denial.
Afraid to look in the face
of truth
and see it there so real
and bold.
Wanting to be comfortable
Wanting to be sane,
Loneliness not so much
Something to look to
Denial looks better.
Crazy me! Why ask why,
Sieze the day and find
myself drowning in a
quagmire of dung
The dung of honesty
That stinks up my life
And leaves me alone.
1993
Mother May I
Earth will find her tongue
Late in the day
Choking mass of blackened brains
Fists to fists
Feet to feet
Around she turns
Like she'd like to pin the tail
on the moon
But night blindfolds the strength
the sanity of action.
Dear J
You give me no joy
You teach me no love
You find nothing for smiling
You have failed and I have lost
I need more than what
You are not giving.
Silent Answers Screaming
Did he see the moon shining
Through the cold pane of glass?
Did he shiver in the cool of night
Did he waken the sleeping
woman in me?
Did his fingers tingle when
They touched?
Did his lips quiver in
anticipation
Did the velvet curtain of
oblivion drop?
No.
Idle Time
The night stole in to free each soul
An orchestration of tyranny and
masochistic lust
As wind wrapped each leaf
in gentle warmth,
And crickets chirped in orgasmic harmony.
And with the dawn came imprisoned
stares
Cagey lives filled with noise and nothing
The day so hot bearing down its
fire of condemnation,
As prayers for the falling dew
Drip in quiet whispers
from parched tongues.
___________________________________
1996
The noise that sounds
This day of fret
And the mind that cries
out of the pungent stupor
of naught
Can free us.
A thousand waves
of silence
Can't wash away
The feedback of a lifetime.
Welts of pain
Rising from the lashing
tongues of today will not
fade tomorrow.
The golden time
Lies in the wake
of the quivering heart,
Making itself the free
vessel of love, not hate.
No Cycles
The luscious peach
Like a woman's innocence
So soft, yet hard at once
Drip, drip, drip
The evening dew falls down.
Beauty could only behold
The angry face of humanity
In her serenity
A reflecting pool of life.
The symphony of nature
The cacophony of humanity
End it all with silence
Not even a rustling wind
Only the stillness of death
And no one to smell its stench.
Passages
For in this land
There blows a wind
Twice unkind
Thrice screaming
Following streams to end
This shortage of warmth,
Of courage to exist.
Hallowed madness trickles
Generation to generation
Blinding generalities
Try to point to a crack
A fissure in the mind
Trapping cold hard memories.
Nothing fascinates the worldly
God.
Nothing falls on deaf ears
Thoughtless silence flings
itself into the heart.
The liquid chains of blood embrace
us in our dysfunction
This repulsive apparatus of despair
We call family.
Mad Dream
Mad dream
Place the honeyed lie
in the delicate breast
of spring.
Shining like a diamond
of hope
The ugly blue sea
Stares back infinitely.
Dancing death masks
Near sleep, near morn
And
The night swims deep
into the aching brain.
Repulsive power, the
Vision
of weakness is not
The flood of moonlight on
exposed skin
But the pink petals
rotting on the grass.
1998
Soul Currents
Worth is so much like a river
Wild and undeserving
Winding, wending, wandering
Pushing the questions deeper
to the rock of soul.
And the life
Finding its worth an eroding
mess of sewage
Right to be a long way
from this goal.
Perfect sun, perfect moon
Pull this heart around
the bends
The twists and turns
Questions of my faith.
My Dark Place
I'm lying to you,
I'm not telling you,
The whole truth
of my heart.
I feel you in my soul,
Though you are not in my life,
Each day I tell myself,
I can let you go.
But then I'm lying to
myself,
This is a dark alley
of roses and thorns,
I flee into it willingly.
Don't know why I fear
to be alone.
Because caught in the madness
of this strange love,
I'm already there.
If I could pick
Every rose from this
dark place,
I'd lay down on my
bed of painful pleasure,
and live.
You give your love
Like watering the roses
On a rainy day.
Pour out your heart
On the pavement of life
Burnt by the sun,
Worn by the winds,
Drowned by the rain.
But you'll do it
again and again,
Just to prove
You believe in love,
Silly, silly girl
You ask the
questions
That make me quake inside,
Perpetually you hold a mirror
Testing me to see, if the truth is in my eyes.
You are
impenetrable,
You hold me away,
Afraid perhaps I'll ask you questions
That you cannot bear to hear.
But you
must know
I am not here to judge you,
I'm here to love you
If only you'll let me.
A year of
you,
A year of us,
A year when I found my weakest self,
A year when I discovered
the darkness inside,
But in the dark, I found you waiting.
You lit up
my world with
magical escape,
And when the time came
To face the truth and my own heart,
You were there to see me
Through and catch my tears.
We have
endured the
roughest seas,
Cast spells and arrows
at each other in anger, confusion,
But through it all we have each other.
