Chapter 1 - The Early Years
I grew up with a moderately-religious background. WeChapter 2 - The Professing Years
attended St. Paul's Lutheran church. I remember singing in
the choir, attending Sunday school, and going to vacation
Bible school when I was in grade school. I don't ever
remember my dad going but I do remember my mom taking us.My sister, two years older than me, went through
"confirmation" and I couldn't wait to do that too. My
parents were divorced when I was nine. When I was old enough
for the classes, I missed two of them. I don't remember all
of the specifics, but for some reason, my mom's schedule did
not allow me to make up the missed classes. I remember
coming out of the first class with the feeling of an all
powerful God who did not like it when I was bad. My best
friend (who had an older brother whose "soft porn" mags we
would often look at together) and I vowed that day very
sincerely not to do anything bad ever again. This attempt to
become right with God failed miserably as I often got into
trouble. Through all this I still considered myself to be
a normal person who, if I were to die, God would surely let
me into heaven.I lived with my mother and sister until I was twelve at which
time I moved eight miles away into a different town to live
with my father and his new wife. Along with a new school,
this meant a new church; United Methodist. The pastor was
very popular and loved by all. During the first couple of
years after moving, we attended fairly regularly; just the
regular service, not Sunday school.One day in 10th grade biology class the teacher had us write
down on a piece of paper 10 things (if I recall correctly)
that he had written down on the board, but we had to write
them down in the order of importance these items were in our
lives. They included items such as Family, Friends, God,
Money, Success, etc. Then he had us line up according to our
lists. The teacher made the first and last person in line
tell why they placed that item first/last. He went item by
item. When money came up, I was at the top of the line. I
told the class that everything relies on money and you can't
do anything without it. When God came up, I was at the end
of the line. I told the class that since God forgives us of
all of our sins there really isn't that much need to give Him
that big of a priority in our lives.
After high school, I went off to the University of Toledo.Chapter 3 - The Doubtful Years
In the dorm there was a room on my floor that had a large
cross on it and I was informed that some radical or wacko
Christians lived there. I had mixed feelings about the cross
and their testimony but basically believed that they could do
whatever they wanted ("to each their own"). A part of me
thought that they were quite brave for doing what they did.The group that these guys belonged to was called CCF (Campus
Christian Fellowship) which was sponsored by a local Baptist
church. Before the end of my freshman year I had gone to a
few of the meetings on Thursday night and was nervously
interested. I was convicted over the messages. I decided in
my own mind that I needed to be "born again" like these guys,
but on my own terms. During summer break I decided that my
birthday would be a good day to be born again, so, on that
July day in 1984, I resolved to be a better person and to
trust Christ with my life.School started back up and I went to CCF in the fall. Then a
guy named Jeff came by the dorms one night in November and
was looking for someone. I recognized him from CCF and
approached him as he seemed lost in the hallway. He said he
couldn't remember why he was there but that he was looking
for someone. This led into small talk, which led to
spiritual issues as he asked me how I was getting along. I
said that I was doing pretty good, and that I was being
pretty good. Later Jeff told me that that told him something
was wrong, so we went to the basement to talk. We talked
about salvation and what it was. I had many questions, about
my parents and other friends, etc. He told me that I could
not worry about them and that it would be only me standing
before God one day to give an account for what I did. This
made sense to me. He told me that he would meet me for
breakfast downstairs and left. I went back to the room and
cried my eyes out and asked for God to forgive me of my sins
and be my saviour. I got up off the floor feeling no real
change but I remembered that Jeff told me not to rely on
emotions but on the facts of the Bible. The next morning I
told Jeff that I had trusted Christ but that I felt no
different. He told me that was OK.I stopped drinking and chasing girls and went through college
going to CCF, reading my Bible, living with other Christians,
and listening to Christian radio. Through it all there were
nagging sins that I could not stop doing. Other sins were
"easy" to give up, but I had a couple personal ones that if
others found out about, they would surely be displeased. Try
as I may, I could not get rid of them. This really bothered
me but when I asked people about these issues I was always
assured that the Lord saves people and then they "grow" in
sanctification. So I was comforted and went on my way in
"growing."Note: For the purpose of this written testimony, I am not
going to disclose what these sins were. The purpose is not
out of shame, because I have told many close friends what
they are. One who is saved is deeply ashamed of their past,
(What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now
ashamed? for the end of those things is death. (Ro 6:21))
The purpose is so that a reader who might be questioning his
salvation will not say, "Well those sins aren't my sins so
I must be OK." The real question is do you have sins that
you can't give up? This will be addressed later.One thing that I would always refer back to was a little
diagram in one of the tracts which showed a little train.
