Peter Helliar's humour fires faster than the opening beach scene in Saving Private Ryan. Currently he's best enjoyed by all and sundry as his alter ego, Peter Helliar PI, on Triple J's Merrick and Rosso Drive Time. When he's not putting the panache back into private investigation, Helliar does stand-up comedy.

I went to the Comedy Club when I was 15 and saw Greg Fleet and thought comedy sounded like a pretty cool thing to do. That's when I thought everyone was making lots of money [laughs ironically].

I don't have a clue, to be honest. It's observational, but I hate saying that because it has almost become a cliche.

Yeah, they can be. There is a new generation of young comics in Australia and it's a little more hip than it was, so maybe comedy is the new rock & roll in that regard.

Give me my own show called The Helliar Report. No actually just Helliar.

The sad thing is when a tragedy happens like Princess Diana's death, every comedian was thinking, "OK, I'll use something from that in my next gig." The first night it happened it would have been too risky. But two weeks later everyone was doing stuff. You can always find an angle for humour no matter how bad something seems.

No, there has to be a talent there. There are people who are funny in bars and at parties who just can't be funny on stage. There is no real formula. It can't be taught.

Playing big, beautiful theatres on a big stage with audiences who come to see me and buy my merchandise, available in the foyer.

It's exciting, as people are realising there is a booming industry in comedy. I think Australian humour is coming out on top.

A man in a balaclava walks into a bank and says, "This is a fuck up". And the teller says, "Don't you mean a hold up?" "No," he says, "I forgot my gun."

Published in Juice Magazine June 1999

1. DESCRIBE YOURSELF AND YOUR WORK IN 20 WORDS.

Describing yourself and what you do is always a tricky thing to do. I guess it's the discomfort of self analysis that makes it this way, oh my word limit is up. Sorry...

2. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE FUNNY?

. I have an official certificate from comic genius Scott Baio that proves that I am funny. It hangs on my wall next to the dogs playing poker and I look at that certificate everyday to remind myself that not only do I think I'm funny but Scott Baio does as well.

3. DO YOU DO COMEDY FOR LOVE OR MONEY?
. I do it for the love of money.

4. HOW DO YOU PREFER YOUR AUDIENCES?

I prefer my audience to be five foot four, seated neatly, dressed casually and appreciative of the fine work of Scott Baio.

5. DOES IT HURT WHEN THEY DON'T LAUGH? WHERE?

No, it hurts them when they don't laugh. I have electrodes connected to the testicles of every audience member which are set-off by silence. So laughter must be constant. The women are given testicles on arrival, actually they are not real testicles they're a couple of kiwi fruit in a pouch made out of kangaroo scrotum. It's terribly realistic. Six out of ten men can't tell the difference. Of course, ladies, we do need the testicles to be returned. We hire them on a night to night basis and the roos need their scrotums back.

6. IS SEXUAL INNUENDO LOSING ITS APPEAL OR IS YOUR WORK BECOMING MORE CRASS TO GET LAUGHS?

. I don't do alot of sexual innuendo. I have a joke about wee and another about wanking. The only reason i have a wanking joke is because it is illegal not to. It helps when you're performing in Broken Hill to be able to pull out a good wanking joke

7. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Obviously Scott Baio is up there. I would have to say when I see people scratching their heads. There is something embarrassing about somebody standing by themself scratching their head. I don't know why but it just makes me laugh

8. SO, WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

I have thought about this long and hard and I believe there are three possibilities.
a. The chicken saw Scott Baio scratching his head.
b. The chicken saw a scrotum-less kangaroo
c. The chicken was dumb f*ck on acid

9. PLEASE FINISH THIS SENTENCE: "ADELAIDE, CITY OF........"

Adelaide City of Adelaide. That should be the town's motto. It should be on all the number plates. you should definitely use the fact that you are the only city of Adelaide in Australia to your advantage. It would be the best marketing strategy since the five cent refundable bottles.

10. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ADELAIDE AUDIENCES TO REMEMBER YOU?
As a man who gave all for his country. Someone who may one day be compared with the great Scott Baio. Remember me drunk, remember me happy, remember me standing, remember me falling, remember me joking. Just don't remember me scratching my head.

"ATTITUDE" Magazine Autumn 2000 No. 26

STAYING HOME
with stand-up comedian and Rove Live cast member PETER HELLIAR

Q. What is the first thing you do when you get home?
A. I throw the keys down and watch some TV for a couple of hours. I might play with my dog - a border collie named Cosmo - or take him for a walk. It's purely relaxation.

Q. What would be your ideal night at home?
A. I'm obsessed with DVDx xo when I get the chance for a night in, which only seems to only happen once or twice a week, I tend to either watch the movie or the audio commentary because I'm interested in what the director has to say.

Q. What type of movies do you watch?
A. Anything. Commercial, action films, a lot of foreign language cinema. I tend to follow directors more so than actors because you know what to expect.

Q. What is compulsory viewing at your home?
A. The Simpsons when I catch it. Any Collingwool replays, and of course replays of Rove Live. I see if i get a few laughs. If I do then I enjoy the rest of the show.

Q. What else do you do with your time at home?
A. I often do laps of the house, opening and shutting cupboards. The fridge also receives this treatment.

Q. Do you write your material at home?
A. If I'm in the mood I'll start writing on my laptop. Ideas for stand-up or TV. In my job you never knock-off work because you can never ignore the possibility of a gag. I carry a notebook with me everywhere.

Q. Do you cook?
A. I do a very good stir-fry, but that's about it. They're easy, you just whack it all in and that suits my style. There's less degree for error. You just top it off with some Canton sauce and away you go.

Q. What kitchen appliance can't you live without?
A. The toaster. I'm mad for a piece of toast. Sometimes it's also dinner, sadly, with strawberry jam.

Peter Helliar appears on Rove Live at 9:30pm Tusedaus on Channel 10.

MX 14/6