Will you promise
me years and years,
Promise me friendship and love,
Promise me
you'll always wait in the
darkness,
And be there forever to catch my tears
Chase away my fears.
What are you looking
for
in me?
What do I possibly have
to give,
That you would want.
Maybe I know in the
heart of my soul,
But I can't look there
Because it's yours.
Feels so strange
A door in my heart
I cannot open
But I know behind it is such beauty.
I know I must find
happiness
Here in my own bower of thoughts
and loves,
But always a part of me yearns
For you to open the door.
My Muse
Bring me your
Je ne sais quois
To help me fight
The numbness of my world.
Let me roll
about
Under the glory of
Your adoring look
Just once more.
Feed my
soul
With your passion
Taste me and tempt me
With your teasing tenderness.
And when we are through
I will find my heart
Once more filled
Ready to explode with joy and words.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Your Prison
You created this prison,
These bonds that hold you,
Wrapped in a whirlwind
You can't see the path.
Too blind to see
The gentle hand before you,
Waiting to help you
Walk away.
Pretend to suffer,
Imagine your lack of choices,
Fantasize about a normal world,
Rattle the bars of your soul.
Your vision limited
By what you create,
You neglect your greatest creation,
You.
My Prison
Paralyzed by self
doubt,
Bound by the ideals,
The expectations
I've kept above my heart.
In this dark moment,
Filled with chaos
I yearn to control,
But my heart whispers, let go.
My prison, my fear,
Losing love, losing light,
Being alone, left only
With the ghost of my failing ideal.
Can I waken
My own spirit
Rouse myself to feel
The truth, and not a hollow expectation?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Desert moon,
So full,
Brimming with passion
Reflecting the quicksilver
fluidity of my soul.
This hollow world,
Echoes with an empty rhythm,
How can you be so complete?
An irony staring down
at me.
I wish you filled me
With your cool shining confidence,
Though I bathe in your light,
I'm yet left cold.
A dark cloud may shroud you,
If only for a moment,
And I am relieved
Just to know you are not
Immune to shadows.
You mirror me,
All the things I love to hate
About myself, my past, my present,
And you remind me
Of what I willed away long ago.
Rushing in my face,
Black birds wings
Blinding me softly from
the third eye.
I want to see but am
mesmerized,
Your eyes, your lips, your
ever beating heart,
All fill me truly.
Because I see in you
The reflection of my heart's
biggest disappointments,
of my heart's
warmest wishes.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My
Contradiction
You have
cut me,
You have found
me
You have
put your finger,
In the
darkest part of my heart.
I am
helpless in the wake
Of your
knowing look
I am too
filled with sorrow
To find a
better way.
Lives so
different,
Colliding,
exploding
Destroying
everything
My hope is
waning.
A new moon is coming,
The darkest night of my darkest year
And you it’s demon or angel
I cannot yet tell.
You ask me
What would I do
Without the pleasure of you
In my world each day.
I would wander empty hallways,
Tour the sweet memories
Like watching a movie I love
again, and again.
Wait inside the stillness of my day.
Wait for
time to cure me,
Or for fate to bring you back
For you to realize that my love
Was your love, and you can't
Imagine another moment without me.
And then you'd realize
That you don't know what you have
Until it's gone.
But the beauty of me is, that
if you disappear, I'll still be here
for you, forever.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I want to dance
with you
In the moonlight
of a Venice carnival night...
Press me into a
dark doorway,
Breathe the life of
your passion into my soul.
Let me feel intensely
alive,
I want to feel the bitter sweet pain,
of you filling me then leaving me.
The distant revelry
falls away,
I hear the rhythm of my
heart,
Feel the rhythm of you,
Oh decadence...you will be
my ruin.
Catleya's
Tears
Catleya's crying again
But no one listens
For she cries all the time
No one believes her pain.
Catleya's
crying again
What silly game
Has played her a fool
Let her drown in her tears.
Catleya's
crying again
Her heart broken
In pieces
Because she trusts anyone.
Catleya will cry
Because she never learns
Her crying brings the wounded souls..
Who will hurt her again, again, and again.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Our
Truth
If you leave
My soul will lose
A
piece of its truth
All that will be left are memories,
music and words.
Your
sweet lies
And
cruel truths
Created a balance I loved
A balance that let me love you.
If
I saw you on the street,
I would see myself in your eyes
I would recognize pain, pleasure,
And the world we shared together.
How
can two souls
So matched perfectly in deep darkness
Lose
each other so easily,
If only time and forgiveness
could intercede.
You
punish us both
You walk away from our truth
And I stand here
Grieving the loss of half of a spiritual whole.
They
will all say
It is for the best
But it is my turn to know the truth
I know I would show you that
not all love ends in hate.
