Okay, that might work for Kevin, or even for my other brother, Brian, but I can't do that. Mainly because I didn't want to look like a charity case, but most importantly because I take advanced dance class and it's filled only with Socs. They don't bother me much, since I'm just a dumb kid to them, and I don't bother them at all, so it works out evenly.

I guess I could have asked Wade, my dance teacher, for a ride, but I felt a little weird having him see my house and all. It's not that I'm ashamed of my house or anything, but its a little run down and I think Wade was kind of scared the last time he took me home.

All the guys had been hanging out at our house, like they normally did and they kind of crowded around the car when they saw it was me in there. They can be a little intimidating sometimes. He hadn't wanted to leave me, he didn't want to go until Brian or Kevin came home, but I assured him that it was all right and he finally let me get out. He hadn't offered me a ride home since, and I didn't ask. Some things a guy is weird about, y'know?

Anyway, this wasn't helping me get a ride. We only live like four blocks from the gym, but in this neighborhood, four blocks can mean so much. Especially if you're a greaser like me.

In this world there are only two ways of being, you're either a greaser or a soc. Soc is short for socials-the rich kids that live on the other side of town. Socs have the best cars, the best girls, the best everything. We greasers live on the wrong side of town, have bad reps and never get a fair deal in life. Everyone's always against us, and we have to make our own luck in this shitty world. At least that's what A.J. told me. I think I kind of disagree with him, but I'm just a kid so what do I know?

I was about a block from my house; I could even see the vacant lot that sat directly in front of our porch, when I noticed them. The car full of Socs had passed by me once before turning and cruising the block a second time. When they made the U-turn and began to follow slowly behind me, I began to get worried.

A greaser walking alone at night was just asking for trouble. Which is the whole reason Kevin told me to bum a ride off someone. As usual I made the wrong decision and he was going to rub it in my face.

It never ceased to amaze him that I got good grades in school and was in all honor's classes. When my teachers would go on and on about how smart I was he would stand there with a dazed look on his face.

"I don't understand how someone as smart as you can be so dumb. When are you going to start using your head, Nick?"

That was just the thing; I mean to use my head all the time. I just simply forget to use it.

Like, I didn't forget that I was a greaser when I left practice, but I was so happy to leave and just go home and, I don't know sleep maybe, that I rushed out and started walking before I realized that it was 10:30 and I had to go home alone. I could have asked Brian to meet me afterwards, but he would have brought Lance and Lance kind of freaks me out. He was always so...distant, like he'd look straight through you or something. And I know Chris would have met me if I'd asked him to 'cause Chris is always good about things like that, but I forgot. Like Kevin said, I just don't use my head.

As I thought of all this the car had stopped and the five Socs jumped out and were trailing behind me. I stopped and kind of stiffened up, hunching my back and glaring, allowing them to confine me in a circle. Like I said, I just don't think.

I looked around for a weapon, but for some reason the streets were clean, no bottles or trash or anything, which was weird since there was always trash in the gutters somewhere. I didn't have my blade on me, I'd busted mine yesterday and Brian said he'd get me a new one, but Brian tended to have the attention span of a gnat and I forgot and so there I was.

I feinted to a boy on the left and broke through on the right, trying to run home, but they caught me, dragging me down to the ground. Two sat on my arms and two sat on my legs while the fifth straddled my hips. I bucked; squirming, trying to get away and the one straddling my hips began to hit me, cursing at me softly.

When I stopped wiggling, blinking the blood out of my eyes, he smiled at me, two rows of sharp, little teeth gleaming at me under the light from the street lamp we were under.

"Need a haircut, greaser?" he whispered, pulling out a 6" blade for me to inspect.

My eyes rounded as I began to thrash harder screaming at the top of my lungs, "Brian! Kevin! Howie-anybody! Help!"

And I know it was a sissy thing to do but I'm only 15 and there were five of them, plus a knife. And my best friend, Howie, had just got jumped a couple weeks ago and they cut him up real bad. I might not use my head well but I sure know how to use my mouth to holler.

So I was screaming at the top of my lungs and then someone hit me upside my head and I saw stars.

I blinked dazedly as someone else muttered, "Shut him up, dammit! My Dad's going to kill me if I get arrested before the big game!"

"How?"

"I don't know, cover his mouth or something."

And then there was a dirty hand covering my mouth and I remembered A.J. telling Howie and me once all the things people did with their hands before shaking hands with someone they didn't like and I bit down hard, not letting go even when the person was screaming and they were hitting him again.

There was loud yelling and the boys jumped up and I must have lost it or something because people were jumping over me and yelling and I could hear feet running and the sound of tires squealing. I just lay there, trying to get my head right since that guy had hit me pretty hard.

Suddenly big, hard hands grabbed me and lifted me up and I didn't need to look to know who it was and I was crying. Not huge sobs like some girl, but there were tears on my cheeks and I wouldn't have known that if he hadn't been shaking me and I felt the air on my face and realized it wasn't raining or anything.

"Stop shaking me, Kevin! I'm alright," I managed to get out between my rattling teeth. Suddenly the shaking stopped and he let go and I had to grab his arm real quick or I would have fallen again.

"Sorry," Kevin said after helping me back down into a sitting position against the red brick wall behind us. I nodded, watching as he jammed his hands into his pockets.

"It's okay," I said without looking at him. Kevin didn't mean that he was sorry, he was never sorry for any of the things he did, but he tried to be polite and if lying meant being polite then he was all for it. I sighed shakily, still looking at the ground.

"You okay?" I looked up into soft brown eyes and tried to smile.

"Yeah, I'm cool," I answered, nodding my head and trying to hide my trembling. Howie looked at me steadily but didn't say anything as he sat down next to me and offered me a cigarette. I accepted it gratefully, needing something to calm my nerves.

"And don't come back!" I heard a yell and looked up, watching as four guys turned and loped back towards us.

Four tough, hard looking men, they were part of our "gang." A.J. was the only one that called it a gang and no one argued with A.J. when he got that gleam in his eye so we left it alone. Really they were the boys in the neighborhood that we'd grown up with and they were more my brothers' friends than mine but in this neighborhood every friend counted and you stuck together, no matter what. They were always there for me and at this moment they looked like heroes riding to my rescue and if I'd ever quit crying then maybe I'd be grateful and tuff-

"Are you crying?" Kevin demanded, squinting at me.

He was standing over top of me blocking the streetlight, so it was hard to see. I hurriedly wiped my eyes.

"No, I just, I got something in my eyes is all."

"They got away, the no-good-" A.J. proceeded to call the five escapees every name he knew; complete with hand gestures and exaggerated eye movements.

"Very attractive Bone," Brian laughed, dropping down on my other side and hugging me to him.

"You okay, baby?" he whispered in my ear and I wanted to curl up in his lap and bawl harder because he was so nice.

Brian was always like that, sweet, tender. Kevin was always harsh and jerky and we never saw things the same way. Like just now when he grabbed me and shook me so hard my teeth rattled and my eyes crossed when all I really wanted was a hug. But Kevin didn't give hugs and you don't cry in front of Kevin, so I wiped my eyes and nodded.

"The kid okay?" Chris asked, still glaring in the direction the car had driven off in.

Even serious you couldn't erase the laugh lines around his mouth. Chris' mother used to say that he came out cracking jokes and he was so annoying that the doctor threatened to stuff him back in and seal him shut forever. Only Chris would be enormously proud of that fact, but Chris was like that. Always grinning, a joke, a thought, a wisecrack never far from his lips and the boy couldn't stay serious for two minutes straight, no matter what. He couldn't even manage it at my Mom and Dad's funeral, and nobody loved Mom and Dad more than Chris.

Except, well, I turned my eyes to A.J. as he bummed a cigarette off of Howie, letting his fingers linger for a moment.

If Chris was always grinning, then A.J. was always scowling. Never happy with what life had to offer, A.J. had set out to make his own destiny. He'd run away from his home in New York where he ran with a wild gang that fought with guns and knives and put you away forever in jail. Sometimes he'd tell me and Howie stories about his past, but only when he was really drunk and Kevin was asleep.

A.J. was a good guy though, and extremely loyal and he was fucking my best friend, so I had to love him. No one was surprised when we walked in on Howie sitting in A.J.'s lap, their faces together as their mouths meshed, making them, if only temporarily, one. Howie had had a case of hero worship since forever and A.J. had a soft spot for Howie, so it worked out evenly.

A.J. tried to deny it and flirted and teased and pretty much went about his normal business, but A.J. was wrapped around Howie's finger. They were cute together, not that I'd say that in front of A.J. I liked my teeth in my mouth, thank you very much.

"I'm not a kid and I'm fine," I said loudly, impatient with myself and with all of them treating me like a child.

When we had found Howie he hadn't cried and he had a better reason to cry than I did.

"We heard you, man. Chill." A.J. blew smoke in Chris' face, causing the younger man to choke and wheeze like he was dying and then they were both laughing and Kevin was smirking and I thought things were going to be alright until-

"What were you doing walking home by yourself anyway?" Lance's green, green eyes pierced me as his soft, deep voice cut through the laughter and caused the frown to appear back on Kevin's face, deeper and sterner this time.

I felt myself grow cold as I stared at Brian's boyfriend and wondered again for the millionth time what my brother saw in him. Lance was pretty, he had spiky blonde hair, big, soulful green eyes and a voice that made you want to strip yourself naked and hump him to death, but his personality left me cold.

Extremely polite. I mean, he's way worse than Kevin, and he 's so distant and always looking down his nose at me. I think he's just jealous that Brian always invites me out with them when he just wants it to be the two of them, but I go anyway since I sometimes get bored. Hey, I don't ask. Brian always asks me and I'll be darned if I turn down a night out at the movies just because Lance wants to get it on with my brother! Besides, Brian could do so much better than him. Lance was mean and a bully and always finding ways to get him in trouble.

"Yeah, what were you doing out here by yourself?" Kevin asked, his glare laser beaming me to the ground.

I flushed as the other guys looked away, not willing to get in the middle of one of me and Kevin's many daily battles. Kevin and me hardly ever see things the same way. We tend to end up shouting in each other's faces, Brian pulling me away before we can get into an intense shoving match. It hasn't come to blows, but I think that's because Brian normally drags me away.

"I was at dance practice," I mumbled, looking down at my worn shoes. "And I didn't think-"

"You didn't think?! Nick, do you ever think?" Kevin ran an agitated hand through his hair.

"You should have asked one of us to meet you, Nicky," Brian said softly. "Me and Lance would have come."

