Written by Diane Schlichting

Copyright October 29, 1997

(Thanks to Michele for the idea)

Sully and Michaela rode alongside each other whenever the trail allowed. They spoke occasionally, but mostly they simply enjoyed the bright autumn day and being alone with one another after such a long time of separation.

It had been months since Sully had lived at the homestead and weeks since his late night appearance there. Shortly after that he had gone with Cloud Dancing to escort a group of Indians to another reservation. Michaela had ridden up to ride back with him. She needed to be with him, needed to say so many things and she knew that she could not wait any longer. So, she had left Katie with Brian and Matthew and ridden up to the reservation to meet her husband.

For the last two days they had ridden with others and only today, after the mid-day meal, had they parted company and continued on alone. Michaela was biding her time, waiting for the right time to speak to Sully, to tell him of the pain in her heart; the news of their lost child, a child he hadn't even known existed. Where to start? She wondered to herself. Just how do you begin such a conversation? She didn't know and so they rode on in silence.

Late in the afternoon, Sully stopped on a ridge, pointing to the sky. The clouds had gathered quickly and the sun had long since disappeared. The darkened clouds were promising weather, what kind, they didn't know.

"Looks like we're gonna get wet," he observed. "Do you want to stop?"

Michaela looked up at the dark clouds and then at Sully. She shook her head. "No. Let's keep on until we get off this ridge. Maybe it will hold off."

Sully acknowledged her decision with a nod and urged his horse on. They continued on their way without speaking. It wasn't half an hour later when the first flurries of snow began to fall. Michaela looked up with surprise and delight.

"I thought it would be rain. I'm glad it's snow, but isn't it a little early?"

"Yup. Looks like it might get bad, though. Look over there," he pointed to the north where the trees were nearly invisible in the falling whiteness. "We'd better get a move on."

Urging their horses on, they hurried toward home, but the weather was much faster than them. The snow began coming down faster, swirling about them and turning everything white very quickly. It was a very short time indeed before their visibility was nil.

Michaela pulled up alongside her husband. "Maybe we should stop, put up the tent."

"No," Sully replied. "A tent isn't enough shelter. This is going to be a blizzard. We need to find something sturdier than a tent. Wasn't there an old cabin out this way?"

"I don't remember. Sully, it's getting very cold. We need to hurry."

"Come on, this way." Sully led the way down the hill, through the swirling white. The wind was bitter cold, the temperature had dropped below zero in the last hour. It was indeed a blizzard that had come upon them and they were in trouble. They needed to find shelter fast, before they succumbed to exposure.

Michaela's horse plodded along behind Sully's. She was not aware of her surroundings, only focused on Sully's back just ahead of her. She was terrified of losing sight of him in the blizzard. Suddenly, her horse stopped, tossing his head. She looked up. There was a cabin, or rather a small shack.

"Come on. Let's get inside." Sully yelled, dismounting and coming back to help her down.

"What about the horses?" Michaela asked.

Sully looked about frantically. There was a small overhang at the side of the shack. It was slightly protected from the wind. "Here. We'll tie the horses here. That will protect them some from the wind at least. Hurry inside."

Sully tied up the horses while Michaela went to the door. She tried to open it and found that it wouldn't budge. Sully came and gave it a mighty kick that sent the door flying open and banging against the wall. He hurried inside while Michaela followed, trying to secure the door behind her.

The shack was small, a single room with a fireplace, a stool and a rotten old blanket. Although they were out of the howling wind and blowing snow, it was bitterly cold in the small shack. The board on the walls where not very even and there were gaps everywhere that let in the cold air.

"We should build a fire," Michaela said, spurring Sully into action. He disappeared outside again to gather some wood while Michaela examined the old blanket and opened up the door to a small cupboard. The blanket smelled and had several holes in it. The cupboard held only one tin cup.

