We met in the waiting room of Penn Station and the tour began with Bob explaining to his crew why the door frame of the waiting room does not fit in the doorway.One less mystery in my life. Bob also informed us that the at the end of the tour there would be a surprise.
Now this fact is very important and I want you to remember that Bob said there was going to be a surprise at the end of the tour.
We then moved on to the observation window of Penn Station overlooking the spectacular bedrock which was blasted away in order to make way for the train station. I have to admit this was a sight the likes of which I had never seen before.
From there we were off to downtown New York City. We headed for the craft which would take us to our first destination only to find out that the craft had been disabled.
We moved along to another craft that we boarded this craft took us warp speed (and I mean warp speed) to a section of the planet called Tribeca where we entered a local drinking establishment called "Nancy Whiskey."
Here Bob explained to his crew the historical value of this establishment; he told us that it was the oldest bar in the area. This fact was confirmed once all of us sat down for a drink and realized we were all leaning heavily to one side. Bob showed us the hole in the floor which he claimed was used for trapping women who wore mink coats and high heel shoes.
It appeared that this bar had an odd custom of honoring it's guests. It seemed that the name of every guest that had ever been to the bar was carved into the real wooden tables. For example, "Christopher Columbus slept here" was one of the more prominent carvings, and the fossilized gum under the tables appeared to be centuries old. From our seating area we could look through the plexiglas observation window and see the bar's aged dart board and aging cuisine. Upon leaving Debbie B gathered us all together for a "Kodak Moment" near the front door.
Bob once again led his crew out into the ice-flipping cold and on to the next bar; "Walker's." The next location was one of more modern times where once we entered we discovered "Gary was a fag" and that women fall out of the bathroom. After a drink or maybe two Debbie B highjacked one of the natives and once again gathered us together for a photo imaging session outside the bar, and we were off again to the next location.
The third bar was one occupied by a younger species of native. "The North River Bar" was sort of oval shaped and there was a beautiful painting of Manhattan behind the stage. It was here that for the first time I tried a drink recommended by Debbie Brown, something called a "Roasted Nut" or was it "Toasted Almond?" Anyway it was good. The group became concerned when Debbie and Robin disappeared into the bathroom for what was an unusually long time as we had been informed that the Life Guard had gone off-duty at 8:00 and it was well past 10. They did eventually emerge unharmed. After a few drinks and laughs we were once again off to the next location.
(Robin adds: "We were writing the phone number of the Nassau Wings on the bathroom wall ... just in case a cool biker chick walked in, even though it's obvious that all of the coolest biker chicks already belong to the club ...")
The fourth bar was a small place literally on what was once the very end of Manhattan called "The Ear." Here Bob explained that this was once the very end of the island of Manhattan and every thing from there on was nothing but land fill.
Inside the bar we discovered an odd thing: There was a window on the Men's room door which allowed people to look clearly into the room. However, this window did not exist on the Ladies' room door. I found some discomfort with this and briefly toyed with notion of switching the signs on the doors. I realized that this may not sit well with the female of the species, nor would it befit the high level of integrity which my oath of public office bonds me too. So, holding to that high level of integrity, I immediately dismissed the idea. However I do plan to return to that bar upon my retirement :)
Okay here we go off to the final location. Keep in mind now that Bob promised us a surprise at the end of the tour. It was during this last trek that Bob introduced us to a native technique called "Playing the Lights." This was an unusual technique which I didn't quite understand. I guess it's a native thing.
We arrived at the final bar, "Tennessee Mountain," ready by this time to enjoy some food and drink. We carefully approached the place with wide eyed anticipation. Here it comes, the surprise: Bob pulled on the door to enter, it was LOCKED. The placed was CLOSED! Oh no! Now what? We stood there, in the cold, looking at each other. But our fearless leader doesn't let a small thing like this stand in his way. He grabbed the reins and decided to lead us into the "Noho area" on a quest for another place to eat. We stopped briefly in front of a local building for Bob to make a phone call. It was here that Debbie B occupied herself by skating on the yellow ice and I informed everybody that it was so cold my mustache was getting hard. This seemed to disturb some of the women. Beats me why, it was only a mustache!
Anyway, unable to find a restaurant in Manhattan that was open past midnight and the time of the train leaving Penn Station to return us all home getting nearer, we decided to return to Penn Station. Can you believe this: We couldn't find a restaurant open past midnight but the newsstands were open 24 hours? Go figure!
We boarded a craft bound for Penn Station where we encountered our first alien transmission over the craft's communication system. It was in an odd language proclaiming that the aliens were in the house, one of them was having a birthday, and another one had a fat ass...
Once at Penn Station we entered an Irish Pub, "Tir na Nog," for our fifth and final drink. It was here that Nicole, Ralph and Robin, and Debbie and Kevin decided to end their trek and return home. The rest of the diehards stayed for a drink and then down to Penn Station. A few slices of ice-cold pizza and hot-dogs later we were on the train home. At Jamaica Station Mike parted from us and headed home. At the Valley Stream stop Bob, Joan and Jaime disembarked and headed home, leaving me on the east bound train alone at 2:40 in the morning wondering were I would be had I not joined the Nassau Wings.
So we came to the end of the five bar trek, having exactly what Bob promised us: Five bars and a great time had by all.
My compliments to Bob on a job well done even in the face of adversity and I hope this becomes an annual event.
I would like to suggest that the Tennessee Mountain Restaurant be put on the list for a ride to eat in the near future because the way Bob described it, we HAVE to go back.
P.S. I should mention that this trek consisted of three U-turns, two false alarms, and an "Oh shit, what do we do now?"
Oh yeah! One more thing! Jaime wanted me to mention that Mike was very stoic the entire trek!
See ya all at he meeting, The Cheech
Written by The Cheech, Edited by Jaime.