I looked up into Lance's vague eyes and snorted inwardly. Yeah, Brian would have forgotten and Lance wouldn't remind him until he'd gotten off and then I'd be stuck at the gym for like 4 hours before anyone came and got me. No thanks.

I'm not a charity case, at least not yet. And as long as I have two feet I'll be able to get myself home just fine. Even if I did almost get jumped.

"He didn't ask because he didn't think! Or he forgot! I swear, Nickolas, I sometimes wonder if you're too dumb to form a coherent thought by yourself"

"Lay off, Kev," Brian said, noticing my shaking hands, although the cigarette was helping a lot.

Kevin's glare fastened onto Brian's serious face.

"Shut up, Brian. You're always sticking up for him which is why he never learns."

"All I know is that you yelling at the kid isn't helping much either," Brian pointed out, smiling winsomely up at him.

That's the thing with Brian, you just couldn't stay angry around him. He was just too...happy all the time. All the time. Which was a pain when all you wanted was to be upset and curse and maybe hit something, but still, it was kind of nice too. That's how Brian was. Kevin rolled his eyes.

"When I want advice from my kid brother on how to handle my other kid brother, I'll ask, kid brother," he said, but he lay off of me after that. He usually did when Brian said something. Brian's kind of handy like that.

"Nice looking cut there, Nicky," Chris broke the silence. I blinked, not even really registering the fact that he had called me by that hated name.

"What?" Chris motioned with his hand to my face. "Your head. Maybe you'll get a scar. Chicks dig scars."

"What, and ruin that pretty face?" Lance laughed. "What would everyone think when Brian and Kevin's little sister came outside with a blemish."

"Horrors!" Chris squeaked in a falsetto. He and Lance snickered as my hand flew to my forehead.

"Ignore those jerks," Brian said, pulling out a tissue from his back pocket.

"Is it that bad?" I asked fearfully.

Okay, I'm not a girl or anything, but I do take pride in my appearance. I mean, come on, the guys are some of the vainest people I know. I was in good company here. Howie squinted at me.

"Naw, once you get all the blood off you'll be okay?"

"Blood? There's blood?" I gaped.

"Yeah," Brian showed me the tissue that was stained red. "See? Did they cut you or something?"

I thought back to when they had me on the ground.

"Need a haircut, greaser?"

I shivered.

"Yeah, they did. They had a knife."

"And where's your blade?" Kevin cut in.

I looked at him quickly, my eyes skimming guiltily across him before skipping away to stare at my shoe again.

"You forgot it again, didn't you?" Kevin's face looked like a thundercloud. "Kevin, get a life, man! If he'd had a knife that would have been a good excuse to get him killed," Brian said impatiently, sitting back against the wall next to me. "He won't be so careless next time, right Nick?"

I nodded, losing my voice under Kevin's glare.

"See?" Brian gloated.

Kevin looked like he was biting his tongue trying to keep his mouth shut.

"Anybody interested in going to the drive-in tomorrow night?" A.J. rasped, flicking his cigarette away and exhaling slowly.

Kevin sighed, his glare being replaced by a look of tiredness that seemed to be his usual look lately. He rolled his shoulders wearily, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Can't. Got a double shift at the diner," he answered, referring to one of the many jobs he worked. Kevin worked days at a construction site and nights at a diner and he still barely made enough to cover all our bills.

Kevin might be only 22 but he looked and worked and acted like an old man. He was always tired.

"That's just the way it is," he'd tell me sometimes, and I guess it was.

Kevin's a lot less selfish than me, I suppose.

"Me and Brian are taking Meredith and Leighanne out," Lance said calmly, his eyes trained on me and I knew better than to ask if I could go.

Even if he is Brian's best fried sometimes I really hate that guy. Brian shot Lance an unreadable look and I sighed softly. They were back to that again.

Everyone knew Lance's father was the biggest homophobe around. Anytime he thought Lance was slipping into the dangerous territory of same-sex love he'd start yelling which led to the hitting which led to Lance sitting on our kitchen table wincing while Brian dabbed at his cuts and Kevin cursed and paced in front of them.

Those were the nights Lance became human to me, his almost translucent eyes filled with tears and emotion as he pleaded with Kevin to leave things alone. Kevin would threaten and snarl and finally storm into his bedroom, slamming the door after having called Lance a damn fool and his father a bigoted idiot.

Brian would stare helplessly at me and-those were the nights I slept alone and tried to ignore the squeak of bed springs and the aching sobs coming from the back bedroom.

"What about it, Chris? Nick, you and Howie should come," A.J.'s voice broke into my thoughts.

"I might meet up with you there," Chris nodded, smirking. "If I can't hunt up a poker game or something."

Howie and I exchanged looks.

"Me and Howie'll come," I nodded, flicking my cigarette away, watching it glow in the tall grass at the edge of the curb.

"I didn't doubt it for a minute, kid," A.J. snorted, ruffling my hair up.

"Don't call me that," I tried to glare at him and smooth my hair back.

Howie smiled briefly, not saying anything, but I understood and grinned back at him. Howie and me, we always got each other. I guess all of us did, really. It seemed a little weird, somehow, that we were all connected and really close and completely different from each other.

Me and Brian and Kev, we're brothers and grew up in the same house by the same parents and none of us were alike. We didn't act like each other and we sure didn't look like each other. Kevin was tall and dark, like our Dad, with a muscular build that made women drool and men envious. Or at least that's what Kristin whispered to me one night when we were sitting on the back porch and Kevin and Brian had gone to the store for more beer. Leighanne, Brian's girl, had giggled behind her hand and gotten a dreamy look.

I didn't see it myself. Who wanted to be jealous of Kevin?

Brian, though, he looked like my Mom. He was small, slender and not very tall with reddish blonde hair, when he didn't dye it blonde (Lance's influence, I believe) that kicked out in wispy curls at the ends. Where Kevin was hard and cold, Brian was warm and beautiful.

Kevin looked just like my Dad except his forest green eyes were flat and dead, like he'd found his dream and lost it and could never get it again.

Before Dad died and Jeff-well, before it all, Kevin was a different person. But you can't change the past and you can't know the future, so Kevin was stuck being this creepy, mean, old person. It sucked.

Brian's blue eyes were big and warm and angelic, but not innocent. We'd been through too much and seen too many things for him to keep his innocence, no matter how child-like he acted. (Which was plenty.) And then there was me.

I studied myself critically in the bathroom mirror. My long blonde hair was straight without a wave or curl in sight and my eyes were grayish blue though I wish they were more blue than gray because Chris once told me this horrible story about a gray-eyed man that had gone on a killing streak a couple of years back.

A.J. had called him a liar and then proceeded to tell me that the guy didn't rape and kill his victims, he instead ate them and left the carcass on their porches for the police to find. I never found out if it was true or not because Kevin threatened to kick their asses if they ever told me a bedtime story again while they were drunk. I haven't trusted gray-eyed people since.

I was pretty tall, too. Much taller than Howie and Brian, but not taller than Kevin. And I was bony too. Not A.J. bony-all sharp and weird angles or slender, graceful lines like Brian either. No, I was a diseased looking skinny, like someone had made me out of bamboo sticks and I didn't look like either of my brothers.

If Leighanne and Kristin and about half of the female population we've come across is to be believed than they are the greatest looking guys. Ever. It never bothered me that I didn't look like Kevin. He had caterpillar brows, man.

But it does freak me out a little that Brian and me don't look alike. Guess Chris was right and I was just a freak of nature.

I was thinking all of this through as I lay in bed "reading" the Grapes of Wrath for class. Brian had clambered over me onto the bed yelling that I needed to turn the light off so that he could get some sleep.

Kevin's soft snores were already floating down the hallway and I knew that Brian had given him a back rub because Brian could just knock you out with a good back rub. Which was good because Kevin needed all of the sleep he could get and so did Brian so I guess I should turn the light off.

Brian and Lance had dropped out of school when they were my age and they worked as mechanics for a gas station. It was the *only* place to get your gas pumped and probably had something to do with Brian's popularity (there wasn't anybody that didn't know and like him) but probably more to do with the fact that Lance and Brian were young and cute and willing to pump gas for the ladies.

I turned off the light and flopped back in the bed, willing sleep to come. I shivered, thinking of that guy on top of me.

"Need a haircut, greaser?"

It still freaked me out a little. Brian turned over, throwing an arm around me.

"You cold, Nicky?" he mumbled sleepily.

I rolled my eyes. Only Brian and Howie were still allowed to call me that, and not very often.

"No," I lied, scooting closer.

"'ood," Brian yawned, burrowing into the pillow. "Hey, want to know something?"

"What?"

"One of these days, me and Leighanne are gonna get married and live in a mansion."

My mouth curled into a smile. "A mansion?"

"Yup," he giggled. "We talked about it last night. And we're going to have, like, six kids. All girls."

I laughed as he began to name them out loud.

"Lil, Tyk?" I hooted. "Who would name a child that?"

"I would," he insisted proudly. "It's a cool name. Bet nobody else would have that name."

"Who else would want it," I pointed out. "And what about Lance?"

"Huh? We already have a Lance. We can't have two Lances."

"No, you goof. I thought you and Lance, um...."

Brian turned over and looked at me.

"Yeah, I did too," he said softly.

"Night, Bri."

"Night, Nicky."

I lay still until I felt his breath slow into the even rhythm of sleep. I turned over, gazing at the ceiling, wondering if I'd ever have someone to cry over.

We met A.J. on the corner the next night.

He was already there, leaning against a fire hydrant, lean, wired and ready for action. "I'm glad you two made it. I thought I was going to have to go drag your asses off the couch," he said by way of greeting, tossing his cigarette away.

"I had to get some homework out of the way," I said defensively. "Kevin made me do it ahead of time."

A.J. laughed softly, his eyes skimming over Howie.

"Kevin's such a woman. Must be his time of the month again. Let's go." He hopped up and bounded into the night, me and Howie hurrying to keep up.

It was early spring, so it was still a little light out and you can't sneak into a drive-in until after dark, so we decided to walk around for a bit.

"Yo, I'm hungry," A.J. turned towards McDonalds.

"You're always hungry," I rolled my eyes, obediently following him.

"He's got a tapeworm," Howie winked at me. I laughed.

"Yeah, or a hollow leg," I snickered, thinking of my Mother and how she used to tease A.J. about his huge appetite. But he never gained any weight, no matter how many Big Macs and fries he ordered. Brian was like that too and it just wasn't fair. I was skinny, but I still had a little baby fat around my waist and it seemed nothing would get rid of it.

We nodded and waved to people as we walked through the parking lot. Everyone ate at this McDonalds; it was on The Strip.

