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My Diary- 2000

January 25 It's been very busy for me since I last wrote in here, so here's a brief summary. First of all, my application to the MIS program is complete and I should hear within the next week or two if I've been accepted or not. Second, I've gotten another part-time job in another campus office, so that our money situation will not be so tight. And third and most important, I was able to have a long talk with my wife about my transgender needs, and help her to understand how important they are to me. It was really emotional for us, but we were able to talk out a lot of things, fears, and needs for both of us. I'm going to go to counseling to help me sort things out, and will be able to express it more openly around her. The first thing that we agreed I could do was to shave my legs, which I did this morning for the first time in seven years! YEAH!

January 31 Big news! I got accepted to the MIS program! So we'll be here two more years at least, and I have the hope of getting a decent job when I finish. As far as my gender dysphoria goes, I'll try to take things one step at a time so that I don't go overboard and do things too quickly for either of us. This week (and I'm sure you're just dying to here this), I'm polishing my toenails and getting the first installment on my clothing allowance when I get paid at the end of the week. Actually, my wife never minded the toenail polish so much, but she did like to be warned about it. I don't think she really likes surpises; she tends to be a planner and likes to have everyting neatly laid out beforehand.

February 11 I can see that I'll be updating this less often! For one thing, I've started work at my second job, so I've got 30 hours a week total. Plus the one class I'm taking means I don't have that much free time, either for updating my pages, chatting online, or dressing. But I did have my first gender counselling session this week on Tuesday, and I think it went really well. More of a "let's get to know each other" type of thing, but (despite a little initial nervousness) I felt really comfortable opening up and talking about my life, my gender feelings, my relationship, and my sexuality. My wife will be coming to next week's session, and from there we'll see how it goes- it's all very open-ended. In some ways, my wife and I have different goals for this counselling; she wants me to find the minimum level of femininity that will make me reasonably happy so that we can be together and both be happy, while I want to find the level of femininity that will make me the happiest and hope that it will not be more than she can handle. So far, we've had our ups and downs trying to deal with things these past two weeks, but I think we understand each other's positions a little better. Otherwise, I haven't really done anything to advance what femininity I'm expressing, it can wait until after we've been to counselling together. After that, I will steadily increase what I do until I have a clearer picture of just how far I need to go.

February 16 We had our counselling session yesterday, or I should say, S- had her counselling session. Since it was her first time, she needed to spend some time by herself with the counsellors and it ended up being most of the session; I ended up reading magazines in the waiting room. She really needed someone to listen to her and to tell her that her feelings are understandable and normal, and she liked the head counsellor; Carol is her name and she's associated with the Kinsey Institute which is here on the IU campus. Carol also has a graduate student of hers attending as well, whose name is Mary. I myself feel more comfortable, I think, talking to a woman about this than I would with a man. One of the things we've been discussing is whether or not we should still be trying to have a baby; since S- has very irregular cycles and is not very fertile, we haven't been using any protection for several years now. We both have mixed feelings about the possibility of her getting pregnant; both of us can see that it would not be a good idea right now, but she desperately wants a baby, because she's always wanted to have a baby. Plus she would then have something of me even if I went away. For me, the need to have a child is not so desperate, but I want to give S- what she wants so much, and possibly to leave her with something so that she wouldn't be alone if I left her. Her fear has always been that she would lose me over this; she's afraid that there will come a time when I'll want to do something to take my femininity to a new level that will be more than she can deal with. This morning she seemed sure that this would happen eventually, and I couldn't really comfort her because sometimes I think that it may be inevitable as well. We have another session next week, so we'll see what happens then; maybe it would be better to make a break now rather than prolong the inevitable. I don't want to hurt S- or be responsible for destroying all her hopes and dreams, but I don't want to spend my life living in a little box marked "husband" just to keep her happy. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's happiness, just for my own.

February 23 Yesterday's counselling session went quite well for both of us; we spent the time learning new communications skills and talking about how we felt about having a baby and about how well we had been communicating before. We both said that we still wanted a baby, and I said that I did want to stay with her. We both want to figure out a way to stay together with both of us being happy, though we know that in the end it might not be possible; but we're both willing to work for it. We're to practice our communication skills this week, taking turns being the one to start the conversation, with me being the first one to go. I'm going to start tonight, with the subject of the possible next steps I should take to explore my femininity; such as shaving more of my body, joining the Indy support group, using clear polish on my fingernails, getting some women's sleepwear (as in plain satin nightshirts or pj's- nothing frilly). Also when I might take a little time to go shopping, since I've gotten two allowances now, totalling $40. We'll see how it goes from there.

