Background
I grew up in a Christian home. Every Sunday and Wednesday I was in church. My parents sent me to Christian school and college. My testimony during these years was that I prayed at the age of four and asked Jesus into my heart. I remember as a child dedicating my life to God at church camp. I loved God but never knew Jesus. I became a very good Pharisee growing up. I read my Bible, prayed daily, had standards and helped in church wherever and whenever I could. All these things I did for my self-righteousness. At times I would really be convicted by a sermon or chapel message and make a decision to get rid of sinful things in my life. I would throw things away and try to start anew. I could do it for awhile but I always went back. Proverbs 26:11 "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly."
Whenever I was convicted about my salvation, I would say a prayer; "Dear Heavenly Father, if I am not saved please save me." I would trust that He saved me until I heard another sermon on being born again or faith in ones heart not head knowledge. One particular parable would make me wonder about myself. Matthew 13:1-9 is the parable of the sower. I would tell myself I was the seed that fell on the good ground and brought forth fruit. I looked at all the works that I did and would prop myself up on them. I often looked at other Christians and saw that I was not so bad. I saw the mote in everyone else's eye but failed to see the beam in my own eye. Praise the Lord that He would one day show me the beam in my eye. Our hearts truly are wicked above all. Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
My heart was very wicked. I grew flippant in my Bible knowledge. I thought I knew everything and the preaching at church and school became old hat to me. It is with shame that I admit the two messages a year I dreaded most were the Christmas and Easter messages. I remember thinking I know this already, tell me something new. I thought I loved Jesus but I did not. When I read the Bible I thought to myself that I would have done so much better than them. If I was Eve I would not have eaten the fruit, I would have believed Noah, and I would definitely stood against the crowd and yell in Christ's favor. I really was a Pharisee.
Getting Married
Well after graduating from college, I started dating a nice "Christian" man named Terry Flood. I put Christian in quotes because he thought he was a Christian for years, but had deceived himself. We got married, were good church-goers and became members of an easy-believism church. Terry and I had family devotions which usually made me upset because they always interfered with things that I wanted to do or get done.
Another thing that annoyed me when we were first married was the radio. Terry always listened to preaching and call-in shows on the Christian radio station in town. I never liked to hear preaching on the radio. I just liked preaching on Sundays and Wednesdays.
Conviction Started
I have to thank the Lord for opening my blinded eyes and showing me the beam in my own eye. One of the radio programs that my husband liked to listen to, was a call-in Q&A program. Most of the calls were questions about salvation and election. I heard the term election in college but the whole doctrine was not taught. I did not like election. I liked the fact that I chose God. The more I listened to the verses used to explain election, the more that I started to realize that salvation was all of God. I knew that God had never dealt with me.
At the same time, two other things happened to further shake my trust in my salvation . There was a prediction of Christ's return. I did not want to go to heaven at that time. I had a life to live first and also I was not sure that I would be going with Christ. The second thing, is that our pastor preached on making things right with God. He encouraged the congregation to ask God to show us sin in our life so we may repent of it . I thank God for that message because I prayed and asked God to do that very thing and He did. God showed me that everything I did in my life was wrong. I was committing sin in my heart and openly at times. They were sins that I had not realized were so wrong. The biggest sin was that I craved the things of this world. I was pretty scared about my salvation after God showed me these sins. I asked advice from friends that were Christians and they would assure me that I was saved because of this or that but I just did not have any peace. I knew that If I were to confess my sins to God ; He would forgive me. So everyday I would pray and ask God to forgive me and help me not practice them any more.
I just could not control my flesh. It got to the point where I would pray and ask God to forgive me and help me not to commit certain sins but after praying, I would already be thinking about the chance to practice the sin. I had no victory over sin.
Conviction Continued
My husband and I built a house across town, so we looked for a church closer to our house. We visited Oregon Bible Baptist and knew that was where we were to go. The pastor came to call on us shortly after our first visit. At this time God was not only working on me but on Terry as well. Pastor Rutherford told us that he did not believe in repeating a prayer for salvation. He believed that a person who is saved by God will have a changed life. He will not habitually practice sin in his life because God gives the victory over sin. Pastor Rutherford said that a saved person becomes a new creature II Corinthians 5:17 " Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."