The Strip was a street that housed a small shopping mall and the drive-in was up the street, and the bowling alley was the other corner. It was pretty much the only place to go in this small town. Besides the library, and no one wants to be seen at the library, so it was The Strip or nothing.

We were standing in line waiting for A.J.'s double-cheeseburger meal deal, (after he made a huge fucking deal out of the iced-tea with no lemon) when the fight started. Some boys from down the bottom began to pick on the people that lived around the point and they began to argue.

We watched avidly, but when they began to pull out cell phones and calling their boys and tapping their blades against their legs, Howie and me decided to leave.

"Aw, you two are a couple of pussies," A.J. complained, but reluctantly left the scene.

Pussies or not, the only thing that happens when knives and gangs pop up is an arrest down at Central Booking and a night in jail, something I can't afford. Not only would Kevin kill me, it would jeopardize our living situation.

When Mom and Dad died a couple months ago the judge allowed Kevin to be our guardian, but we were kind of on probation, like they were waiting for us to make one slip and they'd send Brian and me to J.V. Hall. Even though we'd never been in any trouble (that they could prove in a court of law) they still acted like we were dirt and uncouth. Go figure.

Me and Howie both had enough money to get into the drive-in, and A.J. always had money on him (he never knew when the gambling mood might strike him) but A.J. made us sneak in anyway.

"That's half the fun of going to the drive-in," he snickered as he expertly scaled the fence.

Howie didn't say anything, obediently following. Sometimes Howie took that fearless leader crap too far. I mean, A.J. isn't James Dean, although his head is big like him. There wasn't anyone sitting in the chairs when we got there except two girls. I recognized them right away. Britney Spears, the head cheerleader, and poster girl for high school. I frowned. She was everything we weren't. Fast money, Sunday picnics and walks in the park. Her friend Christina Aguilera was with her.

A.J. grinned wolfishly at them. Winking at us, a habit he'd acquired once he started spending so much time with Howie, he sat down directly behind Britney.

I bit back a groan as I sat down next to A.J. behind Christina. A.J. was determined to get into a fight, some trouble, anything. And it seemed he was willing to take us down with him.

"...I'm telling you Christina, I'm tired of it. Every weekend it's the same thing: go out, get drunk, act like an asshole," Britney was saying. She sighed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm not putting up with too much more of it."

Christina nodded.

"Yeah, just because you're rich and I'm dating you doesn't give you the right to act like an ass, even if we make a really cute couple and you give me the best sex I've ever had."

Britney stared at her in shock. Christina burst into giggles.

"I'm just joking, Bit-Bit," she stifled her giggles. Britney frowned.

"It's not funny, Chris. If we let them walk all over us then they'll think they can get away with this shit all of the time."

"And I hear you. Look, just watch the movie and calm down," Christina said reasonably.

By this time A.J. was getting ready to move in. He started out innocently enough. Laughing, cracking jokes softly to Howie and me, getting a little louder when the girls ignored us.

Howie and I responded when needed, but I wasn't into it. I just didn't get a rush out of being nasty to people, and Howie was one of the sweetest people I knew. Britney was getting pissed, I could tell by the angry way she kept popping her gum and shifting in her seat.

That wasn't enough for A.J. He always had to be the center of attention, which was one of the main reasons that he was always getting thrown into jail. Smirking, A.J. propped his feet on the back of Britney's chair and in a loud voice explicitly explained the ins and outs of heterosexual sex to me and Howie.

If we'd have been alone I might have enjoyed the explanation, but since we were in, um, mixed company, I could feel the heat climb into my face as I reddened in shame. "That's enough," Britney hissed, spinning in her chair.

She pushed A.J.'s feet off of her chair.

"Why don't you go back to that gutter you crawled out of and leave us alone?!" A.J.'s lips pulled back over his sharp teeth into a nasty grin.

"I like a woman with claws," he growled, leaning closer.

"And I like a man with a better vocabulary then you obviously possess," Britney tossed back. A.J. began to chuckle.

"Baby, you know nothing about my vocabulary." He jumped up suddenly. "Why don't I get something to cool that hot temper of yours? Don't want you to burn too quickly. It's early and I can go all night long."

"I'd rather die than accept anything from you," Britney snarled, facing forwards again.

A.J. laughed and turned to us.

"You guys want anything?" he asked casually, looking away from Howie's censorious gaze.

I shook my head and Howie said no, really softly, still looking up at him. A.J. loped off into the night.

All four of us tuned into the movie and I began to relax. The movie was stupid, one of Adam Sandler's latest that I'd seen before and not one of his greatest, but there's nothing else to do in a drive-in.

"Here, maybe this will cool you down," A.J. grinned, passing Christina a fountain soda. He gave one to Britney too, looking down at her mockingly.

Britney stared down at the soda as if she didn't know what it was. One minute she was sitting quietly, the next A.J. was wearing the soda.

I blinked slowly, not believing but when I opened my eyes again soda and ice were dripping from A.J.'s dark glasses. Howie eeped softly next to me. A.J. quietly took his sunglasses off, leaning over her.

"You like it rough, huh? Then you've just fucked with the right person," he grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her out of the chair.

Britney's eyes widened, but in rage, not in fear as I thought.

She was tougher than me. I'd seen A.J. pissed off and it wasn't a pretty sight. Hell, I was kinda scared now, and he wasn't even glaring at me.

"Get off me, Greaser!"

"Oh, keep it coming. I'm going to have a lot of fun making you eat every single word! Tell me, do you like it on your back or on your knees? I try to be accommodating to all my bitches."

"Stop it." At first I thought it was the voice inside my head, but a movement out of the side of my eye convinced me it was real.

Howie stood, eyes blazing, one hand on A.J.'s arm as he glared at the taller man. A.J. stared at him, jaw almost dropping in shock.

"What did you say?" he whispered.

Howie's eyes darted around nervously, but he bravely repeated it.

"Stop. It."

The words dropped from his lips in separate sentences, hanging in the air.

I watched, fascinated as A.J. and Howie looked at each other, dark eyes meeting even darker eyes as they spoke to each other and I know it was so hard for Howie to do this. You just don't tell A.J. McLean to not do something. Not many had done it and lived, but Howie was...well, even before they were together Howie had always been A.J.'s favorite of all of us. A.J. went out of his way to make sure Howie was always taken care of, protected him as best he could.

But Howie had never ever done something like this, stood in the way of something A.J. wanted. We waited and I was surprised Britney had enough sense to stay still and let the two battle this their own way.

"Fuck it," A.J. finally said in disgust, shoving Britney away and stalking off without another word. I glanced at Howie, but his face was expressionless, his eyes hooded. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Thank you," Britney's voice startled us both out of our thoughts.

"Huh?" I looked at her stupidly.

She beamed at us, her smile causing a flush to cover my cheeks.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. "I was so scared. I thought he'd never leave us alone."

Howie blushed even harder than me, turning his face away.

"I couldn't tell. Never heard anybody talk to A.J. McLean like that before," he smiled a little, sitting back down. I sat too, watching Britney curl up in the chair next to Christina again.

"Well, I was. If you two hadn't been here, I don't know what I would have done," Britney insisted.

"You're welcome," Howie said shyly, face still averted. I snickered a little.

Christina glanced back at us, eyebrow raised, but turned back to the movie.

"What in the world are two sweet boys like you doing hanging out with trash like that?" Britney asked.

Howie's head whipped up, his glare returning. I scowled at her too. No matter how big an ass or how fucked up your friends are, you always stick up for them. No matter what. It's all you got out here in the streets. Loyalty is hard won and once you get it, there's nothing like it in the world. And the guys and me we're just like family.

"A.J.'s alright. You just don't know him," Howie said, a hard edge to his voice.

"If you knew him, he'd be different," I nodded. It was true.

Once Lance's sister, Stacy, had come to visit him and his father and A.J. had been real gentlemanly, watching his mouth and not even smoking around her. We were all like that, around the sister types.

"I don't want to know him," Britney's nose wrinkled in distaste. "And I still think you two are too nice to be friends with him."

"Yeah, we're just a bunch of innocent Boy Scouts," I said, tired of arguing with her. You can't tell some people anything. Even if the truth is right in front of their face doing the hokey-pokey.

Britney studied us silently. "No, not innocent. Jaded maybe, but not innocent." "Why don't you two come up here and keep us company?" Christina winked. "What?" I looked at her, sure she was telling a joke.

"Yeah, you can keep all the bullies away," Britney smiled.

Howie and me looked at each other, grinning. We hopped up and joined the girls, me between Britney and Christina and Howie on Christina's other side. Even Kevin had to admit that when it came to girls I used my head pretty well.

"Do I know you?" Britney squinted at me in the dark. I nodded.

"We go to the same school. I've seen you around a few times," I said casually, trying to play my nervousness off.

"You're in high school?" Christina asks skeptically. "How old are y'all?" "Fifteen," I answered.

"Seventeen," Howie said.

"Wow, I thought you were both-"

"Eighteen," Britney said quickly, and I smiled at her.

Howie was very touchy about his height and the fact that he looked like a little kid. We quieted and begin to watch the movie again when a large, strong hand clamped down on my shoulder and a deep voice said from behind us, "Alright, greasers. Now you're going to get it."

I risked a glance over my shoulder and there was Chris grinning down at us, his white teeth gleaming in the dark.

"Dammit, Chris, you scared the hell out of me," I said, punching him as hard as I could in the shoulder.

Chris doubled over, he was laughing so hard. He didn't even notice my hit.

"I wish you could have seen your faces," he hooted.

"Hey Chris," Howie said calmly. I scowled, looking over at him.

He had turned white as a sheet and was shaking. His eyes were closed and he breathed deeply, trying to calm his nerves. I poked Chris in the side, looking at Howie. Chris sobered immediately, but a small smile still trailed on his lips.

"Sorry, bud, I forgot," he said, ruffling Howie's hair. His attention turned back to the girls as he eyed them thoughtfully, then looked back at us. I rolled my eyes, groaning wishing he had found that damn card game after all.

"And who are these, your grandmothers?" Chris joked. "I can't imagine any decent girl would want to be voluntarily seen with you two."

"Grandmothers?" Christina shot back. "We, I'll have you know, are Indian traders. We've just bought these two fine gentlemen and are going to cart them off to Saudi Arabia as the beginnings of our harem."

"Harem? These two?" Chris began to laugh again. "They wouldn't know what to do in a harem! You'd do better getting a stud like me!"

He began to preen.

Christina looked him up and down critically.

"Do you have good teeth?" she asked noncommittally.

