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Captain Pants - 20 February 1998
NARRATOR: Good Morning gentle listener and welcome to this mornings episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, the Captain, Parson Wind, and the oddly behaving Bosan Bosan are awaiting the arrival of the great god Twinkle. As the sun rises, the moment draws near.
CAPTAIN: Ahh, the gently wafting of the ocean breezes.
[fart]
PARSON WIND: Oh, sorry Captain. I can't help it.
CAPTAIN: Oh, that's alright my fine flatulent friend. Nothing can spoil my mood on this wonderous day. What say you Bosan Bosan?
BOSAN: Oh, my head. I've never felt so depressed and worthless. Do you think I could have some of that sherbet that the natives gave me last night?
CAPTAIN: No Way! After several bowls of that sherbet last time I saw you, you were climbing up a tree with a bunch of bananas smeared over your genitals crying out 'Who's a pretty monkey, then? Who's a pretty monkey?'
BOSAN: Ahh, well that explains these bloody scratches.
NARRATOR: All bow before the great god Twinkle. Tremble, ye mighty. Quake ye volcanoes. Scatter ye four winds of the earth for here comes teh omnipotent one, the Great God Twinkle!
TWINKLE: Oh Cap'n give us a big hug you big lunk.
[rounds of applause]
PAUL out of character: He's back! He's back!
MIKEY out of character: Twinkle's back!
PAUL: Twinkle's back, Ladies and Gentlemen! Twinkle...
CAPTAIN: Twinkle! 'Tis you!
MIKEY out of character: With a big monologue coming up so you'd better get the character voice right!
PAUL: I was having a bit of trouble there.
CAPTAIN: But how? The last time I saw you.. I saw you.. [laughing] The last time I saw you...
TWINKLE: Aieee, I was on the ship just before the ex..
PAUL out of character: I can't do it now!
SANDY: C'mon Twinkle!
PAUL: I'm gettin' it together. Wait a second! Gotta loosen my trousers...
TWINKLE: I was on the ship just before teh explosion, well, I was blown clean away. Not an unpleasant experience might I say and instead of landing in the ocean, I landed in the blowhole of a great whale. Well, at least I think it was a blowhole. Oh boy did I need a bath after that! Pong! God almighty! Well, anyway, a couple of hours later these lovely natives harpooned me and the whale and then cut me out, laid me open like some dirty strumpet inside a giant birtyday cake...
[laughter]
SANDY: You wish you'd read this, don't you?
PAUL: I wish I'd had a look at it before I started.
TWINKLE: ...which, by the way, is how I feel I've paid my way through college. Wait! ,, which by the way is how I paid my way through college.
MIKEY: Oh, the magic's ...
SANDY: It's another great start for Twinkle.
MIKEY: The magic's back, isn't it? It'sw like a horse, isn't it, mate?
PAUL: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Open the gate.
TWINKLE: Anyway, that fulfilled some ancient prophecy of those sweet people and well, it's been gravy ever since. Oh God, it's good to see you!
CAPTAIN: Oh, it's good to see you too. Ahh, you can stop hugging me now.
TWINKLE: Sorry, Sir. I AM God and I believe God hugs who he likes and now i feel like giving the parson a big ol' squeeze!
[fart]
PARSON: Oh, sorry.
NARRATOR: Well, wasn't that neatly explained..
MIKEY: Not really, no.
[laughing]
PAUL: Do you wanna do it again?
MIKEY: NO!
NARRATOR: ... but what of Tiffany Hirsute and her mother? Well, after being banished by her father, she has run from the house with her mother in tow.
TIFFANY: Oh mama, mama, how shall we make it to Portsmith now?
LADY HIRSUTE: Well, well, my dear, we catch a ride with the next couch. I'm sure that any young gentleman would stop and give a pretty maiden and her mother a ride and when I say a ride I mean a oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..
TIFFANY: Yes, Mother, I think I know what you mean.
LADY HIRSUTE: ...Oh, Baby.
TIFFANY: But aren't you forgetting we're disguised as men. I mean who is going to pick up... a quiet carriage approaches.
MIKEY: A quiet carriage approaches. Oh, umm.. I gotta do the carriage.
PAUL: You know what would really help?
MIKEY: What?
PAUL: Some punctuation.
MIKEY: I'm doing the carriage.
TIFFANY: Quiet, quiet! A carriage approaches!
[clip, clop sound effect of horses]
MIKEY: (to Jen) It's your line next.
JEN: Oh yeah, it is too.
TIFFANY: Would you be going to Portsmith now?
COACH DRIVER (Paul) : Ay, I'll be taking me performing troop of farty wenches here to entertain the sailors. Fine, young handsome men they are. Good, good golly, w-what's hangin' down there you lovely piece of man meat..
LADY HIRSUTE: Hello!
COACH DRIVER: And wizard old companion.
MOTHER: Well, thank you.
COACH DRIVER: Get in the back with the lasses, but I'd better warn ye, they be full of gin and in right-mischievous mood. [woo-hoo's coming from the girls]
TIFFANY: Mama, mama, what shall we do?
MOTHER: Ahh, I'm so proud that I'm a wizard. I'll be thinking I wouldn't know. Oh, look, tell ya what. Yoy lot, hands off the boy, he has the pox!
TIFFANY: Thank you very much!
NARRATOR: Wll, it looks like the Hirsutes' are Portsmith-bound. And what of the new God Twinkle? Has it gone to his head to find out... Has it gone to his head?
SANDY: Oh Christ!
NARRATOR: Punctuation! To find out, tune in next week...
SANDY: Stupid Narrator!
NARRATOR: For the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 27 February 1998
Special Guest: Jason Lee - Plays Terry
NARRATOR: Good Morning Gentle Listener and welcome to this mornings episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Tiffany and her mother have set off for Portsmith. Well, after a sleepless night with travelling wenches they have finally arrived.
TIFFANY: Good news Mama, that salty old dog there has heard of Twinkle and what's more, he says his ship is leaving for the same area that Twinkle was last spotted in, on the new tide and what's more..
LADY HIRSUTE: No, no, no don't tell me. The very same ship is looking for two sailors and we should be able to get passage with them.
TIFFANY: Mama, how did you .. [pause] .. know?
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, don't, don't, don't ask. A little thing called plot development. Now, now, what alias should we use?
TIFFANY: Well, lets say that I'm a brave young man returning from the Spanish wars and perfect to be a first mate and that you are a crusty old tinker who will perform menial tasks for scraps of food.
LADY HIRSUTE: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on the island, Twinkle is getting reaquainted.
CAPTAIN: So Twinkle, how does it feel to be a god?
TWINKLE: Well, you have your good days and your bad days, like, Thursday. That's when the natives fed me papa - papaya.
[laughter]
MIKEY: Papaya.
TWINKLE: Pap, yep, fed me papaya and made me submit to their every sexual whim.
PARSON WIND: And, and that's a bad day?!?
TWINKLE: Oh, it has it's moments, you know. They're a cleary clean shaven race of people [starting to giggle]
SANDY: Monologues!
TWINKLE: .. a very clean shaven race of people, not a scrap of hair on them. Anyway, Fridays are not hot an' that's when we sacrifice the virgin. Oh, there's blood everywhere and believe you me, it's damn hard to get a virgin on these isles so it's off we go on the virgin hunt, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Speaking of which, here come the virgin inspectors now. How goes it Terry?
TERRY: Not a virgin in sight. I think we've just about run out of the pure unchased. Hang on, great god Twinkle, your friend, the parson, doesn't his religion forbid him from laying with another?
PARSON: Oh, does that include livestock?
TERRY: Yes.
PARSON: Ah, well, that's me in the clear then.
CAPTAIN: Oh, yes, well, ok. Well Twinkle, if we can't find a virgin then what do we do today?
TWINKLE: Well, I'm not sure. Terry?
TERRY: Well, according to the ancient scrolls, if no virgin can be found, then the great god shall be fed papaya and..
TERRY & TWINKLE: ..submit to the villagers' every sexual whim.
MIKEY: Next line's yours.
[Jen laughing in background]
PAUL: Oh, shit! Oops [giggling] [As Twinkle] Oh, well, looks like I'd better go and do my bikini linie.
CAPTAIN: Hey, do you need a hand with that. It's quite a big job.
TWINKLE: Oh, it'll just be like ol' times. You pull and I'll scream the place down!
JASON: Saucy!
[laughter]
PAUL: This is working!
BOSAN: Captain, captain! Ask the native about the sherbert.
Captain: For god's sake man. Can't you wait for the scratches to heal?
NARRATOR: Yes, lets all wait for the scratches to heal..
PAUL: I'm so ashamed.
NARRATOR: .. while we thank our extra special guest, Jason Lee, who played Terry.
[clapping]
NARRATOR: And tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 06 March 1998
From Adelaide University
Paul not there.
Hung Lee as the Captain of the Ship.
NARRATOR: Good Morning Gentle Listener and welcome to this mornings episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, the Captain has been made to feel very welcome on Twinkle's island. It is now Saturday night and there are very special celebrations afoot.
BOSAN BOSAN: Now, captain, what is the name of this celebration again?
CAPTAIN: I believe it's called the Mardis Gras. It's all, it's all part of the islands worship of Twinkle.
PARSON WIND: Is that why we have to have all our body hair taken off?
BOSAN: Oh, yes, you foolish man.
PARSON: Oh, don't call me that.
BOSAN: I'll call you waht I like, Stupid man.
PARSON: I swear..
(SANDY out of character: I'm getting mixed up)
PARSON: I swear I'll slap you.
BOSAN: Slap away [slap, slap, slap] Ohh.
[laughter]
[fart]
PARSON: It's this damn tropical heat. It drives a man to do crazy things. Like, ohh, you know, it's the pressure of this Mardis Gras. I mean, I've never waxed another man before.
CAPTAIN: Well, it's time to start waxing me now. Now, make sure you get right in between the cheeks.
BOSAN: Here, help me hold apart the, the cheeks apart. Pull harder man!
[straining sound effects]
Oh my God, that's hairy!!
PARSON: And rather deep.
CAPTAIN: Wedge them open with a coconut. Now, pour the wax in and let it t-tear.
[tearing sound effect]
CAPTAIN: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
BOSAN: Oh, you think that stings? Wait until I whack on the aftershave.
[laughter]
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in England, Tiffany and her mother have boarded the ship disguised as men.
TIFFANY: Mother, are you sure this will work? Do you really think anyone's going to believe I'm a first mate.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh yes, oh sure, my darling. Just act manly and butch and shout out in a nice deep voice. Oh yes.
TIFFANY: [with male voice] Men, I would like to welcome you aboard the S.S. Saucy Probe on this her last..... they're not gonna believe that!
MIKEY: Oh, that's Hung Lee's part.
SANDY: Hung Lee's part, Jen.
JEN: Oh, I wanna be the Captain!
MIKEY: Nah, you're first mate.
JEN: Oh, ok. Did you like the voice?
MIKEY: Hung Lee..
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Men, I, I would like to welcome you onto the S.S. Saucy Probe on this her last voyage of discovery. I can't promise you a smooth passage. Those who've been on the Probe with me before but I know just what a demanding exercise insisst on. Before we go any further I would ask the first mate to call the roll. [NB. Hung Lee's words are slurred]
TIFFANY: [male voice] Just shout out your name when when present. Seaman Stains?
CROWD: Here.
TIFFANY: Seaman Sprays?
CROWD: Here.
TIFFANY: Seaman Salty?
CROWD: Here.
TIFFANY: Seaman Semen?
CROWD: Yes.
TIFFANY: Seaman Tinks?
CROWD: Yeah.
TIFFANY: Seaman Dover? Seaman Dover? Seaman Ben Dover?
CROWD: Yes.
TIFFANY: Brother Placidus?
CROWD: Here.
TIFFANY: Lord Anu? Lord Anu? Lord Anu?
LORD ANUS: I do believe you mean me, and it's pronounced Anus. [laughter] You know, it's French you know.
TIFFANY: And finally, the crusty old tinker.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, present.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S.: The tinker sounds like a lady.
LADY HIRSUTE: This tinker's no lady. I'm a big, butch, blokey tinker. Ive got, I'm 'The Biggest Balls Out' Tinker in the whole land.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S.: Alright, for now, but I'm keeping my eye on you.
LADY HIRSUTE: I'd better wear the cast iron undies then.
NARRATOR: [pause] yes... [pause again]
SANDY: yes?
NARRATOR: .. lets all keep an eye on her...
MIKEY: Jeez, someone had a big night last night.
[laughter]
SANDY: The narrator's got the wobbly boot on.
MIKEY: The narrator's pissed.
NARRATOR: .. And our ears tuned to the radio next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 13 March 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, Tiffany and her mother have gained passage on a ship bound for the Carribean. It is now several weeks later and they are moored just off the tiny island where Pants and the rest of our crew are living the life of luxury.
CAPTAIN: Pass me another mango, Parson Wind.
[fart]
(MIKEY out of character: Oh god I wish you used your hands when you did that.) Ah, Twinkle. How goes the life of being a god?
TWINKLE: Oh, it's all tickety pooh. I performed a miracle today.
BOSAN: Oh really?
TWINKLE: Oh yes, Really, really. I made a dangerous python, that was scaring the villagers, disappear.
CAPTAIN: Tell us all about it. Here, come, sit down and tell us how you made that python disappear.
TWINKLE: Well, I wish I could, sir.
BOSAN: Well... oh...
TWINKLE: I wish I could.
PAUL: Twice, ha, can you read?
[Laughter from Jen]
BOSAN: Yes, I can, and it's Friday again. I suppose we'd better get ready to sacrifice another virgin.
TWINKLE: I'm so over that! I wish these villagers would just realise that there are no virgins to be had in these parts. By the way, what's up with you Bosan Bosan?
CAPTAIN: Oh, the natives have taken away his white powder until he learns to leav the monkeys alone.
BOSAN: Yeah, just as I'd developed a really potent banana body oil.
TWINKLE: Ah well, we better, we'd all better get waxed for the celebrations.
[fart]
CAPTAIN: And you'll get done again. I don't want these simple island folk offended by your buttock stubble.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the ship, the captain is addresssing the crew.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. SAUCY PROBE: [PAUL trying out different voices] Alright you scurvy dogs. We've been at sea now for 8 weeks, which means according to the rules of his ma-jest-y's sea vessels, all sailors must prevent themselves [laughter] for the sanitary act of .. bathing. Yes, a bit prissy if you ask my opinion, but what the hell! At the command, STRIP! I will expect to hear the sounds of clothes hitting the deck. Understood?
TIFFANY: My god, mother! We'll be discovered as women and thrown off the ship.
LADY HIRSUTE: NO, no, no. Don't worry my dear. These artificial todgers that I furnished us with, will pass all but the most vigourous inspection.
TIFFANY: But mama, what about THESE?
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, just tuck 'em under your armpits like me.
TIFFANY: Mother, you can do that, but I can't
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, alright. Tell them you eat a lot of chicken. I believe that works on men, you know.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Alright me, ha, ha, ha, STRIP!
[ohh, ohh, from other crew members]
Great Jehovah! We have women on board. Women with poorly attatched prosthtic penis'.
TIFFANY: Look, mother, I told you the pointy bit went at the front.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh sorry, it's been a while.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Women, women, women.
MIKEY: WOMEN!
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Wo-o-o-o-men [sung] mean nothing but disaster at sea. Cast them adrift.
TIFFANY: What a ridiculous attitude and so unfortunate during international women's week.
[laughter]
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Put them in a life boat with enough pate and vintage wine for them to last a month.
LADY HIRSUTE: Pate and vintage wine?
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : Yes, we may be pig ignorant sexist fools but we do know how to throw a spread.
TIFFANY: I spit at your spread.
CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. : All-righty oh. For that no crackers for you miss, lass, wretch, wanted woman, hussy, slut, oh daughter of Satan.
[laughter]
NARRATOR: Oh dear, what shall become of Tiffany and her mother, adrift on the high seas without crackers? And just a shore row from the island containing Tiffany's long lost, bastard, half twin brother. To find out, tune in next week for the next episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 20 March 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Tiffany and her mother have been set adrift just off the island where Captain and the men are living. We join them now on their little boat.
TIFFANY: You know, this rowing would be easier if you helped a bit mama.
LADY HIRSUTE: Ah, I am, I am helping.
TIFFANY: Nonsense. Everytime I should out 'stroke', you rub the tip of the oar in that suggestive manner.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh sorry, old habits die hard.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on the island, the men are getting ready for the Friday night sacrifice.
CAPTAIN: Ok. Twinkle, go throught the checklist again.
TWINKLE: Might I remind you that on this island I am a God!
PARSON WIND: Oh, this whole God thing [fart] is starting to shit me.
TWINKLE: Hold your tongue or I'll ...
PARSON WIND: Oh, what? Turn me into a ... what? what? Turn me into a toad? Go ahead, great god Twinkle!
CAPTAIN: Look, everyone, just settle down. When we're with the villagers, Twinkle's a god and when he's with us, he's my trusty old cabin boy. He used to dance the horn pipe to keep me amused. Go on Twinkle! For old times sake, show us ya horn pipe.
TWINKLE: Oh sir, I couldn't. I haven't had the old horn pipe out in ages. Now, where is Bosan Bosan?
PARSON: Oh..
MIKEY: Oh, that's my line thank you.
PARSON: Oh, sorry.
[laughter]
CAPTAIN: He's taken..
PAUL: Fight for it, fight for it, Parson!
[fart]
CAPTAIN: He's taken a face full of that white powder the natives make and shimmied up yon palm tree looking for monkeys.
TWINKLE: Oh, he sickens me.
BOSAN: A boat, oh, I spy a boat [starting to lose it] I spy a boat approaching the island. And there are women on board!
CAPTAIN: Women, you say?
BOSAN: Oh yeah! I hope one of them owns a monkey. None of these will have anything to do with me.
PARSON: Oh, [fart][collective farting] Ah, quick, let's go make their aquaintance [high pitched fart]
NARRATOR: But before the men have a chance, the women are siezed [Mikey: Native voices] by a war canoe full of villagers.
[mumble mumble mumble of the villagers.]
TIFFANY: Unhand me! I am Lady Tiffany Hirsute and this is my mother. Mother, say something.
LADY HIRSUTE: Yes, yes, would you mind moving your hands. No, not like that, like this.
[ohh coming from villagers and Lady Hirsute]
NARRATOR: Back on the beach, the men have arrived just in time as the village elder is preparing the sacrificial stone.
VILLAGE ELDER: [Paul with English accent] Good news chaps, new people, chances are that, seeing as they have [laughter] got these islanders...
PAUL: Oh damn.
VILLAGE ELDER: Good news chaps, very good news chaps, [laughter from Jen] new people coming today, chances are that seeing as they are not of this island, that they just might be virgins. They might just be virgins which means that, oh hoorah, it's sacrificing time again. I suggest the great God Twinkle gets his best robes on.
NARRATOR: Oh dear. What shall become of our hero and heroine? Will Twinkle be forced to, unknowingly, sacrifice his long lost half-twin sister?
PAUL: Hey?
NARRATOR: To find out, [laughter] tune in [more laughter] tune into next weeks exciting episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 27 March 1998
MIKEY: Shall we do the pants?
JEN: Put 'em on.
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Tiffany and her mother have been captured by the natives, and if proven virgins, will be sacrificed to the great god Twinkle. However, what they and Twinkle don't know is that Tiffany is Twinkle's long lost half-twin sister. [Paul: low moan] but right now the women are with Terry, the virgin inspector.
TERRY: [as spoken by Paul] Alright ladies, alright ladies..
MIKEY: A bit of Michael Cain.
TERRY: ...Alright ladies. Huh, there we go. Alright ladies, this shouldn't take a minute. Are you virgins?
LADY HIRSUTE: Is being a virgin a good thing?
TERRY: Oh, it's a most sacred thing.
LADY HIRSUTE: Then colour me virgin.
TERRY: And the girl?
LADY HIRSUTE: She's my daughter and yes, she's a virgin too.
TIFFANY: Mother, listen to yourself! Does second base count?
[long pause]
JEN: What!
PAUL: I don't know. I don't understand that.
JEN: Oh, neither do I.
MIKEY: Second base, that's second base.
PAUL: Oh right, right, right. Oh inside, outside..
MIKEY: Yeah, it's all..
PAUL: Upstairs, downstairs..
MIKEY: .. yeah, yeah.
PAUL: Yes, downstairs, outside, Downst.. oh alright!
[laughter]
TERRY: Clothes on or off?
TIFFANY: On.
TERRY: Come on down, we have a virgin. Well, I'd better go and tell the villagers to dust off the virgin sacrificing stone. That is if those root rats can remember where we left it! Now, what size robe do you take?
TIFFANY: Umm, hang on, a twelve. Oh! Did you say sacrificial stone?
TERRY: Yes, yes, the virgin sacrificial stone. What a celebration we will have!
MIKEY: It's your line.
JEN: Oh, I'm sorry.
TIFFANY: Hooray! A party! I'd better not drink too much, I always wake up the next day with the worst hangover.
TERRY: Oh, I don't think that will be a problem.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Captain Pants and the men are wondering what they can do.
CAPTAIN: Twinkle, you can't carry this vile deed through.
TWINKLE: Oh, I know.. oop.. oh, I know sir. Then oh.. shit. the voice is gone! He's had two voices to.. Oh, I know sir, but then I won't be a god anymore and I do love, love being a deity. Lovely deity. Love being a ... [whispering] oi, what's the voice?
MIKEY: I don't know the voice. You're the voice master.
PARSON: [over the top of Mikey and Paul] C'mon Twinkle. I'm waiting, I'm waiting to say my line, Twinkle. Twinkle! Just what happens in these ceremonies?
[fart]
[laughter]
PAUL: Oh, god almighty, I can't do it today!
TWINKLE: Well, the natives shout a lot with that sherbert stuff up their noses and dance all night under coloured lights.
CAPTAIN: That'll never catch on.
TWINKLE: Oh, and just before sunrise they sacrifice the virgin and then go off for coffee.
CAPTAIN: That's horrific.
TWINKLE: You think that's bad. You should see how grumpy they are the next day
[sound of the drums - with a damn good rhythm]
CAPTAIN: What is that drumming sound?
TWINKLE: My god! The dancing has begun! And look, in the middle of it, it's Bosan Bosan!
BOSAN: I'm a cowboy, I'm a cowboy. Let's all go to Melbourne!
CAPTAIN: And then on the throne, is that young English Rose's R-Rose in sacrificial robes. You know Twinkle, she looks a lot like you.
TWINKLE: Yes, sir, I had noticed that.
NARRATOR: Of course she does. Oh, what dark fate awaits our heroes? To find out, be at RMIT in Melbourne in two weeks from now for the continuing, further salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
MIKEY: What the hell were you doing?
PAUL: I don't know. What was I doing.
JEN: I'm sorry about my performance.
MIKEY: You were OK. Mister no character voice..
PAUL: I'm sorry.