Sully returned with some dry branches and set about starting a fire in the fireplace. It took quite a while, but he finally got a small fire going. He pampered it, feeding it small dry twigs and then larger branches until he could add some of the larger pieces he had cut up with his tomahawk.

Michaela paced around the small room, rubbing her arms, trying to keep warm. When the fire was going strong, Sully came over to her. He smiled down at her, taking her in his arms. "The fire's burning hot now. We'll be warm in no time."

She smiled back at him and laid her head against his chest, relishing the warmth his body gave off. Despite the fact that a blizzard was beginning to rage outside the tiny shack, she felt safe and was beginning to feel warm. With Sully there, she knew that nothing could happen to them.

It was getting late. They had gathered as much dry wood as they could without venturing far from the shack. They had looked after the horses as best they could. The shack was too small to allow them to come inside. They would just have to brave the cold. They used the old blanket to make a crude windbreak in order to give the animals some protection from the elements. Their tent was brought inside to use as ground cover. They laid their furs overtop of that so they had something warm to sit on.

Sully chewed on a piece of jerky and looked over at Michaela from underneath his bangs. She was sitting quietly, staring into the flames of their fire. Her food untouched in front of her.

"You ain't eatin'" Sully commented.

She looked startled. Mechanically she reached for the jerky, taking a small bite. She was fighting with herself, wanting to tell Sully what had happened, not knowing how to begin.

Sully knew something was wrong. She had been silent during the trip, but now her silence seemed more pressing. He didn't like it. "Something wrong?"

She looked up at him. She opened her mouth, but the words didn't come. She sighed. "I'm worried about the children," she lied.

"The children?" Sully knew this wasn't true. What was going on? What was so wrong that she couldn't tell him. "Michaela," he said softly. She looked up at him and he took her beef stick out of her hand. He moved closer to her, brushing her hair away from her face. It had come loose and was now hanging freely around her shoulders. He looked into her eyes, the magnetism of his gaze holding her own.

"What's really botherin' you? There is something. I can feel it. Tell me. We promised that we wouldn't keep things from one another."

Emotion rose within her. She felt his love for her, saw it in his beautiful eyes. Her belly ached suddenly, her throat closing while her eyes stung with unshed tears. "Oh, Sully," she whispered before the tears won out and she bowed her head with a sob.

Sully was startled, he pulled her close, kissing the top of her head, rubbing her back soothingly. "Sssshhh. It's alright. Michaela, tell me what has you so upset."

She pulled back from him. She met his gaze, saw the concern and felt the pain in her belly again. How could she tell him? How could she break his heart? "Sully. You were gone for a long time." She paused, swallowed and tried to continue. "You remember that night, when you came into the homestead?"

He nodded, smiling slightly. Yes, he remembered that night very well. They had loved each other quite thoroughly that night. It had been a wonderful night. He had missed that recently, but had thought of it often while alone on the trail or in the cave.

"Sully. . ." she stopped again. God, it was so hard to say those words. She tried again, clenching her fists to force herself to say them. "Sully. We started a baby that night. We . . ."

Sully's face lit up. He grinned at her. A baby! "Michaela are you sure? We're gonna have another baby?"

Michaela's eyes sprang wide open. NO! She thought, no that's wrong! "No, Sully. We're not."

It was as though someone had just thrown cold water on him. He moved back from her, his hands falling away from her arms. His smile faded and his brows drew together in confusion. "What do you mean? You just said. . ."

"I miscarried," she whispered.

There was a silence suddenly. The wind continued to howl outside, the fire crackled and popped, but there was suddenly a silence in the small shack. Sully sat frozen, not sure he understood what she was saying. "You miscarried? The baby's gone?"

Tears flowed down her cheeks and she nodded. "It happened at night. I was at the homestead."

"You were alone?"

She nodded. "Sully, I'm sorry. You weren't there so I couldn't tell you when it happened. Then when I saw you at the reservation, I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you."