Chris bared his teeth to her for inspection.

"And," he said smugly. "I'm multi-lingual!"

"Multi-lingual?" I snorted. "Chris, pig-Latin doesn't count."

"I know some Italian curse words, too," Chris shot back. "It beats being half Puerto Rican and not knowing any of the language. Come on, say something in Spanish, Howie."

"Aw, shut up," Howie grumbled. "We're only sitting up here with the girls because A.J. was bothering them. We're trying to keep smart-ass Greasers like you away, not encourage conversation."

Chris' grin widened and I laughed as Howie rolled his eyes and focused back on the movie screen. We don't mind it when other greasers call us names, just when Socs do it. And besides, Howie normally doesn't say too much, especially not since he'd been beaten up, so anytime we could get him to laugh and joke we celebrated. Howie wasn't just A.J.'s favorite; he was everyone's favorite.

Chris plopped down beside Howie, leaning over him to trade insults with Christina, and I glanced over at Britney. She was watching Chris, studying him like she had done Howie and me. I watched her take in his baggy clothes, the long, stupid as hell braids and his manic smile and I stiffened. But when she smiled, I knew she had come to the right conclusion.

I turned back to the movie screen, thinking that this might be a good night after all.

"I'm thirsty. Nick, you feel like walking me to get a soda?" Britney looked up at me.

Nodding, I climbed awkwardly to my feet. "Anybody else want something?" I asked, raising my voice over Chris and Christina's antics. Chris flipped a gold dollar my way. "Popcorn. And get Howie some."

I stared down at the coin in my hand and looked back at him. "Chris, I know you're old enough to remember the good old days but this isn't 1973. You can't even get a soda with a dollar."

Chris tossed me his wallet.

"It's all the money I got in the world," he said mournfully. I took out $3.

"Pathetic," I grinned tossing it back. He caught it, attention on his conversation, but he still managed to give me a one-fingered salute. I snickered and followed Britney towards the food area.

"Your friend Howie, he's been hurt?" Britney didn't even beat around the bush and that was one thing I admired about her. She cut through the bullshit and it's rare you find people like that these days.

I nodded.

"Yeah," I said. "Hurt bad."

"How?" Britney smiled hesitantly when I glared at her. "Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy. But he's so sweet and gentle that I can't imagine anyone wanting to hurt him. If it's none of my business just tell me and I'll shut up."

I shrugged, kicking at a rock in my path.

"It's not that big of a secret. We just don't bring it up much in front of him. He's still jumpy."

Britney nodded.

"It was Socs, wasn't it?"

Glancing at her out of the corner of my eye, I nodded.

We entered the small building, standing in line. I kept my eye out for anyone looking at me weirdly. I've never seen a Socy girl hanging with a Greaser guy, so I know it was noticeable.

"If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand," Britney said gently.

I shrugged.

"That's okay. I can tell you. I don't mind much. It's just that, it hurt Howie real bad...."

Howie had been on the abandoned lot that was across the street from my house hunting for the old football we sometimes kicked around, waiting on all of us to get home. Kevin was working late and I'd walked over to the gas station where Brian and Lance worked. I always thought it was funny to watch the girls fawn all over them and they were real good about buying me a Pepsi or two. I don't know where Chris was and A.J., well, I don't think A.J. knows where he is half the time.

Me, Brian and Lance were walking home, finishing off the last of our Pepsi when Brian spotted Howie's jacket. It was a plain black leather jacket, A.J.'d stolen it for him for one of his birthdays and Howie always had it with him.

"Howie must have dropped his jacket. I'll just...." his voice trailed off as he brought his hand up to his face. Blood was smeared all over it.

Brian stared at the ground where a trail of red spots led to the lot. I think all three of us heard the soft moan at the same time. Even though I've got the longest legs, Brian beat us to the crumpled form.

Howie was lying on his stomach and he groaned loudly when Brian turned him to face us. I almost threw up. His face was all cut up and bloody and it shouldn't have been Howie. Any of us, but not Howie. And then everyone was there, Kevin with wide eyes and Chris turning his face away, Lance stiff and frozen. A.J. turned away, cursing, a strangled cry in his throat. I don't know how they all got there that fast. They just did.

And Howie who allowed his own mother to beat the tar out of him with a steel bat when she was drunk, cried. The same guy who let his father hit him in the head with a tire iron until Kevin took it from him. Cried. In Brian's arms he bawled like a baby, and Brian just held him and rocked him, crying too. I think all of us cried that day.

Whoever had done it had had a lot of rings on his fingers. That was what had cut Howie up so badly. After that Howie had never been the same. He had always been afraid of his own shadow, but now he'd jump if you looked at him wrong. Also, he started carrying a blade.

All of us carried knives, but Howie kept his sharp and it had a special button so that he could flick it whenever he needed. He told us that he'd never let anybody hurt him again. No matter what....

Britney's startled gasp brought me out of my trance. I looked at her quickly and she was white as a sheet. "Sorry," I blinked. "I forgot that you might not want to hear all that." "No, it's okay," Britney assured me. "I'm fine. I can't believe someone would do that to someone as sweet as Howie."

I shrugged, looking at her out of the corner of my eye. She still looked pale, but she didn't act like she was going to throw up, so I figured she was all right. We stood in the line and I've never been so aware of myself, ever. It's not every day you see a Socy cheerleader with a Greaser kid. A fight broke out but we got our popcorn and left. The last thing you want to be around is a fight when you're with a girl. You might have to do something stupid, like protect her honor or something. I don't think Kevin would consider that a good reason to end up in jail.

When we got back to the seats Chris and Christina were still going strong. They both had the same warped sense of humor, so it was easy enough to understand why they got along.

While Chris and Christina tried to out talk each other, me, Howie and Britney watched the movie. It was almost over when Nick Lachey approached us.

Nick and Drew Lachey were brothers and head of the Lachey gang, widely feared and all that crap. They lived down the street from us and were okay guys. Drew was only a couple months older than me. We used to hang together as kids, playing stupid games and trying to build forts and tree houses. Just dumb stuff. Nick, though, he kind of scared me with his lifeless blue eyes and his relentless stare.

One time, Drew and me were playing chicken and struck a match holding it to our finger. The first one to cry was the chicken. Nick came loping up, barely saying hi, when he noticed us. Drew and me were sitting on the steps, matches to our fingers, the smell of burning flesh heavy in the air, sweating and trying to make the other back down.

Nick began cursing loudly and fluently, almost as good as Kevin, and banged our heads together. He stomped the matches out, lectured us to death, and then smacked us upside the head one last time.

"Next time," he glared at us, taking the matches and stuffing them in his pocket. "I'm going to tell Kevin and let him beat the hell out of you two."

Drew and me have been tight since. But, Nick...I stay away from him.

Oh, we did eventually find out why they weren't in cars at a drive-in.

"Chris, you seen AJ around?" he asked, nodding at me and Howie and giving Britney and Christina a curious, but uninterested look. Nick was one of the few Greasers that preferred his own kind of woman-loud, easy and rude. But loyal-always loyal.

"Nope. Nick and Howie said he left about an hour ago," Chris answered, looking at us to make sure he was right. We nodded. "Hmm," Nick nodded, gaze roaming the drive-in, for only he knows what. "Why, something going on?" Chris asked eagerly, always ready to fight.

Sometimes I think Chris just likes having the captive audience of an opponent to tell his corniest jokes on. It's my theory that that's one of the reason he wins so many fights. He can't stay serious for more that five minutes.

"Nothing except me sticking my foot up his narrow ass," Nick frowned. "Somehow the new rims on my car were destroyed and one of his blades was found near it. Know anything about that?"

Chris smirked, trying to hold in his laugh. I shook my head and Howie sighed. We'd been with AJ the other day when he'd messed up Nick's car. Although it was funny, and we'd never tell, we knew Nick knew who'd done it. AJ was in for a fight tonight.

"Nah, man. Wasn't us," Chris answered.

Nick grunted, nodding. "I know it was him. Justin saw him do it. Look, tell him I'm looking for him if you see him," he disappeared into the shadows as fast as he appeared.

Chris began to laugh wildly.

Britney frowned as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I thought, and in no way am I saying I feel anything but contempt for him, AJ was your friend. Why are you going to let somebody beat him up?"

Chris was still chuckling as he answered, "Because he deserves it. He messed with that man's car, and let me tell you rims are expensive as hell when you have to earn them out of your own paycheck. Which is why I have the ones that came with the car. AJ chose to do it and he got caught. Our first rule is-Don't get caught. So he'll pay the price. I just hope AJ doesn't pull his blade out."

"He doesn't have one on him," Howie spoke up.

Chris grinned harder and shoved his braids out of his eyes impatiently.

"Good, a skin fight. No problems, maybe some busted ribs or something."

Britney stared at Chris. "And that's it? You guys just accept this?" she looked at me for help.

I shrugged. I try to stay out of fights as much as possible, myself.

"Don't you find that a little...barbaric?"

Chris laughed at Britney.

"Barbaric?!" he imitated her accent. "Why I declare it might be!"

"A skin fight's fair," Howie said quietly, not looking at anyone. "It's better than a..."

"And he deserves it," I jumped in to cover Howie's sudden pause. He'd turned whiter than a sheet.

"You said that before, and it didn't make sense the first time," Britney frowned at Chris.

"Look, it's a fair fight, which is more than I can say for the elite class of men that like to jump a lone person and pull out blades and hurt them. Nick's cool and AJ knows the score."

We all sat in uncomfortable silence as Howie's words sank in, showing clearly how different we were.

Christina shrugged. "A fight's a fight. If he's hurt, you patch him up and if he dies, he dies. Life goes on."

"You dig okay, baby," Chris grinned at her. "I like you. We might have to keep you."

"You two make me sick," Britney rolled her eyes and we turned back to the movie.

Oh, yeah. We did find out why the two of them had been sitting here in the first place. Apparently, Britney and Christina had been on a double-date with their boyfriends when they got to the drive-in, but their buddies met up with them at the concession stand and gave them a little something to smoke, to make the movie more fun.

"...I don't care! When you're out with me, you do not smoke. Have some respect," Britney angrily flipped her hair over her shoulder.

Christina nodded. "They were acting stupid and laughing at themselves. I wondered if I was on a date with Brit or with JC. Him and Justin were all over each other."

Howie, Chris and I kept our mouths shut, mostly because they weren't our asshole boyfriends. But. Um. Britney and Christina must be the only two girls in the world that didn't know JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake were, like, doing each other. A lot. And. Well, everyone needs a cover. They must be like Lance and Brian and get horny when they smoke. Poor Britney and Christina.