Captain Pants - 10 April 1998
Live from RMIT Melbourne
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.Paul: You are so bad.
[laughter]
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Tiffany Hirsute is about to be sacrificed to the island Gods of sexual frenzy. All the while, her long lost bastard half-twin brother, Twinkle, is unaware that it is he who will soon be sacrificing her.
TWINKLE: Stop Jabaluka mines! Stop it!
[big cheer from the crowd as jungle drums start in the background]
TWINKLE: Oh well, let's get the whole ting over and donw with.
Captain: My god man! Haven't you noticed the striking similarity between you and the young woman?
BOSAN: I say we spike the natives magic snorting powder and once they fall asleep, we escape with the women, all their powder and that monkey over there with the shapely buttocks.
[monkey sounds]
PARSON: [fart] Oh [fart] ah, ah, what a foolish plan.
BOSAN: Ah, shut up you foolish man.
PARSON: Oh , I could just slap you.
SANDY: I'm getting mixed up. [laughter]
BOSAN: Oh, you and whose army?
PARSON: [fart]
CAPTAIN: That's it..
PARSON: ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
MIKEY: Oh, it's not your line.
PARSON: They're my lines, Tubby. That's it. Get ready for the slapping of your life!
TWINKLE: Stop Jabaluka mines!!
[laughter and screams from crowd again]
TWINKLE: Oh, will you two shut up. Now how are we going to get a message to the women?
CAPTAIN: We need a volunteer to slip, unknown, into their tent. Someone who could pass on a shapely native girl. [whooo's coming from the crowd] Turn those b-b.. I'd go myself but I look so roanly masculine, no one would believe me [laughter]
TWINKLE: Oh, give it a rest. Look just put me in a grass skirt and letemall, letemall at me?! Letemall, letemall. [out of character] Oh, your punctuation is so shit! Look at that! [laughter][back in character] I was voted most rootable of the 1778 Fairstar Change of Sex night. [Whoo's and laughter] Thankyou.
NARRATOR: And then, under cover of the night, Twinkle slipped through the rough jungle foliage, which swayed in the tropical breeze that rustled beneath his grass skirt.
CROWD: Rustle, rustle [laughter]
TWINKLE: Stop Jabaluka! [more laughter] Oh, that feels good!
NARRATOR: Yes, it did feel good against his firm, shaved, inner thighs [laughter] For a moment, it took his mind away from the dangerous mission at hand. Finally, or fin-ally it says here, he reached the grass hut and knocked on the door.
[knock, knock, knock, knock]
MIKEY: Ow! [laughter]
TWINKLE: Jeez, they build 'em strong round here.
TIFFANY: Enter!
LADY HIRSUTE: Only if you're hung..
JEN: Hello!
PAUL: Where did that come from?
[laughter]
SANDY: That's a stage direction, Jen.
MIKEY: Go enter again, Jen.
JEN: What, come in?
MIKEY: I don't mind if I do!
TIFFANY: Enter!
LADY HIRSUTE: Only.. [out of character] oh, mother [back in character] Oh, only if you're hung like a ...
TIFFANY: Ah, yes. It's the young man we saw at the beach.
MIKEY: Shoosh.. shoosh..
PAUL: Oh! Shoosh! [laughter] Yeah, yeah, shoosh.. [As Twinkle] Stop Jabaluka by the way. [laughter] Shoose! You are in danger. Now do as I say and we may all live..
MIKEY: Ah?!
TWINKLE: .. through this night.
MIKEY: Yes.
TWINKLE: NOw normally the natives party all night before the sacrifice but to keep going, they must snort a special powder we have substituted the powder so they will fall asleep as soon as they do we'll sneak off [out of character] you know, a comma would have helped in that somewhere.
TIFFANY: Pretty shithouse plan, Monkey Boy!
PAUL: You gotta better one, virgin features?
[laughter, extreme laughter, lots and lots of laughter]
PAUL: Thank you.
[whoo's and cheers from the crowd still going]
TWINKLE: it's you, they plan to sacrifice Tiffany, didn't they say that in the brochure?
MIKEY: Tiffany is her.
JEN: That's mine.
PAUL: Oh! Well, you see, a fullstop would've helped me there! [over to some people in the crowd] Look at that! There! There! Last line. Is there a full stop?
CROWD PEOPLE: No.
PAUL: No. A bloody full stop would've helped.
[somewhere in all that] Tiffany: They didn't say that in the Brochure!
MIKEY: Shut up! It's my line..
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, I knew it was a mistake to come on this trip in search of you long lost half bastard twin brother Twinkle.
TWINKLE: Twinkle? Did you say, I was a bastard?
[laughter once again]
TIFFANY: [very dramatic] What do you mean? He was..
LADY HIRSUTE: Don't you see, my darling? This urchin is..
TWINKLE: [even more dramatic] I must be!
TIFFANY: You are my long lost half twin bastard brother!
TWINKLE: Mother, mother. Oh my god. My head is spinning. But how could I, how could I, how could I be your half twin brother?
LADY HIRSUTE: It was an orgie.. it was dark. I thought I was sitting on a telescope. [laughter] Oh well, they were fun the old days.
NARRATOR: Yes, indeed they may have been fun days but listen. The jungle drums are starting.
MIKEY: Oh, jungle drums [starts whacking himself on the tummy]
JEN: Hang on. They're coming [on the backing soundtrack]
[Paul laughing at Mikey]
MIKEY: Shut up! This is hurting!
[laughter from the crowd]
[after a bit]Mikey: Is it my line?
PAUL: NO, it's my line, but I just enjoy this so.. [pause]
TWINKLE: What do drums say, Narrator?
NARRATOR: Drums say, human sacrifice starts at twelve. Bring your own grog!
[laughter] And so, with tension mounting on either side we bid a hurried farewel to ur heroes and wonder just how will they escape from deaths agonising clutches. To find, tune in next week for the next exciting installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
PAUL [as Twinkle]: Stop Jabaluka mines! [cheers everywhere] Stop it!

