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My Diary; 1999

Oct. 21 Work has been going slowly on my proposal; I can only work on it for an hour or two at a time before I start losing my concentration and I have to do something else for a bit. But I am getting it done bit by bit. I did polish my toenails, and have ended up getting a rather chilly attitude from my wife. Mostly, I think, because I didn't ask her or tell her first. But she's made it clear she doesn't like to know about my dressing so I doubt that it would have changed her attutude any. And besides, I don't like feeling that I have to ask "permission" before I can do anything like that. It's not as if I haven't done my toenails before, just that it's been awhile since I've done it. On the costume front, I've checked out a few used clothing stores without finding anything; there are two more that may have something, which I'll check out tomorrow.

Oct. 22 I've finished the rough draft for my proposal; 5 pages single-spaced, no references. I'll let my advisor have it on Monday so he can critique it. I think I'll also give it to one of the other members on my committe to see what SHE thinks! I wasn't able to find anything at the stores I went to, so halloween may be a bust this year. They had lots of 60's and 70' clothes, but no 50's. Maybe I should go as a Mod Chick instead, I've already got boots that would work. We'll see, but it's less than a week away so I'd better decide quick.

Oct. 29 It's been a busy week, and things didn't really go the way I had planned, though not really in a bad way. I decided to meet with one of my other professors first, to get her help on my proposal. We talked about alot of things, and I gave her my first draft to go over. Until then, I'm going to re-read all of the articles that I do have to refresh my memory. We'll be meeting weekly to go over my work. I've written up a progress report for my advisor (whom I do not really get along with) which I'll give to him today or Monday. I've set a date of Nov. 22 to finish the damn thing. I've pretty much decided that once I get this part over with, I'll apply for a Master's and not worry about getting a PhD. I've been looking into a Master's program in Information Science that sounds interesting, doable, and (most importantly) marketable. There really aren't that many academic jobs to go around, and until you get tenure, don't pay that well either. As far as the situation with my wife has been going, we always seem to have to many other things going on to be able to sit down and talk about my gender dysphoria. I also haven't had the chance to look anymore for a halloween costume, and anyway, I wouldn't want to just spring that on my wife without talking it over with her; ditto for shaving my legs. I'm sure it will be soon though, I painted my toenails again yesterday and that will probably be the catalyst for the disscussion. And this time I told her I was doing it first. She thought that meant I wouldn't get any work done, but I spent most of the day at the computer writing. I think she envisions me prancing around the apartment all day, trying on outfit after outfit. If I was an ordinary transvestite, she might have been right; but I'm a transgendered androgyne (I got an 85 on Jennifer Rietz' COGIATI). I just put on normal women's clothes, jeans and a short-sleeved knit top, plain underwear & falsies and didn't even bother with make-up. That's what I like to do, just dress as a normal woman.

Nov. 9 It's been a little while since I've written here, so here's the scoop. My advisor seemed pleased with my progress report, though he didn't say much about it, as usual. He's the "throw you into the deep end of the pool" type of teacher. My meeting with my other professor went well, she gave me a lot of good advise on what was missing from my proposal, complete with notes on the draft I gave her. I haven't really done any work on it though. I know I'm capable of doing it, but I can't shake the feeling that it would be useless to try, since what would I do with this Master's anyway?. I know a lot of my depression comes from my gender dysphoria, but I don't really know what to do about it. I had left some information and books out for my wife to see in the spare bedroom, to try and have it available to her without forcing it on her. But she got upset when she found it because I didn't tell her I was going to do it beforehand! She says she's under too much stress right now from her job to deal with my cross-dressing, but it seems to me that she's always been stressed out about something or other, because she's a perfectionist and a worrier. It's made me blue enough that she's noticed, but we haven't really talked about it yet. I know she thinks I'm selfish for wanting to push this, but I feel at the end of my rope- the only time I feel halfway decent is when I'm dressed as a woman.

Nov. 10 I had a talk with my wife last night. She had been feeling the distance growing between us the last few days and got me a beautiful card to say how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. She said she did accept me as who I am, but that she still needed me to be patient with her about her becoming more deeply invloved with my cross-dressing. She reminded me that I had been dealing with it all of my life, and that she had only been dealing with it for a few years. She also said that there was a lot more about me than just my cross-dressing. What could I say to that? I told her that I did love her and that I would try to not be impatient with her. I will warn her before I do anything that would bring my cross-dressing to her attention. I think I still need to talk with her about three issues/needs that I have (hopefully tommorrow night since we'll be busy tonight); 1) My getting a small allowance for clothes and make-up. 2) Being allowed to shave at least my legs in the not-to-distant future. 3) Joining the support group in Indianapolis. We'll see how it goes. I do love her and don't want to hurt her, but I need to feel comfortable with myself, and at this point, I really don't.

Nov. 12 I chickened out and didn't talk with my wife about my TG needs because of to many other things going on, especially this weekend, and I didn't want to rock the boat. Maybe Sunday or Monday night. Although I really should get cracking on my proposal, my self-imposed deadline is a week from Monday, and I have to get something in! But my motivation is so low right now, I don't seem to care about anything. It's strange that I can talk about all these things here (and basically share them with the world) but not talk about them with my wife. On the up side, my nails have been coming along nicely and are getting fairly long. I've been filing them to shape them and they look pretty good; haven't tried polishing them yet, 'cause I'd just have to take it off before my wife saw it. I'll do it the next time I'm ready to take some pics.