But, this meant they were stranded. As in, no way to get home on the other side of town, and they couldn't call their parents. (If my boyfriend was climbing all over his best friend the way I wanted him to climb over me, I wouldn't care at all about what his parents would say. But, I'm not a 16-year-old girl. Thank God.)

Public transportation was out, and while I think Britney could just about handle anyone that came her way, we all agreed they couldn't be seen taking a bus. Christina was all for calling a cab, but somehow Chris talked them into letting him drive them home. I don't know how he does it, but I think every girl in the world is a little in love with him and will do whatever he wants. Chris is kinda smart that way.

So we decided to walk to Chris' house, Chris and Christina in front, still trading quips, Howie trailing behind them, quiet and watchful, with Britney and me in the rear, talking.

We stiffened, watching a blue car slow to a crawl as it passed us, but it sped up and turned the corner. We all breathed a sigh of relief.

"What about your oldest brother, Kevin?" Britney suddenly asked me.

"Huh?" I stared at her blankly. "What about him?"

"You've told me so much about Brian I feel as if I've met him. But what about Kevin? You've hardly mentioned him."

I frowned, thinking. Kevin. What could I say about Kevin? What was there to say about Kevin? Once you took all the vulgar words out of my vocabulary, you weren't left with much except his name.

"Um, he's got dark brown hair, green eyes and is taller than me." I stopped. That was about all I could say. Politely.

"But, what is he like? Is he wild and free like Brian, or is he dreamy and hopeful like you?" Britney laughed. "Come on Nick, spill!"

"He's like," I wracked my brain for words. "He's...well, he's not like Brian and he definitely isn't like me."

"What is he like? Nick, come on," she smiled up at me.

Sighing, I bit my lip.

"Kevin is...Kevin's a pain in the ass! He hates me and the only reason he keeps me around is because it'd make Brian sad if he got rid of me and no one deliberately makes Brian sad. He thinks I'm dumb and stupid and a waste of time and-"

"No, Nick, no," Chris frowned thoughtfully. "That's not true and you know it."

He, Howie and Christina had stopped walking and were staring at me.

"Nick, come on, you know Kevin loves you and-"

"Shut up, Chris! Just shut up, because you don't know. He doesn't love me and he wishes he never had to take care of me!" I stuffed my hands in my pockets and hunched my shoulders.

Howie stared at me, his eyes wide and surprised.

"I always thought you all got along great."

"Well, we don't and you can shut the hell up too, cause we all know your parents have been trying to kill you for years," I growled.

Chris slapped me upside the head.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" he demanded. "You know better than to talk to Howie like that! If you weren't Brian's kid brother I'd kick your ass right now!"

"It's okay Chris," Howie stared at the ground, trying to smile and failing. "It's not like it's not true."

"Doesn't matter if it's true or not. We all deal. We have fucked up homes, things aren't fair, but we deal. Kevin does right by you, you're alive and none of your pieces are missing. In my book that makes him a damn good brother. Now get over there and tell Howie you're sorry and I'm the best damn kisser you know," Chris smacked me upside the head again as I walked past him.

Reluctantly I went over to Howie, staring at my feet, not wanting to meet his eyes. Not that he was looking at me since he was studying his shoes.

"Howie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," I said softly.

Howie shrugged, smiling crookedly.

"It's okay, Nicky."

"Don't call me that," I glared, but I laughed and we hugged.

Britney and Christina clapped.

I rolled my eyes, blushing and grinning stupidly.

"That was so sweet," Christina gushed.

"Hey! What about my kissing skills," Chris asked.

I ignored him and turned my head to see what Britney was staring at. That same blue car had turned around and was coming back towards us.

"Looks like we've been spotted," Britney sighed as the others stopped goofing off and came to stand next to us. The car stopped and out popped Justin Timberlake, poster boy for the American dream. Well, if you ignored the fact that he was fucking his best friend after the football game and not his big-boobed girlfriend. Feeling guilty for thinking mean thoughts about Britney, I shot her an apologetic look at her, but she didn't see it since she was glaring at Justin and JC as they came closer.

"Now, Brit-" Justin started, but Britney's voice rose over his.

"Don't you Brit me, you lying bastard! You said you were taking me out tonight, not JC and the rest of your friends! No offense, Christina," she yelled.

"None taken," Christina said calmly, staring evenly at JC.

JC blushed and glanced quickly at Justin, his eyes skipping back towards Christina's almost immediately, giving her a shy grin.

She rolled her eyes heavenward and shook her head.

'Hmm, maybe Britney is the only clueless girl in town,' I turned my attention back towards the lovebirds. 'Seems Christina knows more than she lets on.'

"...and I'm not going to spend another weekend while you and JC giggle like a bunch of girls, getting drunk and ignoring me! I have better things to do," Britney yelled, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

Justin sighed and tugged on his curls.

"I'm sorry, Pinky. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Oh, I know you will," Britney said, smiling sweetly. "You and JC will. Won't they Christina?"

"Sure will," Christina nodded, grinning at JC.

Chris begin to laugh in that high-pitched voice of his, causing me and Howie to start snickering. Justin glared at us.

"I don't care how drunk I get, Britney, that's still no reason at all to go out with trash."

Chris stiffened. Howie's face had gone completely white. He kept staring at Justin's fingers and all the rings on his hand. I wonder...

"Trash," all traces of his giggling gone, Chris' dark eyes glittered under the streetlights as they met Justin's. "Who are you calling trash?"

JC's eyes flickered over to Justin before stepping up beside him.

"Look, Greasers, we don't want any trouble, but there's 3 more of us in the backseat-"

"Then pity the backseat," Chris hissed back, eyes never leaving Justin's.

Justin glared back until Britney punched him in the gut.

"Take me home and stop picking fights," she said as he grunted and switched his glare from Chris to her. "Some of us have a curfew."

"Girls should have curfews," Justin muttered, turning back to the car and dragging her along behind him.

I bit my lip, wondering if she was just going to leave without saying goodbye and feeling a little hurt.

"Will you stop grabbing me? I have legs," Britney snatched her arm away from Justin and turned towards us, smiling. Walking back over she stood on her tiptoes to reach my ear.

"You dig sunsets, Nick?"

I nodded, blinking down at her, trying to force my eyes away from her pink lips.

"I dig sunsets too. And the same sunset you see from your porch? It's the same one I see from my patio."

And then she got into the car with her boyfriend and her society loving friends and left.

Howie watched me sympathetically as we continued our walk home. He didn't say anything to me as we listened to Chris rant on about "those kinds of girls" but I knew he understood. Howie was like that. He just knew when I was in a good mood or not. I dunno, but it's one of the best things about our friendship. I did want to ask him about Justin's rings. Howie had been too interested in them, and although he's kind of shy he doesn't normally turn white as a sheet around people.

Chris pulled out a little piece of paper and began tearing it up, delighting in littering.

"What's that?" Howie asked.

"Christina's phone number. I asked her for it. I must be drunker than I thought," he yawned.

I had wondered if he was drunk, but it was kind of hard to figure out with Chris. He acted like a kid whether he was drunk or sober.

"Where are you two headed?" Chris asked us.

"Home," I said without even asking Howie. "We might sit in the lot for a little while."

"I think I need to blow some more money, maybe see if Lachey's killed AJ yet. Don't stay out too late, it's getting cold," Chris zipped his jacket up.

"We won't, Mom," I smirked.

He flipped me off as he walked in the opposite direction from us. Howie and me were silent as we walked back to our house. It was late, but I had enough time to smoke a cigarette and watch the stars for a little while before I had to go home.

"Let's go lay in the lot," I said and Howie followed me.

We got comfortable, lying side by side in the middle of the field and just staring up, passing our last cigarette back and forth between us.

"You dig sunsets, Nick?"

"They're beautiful, aren't they?" I looked up at the sky, staring at the stars twinkling down at us.

"I guess so," Howie shrugged. "Never thought that much about it."

"I dig sunsets too. And the same sunset you see from your porch? It's the same one I see from my patio."

"You can't see them as clear here as you can in the country," I said dreamily...

In the country...Mom and Dad were still alive. Mom, so golden and funny, like Brian. Always fixing us hot meals and fussing at us for not taking our shoes off at the front door and always willing to play practical jokes on people. And Dad would be out with the fellas, talking and quietly showing them things like taking care of horses or how to fix cars. Dad always knew how to fix things and he was great with his hands. And all the fellas would be there and Chris would be cracking jokes and laughing and getting in the way and Howie would be grinning and not looking like someone was about to swing a tire iron at his head. Kevin would be with Jeff and they would be in love and happy and perfect, planning their first year at college together and figuring out if they want to live in a dorm or in an apartment. Lance and Dad would talk and Dad would make Lance feel better about himself and about his father and he'd be happy with Brian and not pretending he wasn!quote t. Mom would make AJ special food to "fatten him up" and she'd sit him down and listen to his stories about his life before he met us and he'd watch her with that special glow in his eyes that he only got when he was with her and laugh and hug Howie and not smoke. And we'd all be together and eat Mom's cooking and listen to her laughter as she sparkled and Dad would be a quiet, calming presence as we all lazed away in the country....

"Nick! Nick!"

I woke up to someone shaking me. Opening my eyes I saw that the stars had moved.

"What? Huh?" I yawned, shivering. It was cold.

"Wake up. You better get in the house before Kevin sends out a search party. I dropped off myself listening to you ramble about the country," Howie grinned and I could barely see him in the dark.

"You coming? Damn. It's cold out here," I muttered, rubbing my arms. I felt like I was frozen solid.

"No, I'm okay. I've got my jacket. You better hurry up," Howie said, lying back down.

"Okay," I yawned again, heading home. "But come on over to our house if you get too cold."

I wondered how much trouble I was going to get into. It was still and cold, so I knew it was really late. Maybe I'd luck out and Kevin would have gone to bed. I snuck up the porch steps and peeked into the window. Not only was Kevin awake, he was reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee. I groaned. This was going to be bad.

Squaring my shoulders, I opened the door and stepped into the house. Kevin was on his feet before I could blink.

"Where have been, Nickolas?" he growled. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Me and Howie fell asleep on the lot and I didn't think-"

"That's right, you didn't think, did you?" Kevin leaned down over me and I backed up a little. All the yelling made Brian sit up from where he was sleeping on the couch.

"Hey, Nicky, where you been?" he yawned, rubbing his eyes.

