| Blues Written by The Fist of Death GAINAX owns EVA; all cameo characters belong to their respective owners 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 AN: Whoo, boy, this is my supremely fucked up fic. Inspired by Chuck Palaniuk (Misspelled, the guy who wrote Fight Club and Choke.) Told in first person perspective from Shinji’s view. Review, no flames. I was very depressed when I wrote this. I still am very depressed. 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0 Did you know that the fourth step in every twelve-step addiction recovery program has you write down every moment of your life. That’s right, every lame, suck-ass moment right there for you to behold in a little black notebook. Usually the program will give them to you, ‘cause you can’t be trusted to buy them on your own. Not surprisingly, if you look through NERV and my apartment, you’ll find a shit load of little black books. And now I’ve got dirt on everybody. I’m smart enough to keep mine hidden and locked up, along with everybody else’s. That’s why when I’m in this lousy bed, with a motherfucking IV drip running into my wrist, I have Misato bring me my overnight bag. It has every book I’ve collected for the past year. You see, I go to a group for depression. Yeah, they think that it’s an addiction to some body chemical. So I go there, Tuesdays and Thursdays, to spout my shit at a few other people. Some new friends of mine go there too. Akito Tenkawa, Mackie Stingray, yeah, they go there too. We deal with it. It’s not that bad, you get used to it. It’s the other ones that are really weird. Misato goes to AA meetings, not surprising. She’s probably the most normal of us all. Asuka goes to a violence addiction program, where they tell her she’s addicted to adrenaline. I say that she’s just a psycho bitch. Rei gets treatment for narcotics addiction. Don’t be so surprised, she’s pale from withdrawal now. And the emotionless bit? She fried her brain on a massive coke hit. That’s why she walks around naked. Oddly, Maya goes to a sexaholic group. It says in her book that she was fired from her job at a car dealership because she nearly killed a customer banging herself on the stick shift of the remodeled Ford Pinto. Father and Fuyutsuki go to a different sexaholic group, this one for screwing young women. I vomited after reading Father’s first five pages, I mean, GOD he’s fucking Ritsuko! I still gotta cut Fuyutsuki’s dick off for fucking my mom. Kensuke sees someone for otaku therapy. I heard that on the trip to Okinawa, he fainted, screaming, ‘Don’t send the Gundams into the sun! Stay AWAY!’ Hikari sees some group for excessive masturbation. Last I read, she had a greased shampoo bottle in the shower that she had to use three times, a cucumber in the refrigerator that she used five times, a dildo in her room she used eight times, fifty-seven hentai films, and nineteen different vibrators a day! And this was just to break even! Hyuga goes to nerd therapy. He’s at the point where he breaks his glasses just so he can tape them back with masking tape. Aoba goes to air guitar therapy. His fingers are twitching so much that he started boiling the LCL, which would explain why I’m here in the hospital. And last, but probably most ironic, is Kaji. He goes to Being Men Together, a group for people who had suffered testicular cancer and now are lacking...ahem. Which would explain his constant chauvinism. Pretty soon I’m going to release this stuff, and laugh my ass off. Because, you see, I hate these people. Asshole isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind. END |