Dedication

 

 

 

            The inspiration for everything that I have ever written or shared about Tantra is, has been and always will be my lover, soul mate and friend, Todd, who left our dimension in 1994. He was 34 years old. I wish that I could say that he died in my arms, but the truth is he vanished from my life just before he died. It took me years to forgive him for pushing me away, and it has taken even longer for me to forgive myself for not having the power to save his life. I never wanted him to go away, and I could not imagine the world without him in it.

            Todd was a speed addict. When we met, he had been sober for five years. Just before he died, he decided to go back to using speed, because he was dying and he didn’t want to deal with the feelings, the fear, or the pain. I told him then that I would be sure to smile at him as he passed me on the street, but I couldn’t play a role in his self-destruction.

            I have no idea what Todd’s real name was. He was a wanted man and a prostitute, so he had more pseudonyms than I can recall. He had been a drug dealer, a bank robber, and a holy terror at large. His life was a fascinating and cautionary tale of things not to do. He was in the first wave of men to become diagnosed with AID’s when he was barely twenty years old. He decided to party until he died, and when he started to die, life became the most precious thing he wanted most. By then it was too late.

            When I remember Todd, I see an angelic boy with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his soft lips. When we slept together nestled like spoons, everything was perfect, and the outside world couldn’t penetrate the cocoon of light that surrounded us through the night. One night while I was holding Todd and feeling the fear of death consuming him, I wished with all my heart and soul that the love I felt for him could fly out of my hands and into his body to heal him. That is what led me to Tantra.

            I became obsessed with finding a way to bring an awareness and understanding of sex as the essence of life to the gay community to heal the impact of death that AID’s had brought upon us. I wanted to make a difference.

            What I have learned through Tantra is that I cannot “save” anyone. Tantra is a path of transformation. Tantra is a path of embracing transformation in love and stepping away from resisting change through fear. When I share and teach Tantra, I cannot interfere with anyone’s free will. I can restore life force energy where it has been depleted, and I can help people see the changes they need to make to embrace transformation with love. I can essentially show you to the door, but only you can choose to step through the door.

            I feel Todd as a loving presence in my life everyday, although it is never the same as having him here in the flesh, in many ways his presence is his absence, which has only made my heart grow fonder.

            I see this as an even darker time for the gay community than the days before the drug cocktails when men like Todd died in a matter of months, weeks, and even days. Complacency has risen up among many, and drugs like crystal meth are directly related to a rise in unsafe sex and new HIV infections along with syphilis and other venereal diseases. Perhaps this is our darkest hour yet. Time will certainly tell. The madness of conversion parties where men intentionally infect themselves with HIV believing the cocktail has made the symptoms of the disease obsolete is an insanity that I find incomprehensible. I will continue to fight for life.

            We have got to have hope. I can hear Todd whispering to me, “just tell them to hang on. No matter how crazy it gets, no matter how dark it gets, how frightened you are, or even when you don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other anymore, just keep going.”

            Somehow, I will keep my heart open against all odds, and I know that I am not alone. We are not alone. We’ve got to find each other and hold on through all of this crazy shit and make it through the night.