"Where's he been? He's been sleeping in a lot while we're in here freaking out not knowing whether or not something's wrong. We can't call the cops because something like that would get you two slammed in a boys home so fast it would make your head spin! But that doesn't matter to you, right," Kevin was yelling in my face now. "Because you were sleeping on the lot! And that makes everything alright."

"I never said that," I yelled back, angrily. "I just said I didn't think-"

"As usual!" Kevin shot back. "You never think and I'm tired of it!"

"Fine, I can just leave then!"

"Will you two just be quiet for a minute," Brian tried to shove between the two of us, but Kevin pushed him back.

"Stay out of this, for once, Brian," Kevin yelled at him.

That pissed me off more than him yelling at me. Brian was the nicest person in the world and it wasn't right that Kevin yelled at him because of me.

"You don't yell at him," I yelled at Kevin.

Kevin swung around and smacked me across the face so hard that I fell back against the door and crashed to the floor.

The three of us quieted.

Kevin's eyes were round and huge as he stared down at me, his hand turning white, then an angry red.

Brian just stared, too shocked to say anything.

I couldn't get my mouth to work. No one in my family had ever hit me before.

"Nick," Kevin whispered, coming slowly towards me.

No one had hit me before now, but I wasn't stupid enough to stick around and let him hit me again. I jumped up and ran out the door and down the street as fast as I could.

"Nick, I didn't mean to!" Kevin's voice floated towards me, but I kept going. Skidding to a stop at the lot I called out, "Howie! Come on, we're running away!"

Something rolled over not that far from my feet, startling me. Howie stood up and nodded without asking any questions, waiting. I grabbed his arm dragging him after me.

We ran as fast and as hard as we could until I had to stop. By that time I wasn't just crying, I was sobbing and I didn't care. I just collapsed on the curb, put my head in my hands and bawled for all I was worth. Howie sat next to me and rubbed my back.

Finally, I quieted, and I looked up, wiping the tears away from my face. I glanced over at Howie's soft brown eyes before looking away. If I looked at him too long I was going to start crying again, and I was tired of crying.

"What's wrong, Nicky? Why are we running away?" he asked after a couple minutes had passed.

I sighed, sniffing. "It's Kevin. He's always yelling at me and telling me I need to do this and that and then he hit me tonight and no one's ever hit me before. I just couldn't take anything else. I had to get out."

Howie stared at me, eyes blinking.

"I'm sorry, Nicky. I thought you three really got along. I'm here for you, man."

I hugged Howie back, as hard as I could, for once not caring that I was the youngest and everyone treated me like a baby.

"You still want to run away?" Howie asked me seriously.

I laughed a little.

"No, Howie, that's okay. Why don't we just walk to the playground and back," I said, realizing we weren't that far from the park. "Maybe by the time we walk there and walk home, Kevin will have calmed down and I won't mind going home so much."

Howie lit a cigarette and we sat on the jungle gym not speaking, waiting for my nerves to calm down enough for us to go home.

"Shit," Howie stared across the park.

"What?" I asked, looking around. All I saw was the fountain.

"Over there." Howie's face had turned white.

I looked at where he was pointing and saw them. Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez and 3 more of their football-hero type friends were headed our way and I really doubted they wanted to tell us about the school bake sale. They were too close to run and there was nowhere to hide. Howie and I stayed up on the jungle gym. At least trying to get us down'd hamper them. I saw Howie tuck his hand inside of his jacket pocket and knew he had pulled out that knife.

I swallowed.

"Well, well, look what we have here, C," Justin swaggered over to the jungle gym. "It's the little Greasers that picked up our girls."

"Come on, Justin. Let's just leave. Britney and Christina are home and nothing happened to them. Let's go home," JC hugged himself, not even looking up at us. Guess we were too ghetto for Mr. Chasez to gaze upon.

"No, wait a minute, JC. We need to teach these Greasers a lesson about picking up girls out of their league," Justin grinned at us, flashing that winning smile.

I think my heart stopped as they circled the jungle gym slowly. JC stood to the side, biting his thumb and looking as if he'd rather be anywhere but here. Well, he wasn't the only one. I glanced over at Howie. Looked like we were in for a fight, whether we wanted one or not.

"Come on down," Justin smiled at me. "Here, Greaser. Come on."

"I'm not the one that has a problem with girls," I said, spitting in his face. They might take us, but not without a good fight.

Justin swore as he wiped his face.

"Get him!" he yelled as he scrambled up the jungle gym.

I jumped off and tried to run but Justin tackled me.

"This Greaser is a little hot, I think he needs to be cooled down," Justin laughed as he and another boy dragged me over to the fountain.

"No-" I was pushed head first into the fountain and held down until he felt like I was going to die if I didn't get some air.

My head was lifted and I heard Justin's laughter before I was pushed down into the water again. Thrashing and squirming, I tried to get away, but the hands held me down. Black spots appeared before my eyes and I began to swallow water. I tried to struggle, but everything began to get slower and duller until the black spots covered everything.

When I opened my eyes everything was real quiet. Only thing I could hear was my coughing and hacking as I spit water out of my mouth, trying to breathe. Shaking my head, I pushed myself up and looked around. Howie sat against the fountain next to me, eyes wide and staring straight ahead. The knife was clenched in his fist and there was blood on the blade.

I wiped my face with my hand and tried to say his name, but my throat was raw and I choked. I coughed some more until I thought I could speak.

"How-Howie," I whispered huskily. "Howie, what happened?"

His eyes were so big, but he said, calmly, still staring at only he knew what, "I killed him."

"Wh-what?" I coughed again, sitting up and moving a little closer.

"I killed him. That boy. I killed him," his voice never wavered and he said it so calmly.

I turned my head to what Howie was looking at and there were Justin's sightless blue eyes.

He was dead.

Dead.

Howie had killed him.

Howie had murdered somebody.

A Soc.

Justin.

Howie had killed Justin.

"I'm going to be sick," I mumbled.

"Go ahead. I won't look," Howie said softly, still looking at Justin.

I turned my head and vomited quietly. I sat back when I was done and wiped my hand with the back of my head, starting to cry again.

"We're going to jail, Howie. We killed him! I'm never going to see Brian again."

Howie turned and looked at me, his eyes were hard and they glittered in the moonlight. I shivered and tried to back up but he grabbed my shoulders.

"We're not going to jail. They were going to kill you! They were drowning you and they were going to do me next! It was self-defense," he let go of my shoulders and stared down at the corpse again. He kept muttering about self-defense and rings under his breath.

I cried louder, trying to be heard over him. "Howie they put you in jail for stuff like this! Can you hear me! Howie!"

He glared at me.

"No, they won't. Nick, we have to get out of here. Now, before the cops show up."

"And go where?" I asked, still crying. "The police are going to find us and throw us in jail and they won't care because we're Greasers and I'm not supposed to get into any trouble!"

Howie smacked me hard.

My eyes widened and I stared at him in shock as he leaned over me.

"Listen to me! We're not going to jail! We're going to run away to the country! I've thought it all out," he pulled me up with him. "I've got a plan. Stop crying and be quiet."

I wiped my eyes and tried to keep quiet.

"Trust me, Nick. No one's going to take you and Brian away from Kevin. We just need to lay low for a little while."

"Where are we going to go?" I hiccupped.

Howie dropped the knife and met my eyes again.

"To see AJ. Who else?"

We banged hard on the door.

"Are you sure he's here?" I asked. "Maybe he went somewhere else."

Howie ignored me and prepared to kick the door but it swung open.

"What?" Joey Fatone stood in the doorway, shirtless and glaring at us blearily. The sounds of a party drifted out to us and we could hear girls giggling loudly.

"Is AJ here?" Howie asked.

Joey frowned as he thought about it. He idly scratched his chest, lips pursed. His thinking pose, I guess.

"Hey, anybody seen McLean?" he yelled into the room. Someone shouted something back but we couldn't make it out.

"Be right back," he grinned at us. "Don't move."

I blinked as the door was slammed in our faces again.

Howie and me stared at the door until it swung open again. AJ stood yawning at us in his boxers and sunglasses. I wondered for the millionth time if he actually slept in those things.

"And what can I do you two for today?" he asked, tipping his sunglasses down. "Isn't a little late to be out?"

"AJ, we're sorry to be bothering you," Howie started.

"Don't worry about it, man. I was just in the back bedroom," AJ looked over at me. "Damn your ears can get red!"

My ears were red because I was remembering all of the things that usually happened in Joey's backroom. Howie looked sick, but didn't say anything.

AJ looked back and forth between us before throwing his head back and laughing. "No, nothing like that! I was sleeping. Nick and me got into it and he hurt my ribs. That's all," he said the last part softly and looked at Howie. "Look, you two need to get in here. It's cold as hell out here and Nick's all wet!"

We followed AJ silently through Joey's house, not looking around.

"Give me a minute," he disappeared out of the door. When he came back, he gave me a shirt about a million times too big.

"I know it's too big, but it's better than standing around with wet clothes on. Don't you ever think?" he cuffed me upside the head. He sounded so much like Kevin that I wanted to cry. I looked over at Howie. AJ followed my gaze.

"Alright," he sat on the bed. "What's going on?"

Howie sighed and looked up from his contemplation of his hands.

"AJ, we need your help. We're kind of in trouble." Howie explained the whole story to AJ. AJ laughed and clapped Howie on the back when he got to the part about killing Justin and I shivered. When he finished, AJ nodded his head thoughtfully.

"Okay, so you two need to lay low for a little bit. We can do that," AJ nodded thoughtfully. He left the room abruptly. Howie picked at his fingers and I chewed on my thumbnail worriedly.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do," AJ came back into the room with his leather jacket. "The two of you are going to Windrixville to lay low until this all blows over."

"Windrixville?" I blinked. "Who in the hell goes to Windrixville?"

"That's the point," AJ threw the coat at my head. "Here, the nights can get chilly."

I put the coat on over my shirt, glad that AJ bought everything huge because I was taller than him already. AJ snickered as he watched me.

"Man, I can't believe it. The two of you with a murder rap. I'd sure hate to be the one to tell Kevin," he shook his head.

"Good, because you're not going to tell him," I said, glaring at AJ.

"What are you talking about?" AJ stopped laughing abruptly. "Don't you want him to know where you are?"

"No. I don't care if he knows or not," I stared back at him.

"Nick, you can't do that. Kevin's going to be worried sick."

"I don't care. He doesn't care anyway."

"What about Brian?"

I didn't answer. It was better that Brian didn't know anyway. If you don't know anything then you can't let anything slip.

"Fine. Your funeral. Here," AJ turned to Howie. "All I could get was $200 out of Fatone. He gambled everything else away. And I got you this."

