Have and Hold
by Vanilla Tiger

Sequel to To Love Somebody
Feedback to fitchers_bird@yahoo.co.uk.

It’s strange having what most would call a boyfriend. The word hasn’t been said yet. He doesn’t trust words. They never mean what you want them to.

Besides it’s all too new and strange. The old fear’s still there, that you’ll say the words and look into their eyes and see nothing but your reflection. They haven’t quite figured out what’s going on between them, but neither of them is alone and there’s some type of unspoken understanding there and that’s what counts after all.

They don’t stay anywhere for long. If they don’t know what’s going on between them, how can they explain to anyone else? It’s easier if they keep on the move, never having to face up to the ghosts of the past. They are wandering heroes on a grand adventure.

No one wants them to stay anyway.

They instinctively head for the trouble spots. They show up and find just what it is that has been killing livestock or stealing children. Andrew handles the magic; Riley does the actual slaying. The townsfolk are insanely grateful while they wait for the rescuers to leave, taking the bad things with them.

Perhaps one day there will be folk songs written about the pair of them: the brave soldier and the dazzling magician. And nobody will care how the times everything so nearly went so wrong because heroes never falter and the power of love will always win out.

In each new town they try to reinvent themselves but everyone can see the shadows that cling to them in the artificial brightness, in the careful gentility and no one ever gets too close. They have each other and that’s great, but just sometimes Riley wonders how his life would be different if he’d ever had a choice in the matter.

A part of him will always love Buffy, just like he’ll never stop wondering what happens in those dreams that make Andrew moan like that.

Riley’s knows that there’s truth in every cliché, and no one ever wants to be lonely. He hopes that it’s more than that keeping them together.

When people used to ask, he said that he joined the military because he loved his country and wanted serve it any way he could, followed by his best corn-fed Iowa smile. More simply, he wanted to be a hero. He wanted people to look at him the way Andrew does now.

Far as he can figure, Andrew just wanted to be noticed. They’ve both got what they want now, and yet it doesn’t quite seem like enough. None of the major questions will ever be acknowledged because if they lose each other, they’ll have nothing left. Could either of them start anew once more? The Lone Ranger sounds wonderfully romantic, until you have to live every day waking up alone.

And just maybe things will work themselves out. If they just face each other and admit their insecurities everything would not only be resolved but also be far better than before. They’ll know just how to make this work, and have a shot at living the happily ever after.

Or maybe it’ll all break down and the world will revert to how it was post-Sunnydale. Riley will get around to trying out that career in alcoholism he was considering, and Andrew will finally find that early grave which he’d seemed destined for. ‘Cause really with both their experience in relationships, it was obvious which one was more likely.

Andrew always preferred a pretty lie to the truth; Riley’s beginning to see the wisdom of that policy.

So they dance around the truth of the matter, and only ever talk about the unimportant things. Sometimes Riley takes foolish risks in battle just to see the shine in Andrew’s eyes when he makes it back safe. The relieved babble cascades over his ears, but seeing is believing.

They can’t say it in words, too afraid to even try, but sometimes there’s a look that few seconds too long, a little more pressure in each touch than there needs to be and Riley hopes that he’s reading the signs right this time. Hopes that he knows himself as well as his lover. At those moments it feels exactly how love should.

It’s hesitant, unspoken and unstable, but it’s there. For now, that will have to do.