"You were alone. Oh, Michaela I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you." Sully reached out for her and pulled her close. He held her tightly while she cried and he shed a silent tear for the babe he would never know. Memories of Abigail drifted into his mind and he pushed them away. He wouldn't think about her and Hannah. He would remember Katie. His beautiful daughter that was waiting for him at home. He would think of Michaela and the pain she had gone through alone.

"Does anyone else know? The children?" His voice was soft, his breath lightly stirring her hair.

"Everyone knows," she cried, bitterly. "The whole town knows. I didn't mean for them to find out, but Dorothy and Grace told Loren and he told everyone that I was pregnant. Then, when I lost the baby, I couldn't go on letting them think everything was alright."

"Oh, Michaela. I'm so sorry."

Michaela leaned back slightly, feeling the terrible resentment rise within her. She had tried so hard not to feel resentment toward Sully for not being there with her, but now that she had told him, she felt that feeling returning.

"You were supposed to be there with me, Sully. I shouldn't have had to be alone. You don't know what it was like. I needed you, Sully, more than I have ever needed you before and you weren't there."

Surprised, Sully ran his hand through his hair. "Michaela," he sighed. "You know that I couldn't be there. You know that I would have wanted to be there with you, for you."

"But you weren't, Sully. Afterward, when the town was planning Founder's day celebrations, I was left alone in the house. I felt so empty, so lost. I needed you then. I needed you to tell me it was going to alright. I needed you to hold me while I cried."

"I'm here now, Michaela. I'll hold you now. Please, let me hold you now."

Michaela looked away. She felt guilty for making him feel guilty. But a part of her wanted him to feel pain as she had felt pain. Was that wrong?

Sully took her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Please, Michaela. I love you. You are everything to me. I wish I could have been there for you. I wasn't and I'll have to live with that. But I'm here with you now. Please, let me be with you now."

Michaela felt the tears building up again and as they overflowed, she allowed herself to be held and comforted by her husband. He held her tighter and they sat there before the fire, sharing their pain and trying to heal.

The hours passed by slowly and darkness settled over the small shack. The blizzard continued to rage, piling snow around the shack and insulating it against the bitter cold. Sully and Michaela were huddled together under their blanket, enjoying each other's warmth. Michaela stared into the flames of their fire thinking about their earlier conversation. "Sully?"

"Mmmm?"

"I'm sorry I was angry with you earlier."

Sully shifted slightly so he could look at her. In the faint light from the fire her face was mostly in shadow, but her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears. He gently brushed her hair back from her face and kissed her softly on the lips. "I know. I understand."

Michaela reached for his hand and squeezed it. She smiled crookedly at him. "Do you forgive me?"

"Do you forgive me?" he replied.

She nodded and he smiled at her. "Of course I forgive you then. Come here," he moved closer to her and kissed her again, exerting gentle pressure. She parted her lips, bringing her hand to his face, caressing him lovingly. Sully deepened the kiss, his hand roving down her side under their blanket, then back up again until he cupped her breast.

Michaela drew back suddenly, gently pushing his hand away. "Not now, Sully. I . . . just hold me tonight, please?" Her eyes pleaded for understanding.

Without a word Sully pulled her into his arms. She laid her head upon his chest, listening to his heart beating beneath her cheek. With his arms around her protectively she closed her eyes and eventually drifted off to sleep.

Sleep did not come so easily for Sully. He heard Michaela's slow deep breaths, felt her slight movements, but could not relinquish himself to the oblivion brought on by sleep. He turned his head to stare into the flames of their fire while his mind brought to life the frightening images of Michaela alone in the homestead and losing their child. Waves of guilt washed over him as he realized that he had betrayed his family to help the Indians. He should have been there with her. Maybe if he had been there, their child would still live. Was it his fault? Was the strain of keeping him hidden, facing a murder charge and treason the reason she lost the child? Could he have prevented it?