"AJ!" I hissed. "That's a gun!"

"I know what it is," he smirked at me. "It's for your protection. Just in case."

"But you kill people with guns," I gaped.

"You kill them with knives too, don't you."

Howie choked and AJ sighed.

"Look, I'll feel better if the two of you have something to protect yourselves with," AJ looked at Howie.

Howie nodded and took it gingerly, sliding it inside of his coat.

"This will blow over and then you two can come back," AJ nodded, pulling a cigarette out and lighting it. Howie smiled encouragingly at me. AJ blew smoke at the ceiling.

"Damn, I don't even have a murder rep," he shook his head and stared at us with respect. "I'd never have believed it."

Howie and me exchanged glances.

Funny, neither did we.

We hid in the dark of the car, not speaking until the train began to move. The rocking motion made me drowsy and I laid my head on Howie's legs and slept.

I woke up and I think someone told me to jump and I did, landing in the wet grass, which shocked me awake.

Howie landed beside me cursing and rubbing his legs.

"Dammit, Nick! My legs are numb. I almost didn't make that jump."

"Sorry," I said, suddenly wide awake and looking round. We were in the middle of a field in Nowhere, USA. "Where are we?"

"We're in Windrixville," Howie huffed, still rubbing his legs.

"Where's the church? I don't see it." I stood and turned around

"I don't know exactly. We're going to have to ask for directions. Well, more like you-I can't move."

I looked apologetically at Howie.

"I'm sorry, you should have woken me."

Howie shrugged. "It's okay. I knew you were tired. Just go ask someone for directions, then come back. By that time I should be able to walk again."

"Okay," I stood up straight and ran a hand through my hair, trying to get it to fall into my eyes the way I liked. "I look alright?"

Howie glanced at me and sighed.

"No! Tuck your shirt in and comb your hair back. Stop slouching like that, you look like a thug."

I made a face and took out my comb and combed my hair and straightened my clothes.

"That better, Daddy? Or should I go get my suit out of my suitcase?" I asked sarcastically.

"I guess you'll do," Howie grunted. "You know, with your hair combed like that, you kinda look like Brian. A younger version."

"Yeah, right," I snorted, walking away. "Brian's good looking."

"So are you," Howie laughed behind me.

I flipped him off over my shoulder.

As I walked I kept my eyes open for any sign of life. Soon I saw a farmer on a tractor. Putting on my most innocent face I walked over and asked him for directions.

"The church? Why do you want to go there? It's been abandoned for quite a few years, now," the farmer asked, looking me up and down.

I grinned sheepishly, and scuffed my shoe in the dirt.

"Me and my friends are scouting a place to, well, put the school mascot," I lied.

The farmer started laughing.

"Are you boys pulling a senior prank?"

"Can't fool you," I laughed with him.

"I didn't even know you kids still did that these days," he grinned at me. "I pulled a few pranks in my day."

I laughed with him and made up some elaborate scheme about the mascot and my friends that were hiding. I thanked him for the directions and headed back to Howie. I never thought I'd thank the day that I met Lance, but Brian couldn't lie if his life depended on it. Lance, however, was the best liar I knew. Good thing I'd watched him all these years. I'd have to thank him next time I saw him. If...I saw him.

I opened my eyes and stared at the high ceiling, disoriented. Sitting up, I saw the back of a pew and it all came rushing back to me. Kevin, him hitting me, almost drowning, Howie, the knife, AJ...all of it. I shook my head, trying to rid the images from my head and looked around. It was really quiet and Howie was nowhere to be seen.

What if he had left me? Or maybe the police had found Howie and had taken him but left me here as a punishment. Or Howie could have gotten lost and I was going to be here until I starved to death.

Before I could really start to freak out some writing in the dust next to me caught my eye. Nick, I went to the store. I'll be back as soon as I can. Stay down and keep quiet. H. Okay, so maybe gypsies hadn't stolen him and dragged him into their witness protection program. Not that I'd been worried or anything.

I dozed on and off until I heard someone whistle. It was the whistle we used between us to let us know that everything was all right. I whistled back then ran towards the back, but tripped and fell flat on my face. Trying to ham it up, I slid and propped myself up on my arms, grinning and waggling my brows at Howie.

"And what brings you here today?" I asked.

Howie peered at me over the top of his bags.

"I'm telling you, Nick, I think you spend too much time with Chris," he shook his head and stepped over me. I pouted. I thought I'd done a pretty good imitation of AJ.

"What did you get?" I asked, getting off the floor and following closely behind Howie, trying to peek into the bag.

Howie smacked my hands away and set the bag down on the altar table at the front of the church.

"Let's see, peanut butter, jelly, toothpaste, bottled water," he said as he deposited the items on the table.

"Howie! You bought a copy of Gone With the Wind?" I yelled, reaching around him and grabbing the book happily. Howie shrugged, grinning, before continuing on with the stuff he bought.

"Bread, crackers, chips, toothbrushes, change of underwear and-"

"Hair dye?" I took the box from him, reading the back. "Howie, I know how vain you are, but this is no time to be worrying about how you look."

"Funny," he grabbed the box back. "That's for you."

"Howie, my hair isn't black," I frowned at the box. "You need glasses?"

Howie sighed and pushed me down in a chair.

"No, but we need disguises. We're going to dye your hair black and cut mine."

I stared at Howie. See, you don't understand. Howie loves his hair. If his hair were a girl Howie would be married with 13 kids by now. His hair is like the only thing about himself that Howie does like. It's long, about mid-back and its real glossy and straight, cause he brushes it 100 times a night just like girls on TV. Hell, I know women that envy his hair. He's had it long ever since I've known him, and I've known Howie almost all my life.

"You're.... what?" I asked, not sure I heard him correctly.

Howie nodded, not looking at me.

"Cut it. You're going to cut it off."

"No way! Not me. AJ isn't going to come after me with a pick ax just because you've suddenly become suicidal," I backed away from the scissors he pulled out of the bag.

"No one's going to kill you. I want you to cut my hair and you're going to cut it. After we dye yours."

"No! I don't want my hair to be black!" I tried to get away but he grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me back.

"Look," Howie leaned over me after slamming me down in the chair. "I don't want to cut my hair either! But they're looking for us for murder. Not attempted murder. Not assault with a deadly weapon. Murder. So unless you want to get locked in a cell with someone named Bubba that will hold you over a toilet and make sure everyone calls you Nicky permanently, I'd advise you to sit down, shut up and enjoy it."

I swallowed, watching him stomp back over to the dye.

"Well, when you put it that way," I blinked.

"I thought you'd agree."

"My skin looks pale."

"You're white, get over it."

"Did you have to cut it too? My ears stick out."

"It's not my fault your middle name should be Dopey."

"Howie-"

"Shut up."

"But-"

"There's enough hair for me to get some scissors through."

"Never mind."

The days seemed to drag on. I never thought I'd wish I was in school before, but I sure did miss biology class. Even if the teacher thought I was some kind of thug when I sliced open my frog with my blade. That little scalpel thingy wasn't working. Screw him.

We read, aloud and to ourselves, we played cards, we played Uno, we ate, but mostly we just lay around and smoked and talked. I couldn't believe how much stuff Howie knew and thought of all day long. He was actually really interesting to talk to. He didn't mind if I asked him a bunch of questions, and he never yelled. Even Brian gets frustrated and tells me to be quiet. But not Howie. He was always just...calm. Only time I ever saw him get flustered was when we were talking about AJ.

"But you two are weird together, Howie. You don't even act like a normal couple."

"And how does a normal couple act?"

"They kiss and hold hands and stuff. You two barely talk to each other."

"I'm not that big a talker, Nick, in case you never noticed," Howie laughed. He had been laughing at me the entire conversation.

"Whatever, man. You two are still weird."

"No, we aren't. When it's just the two of us...when there's no one else around, AJ is completely different. So I don't care what you think."

"But why him?" I shook my head in confusion. "Why not, I dunno, Brian or me or something. Even Chris would be better than AJ."

Howie laughed at me again, lying on his back on the floor, his legs propped up on the pew I was sitting on.

"Brian? After he finished laughing at me I'd have to, I don't know, convince Lance not to hurt me for looking at his man. The two of them have the weirdest relationship I've ever seen."

"Tell me about it," I muttered, still pissed that Brian was with Lance. Maybe I could push Howie and Brian together.

"Don't try it," Howie laughed again as I opened my mouth. "Even if AJ and Lance suddenly gave in, Brian and I would kill each other."

"Why? You're both nice and sweet and you like me," I grinned. "What's the problem?"

"You'll figure it out when you're older," Howie said.

"Everything's when I'm older. How do you know I don't want you?" I said just for shock value.

Howie stopped laughing and turned his head to look at me. Our eyes caught as he sat up and kneeled in front of me. Running a hand over my cheek, he pulled my face forward. Holding my breath I leaned forward and closed my eyes, waiting.

"You want Kevin to kill me?" he whispered, inches from my lips.

"Fuck Kevin," I whispered back, not opening my eyes.

Howie let me go and sat back on his heels.

"I did, once. It was hot but we agreed to not do it again," he shrugged. "Some people are better friends. Just like me and you."

I stood abruptly.

"Hold on, wait a minute! You slept with Kevin? My Kevin? And you never told me? Howie, you're supposed to be my best friend!" I sulked.

Howie sighed and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing as his hand ran over the short length.

"It was after the funeral. After Jeff told him he was leaving. He was drunk, I was drunk and I knew he was hurting. No big deal," he answered slowly, biting his lip. His brow wrinkled as he watched me. Howie hates anyone being mad at him, even if he's right. I sat back down.

"No, you're right," I nodded, picking at my jeans. "I was being stupid. Forget it. Howie, can I ask you a question?"

"What?" he asked eagerly.

"Why did Jeff and Kevin break up?" I asked softly. "Like, Jeff didn't go away to college. I see him at the games sometimes. He thinks he's too good for us or something?"

Howie let out a deep breath and sat next to me.

"I don't know. I'm not the expert on relationships. Just look at me and AJ," he smiled.

I sighed, still picking at my nails.

"I don't know, I just wonder sometimes. He used to be around all the time and he was part of the family, but as soon as Mom and Dad died, he took off," I said bitterly. "Kevin was a lot nicer when he was around, that's all. I just wondered."

Howie nodded.

"Maybe you should ask Kevin," he said softly.

I stared at my fingers.

"Maybe," I answered, and we didn't talk much more for the rest of the day.