Captain Pants - 17 April 1998
Guest: Julie McCrossin
ALL: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING : Captain Pants, Captain Pants. A tale of seaman and romance
ALL: As you may remember from our last episode, Twinkle and Tiffany and Lady Hirsute are awaiting on the natives to fall asleep in accordance with the plan that swapping their white dancing powder with simple baking flour will rob them of their stamina and make them fall asleep before the dawn sacrifice.
LADY HIRSUTE: What's happening now?
TWINKLE: Oh the men of the village are smearing each others pectoral muscles with oil. It's quite a display.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh give us a look. Oh that's right. give him one for me big boy.
TIFFANY: Mother, come away, someone is approaching the hut.
SOMEONE: All hail the great god twinkle
TWINKLE: Oh hail yourself
SOMEONE: Don't mind if i do.
JULIE: now look here sisters i want you to know that the women of the village are dead against this sacrifice. i'm sorry, poor choice of words. dead, i mean they're dead anyway..
PAUL out of character: oh good on you julie
JULIE: I want to be Lady Hirsute. I'm tremendously hairy and 20 kilos overweight, but no, I'm going to go back to this charming priestess that we regarded as an ongoing signifier of the patriarchy that plagues this island which is why we voted almost unanimously and that's good enough. Well everyone except Hilda but that's a long story, to liberate you and also pledge our support to the wharfies with their ongoing struggle with Patrick's.
JEN: Doesn't say that in the script.
JULIE: Does in mine!
TWINKLE: so just what cunning scheme have you come up with?
JULIE: well as you know the sacrifice can't take place until dawn so we intend to swap their magic snorting powder with flour.
TWINKLE: we've already thought of that
JULIE: and then perform a 3 hour latin percussion and ? tribute to the women field workers of vigarago? which will incorporate elements of street theatre, puppetry, but you forgot the mime.
TWINKLE: my god you're good
ALL: And did it work well. Barely 20 minutes into the performance the whole village is sound asleep.
[snoring]
CAPTAIN PANTS: All right then, everybody quiet as church mice let's sneak down to the canoes and ... Bosan, Bosan what is that?
BOSAN: it's my monkey sir
CAPTAIN: she can't come
BOSAN: but i got her a special going away outfit and it's dam hard to get the suspenders in her size.
PAUL: oh, sorry, i was asleep...
TWINKLE: Captain, This is my long lost half twin sister, Tiffany and her mother.
CAPTAIN: Lady hirsute!
LADY HIRSUTE: hmm Kevin boy Pants
CAPTAIN: It's Captain Pants these days. I say, do you still have that...
LADY HIRSUTE: yes, surgery couldn't removed it.
PAUL: That's a good plug for you isn't it. How many parts have you got in this bloody thing.
LADY HIRSUTE: do you still do that trick with the blow gun and the candle?
TIFFANY: Mumma, is there anyone in this empire that you haven't slept with.
LADY HIRSUTE: no, not really
CAPTAIN: No time for chat now....
MIKEY: Jesus Christ!
PAUL: Oh gee, you wrote yourself in didn't you.
CAPTAIN: No time for chat now, everyone as quickly and as quietly as you can, in single file, follow me.
BOSAN [with blocked nose]: Oh, Captain, Captain. I think I have a problem.
CAPTAIN: Shoosh!
BOSAN [with blocked nose]: I'm having difficulty...
CAPTAIN: Shut up.
[blowing nose sound?]
[warring.?. i don't know what goes on from here really!!! ]
No time. run, run.
Oh there is money in this i tell ya.
ALL: Yes indeed run for your lives, and as you do please thank our special guest Julie McCrossin and don't forget to tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seaman and romance.
MIKEY: Bad on so many levels.

Captain Pants - 24 April 1998
ALL: Good Morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
ALL: As you may remember from last week's episode our brave little gang are furiously running towards the canoes with the enraged villages in hot pursuit.
TWINKLE: Oh, for God's sake, I'm nackered, I'm nackered. Look they can't hurt me here, I'm a God.
TIFFANY: But what about us, mother and I are your only family.
LADY HIRSUTE: And after all these years of separation you can't just abandon us
TWINKLE: Easy come, easy go, that's what I say.
CAPTAIN PANTS: Listen to yourself, Man. Could you leave Parson Wind, Bosan Bosan, and me - your old commodore Captain Ba..[made a mistake], Pants..
[laughter]
PAUL: Baa.. Baaa...
CAPTAIN PANTS: ...to suffer a fate worse than death.
TWINKLE: Put a sock in it. Listen people: It is I your beloved God Twinkle.
*ppflit* [blow dart sound effect]
[laughter]
TWINKLE: Did you see that you almost got me with a blow dart. I want my mummy.
LADY HIRSUTE: Come and take refuge in your Mother's ample bosum.
TIFFANY: Oh I think I'm gunna be sick.
BOSAN BOSAN: Quick Captain, through the trees. I spy the beach and the war canoes.
CAPTAIN: Everyone, as fast as you can
ALL: And sure enough, fear driving them on,they reached the beach.
TIFFANY: We need to destroy the rest of the canoes so they can't follow us.
PARSON WIND: If my anthropology studies were anything to go by, these proud wariors,they will not [fart] will not get into any canoe where a man and a woman have layed together.
LADY HIRSUTE: Yeah, suits me fine. Pants, you go first, I'll save the bosan 'til last.
ALL: And sure enough a few minutes later all the canoes had been violated
CAPTAIN PANTS: Right lets go
LADY HIRSUTE: Don't you think we better do it again, just to make sure?
*pffit* [blow dart noise again]
TWINKLE: did you see that, that dam blow gun...what happened to my voice
[laughter]
TWINKLE: ...I must have been shot in the neck. Hey you native, hey, 'scuse me. You could have someones dive eye out with that ass...oh bloody hell i've lost it completely.
[laughter]
TWINKLE: ... Hey you native, you could have someone's eye out with that... dart. Dart.
TIFFANY: Everyone in the canoe and paddle hard.
ALL: And paddle they did until the island was way out of sight.
BOSAN: I'm exhausted. I can paddle no more. Food! Food! I need Food.
TIFFANY: Did anyone pack provisions.
TWINKLE: I'm afraid someone will have to make the supreme sacrifice soon. Sir, how long have we been at sea?
CAPTAIN: About 20 minutes, I think we can wait a bit longer.
ALL: And wait they did.
TWINKLE: Sir, when we did when we weighed (made) that really vary (very) cruel decision [paul stuffing up his line] that not all of us could make it [laughing]
[laughter]
TWINKLE: ...Sir, when did we make that cruel decision that not all of us could make it
PAUL: [sort of in and out of character] Theres no question makes there, is there?
[laughter]
MIKEY: [out of character] Well that doesn't explain you stuffing up the first half of the sentence.
PAUL: [in and out of character] Well, it's you know, it's lower case 's' Sir, there is no beginning, there's no comma, there's no question mark. I'll read it again. I'll try to make sense of it.
MIKEY: [out of character] Ok, go for it.
PAUL: [in and out of character] I'll put in my own grammar. "Sir, when did we make the cruel decision, that not all of us could make it?"
CAPTAIN: Five minutes ago.
LADY HIRSUTE: I say we eat the parson
PARSON: [really long fart]
TIFFANY: Maybe not
BOSAN: Perhaps we may not have to eat anyone. Look, Sir, a ship off the port bow.
CAPTAIN: And it's coming about. It should be along side of us in half an hour.
TWINKLE: Still time enuf to eat one of us sir! [Innuendo perhaps?]
CAPTAIN: Look, no one's eating anyone OK!
TWINKLE: Oh.. [laughter]
MIKEY: Oh, you've got that line right. It's the 'o' and the 'h'. You knew you should run them together!
PAUL: What a great line. What a way to end. That's "Oh" in some of the great plays of the world, you know, "Go bit the soldiers shoot(?)", "Oh"
SANDY: You've lost your character voice
ALL: So it looks like our heros are saved, or are they??? What fresh dangers could await them aboard this rescue ship? To find out, make sure to tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance

Captain Pants - 01 May 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, our brave crew have been almost driven to cannibalism after an hour and a half stranded at sea. But just in time a ship has arrived to save them. We join them now, just as it pulls along side them.
TWINKLE: Look sir, a rope thing thrown over the side.
PARSON WIND: Ahh no, me first. [fart]
CAPTAIN PANTS: You last. I'll go in case of danger.
TWINKLE: [reading the wrong line...] I say Twinkle... [laugh]
TIFFANY: I say Twinkle. Your captain is very brave.
TWINKLE: He's hoping there's food on board.
NARRATOR: And sure enough
CAPTAIN: Quit everyone there's grub a plenty.
TWINKLE: Grub aplenty? Isn't she the port smith drag queen. I haven't seen her since ... oh, right he means food. Goodo. [laugh] Not Goodo of course, which is dog food.
NARRATOR: And so one by one they shimmied up the rope.
LADY HIRSUTE: Look at me I'm not wearing any undergarments.
TIFFANY: Oh leave it out mama
BOSAN BOSAN: Look captain, a giant table, groaning with food.
PARSON WIND: And a place mat for each of us.
BOSAN BOSAN: [sandy laughing because he plays the character voice of both bosan and parson wind] With place mats and silver cutlery
PARSON WIND: And fruit as a centrepiece, and a butterscotch of satan sacrificing a virgin on the back of a goat(?)
TWINKLE: They've done a lovely job on those horns, haven't they.
TIFFANY: But just who has done it, there seems to be no crew about.
CAPTAIN: They are probably down stairs preparing a pudding. Parson Wind, would you like to say grace?
PARSON WIND: For what we are about to receive...
TWINKLE: Oh he's spraying ...
Jen: That's my line.
Mikey: That's tiffany's line
Paul: oh sorry
TIFFANY: Oh he's spraying comes, crumbs everywhere...
Paul: Oh well get it right, if your going to claim the line, get it right.
Jen: I can do it.
TIFFANY: He's spraying crumbs everywhere. Let's eat.
NARRATOR: And how they eat. Gorging their starving bodies until they could eat no more.
CAPTAIN: Ahh. That's better. Twinkle give us a hand at undoing my belt.
TWINKLE: All right sir. Now we're talking. Ahahaha. Oww. That could have had my eye out.
TIFFANY: I wonder what the name of this ship is.
BOSAN: And where are the crew?
CAPTAIN: Young Miss Tiffany, why don't you run forth and see what the name of this fine vessel is.
TIFFANY: It's the SS Vigilance, Captain.
CAPTAIN: It can't be.
TWINKLE: Why not sir?
CAPTAIN: The SS Vigilance was sunk of all hands of the Spanish coast 20 years ago.
Others: [gasping in astonishment]
CAPTAIN: They say a storm came out of right out of nowhere and drowned all souls in the twinkling of an eye. No trace of the ship was ever found. Save but for a burnt bible found clutched, found, i told you it was found. [making mistakes]
Paul: Warning warning danger will robinson!
CAPTAIN: A burnt bible found clutched in a severed hand that washed ashore to a little fishing village just before everyone in that village died mysteriously of plague.
TWINKLE: oh sir, i feel the icy hand of the devil entering me even now, and it's not that pleasant, oh, not one bit. it's not pleasant at all in fact. it's a bit ticklish.
NARRATOR: Oh dear, how our brave little crew been saved by some horrific ghost ship from hell.
Mikey: Yes
NARRATOR: to find out make sure you tune in next week for the next instalment of the continuing salty adventures of captain pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance
Paul: Oh, its wearing a bit thin.

Captain Pants - 08 May 1998
LIVE FROM CANBERRA FOR SCIENCE WEEK
Special Guest Karl Kruszelnicki as the Narrator.
NARRATOR : Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance
PAUL: Shocking
NARRATOR: As you may remember, from last weeks episode, our little band of adventurers have found themselves on board a ship that was supposed to have sunk over 20 years ago. starving, they have whoofed down the food before them, little knowing that supernatural hands have prepared it.
TWINKLE : OHH. I feel a little strange.
[CROWD GOES OFF]
PAUL: Thankyou, feel the power!
CAPTAIN PANTS : I feel a little strange. I feel a little stranger.
BOSAN : Oh that's me. I'm as randy as hell
TIFFANY : Now that you mention it, I could do with a jolly good rogering
[crowd laughs]
JEN: Thankyou for that. My one line
BOSAN: Wow. Come on over. The Parson's giving love lessons. You know, this is my first time. Ohh. Now that'll be my second time.
LADY HIRSUTE : So captain, what is it your keeping under those dam tight jumpers of yours?
CAPTAIN: Well you should know, we had sex two episodes ago
MIKEY: Two characters - one voice
LADY HIRSUTE: oh shut up and come and ride the pony
NARRATOR: And so everybody paired off. hangon. sex between two people is a beautiful thing, but between five, it's fantastic. So everybody fived off for an orgy of roman proportions.
TWINKLE: Oh hang on that leaves me and bosan bosan. now nothing personal bosan, but, your just not my type. a little flabby in the pectoral department.
BOSAN: Oh, that's ok. But look what I brought from the island.
CAPTAIN: It's a monkey wearing a nappy. Oh he seems to like you bosan
BOSAN: Well i didn't mash these bananas into my pants for nothing
SANDY: Yuk!
TWINKLE: Well that's me out in the cold. if anyone wants it i'll be just over here. come on, who wants a kiss? haha oh i stuffed it
PAUL: feel the power though, feel the power!
TWINKLE: come on over here, who wants to kiss twinkle?
[some one in the audience must have put their hand up]
MIKEY: Oh just the one
PAUL: Two freaks down the front here
MIKEY: And eight engineering students by the bar
[some one in the audience yells out "bring back the doug anthony all stars"]
PAUL: [chuckles] Yeah. Bring back your mind. That'd be a good thing. Feel the power! Wearing a polo neck - a big Wiggles fan I see
NARRATOR: And so after 15 mins of furious thrashing, the love making is complete
BOSAN: I finished first
NARRATOR: A great weariness and a spooky mist decended apon the boat.
CAPTAIN: Must .. lie .. down
TIFFANY: Can't .. keep .. eyes .. open. must... sleep
BOSAN: Bosan .. love.. monkey. Monkey.. love.. Bosan???
NARRATOR: Must.. talk.. in .. contrived.. stacato.. voice. Then from below the decks an eerie sound rises through the boards.
[crowd going whooo. spooky sounds.]
TWINKLE: Quick everyone wake up. Feel the power! The unholy dead are rising from their watery graves. And they smell aweful.
CAPTAIN: Quiet Twinkle we all need to sleep
TWINKLE: But Sir, Sir, where about to be entered by the evil dart of satan, and I can assure you that won't be that won't be their first dinner and dancing. I can assure you there wont be dinner and dancing at all.
SANDY: Feel the power!
PAUL: Feel the power!
[crowd does spooky sounds again - poorly]
TWINKLE: Oh what shall I do. Only me to guard against the arbiance of hell. Oh saint preserve us
NARRATOR: Oh yes indeed. Saints preserve them. Just how will our little brave band make out. To find out, tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance

