Cyclocross, Cycleski, combinocross--off-season alternatives for the frigidly-challenged. Each has its tefosi. But a recently rediscovered sport threatens to blow the rest off the face of the planet: Samurcycling.

Samurcycling began years ago in parking lots and school grounds. Old timers remember Rexbo, Mudballs and Spaghetti Eddie slamming into each other and destroying their equipment at the Richland lumber yard arena. Jivin' Jima has tried a few samurai moves on her husband over the years, but so far has only achieved samuricide. "She shoulda known better than ta mix it up with da big boys," muttered the Jooper.

And BIG is the name of the game. Tour de Franks winner Yawn Ulrich, not noted for his Clydesdale physique, has resorted to wearing an inflatable samurai suit to be competitive. "Heets really deeficult," Ulrich explains. "De soot giffs me de size, but not de weight. My sensai, de Roostermann, hoss me on de cellulose fiber and Olestra diet, and I hope someday t be hable to compete widout de soot, like my hero, Mark Bradley."

Critics sneer at samurcyclists, calling them "Doughboys" and "Michelin-men in diapers." But aficionados pride themselves on their rotund appearances. "When I put on the thong, I am ready to rumble!" snarls Big Tim Renz, samuraniac. Unfortunately, Mr. T has been known to make his moves on Camaros and pickup trucks while in the samurpsychotic rages of the game.

Still, the Flyers feel they have a great chance this samurseason. Ironically, the biggest competition (and I mean BIG), might come from the other Tri-Cities club, Chinook. "They've got some heavyweights like Dr. Dirt and Tarpon and the Jooper, but our other guys like Turbo Brown and Dandy Don Lewis and Tormy Cole are just pack fodder in this sport."

Coleman continued, "We're hoping Mark Bradley comes out of retirement. He's in great samurcycling shape and has all the experience. He's a great leader, both at the refrigerator and in the samurcycle circle."

The fall samurseason is just around the corner ... belly up!

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