Terry and I moved into our new house and joined Oregon Bible Baptist Church. I do not remember when it was that Pastor Rutherford read II Peter 1:10 "Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:" During the invitation I knew my calling and election was not sure. I was not ready at that time to be saved but God was working on me. Shortly after this, the church held its annual camp meeting. It is a week of preaching and praising. Terry and I had never been to a meeting like this. We really did not know what to expect. Well God had something wonderful for us that week. He made me a lost sinner by taking away the last thing I was holding onto, my husbands salvation. God used the testimony of Jim Grapp to show Terry he was not saved. When Terry told me he was not saved I could not believe it. I believed Terry was saved and would comfort myself by comparing my Christian walk with his. I did not think I was better than Terry but I thought if he had problems with sins like I did and he was saved, I must be saved to. I told Terry that I was not saved either and he said, "I know." This was the worst and best day of my life. Oh, the wonderful God that showed me that I was lost. No one can be saved unless they are lost. Jesus said over and over again that He came to save sinners not the righteous. The Pharisees had their own righteousness and did not need Jesus. That is what I had. My own righteousness.
The Final Struggle
When I found myself lost I was pretty scared. I believed the Bible and knew I was an enemy of God. I also felt that my whole life was a lie which it was. I was not sure what to do or how to act. We were all set to be saved . We drove to another church up in Michigan to go to their camp meeting; hopping to get saved. We were disappointed. Terry picked up a lot of testimonies from Jim Grapp. Most of the testimonies were from people who had been saved after already making a profession of salvation. Some where preachers and preachers wives before being saved. I read these testimonies looking for a formula to follow so I could be saved. I was not yet ready to let God do the work and trust Him.
When I did not get saved right away I started doubting that God would save me. I do not remember exactly how this verse was brought to my attention. Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" I held onto this verse and believed that God would save me.
I continued to read the Bible and pray for Gods grace. As I read the Bible God showed me who I was. Before I thought I was better then everyone but I saw that I would have done no different. I would have eaten the fruit like Eve, I would have drowned in the flood, and I would have yelled crucify him. I fell into a routine at church. Their was a problem with the nursery so pastor decided to just let the mothers watch their own babies. I was stuck in the nursery with my daughter most every service. I really did not mind. I liked talking with the other woman and not listening to the preaching. The heart is desperately wicked .
The End...
The next camp meeting was coming. I was looking forward to it with the hope that God would save me. I knew that God uses preaching and his word to bring salvation. I asked a young girl to watch Elizabeth for me so I could listen to the preaching. Monday night, Pastor Melvin Biggs preached on the woman taken in adultery in John 8:1-11. I listened as hard as I could; looking for God to use this message to save me. Nothing happened. Later that night when I was thinking over the scriptures, John 8:11 struck me "She said, No man, Lord, and Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go and sin no more." God showed me that I really did not want to give up the world. I did not want to sin any more. I loved my sins. I told Terry this and went to bed in agony.
I went to the next two meetings not expecting much. Thursday morning's meeting started the same. I just half listened to the preaching. The preacher was going through the book of Joshua, chapter by chapter. I remember him talking about following God; taking the cross of Christ and following him. The invitation song was "The Old Rugged Cross." I stood and started singing like usual. I thought to myself that God was not going to save me that day. All of a sudden a struggle started with in me. I can not really explain it. I knew that God was there telling me to go and follow him. I was crying uncontrollably and knew I was to do something. I just stood in my place waiting for it to pass, but at the same time I did not want to miss God's moving. I knew that Fay, our pastor's wife was sitting behind me so I asked Terry if she was still there. He said no but that I should go find her. I left my seat and the struggle stopped immediately and I started to pray and ask God to forgive me of my sins but my prayers did not seem to be going anywhere. The work was already done. God had broken my heart. The burden had been lifted. I found Fay and she went with me to the alter and I prayed and thanked God for saving me. Salvation is all of God. It is His work and His grace. I can truly say that I have a new life in Christ and that old things are passed away and all things have become new, just like II Corinthians 5:17 says!
I hope that my testimony will be a help to any one that
has questions about their salvation.
Gwendolyn Flood