The engine of the train was labeled "facts" and the caboose
was labeled "feelings." We were instructed by the text to
put our feelings last and the facts first. This diagram
would help me put my doubts and struggles aside while
referring back to it. Looking back on it now, I can not
recall repentance as being a part of any of those tracts. It
was mainly along the lines of "Christ died for you. Wouldn't
you like to receive him?"
After college graduation, in 1987, I really began to question
this issue of election. A new radio station in town was pro-
election and anti-free-will. This bothered me. At first I
laughed and ridiculed it, but the more I listened to the
scriptural support, I started to come around to accept it as
truth. I say that I started to accept it, but not entirely,
because I did not fully know or understand all of the issues
of God's soveriegn grace, etc. One thing was for sure, if
salvation was of the Lord (Jonah 2:9) then I had nothing to
do with my profession, and it must be all of Him. This took
a lot of security away from me and what I had done. Had He
done anything at all, or was my decision just that, a
decision? This teaching took me out of the equation, so to
speak.Shortly after this a friend and I went to where I worked and
we met a guy who went to our church. He talked about how
he was a chain-smoker before he got saved and once someone
told him that smoking did not honor the Lord, he threw them
out and never craved them again. It was simple for him. This
really bothered me because in the back of my mind I knew the
sins that I clung to, knowing that God was not pleased with
them.A few years after college I continued attending the same
church. One day a visiting missionary's wife gave her
testimony. It bothered and confused me. She told how she
had made a profession at a young age and went through school
and married her missionary husband and went out onto the
field and realized through the preaching of the Word that she
was not saved.Shortly after that, I shared an apartment with a guy a few
years older than me who had gone to Bible college and went to
the same church that I did. We often had good theological
discussions. One day I was studying the doctrine of
salvation in the text Elemental Theology by Bancroft. I was
surprised when I got to the part of repentance and saw that
the author believed it to be a necessary element of
salvation. I laughed and went to my roommate and showed him
and laughed about it thinking it was clearly a works
salvation. He read it and said "Yeah, that's right." He
went on to explain that repentance was necessary for
salvation. I tried to shuffle my way out of it with my
roommate and say it was just semantics or something, but I
went back to my room really troubled.
At this point I would like to interject some scripture that
greatly influenced my searching.Jeremiah 13:23 - Can the Ethiopian change his
skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also
do good, that are accustomed to do evil.
Proverbs 26:11 - As a dog returneth to his vomit,
so a fool returneth to his folly.No matter how hard I tried and resolved, I continued in my
sin. People who told me that sins drop off in time due to
sanctification, did little to comfort me. I also learned
through the preaching of the Word that a true child of God
"sinneth not," that is, does not habitually practice sin.I John 3:6 - Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not:
whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him.I John 5:18 - We know that whosoever is born of
God sinneth not; but he that is begotten of God keepeth
himself, and that wicked one toucheth him not.Faced with the above, it was a natural progression,
supernaturally revealed, to conduct self examination.II Peter 1:10 - Wherefore the rather, brethren, give
diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if
ye do these things, ye shall never fall:II Corinthians 13:5 - Examine yourselves, whether ye
be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not
your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except
ye be reprobates.
A true scriptural examination convicted me.A new pastor came to our church that I was a member of and,
over a period of time, many in the church saw what we
considered to be compromises in God's Word and handling of
situations in the church that led us to believe that he was
more new-evangelical than separatist-Baptist. As a result,
many of us left. Perhaps out of backlash, I went to a Hyles
type church that stressed those points on separation, that I
saw lacking in the new pastor of my former church.
Before I left the former church, I started dating a veryChapter 4 - The Helpful Year
sweet and sincere girl named Gwen. Her family was one of
those that left the former church and went to this new one. I
followed their move to this new church a few months after
them.The new church was exciting. People were doing things for
the Lord. People were getting saved. At least this is what
I thought, for a while. I started to see things wrong with
the evangelism approach. People were saying prayers and
confessing Christ, but had little or no change in nature.
This didn't set well with me. I even led people in prayers
and watched these "converts" come and go as through a
revolving door.It was also during this time that I started to read a lot more
of Charles Haddon Spurgeon (known as the "Prince of
Preachers"). I had a couple of his books (famous sayings
and devotions) but eventually ordered a ten-volume set of
his sermons to which I committed to reading one sermon a
week. The preaching was strong and convicting. I continued
to look at my life and see that his preaching of the scriptures
was pointing to me.Many times during these doubtful years I would bow my head
in my room and pray "Lord if I'm not saved, save me now!"