Agonizing over these thoughts, Sully grieved for the child that would never be. Memories of the pain he had felt after Abigail and their baby died returned, renewing his sense of loss and guilt. He could only be thankful that Michaela had survived, that she was still here with him, able to conceive again. He kissed the top of her head gently, not wanting to wake her up. He felt a powerful surge of love for her and wanted so much to make love to her. But he understood her wanting a little time, a little space. The pain was still too fresh, the feelings of resentment still too near the surface. Sully contented himself with holding her, feeling her warmth at his side and watching the firelight dance in her auburn hair. It was a long time before he was able to fall asleep.

She was cold. Still half asleep, Michaela pulled the blanket tighter around herself. The wasn't any better. She shivered again and gave up her attempt to fall asleep. She opened her eyes and looked around.

"Sully?"

"I'm here," he said softly.

Michaela turned over to see him standing by the open doorway. It was a good thing that the door opened inwards for there was a wall of snow blocking the way. The winds had piled the snow high around the door and there was only about a foot of open space near the top. The light was dim and bitter cold wind whistled through the small opening, chilling the room even more.

Michaela sat up, pulling the blanket around her for what little warmth it contained. She glanced at the fire and noticed that it was just embers, their small pile of wood diminished to only a few small sticks. Small tendrils of fear began to curl around her belly. "Sully? Are we trapped in here?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his long hair. "I don't know how bad it is out there. Can't see enough. We'll have to dig our way out."

Michaela stood up and walked to his side. She watched as he began to chop away at the packed snow with his tomahawk. He managed to widen the hole at the top, but there was now a pile of snow inside the shack. The temperature was dropping quickly, all the heat that had been contained within the small room was now escaping through the opened doorway.

Feeling panicky at being closed in, Michaela dropped the blanket and began to claw at the snow. They worked quickly, trying to push as much of the snow toward the outside as they could. Their hands went numb and red, but still they worked. When they had cleared the top half of the doorway Sully stopped, looking at wife who was shivering badly. He pulled her aside.

"Michaela. You need to warm up. You're freezin'!" He took her hands and rubbed them between his own. She grimaced at the pain that caused, shivering uncontrollably now. Sully shut the door and pulled her over to where their tent still lay on the floor. He sat down, pulled her against his chest and covered them both up with the blanket.

Michaela leaned back against his chest, her arms wrapped over top of his own that hugged her to him. Gradually, their own body warmth was enough to stop her shivering. She sat still, suddenly very aware of him and his maleness that had grown hard between them. Sully leaned down and kissed her neck. He brought his hand up and moved her thick hair, exposing the tender skin at the back of her neck. He ran his lips across her flesh lightly, tickling and raising a row of gooseflesh.

"Sully," she protested softly, weakly. She moved slightly, not sure that she wanted to make love, a little scared, knowing it could lead to another pregnancy.

"Michaela. I love you," he whispered, nibbling her ear and trailing kisses down her neck again. "Let me love you. Let me show you how much I want you."

Michaela turned within his arms and met his gaze, his eyes burning with a passion long restrained. She reached to touch his face with tentative fingers, her hesitation more arousing than she could imagine. Sully bent to kiss her, his lips gentle and loving, not demanding. He knew that she needed to be loved and cherished now, not overwhelmed by unrestrained passion. He would go slowly; they had all the time in the world.

Michaela lay next to him, feeling delightfully sleepy and warm. Her hand rested on his chest, her fingers lightly tracing an invisible pattern. Sully caught up her hand in his own, stopping her tickling movements. He kissed her fingers, nibbling them gently.

"Michaela? Do you want to have another baby?"

She raised herself on one elbow, looking down into the face she loved so dearly. "Yes, I do. But right now, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing another child, Sully. I don't think I could stand the pain of losing another child."

"I know," he whispered, caressing her cheek. He pulled her back down to him, pressing her head against his chest, running his hand along her spine. "When this is over, when I can come back to you and live as a family again, then we'll try again. Maybe I should turn myself in, settle things once and for all. You said McKay was going to get some sort of pardon."