March 2 No counselling session this week; Carol had no open slots. Things have been up and down again for S- and I. We've practiced our communication exercise 3 times so far, so it's her turn next. We did talk about the next steps I might take in feminization- chest OK to shave but not arms (which I did on Tuesday)- other things still ambivalent on. She is still worried that I'll never get to a place that is comfortable to me without wanting to take it further, and I could only say that I wouldn't know until I got there. Needless to say, that did not comfort her; she wants her future planned out, and she thinks that it's her turn to fulfill her dreams since she put up with me and my schooling. I'll probably wait until our next counselling session before I do anything drastic. We're going to a Mardi Gras party at church this Friday, so I wouldn't want to spoil that. After that, I think I will go shopping this weekend, as I get my allowance this week, and probably will use some clear nail polish on my fingernails on Monday. We didn't discuss the sleepwear, so that is iffy for the near future. One of my best on-line friends, Gaby Romani, is planning on visiting Indy at the end of March, so when her plans are firm I'll bring up the subject of going out enfemme. At this point I think maybe I should tell her what I'm doing and not ask as if I need her permission. One other thing happened last weekend- I broke off part of a molar eating potato chips, and had to go to the dentist to get it filled on Tuesday; so my mouth is still a little sore. Work hasn't changed any, and my one class is going fine; we have a take-home midterm due next week. Spring Break will be the week after next, and I think I'll use part of that time to clean out my "office" space on campus; basically a table in a labroom with a bunch of my papers and books on it. Then at the end of the semester I can turn in my keys and not have anything to do with archaeology for awhile! Just a nice Master's to say that I accomplished something.

March 9My relationship with S- keeps on evolving; most of the counselling session this week focused on her and her reactions to things in general. When I did talk about some of my feelings it upset her, because there were things that she didn't want to hear. For example; on Sunday while she was busy at church, I took the time to go shopping and got two new outfits on clearnce. The day before I had told her that I was going to be doing this, and it triggered a negative reaction from her about how she couldn't enjoy shopping anymore because of her weight and how it was hard to find things that fit and how guilty she felt spending money on things she didn't need and she didn't think I understood how much money my allowance was going to add up to over the course of a year. For the most part I didn't say anything then, but I brought it up in counselling about how it felt to me like she was attacking me when I was trying to be open about what I was doing, and that it made me a bit angry since I hadn't gotten a new outfit since we've been in Indiana. Turns out that my saying that I got angry with her made her afraid that my resentment would start building up and that I would leave her! I keep forgetting how insecure she really is. We had a long talk that night, and I tried to be honest with how strong my gender feelings are, which scared her more, but in the end brought us closer together. She doesn't want to leave me, whatever happens, and I don't want her to leave.

March 13This was an interesting weekend, full of ups and downs. S- has rather been pressuing me to decide whether or not I want to get a sex change, so that she can get on with her life and not have this uncertainty hanging over her. I can see her point, but this is definately a decision one doesn't want to rush! I basically have to decide whether I would be happier with her and live as a man who cross-dresses occasionally, or without her as a woman. At this point I really don't know; I think I would prefer to live as a woman AND live with her. In order to help me decide, she suggested that I try spending some time up in Indy living completely as a woman, so I told her about Gaby's trip at the end of March, and we decided that I would spend the weekend of March 24-26 up in Indy. I'm really looking forward to the trip, because I think I'll enjoy myself, I really want to meet Gaby, and I think it will help me to sort out my feelings. I've never had the chance to live en femme for that leangth of time; even when I was living alone, I never had the time for even a weekend to try it, and I still hadn't worked up my courage, or perfected my look enough to be comfortable being Kendra in public. But now I think I'm ready! I'm sure we'll discuss this at the counselling session tommorrow; we'll see how that goes because S- was unhappy with the way things went last week- she felt almost like she was being ganged up on because the session focused mostly on her feelings and the way she reacts to things. I'll try and see that that doesn't happen this week and that I speak up more and share my thoughts and feelings.

