Abba Bean's Page of Homer Simpson Quotes

• "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
• "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
• "Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."
• "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."
• "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."
• "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
• "God bless those pagans."
• "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."
• "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
• "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
• "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
• "Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!"
• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night."
• "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
• "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
• "Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
• "Ignore the boy, Lord."
• "You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
• "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
• "Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?"
• "Trying is the first step towards failure."
• "Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
• "America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"
• "What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?"
• "The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!"
• "Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"
• "Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will."
• "Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!"
• "They have the Internet on computers, now?"
• "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
• "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
• "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
• "Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
• "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
• "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
• "I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!"
• "I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"