A love cut short,
Never ends in the mind and heart,
So my heart will call to you to the end of time,
A beacon of hope and truth.
Fervent
A passion,
a compulsion
the only way to describe
The desire, the fire
That burns in the deepest
soul.
Urgency,
emergency
Don't wait until you
Understand its purpose
Just focus.
Reality,
totality
a willing heart
Never more was known
Run forward and see
what you have sown.
And when
you see
the landscape of your soul
You'll know
Your fervent nature reached
its goal.
Breaking
Waves
I seek to know,
And in my wake
Destroy myself.
If only a less egotistical
pursuit existed.
Fumbling in
the darkness
My mind gloats
Over secrets shared and unshared
Hiding is being something separate.
Don't fit anywhere
Always a peg square
Not round for the hole.
What suitable purpose
does my defiance serve?
Some gauzy mask
Clouds my view
The glassy lake of life
Appears smooth, carefree
Until I insist on
breaking waves.
My
Subconscious Love
I would
wait until
the end of time,
For one kiss from you,
my subconscious love.
Soul twins
and lovers,
What will we do
When we consume ourselves
With the passion of our fullest wish.
No distance
or time
Keeps us apart,
No everyday annoyance or burden,
Just the unlimited horizon of our
own fancy.
Our dance,
in our quiet
place
No one else would understand
But destroyed like the Phoenix
The fire of our love continues forever
In our subconscious.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Real Tears
The kind that fall
Ever so slowly
From dry eyes
No sobs, just salty
drops of reality.
Running
down
hot cheeks,
If only a cool
kiss
To take them away.
Quiet
rolling waves
of pain
Swallow it, don't let
anyone know
You looked within and
cried.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Love in a Mirror
I remember that first night
We took a picture of ourselves in a mirror
Desperate to capture the energy
Of love in motion, of
passion in portrait.
I can see it now,
Our laughing smiles,
Adoring eyes that told the world,
Go away, we're in our bower,
Our perfect world in the
Mirror next to the shower.
Capture these moments,
For in the dark hours
Where laughter is scarce,
And love a seeming chore,
You'll feel that lightness
And decide to love each other just once more.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hic Sunt Leones
Set me adrift
Let me go
Let me float away
On these cold waves of regret.
The uncharted waters
Tossed us about
Threw us on a common silent shore
Where we huddled, alone but together.
When the stars rained down
You turned them from tears to diamonds,
The magic in one word or gesture
I'll never forget.
Though we may go
Where lions fear to tread
I'll never feel alone,
Knowing we saw it all as one.
And now as I'm drifting
From the silent shore
Your magic now a memory,
Haunts me evermore.
My Dark Heart
In my dark heart,
I will always be alone,
Waiting for the light
of another soul,
To fill me up, dispell the darkness.
And oh to be so careful
To not swallow them whole
This great abyss of need
Haunts me in its hollowness.
My eyes, deep as green oceans,
Fill with salty tears,
Endless depths
Of ebbing, flowing pain.
How could you dare
To touch this world
Where I am lost
Without fear of drowning in me.
Brave soul who has
loved me and left,
This icy blackness
Now a bit less cold,
With the memory of your embrace.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Lost
I am lost,
I break myself
Upon the hard rock
of your soul,
I throw my desires
Into cold winds
And wonder why the
hollows ache inside me.
I would rather
love a painful lie,
Than believe a loving
truth.
I’m a foolish girl
Who twisted my heart?
Who tore my soul
Into pieces?
Made me useless to
my very self?
Unkind to those
who would adore me?
Who made me this way?
I did.
Na Shledanou
My dark hawk,
Your shadow haunts me
Do you protect me?
Or do you prey upon me?
I see you,
My heartbeat races,
I move, you follow
I want to feel your dark
wings on my face.
If only my spirit
Could rise up to meet yours
We could soar together
But I am trapped on earth
As you circle me then disappear.
(Dekuji David, miluju te milacku. Na shledanou., Catleya)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
For My Friends
I'm looking up
From the darkest depths
Can barely see the light
Filtering down to me.
One single ray of light,
Guiding me up, up, up
Fast as I can without
Killing my spirit.
And suddenly more than light,
A hand, the strongest hand
Grasping mine, slippery but sure
Pulling me insistently into the light,
into hope.
Discontent
This evening of discontent
Will lead me to one conclusion,
That my heart is false and shallow
My world nothing more than a broken promise.
How can I pursue
The truth of my soul
When my heart forever whispers
You do not know where to go.
A Prayer to No One
Raise me
Oh please pull me up
Out of this world of
Illusion and stupor.
I want to fly
But yet I fall
Waiting for some gentle hand
To catch me.
There is no cure
No healer can help
The missing pieces
Are gone forever.
And so I sit,
Keening in this corner,
Hoping, hoping, hoping.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
My Autumn
The harvest is done,
Reaped a year
Of pain and pleasure,
Dreams fleeing on cold winds.