Nov. 24 It's been awhile since I've written here, but I've been very busy lately. I finished the latest version of my dissertation proposal and handed it in to my advisor and the professor who was helping me with it. I'll meet with both of them (seperately) after Thanksgiving to here their critiques. I think this time the basic concept is sound and the methodology much improved, but I skimped on the background & previous research. It was only 17 pages long as opposed to the 50 pager that had gotten torn to shreads, but I think it's a lot more focused. We'll see, 'cause bottom line is, I don't give a damn about it any more. Also after Thanksgiving, I'll be sending in my application for the MIS program and asking people to give me letters of recommendation. I think I've got an excellent chance of being admitted because of my high grades in grad school and high GRE scores. Really, it's been the dissertation proposal that's been my nemesis, though I started losing my passion for archaeology during my last year of coursework. On other fronts, I still haven't had a talk with my wife because I was too busy writing and I wanted our Thanksgiving to be pleasent. She had been bugging me about my fingernails getting long, so I went ahead and trimmed them. Actually, Andrea James has the same advise on her page about not giving out clues before you are ready to transition (like having long nails) so I figured I'd just have to put up with relatively short nails. I'm not sure when I'm going to have things out with my wife; she only seems happy when I'm acting like a "normal" husband. Since her Father is coming to visit us for Christmas, I may not be able to bring up my gender dysphoria until January, even though my feelings are getting stronger all the time. On the other hand, I don't want to spring a whole bunch of stuff on her at once either, and would like to discuss at least part of my feelings before then. I can't keep putting things off, and I think I'm going to need counseling about the whole thing very soon.

Dec. 3 Things are looking up; I've gotten all of my application materials for the MIS program in, now we just have to wait and see if I'll be accepted. I also got to dress en femme for most of yesterday, which really lifted my spirits. Still haven't talked with my advisor about my proposal yet, maybe we can set up a time next week. I'll tell him then that I am not planning on completing my PhD and want to finish with a Master's. If my present proposal is good enough for that then there's no problem, it'll just be paperwork. If the proposal still needs work, I'll try and get it up to snuff next semester. If he wants me to re-take the qualifying exam, I'll just say "no thanks, been good to know ya". I'm not that desirous of getting the Master's that I'll put myself through that again! Getting this resolved has been a big load off of my mind. So has deciding not to push things with my wife as far as my gender expression goes until January. If it comes up naturally, that's fine, and I'll try and talk some things out with her. If not, then it can wait until after the craziness of the holidays are done.

Dec. 8 I've just finished talking with my advisor about my future, and he has no problem signing off on a Master's for me with the work I've completed already; so all that has to be done is get the paperwork together. Tommorrow I'll try and get the forms from the graduate secretary and then get them filled out and signed within the next week or two. He'll be off in the field most likely from January to March, so it'll be a good idea to get his signature before he leaves. Then I can turn them in at my leisure, because I still need to be registered for next semester. At work, I've been putting in extra hours which should continue for the rest of the week, so I won't be in the chat rooms as often.

Dec. 15 Still busy at work, and then when things calm down there, the holidays will be in full swing! *sigh* I had a bad day yesterday; I had decided that it was about time to take some new pictures and had some time yesterday morning to do it. So I got myself ready, picked out some outfits, got the first one on and was going to start out with some close-ups. Then I noticed I had't done my nails, so I tried to rush them and ended up getting polish on my fingers and smearing the nails. After I had gotten cleaned up, I went to take the first pics. I had already set up the camera on its tripod when I accidentally knocked it over moving into position! Result: a tripod with a broken leg. OK, so I prop up the tripod and keep going. Then the timer starts to go out on me and won't take the pictures! I may have gotten two or three shots but by this time I was getting so frustrated that I just said the heck with it. The morning was wearing on and I had to get to work at noon anyway. I ended up tossing the film because I didn't want to go through the trouble of developing it for just a couple of shots, though I suppose I should have kept it so that I could have gotten something out of the session. That was my only roll of film, too. Took off my clothes and make-up, got back into drab, had lunch, then spent the afternoon at work. Probably won't even get the chance to really dress up until January now. GRRRRR.

Dec. 20 This will probably be my last entry for the year. Tommorrow my father-in-law arrives for the holidays and will be staying through the new year. So Kendra will have to go back into the closet for awhile. I have to work all of today but will get a last chance to dress tommorrow morning. I'll be working full-time the first two weeks in January as well, so this will be the last oportunity for me for at least a month. After that, I'll be taking one class next semester and looking for another part-time job to suppliment our income. If there's been one constant with my wife, it's been that she's worried about money and we never have enough to make her feel secure. I think I never had much of a chance to succeed as an archaeologist because it would have been too insecure for her, besides the fact that I would have to have been so involved in it that there wouldn't have been much time for us to be together by ourselves. Still, it's not that important for me anymore to be an archaeologist; and being able to contribute more and feel I have some leverage with her about are finances mean that I am not doing this just to please her.

Dec. 30 OK, so I did get a chance to get out of the closet before the new year; my father-in-law left yesterday. I spent most of the day yesterday and today enfemme. I've also spent most of that time figuring out our new computer; a Gateway Essential 450. So now I can get online at home again and not just in one of the computer labs on campus. It'll also be helpful with my class next semester and (hopefully) the MIS program next year.