Captain Pants - 15 May 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: "Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance."
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, everyone by Cabin Boy Twinkle had succumbed to a deathly sleep. Now, alone, he must confront the terrifying apparitions that have materialised before him.
Everyone else: oooh (spooky ghost noises)
TWINKLE: Oh, what form of hell is this? What ghastly shadows and demons dance and weave before me? Is it to some deep madness I have sunk or are these ghosts not of my making, but banshees sent from Satan's bosom for to claim me. Sweet merciful God, deliver me from this dread.
GRANDMA: Oh, for Christ's sake, shut up. It is I...
Mikey: (laughing)
Paul: What the hell?
Mikey: It's good.
Jen: It's my new voice.
GRANDMA: I, the spirit of your long dead grandmother who has watched over you for all these years.
TWINKLE: Watched over me?
GRANDMA: Yes, I've seen everything.
TWINKLE: Even that night in the Lisbon tavern with the...
GRANDMA: ...Russian sailors and the yabby pump. Yes! I saw it all, you naughty naughty boy.
[Everyone begins to laugh]
Sandy: You star!
Mikey: You're blushing.
Jen: Hang on, I've forgotten it now.
Paul: Oh Grandma, what a nice voice you have.
GRANDMA: And I come with a warning. Leave this ship now for the one that shall follow me is the destroyer... and he comes to claim the souls of you and all your companions.
TWINKLE: What? The ghost standing next to you?
PLATO: No, I am the ghost of the great philosopher Plato.
TWINKLE: Have you come to my aid in my plight oh wise and noble Plato?
PLATO: No, not really. I'm seeing your grandmother. Lovely woman, and quite sexually active for her age.
GRANDMA: Plato, you saucy old devil. Oh bugger, now I've said his name. I must be away. Be brave Twinkle [Paul laughs] and remember it was pride that brought down Satan. Remember this when you battle for your soul. I pray you now into the mists of time quickly, before the horned one approaches.
PLATO: Look Twinkle, I hope it's OK with me and your grandmother. I mean, just because people get old and die, doesn't mean they don't need company. I mean, if you get my drift.
GRANDMA: Oh, hurry up. The beast approaches.
TWINKLE: No wait, stay grandma, stay grandma, I'm scared, I'm scared. Grandma, please stay.
[sound effect of lightning striking]
SATAN: A-ha, it is time for your reckoning mortal. Bow before the cloven hooves of your evil master.
Paul: I don't know whose voice is better - grandma's or Satan's.
TWINKLE: Alright, alright, I'm bowing, I'm bowing, how's this? I'm bowing, I'm bowing, oh, oh, I'm bowing.
SATAN: Oh, that's better.
TWINKLE: Oh, I'm bowing.
SATAN: I say, Cabin Boy Twinkle. You and your friends will make pretty trophies on the walls of hell.
TWINKLE: Has anyone told you that you sound a lot like Bosan Bosan.
SATAN: Shut up. Satan doesn't have many character voices. [Jen laughs] Satan does, however, have a sporting heart and it is customary that Satan will allow you to duel for your soul and those of your friends.
Sandy: Satan also bad reader.
SATAN: Satan can't say fairer than that.
TWINKLE: I'll tell you something, Satan loves the sound of his own voice, that's what I say...
SATAN: Enough mortal chit chat. Choose your method of combat.
TWINKLE: Gosh, well I say, I've always been rather good at chess.
SATAN: Oh no, pick another. They always choose chess.
TWINKLE: No chess, alright then, oh um let me think about it for a second. I'm quite good at Tiddly Winks...
SATAN: Come on Twinkly.
TWINKLE: Connect Four's always good for me. Oh, let's try table tennis.
SATAN: Table tennis it is.
TWINKLE: Table tennis! Get out the table, get out the bats!
SATAN: Satan has set it up and will play table tennis for your soul. First three over the net, that's the one who serves.
[ping pong sounds]
SATAN: Right, I serve. Satan is going to enjoy this.
[even more ping pong sounds]
NARRATOR: Dear oh dear, what an awful predicament for Cabin Boy Twinkle. Will he beat Satan at table tennis and free his friends from the ghost ship? To find out, tune in next week for the next hellish instalment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: "Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance."
[more ping pong sounds]
Sandy: I love my new character...

Captain Pants - 22 May 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Cabin Boy Twinkle is playing table tennis with Satan, for not only his soul but for those of his friends as well
[Ping, pong, ping, pong - sounds more like a clock though]
TWINKLE: My point, that's 12-9, my serve.
SATAN: No, I think ye is mistaken, the score is 7-13. 'Tis Satan's serve.
TWINKLE: Oh come on now
SATAN: What does thou accuse the lord and master of the underworld of cheating.
TWINKLE: Yes, quite frankly, I do, yes.
SATAN: Oh well, that you very much, my serve
[ping pong sound effect]
TWINKLE: 13-8, your serve
SATAN: 13-7, Satan serves again
TWINKLE: WHAT???
SATAN: Interferance, that seagull was flying way too close. You know twinkle, I rather like you in hell. I think I might keep you handy to use as my spitoon.
TWINKLE: Nothing I havent experienced before. Now SERVE, serve it up
[ping pong sound effect]
[Paul laughing out of character]
Paul: Wow this is exciting
TWINKLE: Cop that, horn features. Couldn't handle my top spin hey
SATAN: Don't make me angry little man
[ping pong sound effect]
Paul: These are the saddest ping pong sounds I've ever heard in my life.
Mikey: Shut up. I'm hurting my mouth
SATAN (forgot about the obvious one): 17-7, nice serving satan
TWINKLE: It's not fair. You blew those balls out of your arse with blasts of hellish fire. Sulphur Sulphur
SATAN: Yes Satan does like to put some pepper on his serves for the big points. [laughing all the way through]
Paul: satan's loosing it i think
Sandman: I know, i know he is
Paul: get back on the horse satan. come on satan, get up, get up satan
Sandman: satans eyes are watering
SATAN: Well now cabin boy twinkle things are looking pretty grim for you and your friends.
TWINKLE: Well i never stood a chance what with you being such a dirty rotten poo-pants cheater.
SATAN: What did you call satan?
TWINKLE: Dirty rotten poo-pants cheater, Dirty rotten poo-pants cheater.
SATAN: That's it
[sound effect of lightning striking - ohhh scary]
TWINKLE: Oh shit
SATAN: Yes that's right mortal(?) satan has grow seven extra arms, each attached to seven giant ping pong bats. Just between you and me, satan is going to piss this in.
TWINKLE: Oh What shall I do?
NARRATOR: At this moment spirit voice of twinkles long dead grandmother appears in his head
TWINKLE'S LONG DEAD GRANDMOTHER: "Remember, pride was his downfall"
Mikey: Hahaha, I love that voice
Paul: It's great isn't it
NARRATOR: And the voice of the great philosopher artistotile
ARISTOTLE: Are you sure it's ok about me shagging your gran?
NARRATOR: but mostly the voice of his grandmother
TWINKLE'S LONG DEAD GRANDMOTHER: "Remember, pride was his downfall"
TWINKLE: Oh, thanks gran. I say, Satan, has anyone ever told you just how shagable you look with all those extra arms.
[some sound effect]
SATAN: What's this, one of Satan's arms has disappeared
TWINKLE: Yes, yes, the extra arms set off your manly horns so well. (this line was read several times before it was said right)
Mikey: Another sound effect supie
Paul: he's out of sound effects ladies and gentlemen. We've fallen over, the whole shows fallen over. I'll do it
[ping pong sound effect!]
SATAN: Stop it mortal
NARRATOR: Well here's one for the books. It appears as if Cabin Boy Twinkle has the upper hand on Satan. But surely the black lord and master has a few tricks up his sleeve.
Sandman: I doubt it
NARRATOR: To find out, turn in next week for more of the continuing salty adventures of captain pants
SINGING: Captain pants, captain pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 29 May 1998

TWINKLE: Oh shit I hope I've done the right thing. Oh Captain, Captain, Wake up everyone please. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
CAPTAIN: I've been asleep for ages.
TIFFANY: Me too. With this uncomfortable rope behind my back.
BOSAN: Hahahahaha. That's not a rope.
TIFFANY: God, you sicken me!
TWINKLE: The most amazing thing has happened. I played Satan at table tennis for your souls and I won. And we get to keep the ghost ship, and further more {laughing a bit} it can travel in time and just, of all the things you could hope for, this is just one of all the things. Just think, I think that word should be, of all the things we could do.
TIFFANY: Have you been into Bosan Bosan's white powder again?
BOSAN: Ah, no. It's all here.
TWINKLE: Has anyone ever told you you sound a lot like Satan?
BOSAN: Back off! I've only got a few character voices!
CAPTAIN: So, Twinkle, you say with this ship we can travel back and forth through time. You know my boy, I've always taken your side - even when you told that whopper about sleep walking into the petting zoo.
TWINKLE: It's true, I tell you! It's true!
TIFFANY: Mother, what do you think?
LADY HIRSUTE: Sounds like a ------ (what?)
[Paul laughing in background]
NARRATOR: So it seems Twinkle has won the day, and banished Satan. Or has he? And just what of the time travelling powers of this ghost ship? Are they for real? And if they are, how will Twinkle convince the rest of the gang to find out. [Everyone laughing in the background] To find out, tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
[still laughing in background]
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance
SANDY: Ah it's getting worse every week
MIKEY: Ah, if it was my dog, I'd kill it.