This gave me some peace for a while, but the doubts soon
hounded me again.
In 1993 I married Gwen. Two years later we built a houseChapter 5 - The Lost Year
on the east side of town, closer to my work. We intended to
leave the current church on the west side and attend one on
the east side. We went to a couple. The one we decided to
join was more Bible-based. What attracted us
to the preaching was the anti-Hyles stance. (Much as I left
the compromising, no standards church for the Hyles-type
church earlier.)We soon learned that our pastor's son, was an
evangelist. One Sunday he came through town and preached.
His preaching, which contained parts of his testimony, really
convicted me. He even stated once in the sermon that if you
have really nagging doubts and you pray "If I'm not saved
now, save me," it won't work! That was to me, but I tried to
shrug it off and convince myself that all people's experiences
are different.It probably wasn't but a couple of months later that pastor's
wife, told us her testimony. That really had me
squirming. She was a pastor's wife for years living a false
profession, before the preaching of the Word convicted and
convinced her that she was not saved. She sunk very low,
convinced that God would not accept her pleas, that she was
too great a sinner for God to save her! God changed her mind
when he granted her true salvation.One thing we noticed when we started to attend the church was
the big banner at the front of the church speaking about a
"tent meeting." I had no idea what this was all about. It
was a week-long event to be held in June of 1996. But this
was only October, more than a couple of months away. I was
very skeptical and leery. One of our friends at the church
told us that a deacon got saved at the tent meeting last
year. "A deacon?," I thought. What did I get myself into here?
Although I had doubts, I was still clinging to my profession
and thought that this person probably lived a willful lie and
finally confessed before people that he was trying to scam
them somehow. Surely I was saved, and some of these people
were just confused.Well, the tent meeting started. The preaching was great. I
went into the meeting tossed back and forth between saved,
not saved, as I had been for the previous couple of years. I
went into the meeting with the intentions of getting this
thing settled. It got settled all right, just not how I
thought it would be. By Tuesday night, I was convinced that
I was lost, that I had been living a lie, not purposefully,
but my heart had deceived me for years.Probably the most convicting preaching came through Dr.
Curtman. He explained how Christ was Prophet, Priest, and
King. When people today accept Christ, they want the Prophet
(want to know more about Him, His doctrine, His life, His
example, etc.) and the Priest (his sacrificial death on the
cross to forgive their sins). But when it comes to Him being
King (Lord), many people fall short. That teaching does not
agree with them. That teaching did not agree with me. But Dr.
Curtman said Christ is a package deal not to be changed. You
either get all of Him or none of Him. You can't take the two
items that appeal to you and leave off the one!I went home Tuesday night and told Gwen that I was not saved.
She couldn't really believe it but said that she was glad
that I knew it so that now I could get it settled. I knew in
my heart, since I knew her so well and her profession, that
she was not saved either but I did not tell her. That didn't
matter because the preaching on Wednesday night convicted her
and she came home and told me that she was not saved either.
I told her that I already knew that and we talked for a long time.A man came all the way from Mississippi to the meeting
and had a table full of pamphlets with people's testimonies
similar to our pastor's wife and his son. I helped myself to
plenty of them.By Saturday the meeting was concluded but I had to take care
of an issue before Sunday. I called pastor at home and told
him that he would have to find another Sunday school teacher
for the boys. He was taken aback by this and asked why. (We
later discussed this and he initially thought that perhaps
something that had occurred during the meeting offended me
and that I was leaving the church.) I told him that I didn't
think that he wanted an unsaved man teaching his kids. He
was surprised and we talked. He had no problem with the
situation because he had seen this plenty of times.
Gwen and I thought that salvation would come quickly, perhapsChapter 6 - An Expected End
taking only a few weeks, and maybe months at the most. The
next year was pretty miserable for us as we continued to
wait. I felt so helpless. The sins that I knew could send
me straight to hell continued to dominate me. They grieved
me even more now. I only told two people outside of the
church what I was going through. They both were surprised at
what I shared. During the year of despair, I continued to
attend church, read Spurgeon, read all the Grapp pamphlets,
and listen to good solid radio preaching.One Spurgeon sermon I came across had a bit of his personal
testimony that shared how he had gone through a period of
three to four years of struggling before realizing salvation.
Another pamphlet I read talked about how churches today talk
about the mourners bench and sinners struggling to find God,
but then urge people to "come forward" and "receive Christ
now!"The tent meeting for 1997 was to be held in August. I looked
forward to it hesitantly. I had been waiting what seemed to
me to be a long time. I thought to myself that I could not
take what Spurgeon went through. I was burdened greatly.One man preached on Tuesday night on "The Law." He
explained how the Law was not done away with, as many think.