The world changing color
Matches the kaleidoscope
Of emotions, threatening to
Engulf me with passion, anguish,
And finally emptiness.
Each year we die
So to be reborn
In this decaying time
I feast a harvest of pleasure
To bear the winter hunger.
The months to come
Stretch out ahead in darkness
But let me bask in the glow
Of the fall, enjoy the vanquished
time when I feel,
Like I'm dying a noble death with nature.
Caught unawares
In an intricate web
A place to willingly
Stick yourself.
Sweet words and promises,
Gestures, proclamations,
Crazy whirlwind
As you spin yourself
tighter, tighter.
You are bound
Hands tied,
Mouth gagged
And you wait.
It dawns on you
Struggling to extricate yourself,
You are only lost
Deeper in the silken
world.
Realize your foolish misstep,
Too late,
You wait to be eaten,
And wait.
But there is no one
As you fight to finally
Tear away the constraints,
The bonds that blinded you.
That held your true wish at bay.
As you finally escape,
Turning back to see the Creator,
The thing that pulled you in
There is nothing, no one.
Even your pain flees you.
You are back in the desert.
Awakened from a dream,
A wide open space to discover,
Or a barren netherworld to
Be lost in.
Liars paradise,
A shimmering oasis no more
Turn and face the dazzling distance.
It shakes, but it is real.
Beneath our masks,
We are we
We are the earth,
moon, and stars
Together as one.
We are true friends
We are true lovers
We are true.
let me see your naked soul
love and adoration
Without our masks
You will believe.
Hypocrite
Who can love the butterfly
Hiding in her cocoon,
Who can find the princess
Behind the grotesque mask.
Flashes of color
Promises of sweet darkness
A kiss to prove
There must be something more.
But what if the butterfly
Just a plain moth
You waited for her
Promised beauty
And now she's free
But your love is dead.
She flies away.
Alone.
Am I a tree
That sways with the
Fickle winds of change?
Am I the bloom
that closes just before,
The bee escapes?
His life laden with
promise, I hold him
against his will.
I am a holder
Who hangs on
Can't let go of one
piece of my world--
If I do,
it won't make sense.
The puzzle of my life
Makes sense now,
So why do I long
to tear it apart,
Force pieces where
they don't belong?
All I am
All I represent
Lies in the forced puzzle piece.
It almost looks right,
It almost fits right
But oh, it feels totally wrong.
If only I could be happy
With the pretty picture meant for me.
Then maybe I would have
a moment of peace,
A moment to reflect on its truth.
Cole
Joy, my son, you
are the only source
of joy in this world.
Your face lighting up
When you run to me
"Mommy!" on your lips
Your eyes dazzling
with mischief.
You melt my heart,
Complete my soul,
Give me a reason to
Finish a day and start anew.
Oh brilliant boy,
We sing songs of life together
And I know that God gave
me you,
To save me.
I love you,
Mommy
Sweet Silence
I started to ask you
And you put your finger
In the sweet dip of my cupid's bow.
"Shhhhh..." you said.
"But," I said, your finger still
Gently pressing on my mouth.
And then you silenced me
with a kiss.
And somehow I knew what
i was going to say mattered not.
Harrow on the Hill
He whispered in my ear,
Pulling me by the hand,
Up, up, up,
His words caressing my ears
"Harrow darling, we are here."
Then tugging me gently down
Onto the grass
Laughing softly, he pointed
Showing me the place where
Our hero Byron
Had spent so many hours
in contemplation.
Looking in his cerulean eyes
Sparkling with love for me
Love for Byron
Love for this moment
We'd waited a lifetime to share.
And I, my heart exploding
Could almost feel his presence
Feel his words wash over me,
over us,
Like our forbidden love
Our tragic adventure
through life,
We wanted him to see us
Living his words.
To Catch a Butterfly
Did you ever try
To catch a beautiful
Butterfly
On a warm summer's day?
You watch, you wait,
You hold your breath
In sweet anticipation
Cupping your hands,
Then Pounce!
Up, up, up
High into the
Sun spotted sky
Free it flies away.
Your heart sinks,
The warm sun
Slides behind a fluffy
cloud,
Shadows fill the wood.
Until you see it,
Again it's brilliant
Soft colored self
Fluttering through your world.
And again you are warmed
by the sun,
Filled with that sweet
Anticipation once more.
Do you pounce?
Or do you learn to
Just admire it from afar.
Oh heaven you look down
On a fool.
A fool for love, not fortune
Wandering from friend to friend
Lost only in his own mind.
What is need, and
What is want
When a craving so
Illogical possesses a being.
Born with an ineptitude
At knowing what is enough
The fool,
Forfeits all that is real and good
For all that is terrible fancy.