I am a bird named Swanda, and this is my biology:
My pure white plumage is innocent in appearance but beware – many a breadcrumb-throwing voyeur has paid the price of getting too close. You see, I use my long neck to peer over the crowd and search you out. My beady eyes look deep into your soul, finding the wicked truth locked within. I won’t hesitate to launch the brattiest of hissing-fits on anyone who even thinks of including the words “matchbox” and “twenty” in the same breath.

When I’m not executing my mastery over land, sea and air, you can find me either making mixed tapes or planning my assault on the world at large, depending on what time of year it is. During mating season, I rarely get much of a chance to work on my plotting, and now that I think about it, the rest of the year is really just spent in preparation for mating season. (Don’t deny it! You know it’s true for all of us; no bird or human is safe!) Still, I have been able to accomplish the following:

1. Well, I started down the straight and narrow; trying my hand at advanced biological studies, hoping that by unlocking the mysteries of the DNA molecule and the evolutionary history of the human brain, I could learn how to control/manipulate its owners. I soon discovered that rock music was a far more effective (not to mention fun!) method of achieving my goal.

2. So I wormed my way into the local club scene, where I use rock and roll recordings to mold the minds of young and old alike, slyly infiltrating their subconscious minds, wearing down their will beat by beat, riff upon riff.

3. The DJing bit is only one small part of the total sonic attack. I thought it unwise to lay all my eggs in one basket (so to speak), so I had to join forces with the other birds as one united front: the Flamingogos. I’m not sure if the others realize just what they’ve gotten themselves into, but it won’t be long now until we come to our triumphant conclusion and have the whole of humanity chanting and dancing to my swansong.

Articles about Wylde Swanda:

November 4-10 2004 View Magazine article from Hamilton