Captain Pants - 05 June 1998
Jen wrote this episode.
NARRATOR: Good Morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, Twinkle has beaten the Devil and has saved the souls of his friends, as well as gaining control of the ghost ship which is also a time machine. They are now discussing where abouts they should go.
CAPTAIN PANTS: Now, let me get this straight - we can travel anywhere in time just by.. how do we do it?
BOSAN BOSAN: AHh, this rip cord here. [Fart]
CAPTAIN PANTS: That wasn't a rip cord was it?
BOSAN: Arh sorry, i have a little instestinal problem [fart]
TWINKLE: I know a little something about time travel. To go forwards in time we all run to the front of the ship and chant the year we wish to visit. To go backwards we all run to the back..oh is it the back or the front?
CAPTAIN: Well is it the back or the front, then, Twinkle?
TWINKLE: Well its a preference really. Its a personal thing, thanks Pants.
TIFFANY: Let's go forward into the great unknown
LADY HIRSUTE: Lets go back to when i was still young and virginal.
TIFFANY: Even you don't know what year that was, Mumma.
CAPTAIN: I say we go forward in time to Chicago 1925.
TWINKLE: Ahh. A time when Al Capone rules the streets. Alcohol is banned and hundreds of murderers go unpunished by police, courts and government, all of whom are being payed off by gangsters.
BOSAN: How can you know all that? Can you predict the future?
TWINLE: Only when the plot needs it.
CAPTAIN: Chicago 1925 it is.
[running and chanting 1925,1925, ..]
NARRATOR: And suddenly a cold wind blew over the ship
[fart]
BOSAN: Arh sorry.
NARRATOR: ...Whipping up an intense malstrom sucking the ship into a huge whirlpool
CAPTAIN: I'm gunna chuck
TWINKLE: Oh Captain, my Captain..
CAPTAIN: What?
TWINKLE: Oh i never did know what came next
[fart]
BOSAN: Would this be a good time to raise the anchor?
CAPTAIN: Yes, you idiot!
NARRATOR: And with that the ship dissappered into the deep blue abyss where it swirled around a bit, as things do when the enter the space-time continuum.
[weird noise]
NARRATOR: The windy city of chicago.
PAUL: (about sound effect) What the hell was that?
MIKEY: You can die a happy man now, Supie, with that sound effect.
PAUL: Play it again just for the people at home.
NARRATOR: Before reappearing in the windy city of chicago in the year 1925 - and because Chicago is an inland city, a 17th century ship looked kind of out of place. What will happen next to our ragged band of time travellers now? Tune in next week to the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
PAUL: (about sound effect) Has he got it?
[another sound effect]
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 12 JUNE 1998.
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, our brave little crew have decided to take their ghost ship forward in time to Chicago in 1925, for reasons no-one quite understands. We join them now as they spin through the space-time continuum.
ALL: Oooo. Oooooo. Oooooo.
TWINKLE: Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
CAPTAIN: Come on Man, we've been through rougher seas than this. Remember that time we went around the horn together.
TWINKLE: Oh, you mean that rough bar in Madrid? I've still got something attached to my nipple from that night.
CAPTAIN: No! CAPE Horn you idiot.
TIFFANY: I fear though it is very rough Captain, that even now I fear the dreadful rush of my gullet to my throat. [Vomit]
BOSAN: Oh dear, she's hurled on my shoes.
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh well that's me gone. (VOMIT)
BOSAN: Me too (VOMIT)
CAPTAIN: Oh for god's sake people keep yourselves.. (VOMIT)
[Group barfing]
SANDY: (about Mikey) There's an experienced vomiter!
[Mikey & Paul chuckle]
CAPTAIN: Twinkle, will you go below and get a mop and bucket.
TWINKLE: Oh, I'll be right there. I'm the only person here who hasn't lost his cookies and I have to clean it up. Ain't that always the way. I'll tell you something for nothing, (someone chuckling in the background) this is the last time we go through a space time vortex on a full stomach, and furthermore...
[Tiffany pukes]
TIFFANY: Oh sorry, Twinkle.
TWINKLE: That's alright, I never liked these tights anyway.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the future, the criminal Gambino family, headed by Vincent Gambino, with his brother Mad Boy Eddie incharge of assasinations, his cousin Stan 'Fourtestes' Gambino incharge of union racketeering, and sister Francine looking after --- and book-keeping are sitting down for their regular Friday meeting.
[Godfather-like music playing in the background]
VINCE: (in Godfather voice) --- everyone (everyone laughing) Sit down. --------------???, drink some red wine, and do what any other stereotypigulia (stuffed up)
[everyone laughing]
VINCE: And do what any other stereotypical behaviour takes your fancy. So Francine, how does things go in [breaks into laughter]
FRANCINE: In what?
VINCE: in ---- Francine?
FRANCINE: Yeah. Couldn't be better. We got a picture of the mayors son in a hot tub in a salmon (breaks into laughter).
MIKEY: With a salmon not in a salmon. There's a big difference Jen.
PAUL: That's pretty sexy. being in a salmon
FRANCINE: in a salmon
MIKEY: With a salmon
FRANCINE: in a bra and panties
VINCE: This bra and panties of which you speak, are they on the boy or on the salmon?
FRANCINE: both vinny
VINCE: excellent work. (mumbles something) Now eddie how goes things with the elm street gang?
EDDIE: They sleep with the fishes.
VINCE: Ahh. Tone it down boy. So does the mayor's son. Hahahahaha (coughs something up). Just a little organised crime humor. Bring some light into it otherwise. Our hard and dangerous lives are just what... (i can't decipher the rest) So Stan Fourtestes, what have you to report.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
ETC ETC
VINCE: Excellent, we are now poised to take on this whole city
NARRATOR: But just at that moment the ghost ship is passing through the space time vortex...
ALL: SSSHHHHIIITTTT!!!
[crash bang smash sound effects]
TWINKLE: Oh I suppose I'll clean up this as well
NARRATOR: ...causing a phone call to be made
[phone sound effect]
VINCE: Eddie, eddie, fast boy eddie, lightning, son of my son, get that will you.
EDDIE: (answering phone) Ok, uhuh, uhuh, uhuh, uhuh, right, gotcha. Hey Boss, it's old Ben Solve(?) at the speakeasy over on 44th street
VINCE: so what?
EDDIE: he says a pirate ship just landed on the bar killing almost everyone in it.
FRANCINE: just what can this mean?
(laughing)
JEN: (about character voice) I'm workin on it.
VINCE: I'll tell you what it means, i means those dam --- from Miami are trying to muscle in. Ok Eddie, Stan, you get a couple of the boys with some ---- and sort this out. It looks like we're going to go to the matresses.
NARRATOR: Ooh. That sounds cosy. But not for our little brave crew. What will happen to them hundreds of years into the future and in the middle of a gang land war.
VINCE: (mumbling in the background.) I want another capaccino.
NARRATOR: .. to find out tune in next time for more of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 3 JULY 1998
The Anniversary of One Year of the Pants
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from our previous episode our brave time-travellers have landed in 1920's Chicago right on top of a speakeasy owned by Vincent Gambino, the most notorious gangster in all of the American Mid-west - a fact they are soon to discover. Let us join them now as they survey the damage they have caused.
CAPTAIN: Is everyone O.K.?
PARSON WIND: No, I've got dreadful internal injuries. I think I'm not long for this world. I think.. [really long fart]. Oh, that's better. I'm fine now, Captain.
CAPTAIN: Twinkle?
TWINKLE: I've landed on a telescope.
CAPTAIN: That's not a telescope.
TWINKLE: Oh, sorry Captain, no offense meant. [moan, pop, pop] Oh, two header. But Bosan-Bosan seems to be in a dreadful mess. He's face down in that vat of beer
BOSAN: Don't help me. [drunk] I.. I.. I've had a couple. I'll be alright. Does anyone.. ahh..want me to see... wants to see me do the Elephant dance?
TIFFANY: No we don't. And where's Mumma?
LADY HIRSUTE: Over here darling. I'm hanging from the chandeleir. Oh, so many happy memories. Your father used to have an aparatus a little like this you know.
TIFFANY: Yes, yes... so Twinkle. What do you think of America? Well Bosan stinks of beer, the Captain and I have had an embarrasing accident, the priest just farted, and mumma is swinging from a chandeleir minus her knickers - I feel right at home.
CAPTAIN: It appears as if we have landed in some sort of tavern. I suppose we should find the local constable and try and make ourselves welcome.
NARRATOR: But little did they know that a welcoming committee is already speeding to them. And a very dangerous one at that. Vincent Gambino having heard of the ship landing on his speakeasy, is convinced it is the work of a rival crime family, and is even now plotting their deaths. In the car, which he shares with his sister, francine; his brother, Madboy Eddie; and the even more dangerous Stan "Four Testes" Gambino.
[some dodgy "Speakeasy" music]
MIKEY: Ahh, that'd be gangster music!
VINCE: OK Eddie, have you got the tommy gun?
EDDIE: Yeah boss. We're going to give those ---- a message they aren't ever going to forget.
MIKEY: What the hell was that?
VINCE: So, my cousin Stan, you have devised a plan so that our friends from the newspaper will not cover this story? and our friends at City Hall will not prosecute us.
STAN: Ahh, mumble mumble mumble...
[dodgy "speakeasy" music fades off]
EDDIE: He's a clever bastard. Hey Francine, ain't he a clever bastard.
FRANCINE: Oh yeah, he's a clever bastard.
VINCE: And Francine.... (starts laughing...)
PAUL: [out of character] I can't read it!
VINCE: ... that dam piano.
FRANCINE: Yeah allright.
PAUL: See that bit. See that bit 'my piano stops' - that's where it should have stopped. That's where it should have stopped.
FRANCINE: Yeah sorry. I stopped too soon
MIKEY: It's you're line.
VINCE: Right, while where here, I say we listen to what they have to say then blast 'em.
EDDIE: Why don't we just blast 'em?
VINCE: Oh Eddie, I don't know whether to hug ya, or to hit ya. We pretend to come in friendship, so as to find out their plans...
PAUL: This is a long one!
VINCE:...then we send them home in there funerial suits. Remember that fox that sleeps in the hen house? Eats more sausage than the ---------. Hey ----, it's me, your old fiend.
MIKEY: Friend
PAUL: Yeah it's spelt incorrectly though.
VINCE: Vincent Gambino, why-for-you-land this 18th Century sailing vessel, why-for-you.. why-for-you-land..
MIKEY: Why-For-You-Land
VINCE: Why-for-you-land this 18th Century sailing vessel on my bar?
PAUL: I deserve a clap after that one.
CAPTAIN: Ahoy Colonial! I am Captain Pants and this is my crew.
EDDIE: Captain Pants? What the hell is a Captain Pants?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Good thinking Stan. It would seem that the -----'s have sent us a strange group of assassins. I say we sit and talk a while.
LADY HIRSUTE: Look at me, I'm wearing no undies.
VINCE: But we don't sit under the chandeleir.
STAN: [indecipherable]
[everyone laughs]
NARRATOR: well it seems our crew has a reprieve, but for how long? To find out..
[dodgy "speakeasy" music starts up again]
MIKEY: Ahh. The piano's back!
NARRATOR: ... tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 10 July 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, our brave little gang of time travellers have been mistaken for a gang of assassins by Vincent Gambino, and his crime family. Unaware of this, they are now sitting down to eat with the Gambino family.
VINCE: So, what did you say your name was, again?
CAPTAIN PANTS: Pants, Captain Pants, and this is Cabin Boy Twinkle, and Parson Wind..
[Parson Wind farts]
CAPTAIN: .. Tiffany and Lady Hirsute, as well as Bosan-Bosan. And you are, my dear colonial friend?
VINCE: Firstly, I ain't your damm colonial anything. And don't play stupid with me.
TWINKLE: I can assure you, my Captain does not play at being stupid.
FRANCINE: [Thinking to herself] My god but that Twinkle is beautiful.
TWINKLE: [thinking to himself] What an angel she is.
VINCE: You know..
PAUL: You've over done it with me this morning, haven't you? {because he does the voice of Vince and Twinkle}
BOSAN: Vince, put the foot down mate.
VINCE: You know very well who I am. And I know that you were sent by the Daglia(?) family to wipe out my speakeasy and move in on my smoov turf.
LADY HIRSUTE: Ohh what's a turf?
MIKEY: Gees I've done it my self [same person doing character voices in a row]
EDDIE: Oh, gee, good boss, she's real good. What do you think Stan?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Hahahaha, Yes Stan.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Very funny
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: My friend here says that we should kill one of you, and keep killing, until someone around here tells the truth. I say we kill the old lady.
TIFFANY: I'm comfortable with that.
LADY HIRSUTE: Tiffany!
TIFFANY: Well you're old and you don't smell so good anymore.
VINCE: I see we're up against people who play hardball. Alright, we kill the priest
[Parson Wind farts]
SANDY: Got a lot of anus's
PARSON: I can live with that.
VINCE: My god, an old lady and a priest. I like you people, you don't let your heart rule your head. You are like fox with an old car but a new trailer. Very wise.
[Someone says What?.]
VINCE: We'll kill the one you call 'Cabin Boy Twinkle'
FRANCINE: NO!
VINCE: Francine, Francine, never tell anyone else and the family what you are thinking (Not sure if I got that right). Particularly if what you are thinking involves twins and ten litres of vanilla icecream!
FRANCINE: No, Vincent remember you have to appear before the senate committee of Organised crime next week. This is not the time for more bloodshed.
VINCE: Stan, my consolary (?), what is your opinion.
STAN: [indecipherable of course]
VINCE: Very wise. OK, here's the deal. You all live, but your lives belong to me.
ALL: Yay!
VINCE: But you owe me a bran' new bar.
TWINKLE: Well..
PAUL: God is anyone else working here?
TWINKLE: What we say we open up this ship here as a tavern. I mean everyone loves a theme bar. We could call it, I don't know, the Twinkle Spot - the hottest spot in town. Twinkle, Twinkle.
CAPTAIN: Twinkle, have you ever ran a bar before?
TWINKLE: Well, it can't be that hard. Oh it is hard. Noo it's not, no it can't be that hard.
VINCE: ...
PAUL: [laughing] I want to say a really dirty word at you at the moment [to Mikey for writting him into the play so much!]
VINCE: Well that's the spirit, and to keep you in-line, Francine here will stay on and give you a hand.
FRANCINE: [thinking to herself] Oh, a chance to be near him.
TWINKLE: [thinking to himself] I wonder what she looks like naked
EDDIE: Hey boss, you sure this is a wise thing?
VINCE: I always keep my friends close, and my enemies closer. So Pants, you wait around the bar. Twinkle boy, you work the floor. The priest and the guy with no nipples works the kegs
BOSAN: Thanks.
VINCE: Hey shut up. And the doll and Francine, smooz the customers.
LADY HIRSUTE: What about me, doesn't anyone have an opening for me?
NARRATOR: And on that particularly tasteful thought,..
MIKEY: What?
[scrunching up the script]
PAUL: Your a bastard
MIKEY: Oww!
NARRATOR: .. we leave this episode, but be sure to tune in next week to see if our friends can survive the powder cake world of running a Chicago speakeasy. Or will Vincent put them all in an early ... grave.
MIKEY: Oh sorry, I left the g off there. Put them in an early rave! [techno beats]
NARRATOR: Don't miss next week's installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.


Captain Pants - 17 July 1998
NARRATOR: Good Morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, A Tale of Seamen and Romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode our brave time-travellers have been told by the Gambino crime syndicate that they have to make the ship into a profitable speakeasy or else they will face death at the hot end of a tommy gun. It is the day of the opening night and they are getting things in order for the grand opening night of the Twinkle Spot.
TWINKLE: Oh, how exciting, I wonder how many people come to my opening.
TIFFANY: Well it usually draws quite a crowd. Ma, What are you doing?
LADY HIRSUTE: It says in this magazine that the latest rage is the flapper look so I'm lifting my dress so everyone can see my ...
TIFFANY: Please lower it will you
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh all right.
CAPTAIN: Well done everyone, this place is looking like a tavern. Now as soon as Parson Wind and Bosan-bosan get back with the grog, we'll be all set.
TWINKLE: I hope they bring some Kaluah. I'm going to invent a new cocktail with Kaluah and Rum and Coke, and I think I'll call it mmmmm umm The Brown Twinkle, after me. Can't you imagine Captain coming here after a hard day doing whatever it is these 20th century people do, you come to our bar, into a Brown Twinkle. Sounds scrummy doesn't it.
CAPTAIN: Oh yes I do believe that does sound scrummy.
TWINKLE: I think I'll put some crunchy stuff on top of it.
CAPTAIN: Good, now here come Bosan-bosan now. So lads, what sort of grog were you able to purchase in these strange modern emporiums?
[Parson wind farts]
BOSAN: It seems to have this bizarre thing called prohibition and all they can get is something called moonshine and bathtub gin but we couldn't find any of that.
TWINKLE: Oh no, if we don't open the bar, Vince Gambino said he would make us sleep with the fishes. And I don't want to sleep with the fishes. Please, don't make me sleep with the fishes. Oh god, not the fish.
CAPTAIN: Oh no, what's to become of us.
NARRATOR: What indeed, for even as we contemplate this horrible fate, Vincent Gambino is holding a councel of war.
VINCE: So Eddie, did you do as I asked?
EDDIE: Yeah boss, I told all our suppliers of moonshine and bathtub gin not to sell to Captain fancypants.
VINCE: Very good Eddie. Your like the small lizard with a new waistcoat - you are proud, yet you have good reason. So Stan, what next?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Very good. We go along tonight, and if they have no moonshine or bathtub gin, we kill them like we said we would. And if they do by some chance have these things of which I speak, then they must have attained them from the Taglia(?) family and..
FRANCINE: And what Vince?
VINCE: Then we kill them. Either way, they don't look like they're going to be having such a good night.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at the ship, everyone is worried.
PAUL: Suprise suprise, It's me again!
TWINKLE: I can't sleep with the fishes, I don't really know any fishes, I bet that their fins are so rough and scaly and my skin will be damaged, I'm like a peach, I'm like an Alabasta peach
[slap]
TWINKLE: Oww. Thank you Captain, I needed that.
CAPTAIN: We've all got to think.
TIFFANY: Oh, Captain. I think we'll be alright. Come here. Look down this hole. The ship's supplies of rum are enough for us to go through a week or two, and look there's beer as well.
CAPTAIN: Oh very good. But don't these colonials like their beer with bubbles in it?
TWINKLE: Were doomed I tell you, doomed. Its fishes..
[slap]
TWINKLE: Oww. Will you stop doing that.
PARSON WIND: Leave that flat beer to me. Now run a rubber hose down into the keg and pass the other end of it to me.
[fart]
ALL: Hooray!
TIFFANY: My god, look at the head on that!
NARRATOR: Well, it seems everything may be alright for now. But what else does Vincent Gambino have planned? To find out, tune in next week for the next exciting installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, captain pants, a tale of seaman and romance.
MIKEY: Oh our secret shame.
JEN: Not so secret unfortunately.

