-A guide to eating at family restaurants and burger chains.

Multi national companies making gazillions of dollars a year, sometimes more! Are we powerless to stop them? ‘Ken oath we are! As if I or anyone else could be stuffed trying to take on those giants, its all a bit too much like work. But are we going to stand by and do nothing? Shit no! Are we going to make a half-assed and insignificant attempt to disrupt the people at the very bottom of the corporate mountain? Are we going to make the jobs of the underpaid and over-qualified staff who would rather be doing something else with their lives a whole lot harder purely for the sake of our own enjoyment? Damn right my fellow revolutionaries! So grow a beard (optional), burn your bra (optional) and take to the family restaurant armed not with weapons but with something far more dangerous in the hands of an Australian: misinformation!

Often the first port of call for people. Here’s an opportunity to do some really stupid things. If you are the sort of person who sometimes shies away from a challenge but is still eager to make a dickhead of themselves. Then this one is for you! Can I suggest taking as long as you possibly can at the order window, repeating your order back to yourself, then asking them to repeat the order that you just repeated to them, and as soon as they finish promptly cancel your rather large order and just order a softdrink instead! Proceed to the food service window as instructed, bearing in mind that the roads are already a dangerous place, and that noone likes a hero and that it’s not a race! So take your time and even stall the car a few times before you get there. You can never be too careful when it comes to road safety! Repeat this several times until you are happy with the result. Practice makes perfect!

Over the counter ordering:

This is for the more advanced dickhead. If you are unsure about yourself in this position just return to the drive thru and practice a bit longer until you’ve built up confidence. This is not unlike the drive thru, except that you are confined to the store and are in view the whole time. Use this to your advantage. Make ridiculously large physical gestures when ordering. Use every part of you body to describe the type of meal you wish to purchase. It’s a little harder to waste a person’s time when they are in front of you, so instead of inquiring about the price or quantity of an order, waste their time by inquiring about the ‘specials’ that they have on at the moment. Always ask about any toys or figurines that they have on offer. Inform the staff that ‘buying a figurine is a rather large decision to make’ and ask for a demonstration of the toy first before you make a purchase. During the demonstration ask the staff member to put a little more into it and look a little more enthusiastic about the product they are selling. If, for example, the toy is a car, then ask for them to put it on the ground in front of you and play with it, accompanying the actions with the appropriate sound effects. Once satisfied with the demonstration, thank them and say ‘Thanks, but I think I’m a little too old for toys’. Once you have made your selection from the menu, ask them if you can make a small change to the order and ask for certain ingredients to be replaced by other items until you have completely deconstructed your meal and have replaced it with ingredients identical to another menu item. When the staff member asks if you would just like the other item get upset and ask to see the manager.