"No, Sully. You can't turn yourself in. Wait. Once Sergeant McKay has things settled then you can come back. Matthew has been investigating the law, trying to find some way of disproving the charge against you. We need a little more time, but I know we'll succeed. Then, when it is safe, you can come home. Sully, I couldn't stand to see you put in jail for the rest of your life. You must stay away until we can prove your innocence."

Sully was quiet for many minutes. Michaela thought he had drifted off to sleep and closed her eyes to join him when he spoke again.

"While I was in the cave, at night, I had lots of time to think. I missed you and the children. I questioned if I had done the right thing. I didn't mean for things to go so wrong at the reservation. It got out of hand, but I should have known it would. The army's got every right to label me a traitor. I provided them with the guns and the horses and the dynamite. It was my fault. And you. Putting you through all that, not knowing if I was alive, then finding me and having to hide me away for all those weeks. And the baby. I should never have put you through all that. It's all my fault, Michaela. All my fault."

Tears had filled Michaela's eyes as he spoke. She turned to look at him and her tears slipped down her cheeks to drop upon his chest. "It's almost over, Sully. Then we can start again." She kissed him softly and was surprised by his passionate response. She gave herself over to him completely and found that, through their love, she was able to begin putting away the pain of her recent loss.

The next morning when Michaela awoke she realized immediately that things seemed very quiet. She smiled as she realized that the blizzard must be over. She stretched languidly, remembering their night of love and felt her belly rumble in response. She grinned, feeling happy and content and at peace with herself and with Sully. She turned over onto her side and looked down at his sleeping face. A lock of hair hung over his forehead and she smoothed it away with her finger.

Sully cracked open an eye, squinting up at her. "Morning, sleepy head," she said with a smile and a kiss. Sully groaned as his own stomach protested the lack of food.

"I think the blizzard is over," Michaela said, kissing his bare shoulder.

Sully listened to the silence and grunted again. "I think you're right. We should get dressed and start trying to get out of here."

"In a minute. I'd like to have breakfast first." She continued to kiss him, her lips moving in a lazy pattern across his chest now, brushing against his nipple.

"Breakfast?" he asked, beginning to feel breathless from her ministrations. "We don't have any food."

"That's not the kind of breakfast I was thinking about."

She moved lower, her kisses leaving a trail of gooseflesh down to his navel. Sully moaned and flung his arms wide, allowing her to indulge in her version of breakfast.

Once they were dressed, they worked quickly to clear the doorway of the packed snow. Knowing that there were leaving, they simply piled the snow up inside the cabin. The temperature seemed to be rising and they could see the sun filtering through the trees. It had indeed stopped snowing, but the winds had piled the snow up past the doorway on this side of the shack. It took them several hours to clear a path out of the drift.

Sully walked around the shack to where he had left the horses. He was very concerned, but relieved to see that they had survived. The snow and wind had not been so bad on this side and though hungry, they were little the worse for wear. Minutes later, both Sully and Michaela mounted their horses and headed off toward town, picking their way slowly and carefully through the drifts.

It was a long ride, but much more pleasant than the previous one. Their hurts had been brought out into the open and were beginning to heal. Time would be the cure. Time and love.

Below are links to my other Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman stories.

[ Dr. Quinn ] [ Up ] [ The Anguished Heart ] [ To Live with Fear ] [ Into the Fire ] [ The River ] [ Snowbound ] [ The Outlaw ] [ Beneath the Shadow of the Moon ] [ Avalanche! ]

Disclaimer: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and its characters were created by Beth Sullivan. This story in no way intends to infringe upon any copyrights owned by Ms Sullivan or CBS. If anyone associated with DQMW objects to this site and wishes for it to be removed, I will do so when asked in writing. The story content is my own and is copyrighted October 29, 1997. This story may not be stored on any other server without the author's prior permission. Links to this site would be appreciated, although please inform me when you do so.