Captain Pants - 24 July 1998
(Paul is sick)
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener, and welcome to this weeks episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seaman and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, it is just before opening time at the brand new speakeasy, The Twinkle Spot, and cabin boy Twinkle has been attacked with a serious case of hostess' stomach.
CAPTAIN: My god man, are you alright?
TWINKLE: [vomiting]
CAPTAIN: Oh, Charming, right over my brand new shoes. And you've been eating seafood, you know that makes your throat close up. That's your whole night ruined.
TWINKLE: [vomiting]
TIFFANY: Now mumma, are you sure about your duties for tonight?
LADY HIRSUTE: Well I thought I might concentrate on this new 20th century phenomenon known as lap dancing. Apparently men stuff money into my g-string, and I reckon these old grundies of mine could hold quite a bit of loose change.
TIFFANY: I think they already are.
CAPTAIN: Parson Wind, how goes everything?
PARSON: Oh gosh, I've almost aerated all the beer. [fart] Oh there, that should do it.
CAPTAIN: Now we need someone to test it.
TWINKLE: [vomiting]
BOSAN: Get it all up
TWINKLE: [vomiting]
BOSAN: That's the boy
CAPTAIN: No Twinkle, you stay in the bathroom. Bosan-bosan, you test the beer.
BOSAN: Ohh, why me? Can't someone else test this farty beer?
PARSON: Oh, I've put a lot of effort into that beer.
BOSAN: Put a lot of wind into it more like..
PARSON: Ahh, you take that back.
BOSAN: Or what?
PARSON: I'll give you such a chinese burn that..
BOSAN: Ohhhh. You want a piece of me..
MIKEY: Oh, well done.
[everyone clapping]
MIKEY: Changing the character and back again (?)
JEN: Lovely work.
TIFFANY: For god's sake, just drink the bloody beer.
BOSAN: [Sip] Not bad, [Sip] strong head, [Sip] fruity aroma, a cleansing taste with a slightly sweet hop aftertaste. [tipsy] It's not bad, I'll just give it another little test. [large sip]
NARRATOR: And so, after a few more tests..
BOSAN: [drunk & singing] "Sing Us a sOng YoUre tHe pIanO maN, sInG uS a SOnG toNight, We'RE all IN thE mOOd foR a MElodY, And YOU've goT uS fEEling AllrIGHt.." [sip] I love Billy Joel.
LADY HIRSUTE: He's shitfaced, give me a slug.
CAPTAIN: No, we must stay on top of things, the Gambino's will be here soon and if they don't go, and if things don't go, if things don't go to plan..
SANDY: [mumbles something]
MIKEY: Shutup
CAPTAIN: .. and if things don't go to plan they'll kill us all.
NARRATOR: And what of the Gambino's. Even now they are parked around the corner, and as Vincent and Eddie are loading the guns in the boot, Francine takes some time to have a quiet chat with Stan "Four Testes" Gambino about her true feelings.
FRANCINE: Stan, do you ever crave for a life other than constant crime?
STAN: [indecipherable, of course]
FRANCINE: Really, a newsagent, who'd have figured? You know it's not that I don't love you and all my brother, but recently, I've had feelings for another.
STAN: [indecipherable]
FRANCINE: So you noticed my longing for Cabin Boy Twinkle.
STAN: [indecipherable]
FRANCINE: I thought that too, but I think he's just a bit effeminate. What shall I do - I never go against the family. Oh, look at the size of the crowd gathering. See, Twinkle was right, everyone loves a theme bar, and this pirate ship speakeasy thing is really gunna work. Oh what a shame, this may be the night that he dies.
STAN: [indecipherable]
[Mikey and Jen burst into laughter]
NARRATOR: Too true, too true Stan.
STAN: [indecipherable]
[Mikey & Jen laughing again]
NARRATOR: This may well be his final night on earth. To find out, tune in next week for the next instalment, live from Newcastle University, of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 31 July 1998
Live from Newcastle University
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, the Gambino family are waiting to rub out Captain Pants and his crew if they have bought alcohol from a rival family, and also kill them if they have not provided any booze at all. What shall they do when they discover that our little crew has used beer aerated by Parson Wind to ply the crowd that have gathered.
CAPTAIN: Men and women of Chicago, I give you the new owner of the hottest bar in town. Everybody join me now and give Cabin Boy Twinkle a big hand.
[crowd cheers]
TWINKE: Oh thank you. There's nothing I like better than a big hand on my opening. To get the night off to a big start.. Welcome everyone to the Twinkle Spot, and I can't believe just how many people we've crammed in to the spot tonight.
[crowd cheers]
TWINKLE: Thank you, thank you. I'd like to thank my crew and my new friends the Gambino's, particularly Francine Gambino [grrrrrrrr] who makes the room even more beautiful with her presence.
FRANCINE: Oh, how sweet. No one has ever said something so lovely to me. It makes me as randy as hell.
CAPTAIN: Oh, I say.. everyone raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the Twinkle spot.
ALL: 'To the Twinkle Spot'
CAPTAIN: So, Vincent, care to join me in a cleansing ale?
VINCE: It would give me pleasure Captain Pants. Mmm.. A nice drop of beer. Although I might say, a little glassy.
MIKEY: Gasy. You idiot.
VINCE: Gasy.
PAUL: Well what's the L doing there?
PARSON: I take that as a compliment.
FRANCINE: It is a little gasy.
VINCE: Stan, try this beer. What do you think?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Too true. So Captain Pants, did you get this beer locally?
CAPTAIN: Let's just say it comes from a very special source.
VINCE: Yes, a Taglia source. Stan, get my tommy gun.
FRANCINE: This ain't Taglia beer. Taglia beer doesn't have this many tiny bubbles.
PARSON: Oh, that's what makes it special.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in another part of the room, Francine and Twinkle are getting to know each other better.
JEN: Oh god.
[crowd laughs]
PAUL: I was looking forward to it.
JEN: No, so am I.
TWINKLE: Really, tell me more.
FRANCINE: Well, once you've covered the fire extinguisher with butter, you...
LADY HIRSUTE: Hello everybody, I'm as pissed as a newt.
[crowd goes off]
TWINKLE: Yes, of course you are Mumma. Francine, do go on - Whisper it in my ear..
[whisper whisper whisper]
TWINKLE: Oh god. That's brought tears to my eyes.
NARRATOR: As everyone drinks more of the beer, I begins to have a very strange effect...
FRANCINE: I say, this beer does make you feel a little bloated.
[fart]
CAPTAIN: Well, beer always does.
[fart]
CAPTAIN: What a ripper.
VINCE: What do you make of this?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: You are very wise, like an elephant that owns a snow board, you choose when the winter suits you to build your BARN?!?
[crowd laughs]
MIKEY: I don't know.
SANDY: That's shithouse mate.
VINCE: I suspect sabotage. If anyone else lets fluffy off the chain I swear, I'm gunna want some answers.
NARRATOR: And just then, all two thousand people in the bar felt their stomachs having the same reaction.
[everyone farts]
VINCE: That's it Captain Fancypants. And you and all your crew. We're going to a hideout to get to the BOTTOM of this.
[crowd moans at the pun]
NARRATOR: Oh dear, it looks grim for our brave little crew. Will they become undone, all due to Parson Winds over-productive back passage? To find out, tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 14 August 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance
NARRATOR: As you may remember from the last instalment, the opening night of the Twinkle Spot turned into chaos when the Gambino family discovered the beer was aerated by Parson Wind's back passage.
[fart] With murder on their mind and methane in the air, what will happen to our crew?
CAPTAIN: Nobody light a match.
VINCE: Ok. This little shin-dig is over. Everybody get out. Everybody except you in the puffy shorts and eye patches. I knew there was something funny about you lot.
TIFFANY: And this guys a Mafia boss? Even I can see people don't tuck their pantaloons into their boots around here.
VINCE: You come into my job(?), you fart into my beer, and you make a fool of me infront of Newcastle undergraduates. Oh! For this you must all die. I'm really sorry about that, but according to Mafia rules, the Gambino's must seek revenge and pump you full of lead. So if you just line up that will make it a lot easier. Taa, thanks very much.
PAUL: No way.. oh god.. the cross over he's fallen..
TWINKLE: No way.. isn't that a bit harsh?
FRANCINE: Yeah.. isn't that a bit servere?
VINCE: Is it.. I don't know.. Stan, is mowing them down in a hale of bullets a bit strong?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN AND VINCE: [chuckle]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Stan, ...
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: ... You are wise like the mongoose that chooses cotton over polyester when it's eye sight begins to fail.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: No, shooting is perfectly ok. So in a line please stand.. he's a crap shooter. Hahaha..crap.. shooter..geddit?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Stan? You geddit?
TIFFANY: Can we have a group hug before we all die?
ALL: Huh?
VINCE: Stan?
STAN: [indecipherable]
MIKEY: Oh for god sake!
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: You are like a sage, my friend.. Ok hug if you must.
NARRATOR: Our scared and confused time travellers hug awkwardly as Tiffany reveals a plan to rescue them from almost certain death - depending on Stan's accuracy.
TIFFANY; We can escape this if we time travel back to the islands.
PAUL: Oh No!
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh. I'd love to go to Ireland.. oh yes that lordy of the dancy with the tight trousers and the ribbon in his hair.. oh wolfank!
BOSAN: Wolfank?
TWINKLE: What's a wolfank?
LADY HIRSUTE: When two people love each other very much.. Wolfank..backstage after one of his shows.. Wolfank.
TIFFANY: No, no, no .. Mumma not Ireland.. the island.. the ireland that we came from.
BOSAN: I love potatoes. I hear they have spuds in Ireland.
CAPTAIN: We're about to die and you want to talk about River dancing and root vegetables?
TWINKLE: Oh.. I'm very partial to a taty myself.. chips ... scollaps.. mash.. Oh don't get me started.. mash love a mash.
TIFFANY: Island, ireland.. not the island..No, no you've confused me now.. the island.
CAPTAIN: Ireland it is .. a great plan. How do we do this again?
PARSON: Well, we run to the back end of the ship [fart] Ahh. I needed to get that out.. Yell Ireland, Ireland, Ireland... I can already smell that shetland pie.. oh that's me.
NARRATOR: And then.. with the Gambino's in hot pursuit, our crew run to the end of the ship, yelling at the top of their voices. But wait.. don't they have to choose a year to travel to?
ALL: 1848, 1848, 1848
MIKEY: Very arbitratry
NARRATOR: And with that the ship begins to swirl and faster and faster and faster until everyone becomes a blur, day becomes night, light becomes dark, the scared become queesy and the killers get confused and then.. it stops.
[crash bang smash sound effect]
[Irish music]
NARRATOR: The familiar sights and sounds of Chicago have been replaced and our intrepid travellers are confronted with a nasty shock.
[talking in Irish accents]
PADDY (voice by Paul): Hoity Hoity Hoity! I'd really be wanting a bag of chips now, I do I do!
SEAN (voice by Mikey): To be sure, to be sure, Paddy, cept it's all pretty hard there, I had to put mashed dirt on my shepards pie last night. To be sure it just wasn't the same.
PADDY: Oh Good Lordy there Jesus! What's a spanish gallion doing in your front yard, Sean?
SEAN: Oh to be sure, to be sure, I don't bloody know! Could there be pirates and gansters throwing up on my potato patch?
PADDY: Gerry! Gerry! They've got your brother! Hey Sean, that could only help it! A bit of vomit on your potato patch isn't a bad thing.
SEAN: In the name of the far-der!
PADDY: Least you've got some carrots with your 'tatas now.
NARRATOR: What will happen now to our crew? They have escaped the Chicago but not the Gambino's. When they stop heaving onto Sean's pathetic potato patch..
[vomitting]
SEAN: You'll be stopping that now will you
NARRATOR: .. will the mobsters still be in the mood to murder? Or will they unite in their adversity? To find out tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
MIKEY: Nice irish work.