March 15Our counselling session got cancelled yesterday, which kinda dissappointed me but also means that I don't have to make any firm decisions regarding my gender dysphoria yet. I talked some with Gaby yesterday, and she's still working out her plans, but said it might be possible for us to share a room so as to keep costs down. She was thinking about staying with a gg friend of hers who knows her as Gaby and has a cousin who wanted to meet her. She said that she'd see if this friend would like to meet me and I thought that that sounded great. Saturday night looks like a girl's night out with a number of other cross-dressers from Indy; some I've met on-line like Ginny and Jo, and others I've seen their webpages like Cindy and Sheela. I'm soooo looking forward to this, to be able to get out of the closet and stretch my wings as Kendra! Yesterday I spent most of the day en femme, though with a break in the middle to go to work; and I felt sad at having to get back into male mode. I wonder if that means I'm really a transsexual, or if I've just kept it inside too long, although it's not like I haven't been cross-dressing this last few years. I won't make any decision until I get back from my trip to Indy and discuss things with S- and my therapist.

March 27 My trip to Indy went off as planned, and S- was able to get away for the weekend as well; a friend of hers from work was planning a trip to St. Louis and asked her along. I drove up on Friday after S- got back from work and met Gaby at the hotel. I changed quickly into a blouse and jeans and we went out to dinner at the Lone Star Steakhouse. We turned in early because we were going to have a long day on Saturday. In the morning we went down to Circle Center first, walked around a bit and took some pictures, though we did get read once. We then decided to go to Greenwood Mall because Gaby wanted to get a blouse to go with her outfit for that evening, and the stores at Circle Center were too expensive. We ended up getting lost as we tried to head back south and drove around awhile before we were able to find our way back near our hotel (which was just north of Greenwood Mall). So we spent about a half hour at the Mall, Gaby got her blouse and I got some earrings, and I also tried on a few dresses but didn't find one that fit nicely. Actually, at both places we seemed to be a bit over-dressed, though Gaby had on a sundress and I had on a light skirt and a sweater & camisole; all the women seemed to be wearing jeans and sweatshirts or t-shirts! And these are fairly upscale malls! We got back to our hotel room around 2, because we were expecting Breanna, Cindy, and Ginny to arrive sometime after that; Gaby had reserved the room next to ours for them, though she couldn't get two connecting rooms because the place had filled up with people coming up for the high school basketball championships (I'm sure we had somepeople wondering what was going on with us). Ginny showed up first, with Cristy in tow (both in drab); they got the other room and went over to get ready for dinner at a place Ginny got reservations for us at 8. Breanna and Cindy showed up next a bit before 4, while Gaby and I were getting ready for dinner (so we could go next door and chat with the others). Cindy is a GG who is Chasey's girlfriend; she decided to come though Chasey was away in Denver for a Vanity Club convention. So they went next door while Gaby and I finished, and we had a good time talking while the others got dressed. Gaby actually decided to change what she was going to wear, so I sat around for the most part while the others took their time getting ready; all I did was touch up my make-up and change into a nice blouse and skirt. Anyway, we left at 7:30 for the restaurant, (which has a large gay clientel), and waited for Sheela and Courtney to show up (who are both TS's). We had a very nice dinner, then at about 10 went to a club that has a drag show. We stayed for about an hour and a half before we got tired of the show and went to a different gay & lesbian club so that we could dance. Sheela and Courtney actually left before we did. You can only take so much lip-sync before it becomes kinda boring. But we stayed for quite awhile at the other club and did a lot of dancing which was very fun. It was nearing 2 when we left for our hotel. We all went into the other room to chat for awhile longer, after Gaby and I changed into more comfortable clothes. We went to bed at a quarter to four, and Cristy left at the same time to go home. Sunday morning I changed back into drab for the first time that weekend, and packed everything up. Gaby and I went next door again to chat with Ginny, Breanna and Cindy before we both left, Gaby at about 10 and me at 10:30. I got home around noon, unpacked and waited for S- to get back, which she did around 3. During the weekend as a whole, I can't say that I ever felt excited about what I was doing, though I enjoyed myself very much. It was more along the lines of relief, along with some feelings of vulnerability as if I was missing some sort of barrier. I just felt happy being myself, and then rather sad at having to go back to my "real" life. I was happy to see S- when she got back, but I guess it didn't show much, because she got upset and said that she was expaecting me to at least smile at her when she came in. I think part of the problem was that I was very tired and also a little apprehensive about how she would be reacting and feeling when she came home.