Jesus expanded upon the Law and made it an even larger
burden (for instance when the law condemns adultery, Jesus
said if you even LOOK upon another woman lustfully you've
already committed adultery in your heart). The purpose of
the Law was never to save anyone but to show people that they
could not keep it and that their "shortcomings" were very
great in the sight of God. All this I had heard, known, and
agreed with before, but it was greatly magnified that night.
I went forward and cried my eyes out for a few minutes at the
alter but found no relief. I then went back to my seat, but
simply could not take it anymore. I looked over to the
man from Mississippi who was singing with his wife. I went
over and touched his elbow and asked if we could go
somewhere. We left the tent and he asked me what was going
on. All I could sputter out after a few seconds was "I want
this to end." He put his arm on my shoulder and we walked to
the church where we sat on the platform steps.He told me to tell God what was going on. I cried out to
God for His mercy and for Him to save me. After a while he
stopped me and asked me what I was doing. He explained that
he was only there to help guide me, just as Philip guided
the Ethiopian (Acts 8). He explained how he would be able to
recognize what was going on spiritually and would guide me or
steer me in the right direction. I told him that I was
crying out to God for mercy. He asked me what was going on.
I told him that there was a great burden of sin on me, too
massive for me to see around. I wanted Christ's presence, I
wanted deliverance from sin, and from this burden. He said
okay and said for me to tell the Lord about it.I started again and after a while, he stopped me again and
asked me what I was doing. I thought that was kind of a dumb
question but surely he had a reason for asking it. I told him
and he asked me how many times had I gone through this. I
told him many but did not know how many times I had done so
in the last year. He told me that I had already repented of my
sins. I was knid of surprised. He said that God did not
want me to do this any more. He told me that there was one
sin that I had not repented of. This took me aback. I did
not know what he meant. He told me plainly, "you have not
repented of your unbelief." I sat there for a while thinking
about it. He said, "you don't believe that God will save
you." I thought some more. What he said was true and I told
him so. I told him that he was right, that I had sinned so
much that I really did not believe He would save me. I knew
I deserved nothing, that I had grieved Him so much after
coming to a knowledge of Him and who He is. I had no hope.
We talked for about two hours and then finally left after 11
o'clock.
The next night the preaching was good. After the first
speaker, it was decided to have another preacher.
God bless this dear brother, but while he often has
good messages, he is not one of my "favorite" preachers. He
is not one whom I particularly expect a blessing from or to
be used towards my salvation. As he was introduced I kind of
sat back in my chair and resigned myself to just follow along
and listen. As he began to preach, I found myself riveted to
the passage. He went over Jerimiah 29:11-14. Verse 11 is
what really struck me personally.For I know the thoughts that I think towards you,
sayeth the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of
evil, to give you an expected end.There it was! What I had doubted just the day before, I
knew was for me today! I just sat there and thought that this
is what I was looking for. It really grabbed my attention and
forced me to look at it. I must have read that passage about
ten times as I sat there. I looked up and looked around. Did
not those around me see what this passage was saying? Was
it alive to them as it was to me? I kind of could not
believe what was happening.I decided that there was something I had to do. This was my
chance to get saved. I bowed my head and prayed God to take
away that burden that was there yesterday. I decided that I
had to work up that "image" in my mind, that separation, that
sense of despair. I tried, but it would not come. I tried
more, nothing. But I believed. Was that all there was to it?
Surely I had to give him the burden. Then I slowly realized
that He took it away from me before I could offer it to Him!I told the man from Mississippi, and he rejoiced. He pointed
out things that I over looked. He asked me what I wanted
yesterday. "For this to end," I answered. He asked me what
the last part of Jer. 29:11 said. Wow! He told me how God
had worked out what I was looking for and even used a
different vessel than one that I perhaps was looking forward
to (my pastor, one of the other preachers or Dr.
Curtman).Now I understand what salvation is. It was totally of Him.
It was His timing, His vessel (preacher), His Word (Jer.
29:11) conquering my unbelief in a way that I could have
nothing to boast in!One of the best parts of all of this is that the scriptures
that applied to me when I was lost still apply to me now.
Examining myself and making my calling and election sure.
I knew that if I continued in habitual sins that this
profession too would be worthless. Well, guess what? Do
I now experience a closeness to God and victory over sin?
Just ask me! I'd love to tell you all about it!Terry Flood