Captain Pants - 21 August 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, our brave little crew, along with the Gambino family have been transported to Ireland, right in the middle of the dreaded potato famine. We join them now as they survey the damage.
CAPTAIN: Is everyone OK?
BOSAN: Aye, aye sir
CAPTAIN: Tiffany and Lady Hirsute?
TIFFANY: I'm fine
LADY HIRSUTE: But I seem to have landed on this dam telescope again.
BOSAN: I'll get you off it.
LADY HIRSUTE: I'm allright.. take your time.
CAPTAIN: Parson Wind?
PARSON WIND: [fart]
CAPTAIN: I'll take that as a present. Jolly good, but where's Twinkle?
FRANCINE: And my brother Vincent.
SANDY: On holidays in Europe, the lazy bastard!
MIKEY: Shut up Sandy.
CAPTAIN: There seems to be no sign of them. Stan?
STAN: [indecipherable]
FRANCINE: Oh yeah Stan, that seems to be right. Stan seems to think they might be trapped in a space-time vortex.
STAN: [indecipherable]
CAPTAIN: Fair enough
SANDY: Trapped in a 5 star hotel more like, the lazy bastard!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in the village, Sean and Paddy have gone back to their sister Morag's house for dinner.
MORAG: Ahh curse this dam potato famine. What shall I serve my hard working brothers who have been in the peat bogs all day? Oh what if Mumma was still alive, but unfortunately, what with this dam potato famine, we were forced to eat her last week.
PADDY: And nice she was too, in a white sauce.
SEAN: To be sure, to be sure, to be sure. She would have wanted it that way.
MORAG: Now wipe your feet into this peat bog. We're having mud stew for dinner.
Paddy: Curse this potato famine.
MORAG: Curse it.
SEAN: To be sure, to be sure, to be sure, to be sure. I remember the old days when we had all the spuds in the world. Our Dard (Dad) built our house outta nuthin but potatoes. It'd still be standing today if that head wave hadn't have baked it right through. Ahh, but what a night we had. I never saw me another butter so big, and chives, chives enough to make your eyes water. He was a great man our farder (father).
MORAG: And he tasted great in a pot roast.
SEAN: Curse this potato famine
PADDY: Curse it.
MORAG: Curse it. So boys, how are things in the peat bog today?
SEAN: To be sure, to be sure, to be sure. We got a wee bit peckish so we were forced to eat the peat.
MORAG: You were forced to eat the peat?
SEAN: We had to eat the peat.
MORAG: Oh no! How could you eat the peat. We were s'posed to buy potatoes with it.
SEAN: We had to eat the peat - we were hungry. Curse this potato.
MORAG: [slap] I curse the day I was given brothers as stupid as you.
SANDY: That hurt.
PADDY: We saw a 17th Century sailing ship appear out of nowhere and land in the field. And then the heel off me shoe broke so I ate that as well. Curse this potato famine.
SEAN: Curse it, curse it, curse it.
MORAG: A sailing ship landing in a field you say. Sounds to me like the work of those devil banchees. I better go and see what Father O'Kamal has to say about this! And while I'm gone, don't eat any of the furniture.
SEAN: To be sure, this potato famine is the worst ting (thing) we've ever come across..
MORAG: Oh shut up.
SEAN: Tank (thank) you very much.
NARRATOR: Oh dear, it seems like more trouble ahead for our brave crew. And just where are Twinkle and Stan? (I do believe that should be Twinkle and Vincent Gambino) Are they lost in a space time vortex?
SANDY: Lazy bastard!
NARRATOR: And just who is the mysterious Father O'Kamal? To find out, tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 28 August 1998
Special Guest: H.G. Nelson as the voice of Father O'Kamal
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, our brave little crew, minus Vincent and Twinkle, who are trapped in a space-time continuum.
SANDY: Trapped in a 5 star resort getting it's arse waxed more like it.
NARRATOR: Shut up Sandy. Where was I? Oh yes. Having have arrived in Shawn and Patty's peat bog in the middle of Ireland during the potato famine. We join them now as Tiffany is explaining the concept of time and travel to Francine.
FRANCINE: So let me get this straight, Satan..
TIFFANY: The horned one, the beast, call him what you will..
FRANCINE: Yeah right, challenged Twinkle to a game of table tennis..
TIFFANY: For our souls..
FRANCINE: And twinkle won. And as a prize this ship can travel through..
TIFFANY: Space and time
FRANCINE: Bullshit
TIFFANY: [Jen still in Francine's character voice] It's not bullshit.
JEN: Oh!
MIKEY: Oh she stumbled on the last fence.
JEN: Dam
TIFFANY: It's not bullshit you scrag.
FRANCINE: Who are you calling a scrag, little miss high and mighty. I'll scratch your goddam eyes out.
BOSAN: Oh. the girls are going to have a fight.
CAPTAIN: Everyone, just settle down a bit
PARSON WIND: [fart] Can't they fight just a little bit?
CAPTAIN: Look Francine, she tells the truth, and this time I would say we've landed in Ireland, and a rough landing it was too.
BOSAN: Oh, we better get Lady Hirsute off that telescope that she's landed on!
LADY HIRSUTE: Oh, I'm fine. Just give me a minute will you. Woo.. get a magazine. Mind you though.. I could do with a bite to eat.
CAPTAIN: Parson wind, you're in charge of provisions, what do we have in stores?
PARSON: [fart]
SANDY: Got two anuses
PARSON: Nothing but 300 weight of potatoes, Capitani. I'm afraid spuds give me the most awful wind [fart]
TIFFANY: What doesn't? Oh well, looks like potatoes for tea. Let's start a fire and get baking.
FRANCINE: Get a load of Miss Bossy boots.
TIFFANY: Watch it
BOSAN: Oh dear god, please let them fight.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in the village, Sean and Paddy's sister, Morag, has heard the news about the ship landing in the peat bog, [starts laughing] has gone around to Father O'Kamal's house fearing that...
MIKEY: Have you been drinking?
SANDY: He smells of liquor.
NARRATOR: ... our time travellers may be the hateful banshees.
MORAG: Father O'Kamal, what to do now.
SEAN: He'll know what to do.
MORAG: Yes, he will, indeed he'll know what to do, he's been a great comfort to us since the start of the potato famine.
ALL: Curse this potato famine!
MORAG: Thank you villagers. Oh what a pias and devout man he is.
MIKEY: Is there any accent you can't do? You're the middle steam of Triple J.
JEN: [in irish accent] there's not many accents I can't do.
MORAG: And he's not just a little attractive, in a holy way of course, Oh Morag - those sinful thoughts.
SEAN: Loose them
MORAG: He's a man of God and is such not tempted in the ways of the flesh.
JEN: Turn the page.
NARRATOR: No indeed. He is a saintly man..
MIKEY: He has been drinking.
NARRATOR: ... even now he is bent on what seems to be prayer in a darkened room of his house, hunched over his most prized possession.
HG: Can I say before I start, I don't do accents.
FATHER O'KAMAL: [character voice by HG Nelson] There you are, the last potato in the village, look at you, look at you, you little hussy, I know what you want me to do, you want me to put you in an over, don't you, and then when your piping hot, when your piping hot you'll be wanting to be covered in butter and placed in a dark and secret place you little Gesabel of a root vegetable - can I say that again - A Gesabel of a RRRROOOOOOOOOOOTTT vegetable. Youuuu.. oh the spirit is weakening but the seduction is strong.
[knock at the door]
MORAG: Father O'Kamal - It's only me, Morag.
O'KAMAL: Come in my child. I'll be putting away you now you temptress. Oh that's better. Now Morag, what can I be doing for you?
MORAG: Well, Shawn and Patty came home from the peat bog today and, [sniffing] and anyway they told me about a most amazing apparition [sniff, sniff] Father, Father can you smell what I can smell?
O'KAMAL: Yes, I can smell me child potatoes roasting, hundreds of them. Quick you organize the village into a bloody thirty mob. I'll go and get me rosaries.
NARRATOR: Oh, a blood-thirsty mob. I don't like the sound of that. It seems like our brave little gang are in trouble. What will happen next? To find our, be sure to tune in to the next episode, which will come to you live from Queensland University, of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 04 September 1998
Live from Brisbane (UQ)
Special guest: Adam Spencer as Satan
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode, Father O'Kamal has gone off to whip the villagers into a blood thirsty mob so that they can take the potatoes away from our brave little travellers. Unaware of this, they are having troubles of their own.
CAPTAIN: Now look here everyone, I don't mean to alarm you but I don't think the fact that Twinkle and Stan (should be Vincent) are missing is no coincidence.
SANDY: Oh well.. der.
MIKEY: Shut up Sandy
CAPTAIN: No I think that our old enemy Satan is trying to pick us off one by one.
SATAN: (character voice by Adam Spencer) [demonic laugh] nnhhhhaaahhaaahhaa..
CAPTAIN: Parson Wind, was that you?
PARSON WIND: Umm.. no sir. I usually make this noise [does a 10 second fart]
SANDY: Adn doesn't he make it a lot.
TIFFANY: Gosh, I hope they're alright.
FRANCINE: Me too.. I think I love Twinkle.
TIFFANY: I love him too.. as a brother.
FRANCINE: Well I love him in a more pants off, bum up, thrashing kind of way.
TIFFANY: You're not good enough for him.
FRANCINE: That's it. I'm going to scratch her eyes out.
BOSAN: Oh dear god, please let them fight. I've been at sea so long. Oh please, please let them fight.
CAPTAIN: Everyone calm down. And Lady Hirsute, I'm certain it's time someone gave you a hand off that telescope.
LADY HIRSUTE: Look, you play your games and I'll play mine.
SATAN: [more demonic laughter and lots of it] nnhaahaahaahaa nnhaahaahaa nnhaahaahaa nnhaahaahaa.. etc. ... nhaa... ha... ha.. ohh.
CAPTAIN: If I didn't know better I'd say that was the icy laugh of satan, mocking us from another dimension.
BOSAN: Gees you talk shit sometimes. Are those potatoes ready? I'ma starvin.
NARRATOR: Yes, speaking of potatoes, what about Father O'Kamal? What has he done to whip the villagers up into a blood thirsty mod? Has he done it yet?
FATHER O'KAMAL: Oh people of the Loch Cock. What do you want more than anything?
VILLAGERS (CROWD): [yelling] POTATOES!
O'KAMAL: I can't hear you.
VILLAGERS: [yelling] POTATOES!
O'KAMAL: Yes that be right. Beautiful, sexy potatoes that you rub all over your body.. dripping with butter and sliding into every nook and cranny... oh such a squishy delight.
MORAG: Oh my god.. the father's a pervy.
SEAN: Mind you though.. it's getting me a wee bit randy. I'd be up for something right now if I wasn't so tired from dis (this) potato famine.
VILLAGERS: CURSE THIS POTATO FAMINE!
SEAN: Yes indeed curse it.
O'KAMAL: but smell what's on the wind.
PARSON WIND: [fart] oh sorry.
O'KAMAL: No, not that.. the other smell. Potatoes. That's right. Potatoes that strangers, foreigners have. People coming into our country and taking our potatoes! Can you PLEASE EXPLAIN that to me! I say we rise up as a blood thirsty mob and kill them all - or we could just control the balance of power in the senate - but a mob, that's far more fun for you and me. Are you with me?
VILLAGERS: Yes!
NARRATOR: Oh dear. It looks like shit on a stick for our brave little crew. How will they survive? To find out tune in in two weeks time for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, captain pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 25 September 1998

NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week, our crew is trying to make good it's escape, but, in doing so, they have woken up Ivan and Father O'Kamal, who are leading an attack on the ship. Even now the peasants are preparing to attack.
PAUL: That was so good, Jen. That was the best narration ever. Round of applause..
[applause]
PAUL: Better than the old guy who normally does it.
MIKEY: [To Paul] It's you.
TWINKLE: Oh, we're done for, oh they look mean, look at them, oh no!
TIFFANY: I think we've really upset them by turning half of their potatoes into vodka.
CAPTAIN: Well they seem to be about to mount..
TWINKLE: Oh, that sounds saucy.
CAPTAIN: .. some sort of attack.
TWINKLE: Oh.
CAPTAIN: Normally, with all my military training we'd be fine, but we've only got these potatoes to defend ourselves, and no cannon.
VINCE: Keep you pantyhose on, Fancy Pants.
CAPTAIN: I'll have you know that these are tights.
VINCE: Not from where I'm standing they're not, boy. You may have one hell of a gut, but my friend, you have no arse. No arse at all. Haha.
TWINKLE: What shall we do? What shall we do?
VINCE: Stan, we can just throw..
MIKEY: We CAN'T
JEN: Can't we?
VINCE: [reading cautiously] Stan.. we.. can't.. just.. throw potatoes at them. We need to improvise some sort of cannon. What do you think?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable] [breaks out into laughter]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Stan, you are wise like mongoose that devours the cobra, yet waits half an hour before going swimming. Hey Pants, do you think you could get the Parson to bend over?
PARSON: Well, it's normally not a problem, but why?
TIFFANY: I think I see where this is heading. I'll go and get a ramrod.
PARSON: Oh dear!
FRANCINE: I'll get the potatoes.
LADY HIRSUTE: I'll get the funnel
CAPTAIN: I'll get the flamming torch.
TWINKLE: I'll get the spandex shorts
BOSAN: Ahh, this is going to be fun.
PARSON: [Fart] Oh, I just hope I can hold off.
NARRATOR: And sure enough, when the peasants attacked...
CAPTAIN: Peasants off the starboard bow. Hold stead. FIRE!
[Bang]
ALL: Argh.
VINCE: Hahaha. Reload.
PARSON: Oh no. Was afraid you were going to say that. Could I have my pants back?
CAPTAIN: Peasants off the port bow.
TWINKLE: Quick, swing him round, swing him round.
TIFFANY: Don't point that thing at me.
CAPTAIN: To the left 10 degrees. Hold steady. FIRE!
[bang]
ALL: Argh.
CAPTAIN: That seems to have scattered them.
BOSAN: You'd think the survivors would be fighting over the left overs.
TWINKLE: Not after where they've been.
[Pause]
[Sandy and Paul laugh]
PARSON: Aww, oh dear, I think I need a [fart] oh dear, I think I need a good [fart] Oh god. I think I need a [fart] I think I need a good lie down.
CAPTAIN: No time for that old man. It's time to get the whole time travelling thing happening again, and head this ship home to jolly old England.
VINCE: Hey! Not so fast, Fancy Pants. Don't you mean Chicago?
CAPTAIN: No, I mean England.
VINCE: Hey, don't make me reload the Parson.
PARSON: Oh dear god no.
NARRATOR: Oh dear, it seems just.. just as victory was in sight.
MIKEY: The other guy wouldn't have done that.
NARRATOR: Old divisions are rearing their heads. What will become of our brave little crew? To find out, tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 06 November 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, our brave little crew have defeated the peasants but are now busy arguing over whether to take the ship back to swinging Chicago, or merry old England.
PAUL: Yeah, we can remember. You probably can't.
VINCE: Now look here, Captain Fancy Pants, Don't make me angry or I might just make you an offer you can't refuse.
CAPTAIN: What the hell does that mean?
VINCE: I don't really know, but it won't be pretty. Stan, you tell them what we do to people who stand in our way.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
etc...
TWINKLE: What the hell did he say?
BOSAN: I think it was something about filling a stocking with custard and whipping our buttocks with a wet tea towel.
TWINKLE: Oh, rather like the sound of that.
FRANCINE: I want to go back to the bright lights of Chicago.
TIFFANY: I want to go back to the spires and churches of England.
SANDY: [about character voices of Francine, Tiffany (both Jen)] Oh, such a difference
FRANCINE: Cop a load of the virgin queen.
TIFFANY: Look, I've just about had you, you strumpet.
FRANCINE: Come here. I'll scratch your eyes out.
GUYS: Screg! Screg! Screg! Screg!
BOSAN: Oh dear god, please let them fight.
CAPTAIN: Now everyone, stop it. This is my ship and I say we go to England.
VINCE: Yeah, if it's your ship, just how did you come to own it?
TWINKLE: I won it in a table tennis match from Satan.. with Satan.. with Satan?? I won it in a table tennis match with Satan.
MIKEY: [about Twinkle's character voice] 'I don't like it, never did'
TIFFANY: With who?
TWINKLE: You know, Satan, the horn-ed one, the Beast, The Dark Lord, Mr Scratch, The bloody Devil, Satan, Satan, SATAN SATAN SATAN.
TIFFANY: Is it a good thing to say Satan's name three times in a row?
[thunder sound fx]
CAPTAIN: I don't think so.
BOSAN: Oh dear. Oh I think.. I'm being entered by the spirit of the dark one
TWINKLE: Oh what's it like?
BOSAN: Oh.. well.. it.. it hurst a bit a first but.. argh.. arrgghh.. ohhh.. ohhh.. ahhh.. ohh.. come in... argh.. ohhh.. ohohoh.
SINGING: You can ring my beeeeeelll, ring my bell.
BOSAN: Yes.. yesss.. yesssss [As satan] The transformation is complete. His body is my vessel.
TIFFANY: It's amazing how much the devil sounds like Bosan Bosan.
TWINKLE: Yes, I've noticed that before. So, Satan, my nemesis, come to do battle with me again?
SATAN: You foolish man. Satan let you win that table tennis match. Do you honestly think that Satan would be beaten by a puuny little mortal like you? Satan is the master of all your service.
VINCE: I say Satan is a little up himself.
SATAN: Be quiet Vincent.
VINCE: He knows my name.
SATAN: Satan knows all.
TWINKLE: Satan's a wanka. Wanka. You're a wanka Satan. So, what's it to be this time? Cribbage? Dominoes? Hungry hungry hippos? Oh I love them.
SATAN: Shut up. You still don't get it, do you, you mortal? Satan let you take this ship because Satan needed to see it work. Satan needs it. He NEEDS it bad. And a crew for a special voyage.
TIFFANY: Oh, I hope he means to jolly old England.
SATAN: A voyage to the end of time and the universe, where the final battle between good and evil can begin.
TIFFANY: Oh Shit!
NARRATOR: Shit indeed! Having survived all of their adventures, how will our crew survive as Satan's unwitting crew in the battle between good and evil? To find out, make sure you tune in next week for the next installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, captain pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 13 November 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, Satan has returned and taken control of the ship. He plans to use it to set sail to the end of the universe for the final battle between good and evil. But what do our crew think of this wicked plan?
LADY HIRSUTE: This sounds like fun, I love a good battle.
VINCE: We could make some money on this. Stan, what odds could we get on good defending evil in the final battle for the souls of mankind?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Odds on favourite is what?
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
etc
VINCE: Ok, let's bet ten thousand on good. With the points spread we could just clean up.
SATAN: You dare to bet against Satan? Satan never loses. Satan is the all supreme being, Satan is.
TWINKLE: It's really starting to give me the shits. Hey Satan, remember what happened the last time you took on the forces of good.
SATAN: Satan was banished to the pits of hell.
TWINKLE: Vince, Vince. Put me down for 300 on good to win.
SATAN: Look little man, would you like Satan to turn you into a toad?
TWINKLE: I've got the feeling you're an only child. Are you an only child, Satan?
SATAN: Oh, maybe.
CAPTAIN: I thought as much. Satan is starved of attention.
LADY HIRSUTE: I think he just needs a big hug. Come here you horny little devil. Oh up and down ...
[moaning and stuff]
SATAN: Satan want the old lady to get off him now. Get off old lady. Get off. Your zipper is pressing into me. Satan is very tense. Satan is..
CAPTAIN: frightened of intamacy. Come on now, we all have our cross to bare
SATAN: Satan does not share Satan's emotions. Satan wants to destroy all the good in the world.
TWINKLE: I can see someone who has some unresolved ..
[Sandman coughing his lungs out in the background]
MIKEY: Satan has got a mouth full of flem.
SANDY: Satan has chest cough.
PAUL: You're doing that to ruin my next line.
SANDY: Satan ruins everything.
TWINKLE: I can see someone who has some unresolved conflict with his father.
LADY HIRSUTE: Can I hug him again?
[thunder]
SATAN: Enough of this nonsense. We hoist the main sail and sail to the edge of the universe before I kill you all.
TWINKLE: Oh, and I really thought we were just making some progress. Oh well, ANCHORS AWAY.
CAPTAIN: Vince, do you really think we can allow this to happen?
VINCE: I know you think of me as a ruthless gangster. I know I have blood on my hands, and my elbows, and the spot behind my knees, but not even I ever expected to be at a leave with the devil. Stan, how do you see these matters unfolding?
MIKEY: Oh, not again.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Oh Stan, Stan, Stan. You are wise like a cat in a nappy. But not just any nappy. We must stay close by Satan for it is always best to keep you friends close, and your enemies even closer.
CAPTAIN: What does that mean?
VINCE: I don't know, please don't tell anyone.
SATAN: Captain Pants, set the sails for full speed and steer a course for the end of the universe. Satan is sent into battle.
TWINKLE: You know, I always thought that the universe was infinate, and as such we really wouldn't, you know, wouldn't have an edge would it, to speak of.
SATAN: SATAN SAYS BE BLOODY SILENT.
[thunder]
TWINKLE: Oh I wish he'd stop doing that, it's giving me such a headache.
NARRATOR: And so, our brave little crew set sail for what they do not know. How will they survive? To find out, tune in next week for the next adventure in the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, captain pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 20 November 1998
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener, and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, our brave little crew are having second thoughts about helping Satan in the final battle between good and evil.
CAPTAIN: Cabin Boy Twinkle, can I see you on the poop deck?
TWINKLE: Oh gee, that's a funny name for a deck. Wonder why they call it that.
PARSON WIND: [fart] Apparently it has something to do with the lack of ammenities aboard the ship.
TWINKLE: Oh trust you to know. Oh Captain, I haven't had this much fun since the last time we went round the horn.
CAPTAIN: Yes, it's good to be sailing again.
TWINKLE: Who said anything about sailing? [laugh] Oh god I'm wicked. Somebody spank me. No really.. someone please spank me.
CAPTAIN: Twinkle, take the wheel and steady as she goes. Now Tiffany and Lady Hirsute, come over here.
TIFFANY: What is it Captain?
CAPTAIN: Have you noticed anything strange about Satan?
TIFFANY: Apart from the fact that he sounds eriely like Bosan Bosan?
SATAN: I heard that.
LADY HIRSUTE: Is it the fact that he constantly refers to himself in the third person?
CAPTAIN: Yes, it's as if..
[everyone laughing]
MIKEY: Look at that hey.
PAUL: Look at those two different characters.
CAPTAIN: It's as if he's frightened of pronouns.
VINCE: Stan has a theory on that.
TIFFANY: I was afraid he might.
[pause]
JEN: It's me again.
PAUL: Oh he's getting tricky with the writing this morning.
FRANCINE: Just let him speak princess.
TIFFANY: That's it. I've had it with you, you cheap hussy.
FRANCINE: Get ready for you teeth to say hello to your arsehole.
GUYS: Scrag! Scrag! Scrag! Scrag! Scrag! Scrag! Scrag!
BOSAN: God, please let them fight.
MIKEY: [Laughing] That came from the heart.
CAPTAIN: Well Stan, what is your theory.
MIKEY: Here we go.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: [indecipherable]
etc.
TWINKLE: Oh that's great help.
VINCE: [slightly buggered character voice]
PAUL: Haha, I've done it as well now.
VINCE: Now, Stan is wise like the bear who rotates his tyres. He feels that Satan is covering up his deep seated insecurities with the bluster of self eulogising.
SATAN: Is that what Sa.. Stan thinks?
[laughing]
[someone doing some noise in the background]
SATAN: [very hard to decipher but i think it is this!] Well Satan thinks that Stan should keep his ideas to himself unless he wants Satan to turn his testicles into watermelons.
VINCE: Too late for that. Stan, show him.
[zip]
TIFFANY: My god, that's amazing.
STAN: [indecipherable]
VINCE: Stan says thanks very much.
[someone doing some noise in the background again]
SATAN: Even mighty Satan is impressed. Now, Captain Pants, are we making good time for the edge of the universe? [laughing]
JEN: Satan's suposed to be evil.
SATAN: Satan does... what's that noise? What is that noise? Think Satan needs poo. Satan does not want to be late for Satan's final battle between gooood and eviiil.
CAPTAIN: According to my calculations we should be there on schedule.
SATAN: Satan is pleeased. [indecipherable next bit]
MIKEY: Someone get a stick.
SATAN: [still fairly indecipherable] Mutany (?) will make Satan very angry. Satan can not be held responsible for Satan's temper.
TWINKLE: Sir! Sir! Ship off the starboard bow. What a ship it is.
CAPTAIN: My god it's made of solid gold with a thousand angels fanning the sails with their wings. And who's that behind the wheel. A wise man in a cheap tupee.
SATAN: Oh great, god's turned himself into Ray Martin again. Now you want to talk insecurity. Satan does not need such -----(??). Sataaaaaaaaan is secure in his own identity.
MIKEY : Satan is really riding it.
TWINKLE: It's coming about, Sir. What shall I do?
NARRATOR: Yes Cabin Boy Twinkle, what will you do? To find out, tune in to the next exciting installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captian pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captian Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

