Surface Tension
By Vanilla Tiger
AN: Written for Aphedas who requested Wesley/Andrew in the FCFM We Are As
Gods challenge. Thanks to Emony for the beta.
Feedback to fitchers_bird@yahoo.co.uk
Wesley dreams.
He always wakes up not quite remembering but desperate to try. He's taken to keeping a dream diary, forcing discipline onto his unruly subconscious. If they were prophetic dreams they surely would have more easily stuck in his mind. Nonetheless, there is something there that he needs to know.
Months go by and all he can recall is this: There was a woman and a child, both of whom he loved, both of whom he destroyed. He has a nagging feeling that they returned briefly but he cannot say more. Whatever happened, he knows that they will not return.
He knows he should share his misgivings with his friends, but cannot speak of it to them. Everyone seems preoccupied within their various departments. He tried mentioning it once to Angel, but was quickly dismissed. For the most fleeting of moments, there was a flicker of shock on the vampire's face. Wesley didn't dream for a week after that.
Lilah stares at him when she believes he doesn't notice. If he catches her in the act, she gives him a mocking smile. Wesley cannot explain why he sees it as mocking herself as much as him.
The more time passes, the clearer and yet more vague the dreams become. He can no longer remember why he followed Angel here. Loyalty would explain the most of it, but for some reason the dreams have left Wesley unable to trust the vampire. And if he cannot trust Angel, why should he have ever trusted Wolfram and Hart?
Wesley spends more time than he should out of the office. He tells himself that he's doing research, that he's checking out potential competition or any of a hundred and one lies that hide the fact that he's really not sure why he does anything anymore.
In a fit of nostalgia, he returns to the Hyperion. There's a new detective agency operating from there, run by a vampire who Wesley would say had been resurrected if not for the fact that Spike is still technically dead. Perhaps he should be glad Spike summarily rejected any approach from Angel. It allows him to claim that he's observing merely to discover new data to try to solve the mystery of why Spike was brought back.
Sometimes it feels as if Wesley's whole existence is a lie.
There appears to be no logic to Spike's actions. He alternatively aids and hinders Wolfram and Hart without differentiating between the LA branch and the rest. He works almost alone. He refuses aid from Slayers and demons all, but employs a young man whose only distinction is a limited knowledge of summoning.
It was after Andrew arrived that Wesley decided to focus his time on observing Spike Investigations. Everyone knows about it, but no one really seems to care all that much, so all Wesley's carefully prepared excuses lie unused. His team readily accept that it's a job that needs to be done, while Spike seems mildly amused by his constant presence. Occasionally Lilah baits him over the matter, but his measured responses leave her with half-hidden disappointment in her eyes.
Wesley watches Spike. He watches the way he lives, the way he fights, and the way he interacts with the strange young man who follows him devotedly. Wesley pushes down the flicker of irritation he feels when Spike looks at Andrew like some precocious pet and forces himself to admit that there is some sort of friendship forming there. Neither have much experience in detective work but they are learning. And if a mysterious clue is passed along when they are working a particularly unsuccessful case, they've learned just to accept their good fortune.
Wesley watches Andrew puttering desperately after the vampire, wanting only to be useful, to be needed. Gradually it comes to him that he's watching himself there - not as he is now, but the Wesley of all those years before, who was so happy to be exploited and so easily cast aside. He finds himself wanting to take the boy aside and give him the advice he himself had needed back then. He wants to stop the whole mess before it goes too far and Andrew does the worst of things with the best of intentions (although he's not really sure what that would be). He wants to drag him away to where he can privately yell, "Can't you see he isn't worth it?" or maybe just, "He'll never love you."
Still, deep down he knows that such an intervention would do no good. In that position, Wesley wouldn't have listened either. So he finds another way to help – he works his way to becoming friends with the boy, despite their differences. He has to show him that there are other options than giving your heart to a dead man.
He introduces himself one day, using an opening gambit of wanting to discuss various demonic languages. The boy is too trusting and accepts him quite easily. Wesley knows that he should really do something to change that. It would be in Andrew's best interests after all. He may have survived Sunnydale, but LA would destroy him.
Yet Wesley remains hesitant to act. He continues to meet Andrew and they are slowly gaining a routine. Work permitting, Andrew comes to his apartment every Thursday evening. It started after a casual attempt to increase their common ground had turned into a fierce argument over who exactly was the best Doctor Who. Wesley had dragged a not exactly unwilling Andrew to his home to prove his case with his battered old BBC videotapes. Now the apartment feels unbearably empty when his gleeful enthusiasm is absent.
Occasionally Wesley wakes up checking his neck for a scar. On those days, he considers giving Andrew a key.
Other nights they go to various bars. Andrew can't handle his liquor, but is determined to try. He needs someone to watch over him while he learns his limits and Wesley doesn't trust Spike. Besides, somehow over the past year Wesley developed quite the taste for alcohol.
Yes, Wesley is supposed to be looking out for the younger man, but it's been a hard week, just like all the others. He allows himself to drink a little more than usual. After all, he deserves some respite.
And then Andrew is nibbling on Wesley's ear and Wesley strangely isn't stopping him. He responds eagerly and desperately; the only pause is for the pair of them to rush back to the apartment.
The night passes in a haze of sweat and moans. Need combines with want to create a feverish intimacy. There's something real here, something true and tangible in which Wesley can believe. He goes to sleep holding Andrew close to him.
He wakens sore and groggy. One glance is enough to remind him of what happened last night. Wesley knows that it was a mistake. Drunken sex with a boy who’s in love with someone else is not what he needs, and will not do Andrew any good either. No issues with casual sex here, but Wesley has to admit to himself that his intentions toward Andrew might extend further than friendship.
He has to get out of here. It may be cowardly to hope that Andrew will take the hint and will have left by the time he returns, but Wesley can't face the inevitable conversation just now. He carefully disentangles himself from the other man, hastily washes and dresses, and heads towards the door.
A whisper from the bed makes him freeze. "You're leaving?"
Wesley turns. He briefly entertains the notion of just running away from the whole mess. He can't do that now of course. With a delicate gentility he says, "This isn't what you need. I do care for you but-"
"Don't!" Andrew's voice is harsh with anger. "Leave if you want to. We can pretend that this never happened and I won't mind. Just don't lie to me about it."
Taken by surprise, Wesley lashes back quickly. "Spike and I may have been born in the same country, but that doesn’t make us interchangeable. I’m not willing to be here just because you can’t have him!”
Andrew's expression softens in confusion. "I'm not interested in Spike that way."
Wesley just stares coolly in response, not trusting himself to reply.
"Yeah, he's supercool and real hot and everything," Andrew continues, "but did you ever hear him talk about Buffy?" Spike had proved himself quite reticent about such matters in apparently everybody but Andrew's presence. "I don't know why he's refusing to see her but it's definitely not because he doesn't love her anymore. Besides, when I came to LA I promised myself I wouldn't keep falling for guys who could never feel the same for me."
Wesley knows he should say something here yet he remains silent. With all the books he's read and all the languages he knows, he still can't find the right words.
"I thought you cared," Andrew says, and stops as if waiting to be contradicted.
It doesn't matter now that Wesley is unable to speak. When he kisses Andrew he says all that he needs to say.
Wesley doesn't leave. Neither does Andrew. That night they sleep together. And if Wesley dreams he does not remember, nor does he care.