Captain Pants - 27 November 1998
[Jen narrates]
NARRATOR: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last week's episode, our crew, having been kidnapped by Satan, are about to battle with God, who looks remarkably like Ray Martin.
SATAN: Satan says bring the ship about. All hands on deck. Man the cannon. Satan loves the constant thrust of battle (?) ---- [didn't catch a whole bit there] Oh Satan using topical humour. Satan is on fire.
MIKEY: Satan free-forming.
CAPTAIN: Look he's holding an olive branch as a peace offering and he's flying a white flag.
TWINKLE: Oh and he's got a choir of angels singing 'Give peace a chance'
TIFFANY: I think he wants reconciliation.
SATAN: Satan knows nothing of reconciliation. Satan has no olive branch. Satan has a pistol. [bang] Satan banged an angel. Satan is going to enjoy this.
PARSON WIND: Oh.. [fart] As a man of the cloth I must protest.
TWINKLE: Oh, and as a well-hung smooth chested atheist, I must protest as well.
FRANCINE: [in Tiffany voice] I didn't know you had a packed lunch.
MIKEY: That's supposed to be an American accent.
FRANCINE: [now in an American accent] Oh sorry.
JEN: You want me to do it again?
MIKEY: Yeah.
PAUL: Cos I've got to have the lead in line or all this means nothing.
MIKEY: Go back to well-hung.
PAUL: Ok
JEN: Where did the music go?
PAUL: Haha we ran out of tape again.
TWINKLE: As a well-hung smooth-chested I must protest.
FRANCINE: [American accent] I didn't know you had a packed lunch.
TWINKLE: Well there's only one episode left, I had to mention it sometime.
[degenerates into chaos for a bit here]
TIFFANY: Look, God's releasing a white dove of peace.
PAUL: A white dove of peace?
[bang]
PAUL: Awww..
JEN: I new this would happen.
SATAN: Oh.. Satan's gun clogged. But Satan has got his eye in today (?). Satan says everyone to their battle stations.
CAPTAIN: Look here, I'm Captain and...
[pause.. then after a while][Bang]
Paul: Don't worry about it Supie, it's fine.
TIFFANY: Oh my god, what just happened then?
TWINKLE: Oh my god, he's dropped Captain Pants. PANTS.. OH CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN.. WHERE DID HE GET YOU?
CAPTAIN: I'm all right.. it's only a flesh wound!!!
TWINKLE: Oh let's face it.. there's plenty of flesh to hit.
SATAN: Says
[everyone laughs]
MIKEY: Satan says
PAUL: Haha there's a Satan there.
MIKEY: Shut up.
SATAN: Satan says move or I shoot the old lady.
[pause]
JEN: I've lost my place. Is that me?
FRANCINE: Go ahead, I never liked her.
[pause]
PAUL: It's you again.
TIFFANY: That's my mother you heartless scrag.
BOSAN: Oh dear God, please let them fight.
SATAN: Alright, then Satan will kill you all. Starting with the old fat lady.
VINCE: Stan, what do you think?
STAN: [indecipherable]
[BANG - Stan is shot]
STAN: [indecipherable]
SATAN: Satan can never understand a word that stupid man was saying.
VINCE: You killed my brother. You killed my brother.
PAUL: Is that flaring out for anyone else?
VINCE: You killed my brother. That's it.. if no one's going to do anything it's up to me then. Out of the way. I'm taking the wheel.
CAPTAIN: What are you doing?
PAUL: I don't know.
[everyone laughing]
VINCE: I'm setting a course for the heart of the sun. I'm going to kill everyone. Satan too. It's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. And that Satan is pure evil.
SATAN: Well DER! [laughing] Satan kills gag. Satan is pure eeeevil. That's what Satan does. Now Satan will ---- you all. Hang on a minute... Satan's power don't seem to be working.
TIFFANY: Look, Stan's angel has wrapped Satan in a golden lasso.
CAPTAIN: I thought only wonder woman could do that.
TWINKLE: Oh this is getting very weird.
VINCE: Set the controls for the heart of the sun.
CAPTAIN: We're going to make the supreme sacrifice.
TWINKLE: I think we should get changed into something special.
NARRATOR: Yes, let's do that.. in fact everyone get changed into something special for next weeks final episode in the soon to be not continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.

The final episode of Captain Pants - 04 December 1998
NARRATOR: Good Morning gentle listener and welcome to this weeks episode - the final ever episode - of the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, a tale of seamen and romance.
Paul: Told you it'd work better with the boy's choir.
NARRATOR: As you may remember from last weeks episode..
Mikey: No!
NARRATOR: ... Vince, enraged that Satan has killed his brother Stan, has grabbed the ships wheel and is now steering a course for the heart of the sun. All of our brave little crew have decided that they shall give their lives rather than see Satan win the final battle between good and evil. We join them as they prepare to make the supreme sacrifice.
TWINKLE: Oh God, I think I've soiled my britches.
CAPTAIN: 'Tis a far far better thing we do than we have ever done. 'Tis a far far better sleep we go to.
VINCE: Ohh Shuddup Captain Fancy Pants...
Paul: That was shithouse wasn't it.
Mikey: Yeah!
Jen: Give it another go.
VINCE: Oh Shuddup...
Paul: Is that right?
Mikey: That was better.
VINCE: Oh Shuddup Captain Fancy Pants and help me with the wheel. This ship is breaking up.
TIFFANY: We're getting closer to the heart of the sun. God, it's so hot. I can feel my mascara running.
TWINKLE: That's not all I can feel running. Permission to go below and change my britches.
CAPTAIN: Permission denied. Here, help us at the wheel. I don't think I can hold it together much longer.
SATAN: Satan commands you to release...
Mikey: You idiot.
SATAN: ... Satan from these golden ropes that have robbed Satan of all his Satanic powers.
VINCE: Not while the ghost of my brother Stan has you in his sights. Stan, have you got him covered?
STAN: [Indecipherable]
Jen: You brought Stan back?
Mikey: yeah I was bad.
Jen: He died last week!
STAN: [Indecipherable]
VINCE: [Indecipherable]
STAN: [Indecipherable]
VINCE: [Indecipherable]
STAN: [Indecipherable]
SATAN: Satan killed that character last week. Ohhh.. Satan is having a SHIT OF A MILLENNIUM.
CAPTAIN: We're just about to crash into the head of the sun. If anyone has anything to say, for godsake now's the time to say it.
TIFFANY: I love you Mumma.
LADY HIRSUTE: And I love you Parson Wind.
PARSON WIND: [FART] Ahh.. what?
LADY HIRSUTE: He's got a nice swimmers chest. Mind you I'm a bit fond of Boson Boson too. He's got a swimmers chest as well. And right now I'd probably give the Captain a serve as well.
BOSON: Parson wind, I know we've had our differences, but, I love you.. in as much as one man can love another man. Come here and give me a huge fart.
PARSON: [Fart]
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
Sandy: Oh sorry. Give me a *HUG*. Oh FART's a stage direction.
Mikey Yeah! Fart's a stage direction.
Paul: Do you want to do that one just once more, just the last few lines there?
BOSON: Come here and give me a [laughing] [FART] Oh dear I knew that was a mistake.
Mikey: Yes.
VINCE: I love you my little Francine.
FRANCINE: Thanks.. but I also love Tiffany.
TIFFANY: And I love you, Francine.
BOSON: I knew it all along.
VINCE: And I...
SATAN: Ohh Satan is getting little tired of all these displays of emotion.
Paul: This is so much more embarrassing when people are standing around watching.
Mikey: Can everyone just turn and face the wall?
VINCE: I was just about to say I love the Ghost of My Dead Brother Stan.
STAN: [Indecipherable]
VINCE: Oh yes Stan.
STAN: [Indecipherable]
VINCE: I love ya. I love ya Stan.
STAN: [Indecipherable]
VINCE: [Indecipherable] Stan, you are wise like the eel who will not pay extra for tailored pants.
TWINKLE: And I love you Captain Pants. I *LOVE* you Captain Pants. Pantsie I love ya! Pantsie Pants I love ya Pants!
CAPTAIN: And I love you Cabin Boy Twinkle.
TWINKLE: No I mean I've always loved you Captain Pants, always loved you.
CAPTAIN: Come here then
[KISS]
TWINKLE: Ohhhhh..
[More kissing]
SATAN: Doesn't anyone have a kiss for Satan?
[everyone laughing]
SATAN: Oh Satan has always been starved of affection. Satan feels as if Satan is going to cry. Satan feels as if Satan is about to CRASH THE SHIP INTO THE HEART OF THE SUN! Shhhhiiiiiiitttt!
[crash, bang]
NARRATOR: And so we say goodbye..
Mikey: Yay!
NARRATOR: ... to our brave little crew.
Mikey: Thank Christ!
NARRATOR: They have given their lives so that the future generations can live in a world free from the evil presence of Satan.
SATAN: Satan not really dead!
[everyone laughing]
TWINKLE: I'm ok as well!
CAPTAIN: I've never been better!
PARSON: [fart]
NARRATOR: Farewell one and all for this was the last chapter in the no longer continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
SINGING: CAPTAIN PANTS, CAPTAIN PANTS, A TALE OF SEAMEN AND ROMANCE.