Four, five days had passed and it was as if we were in our own little world. I began to imagine that there had never been a time before this. Howie and me had always lived in this old church and Kevin and Brian and the rest were all made up. Then I imagined that there was no other world. Once we stepped off the back steps of the church the sandworms would get us just like in Beetlejuice. I kept my thoughts to myself after that cause Howie started looking at me funny and sniffing the cigarettes. I mean, where would I get marijuana at up here?

Because there wasn't much else to do besides play poker, eat and read, we spent a lot of time just sleeping. A lot of mornings I'd wake up early, unable to sleep. I'd sit on the back steps of the church and watch the sun come up, waiting for Howie to stir. Howie may not have talked much but he was better than silence.

I'd been sitting outside for a while, smoking a cigarette and watching dawn coming in, really thinking about nothing more than the beauty of nature in front of me. The lower valley was covered in mist and the sky was lighter in the east. The horizon was a thin, gold strip in the middle, peeking at the world. As I watched, the clouds changed from gray to pink, and the mist was touched with gold. It was silent and still, as though the world held its breath and watched...and then the sun rose.

"Wow, that was...it was beautiful," Howie said, behind me. I jumped, and then nodded, not even glancing behind me. He sat down beside me on the steps, still looking at the sky. I took another hale on my cigarette.

"Yeah, it was. I wish I had some paint. I'd try to draw it," I let my voice trail off, knowing that I could never get it perfect, not the way I saw it anyway. I don't know if I'd still want to do it if I couldn't get it just right.

"It was the mist. It was all silver and gold," Howie continued as if he didn't hear me. I just nodded and hummed in agreement, trying to blow a smoke ring.

"Too bad it can't stay like that all the time," Howie stopped his hand mid-air. He just didn't have much hair to run his fingers through anymore. I think he was more upset about it then he let on.

"Nothing gold can stay," I agreed, remembering something I'd read before.

"What?"

"'Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.'"

Howie stared at me.

"Did you just make that up? That's exactly what I meant."

"Nah, man. Robert Frost wrote it. He meant more to it then I ever got out of it. I think that's why I always remembered it. I never quite got it, y'know?"

"I never got stuff like this before you," Howie turned and looked at me, his brown eyes deep and serious. "Like clouds and sunsets and stuff. They've just always been there. If you hadn't insisted that I look at them, I'd never have paid any attention to them."

"Huh," was all I said, and we were quiet again, watching the sun climb higher in the sky and wondering how long we had to stay here, and what would happen when we left.

I was lying on the floor sick from smoking all day with nothing on my stomach. I just couldn't choke down another PB&J sandwich. My mind had been wandering all day and I was imagining that Howie was having a conversation with someone, but I didn't want to open my eyes and admit that my best friend had finally cracked up.

"Damn, Howie, he looks really weird with his hair cut. Brian's going to kill you for traumatizing his little brother," a familiar voice cackled.

I rolled over and opened my eyes when a foot nudged me in the ribs.

"AJ!" I jumped up and practically bowled him over. I couldn't help it, I hadn't seen anyone besides Howie in five days and I was slowly losing my mind.

"Calm down, kid. I'm happy to see you too," AJ nodded, peering at me over his sunglasses. A move that was so AJ I thought I might cry. I never thought I'd be happy to see him.

There was no question that Howie was happy to see him. He was practically beaming.

"Damn, I can't get over how weird the two of you look," AJ rasped looking at both of us. "Howie, man, your hair. Fucking waste."

"You said we didn't look that bad," I glared at Howie accusingly. "You said we looked almost the same as we always do."

"Calm down, Nick, you don't look that bad-did you know your ears stick out?" AJ laughed as I whirled and pinned him with the Kevin glare. Kevin narrows his eyes and lowers his brows and gives you a look so dark your blood freezes in your veins. I'd been practicing the look for years, but I always looked as if I was slightly deranged and very cockeyed.

"We don't look that much different. We've got the exact same faces and bodies as before, our hair is just a little different," Howie said calmly.

"Different? He scalped you!" AJ shot a glare at me. "Yeah, he told me who cut my hair off."

"AJ, I think it was my hair and I told him to so just shut up about it."

"Whatever," AJ shrugged, lighting a cigarette, and then cursing because it was a Salem. "I've told you about smoking these girl cigarettes! I need a pack of Newport."

"You can do the shopping next time, then," Howie said.

I rolled my eyes.

"Lovely. When can we go home?" I demanded.

AJ brightened.

"Oh, man, how could I forget to tell you? That murder's been all over the news all week! Apparently Timberlake's Dad is some big honcho and he's been about to shit a brick trying to find out who killed him."

Howie flinched, but I grinned.

"We were on the news? Really?"

"Yup, got your school pictures and everything. Oh, here, Nick. Brian sent me a letter to give to you."

"You told Brian?" I yelled. "I told you not to tell him! What if he slips up?"

"Shut up, you want everyone to know you're in here," AJ hissed at me. "I didn't tell him anything."

"Then how did he find out?" I asked, lowering my voice.

"I don't know. Brian's not as dumb as he looks. He came over to Fatone's the other day and followed me into the bedroom before handing me this envelope. Told me he knew I wasn't going to tell him where you were but if I could make sure you got this letter he'd keep Kevin from gutting me once he realized I was the one that smuggled you two out of town. Nick, you should let me tell Kevin, this thing has really torn him up..." AJ's voice faded as I tore open the letter from Brian, missing him more now than I ever had before.

Nick,

Looks like you and Howie have really gotten into some trouble. The police, FBI, everybody is looking for you two. Kevin's kinda gone nuts, with the way you ran outta here and now this. Kevin's real upset that he hit you. You know he didn't mean it. I don't know what really happened or why Howie killed that boy. I, well, none of us can believe Howie would do something like that. The police came by to question us, but we don't know anything. I know AJ knows where you two are, but you know Bone. He's good at keeping his mouth shut. Kevin keeps searching for you and putting out rewards and stuff. I wish you and Howie would come back home and just turn yourselves in, but I know you can't cause then Howie would go to jail. I hope, I hope you're okay Nicky, and Howie too. Stay low, listen to AJ and come back in one piece if you can.

I'm praying for y'all,

Brian

"...so let me tell him," AJ's voice broke through my thoughts. I blinked a few times, thinking about Brian.

"No," I glared at him, folding the letter up and sticking it in my back pocket. "No, I don't want him to know where I am, so stop bothering me about it."

AJ held his hands up, his eyebrows raised far above his sunglasses.

"Alright, fine. I won't mention it again. Damn, get your panties out of your ass," he growled back at me. I ignored him and looked around the church.

"So are we leaving yet or what?"

"Look who's in charge," AJ bumped hips with Howie, amused.

"AJ-"

"Sure, sure. We can go. Come on, no one's looking for you two up here."

We piled into AJ's car, happy to be going somewhere, anywhere that was not that church. Anywhere that didn't have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We ended up at the local McDonald's. It was empty and dead inside, just like the rest of the town, from what Howie and me had seen.

"Damn, I thought I was hungry," AJ stared as I gulped down my third Big Mac and slurped on a McFlurry. "Slow down, I've got enough money for Mickey D's."

I nodded and Howie ate faster. I didn't slow down until I had a headache.

'Oh, I forgot to tell you two-tomorrow we're going to settle all of this fighting between Soc and Greaser. Since you two've been gone there's been warfare all over the city, Greaser vs. Soc. That kid you killed had friends all over and now we can't even walk by ourselves. I've started carrying a gun..."

"AJ!" I yelped. "You can kill people with guns."

"You can kill them with knives too, can't you," he replied lazily, flicking a glance at Howie. Howie flinched. I bit my lip and looked away.

"Don't worry so much," AJ smirked, "It's not loaded. I'm not trying to go to jail for murder. It's more for show than anything else. Helps keep people out of my face. Anyway, Nick Lachey's gang and our gang are going to have it out with the Socs tomorrow at the vacant lot. Yeah, just like the old times."

AJ's eyes got glassy and I knew he was thinking about his times in New York in a real gang. "Just like in the old days-if they win things go on like they always have. If we win, they stay the hell out of our territory. Chris got jumped a couple days ago. Me and Kevin came along in time, but we weren't really needed. Chris is a damn good fighter. Oh, and you guys won't believe this, we've got ourselves a spy."

"Who?" Howie asked, looking up.

"That snobby chic that I tried to pick up at the movie. You know, the blonde, Britney Whatthefuckever."

"Britney?" we both asked at the same time, choking a little.

"Yeah. She came over to the vacant lot the same night Chris got jumped. She just drives up in her perfect little VW Bug. She's got balls, cause a couple of us were thinking of jumping her since she was that kid's girlfriend, but Chris stopped us. I think he's getting soft in his old age," AJ shook his head.

"What'd she want?" Howie asked impatiently.

"She said she felt like the whole thing was her fault-which it was- and that she wanted to help anyway she could. She's been telling us what's been going on in the Super Elite Soc world and said she'd testify that her boyfriend and his friends were drunk that night and that you two fought in self defense," AJ laughed bitterly. "And you know, the bitch still wouldn't accept a soda from me? I'm sticking to my kind of girls. They, at least, know how to treat a man."

Howie glared at AJ and AJ grinned back, but I ignored them, wondering what made Britney come forward like that. It was hard to believe a Soc would ever help a Greaser, even a Soc that liked sunsets and could remember watching them.

The table bumped a little and I rolled my eyes, not even wanting to imagine what they were doing under it. I didn't need to see anything that would burn my retinas, thank you very much.

"You two ready to head back?" AJ asked, running a thumb over the nape of Howie's neck.

"Yeah," Howie nodded emphatically. "We're ready to go home."

"Home?" AJ laughed. "Now, don't go getting attached, Howie. You'll be leaving that church soon."

"I know. We're going home," Howie looked into AJ's eyes. "As in, me and Nicky are turning ourselves in today."

It was AJ's turn to choke. "What? No. No! Uh-uh, no way, not having that. You are not turning yourselves in."

"Yes we are," Howie responded firmly and walked out to the car.

"What? Are you fucking crazy?" AJ hissed, stalking after him. "What the fuck do you mean you're turning yourselves in?"

"I'm tired of staying in that church. We're going home. It's not fair keeping Nicky away from his family," Howie gulped a little as AJ took a corner on two wheels, but his jaw was jutted out and he had that stubborn look on his face.

"Fuck you, Howie."

"I've got a good chance of getting off easy. I don't have a record, it was self-defense and people are going to testify to that," Howie's eyes were huge and his skin was pale as he looked at the speedometer and then back at AJ's murderous expression. "We'll give you back the gun and we won't tell that you were the one that helped us get out of town. That'll work, don't you think?"

"I think you've been watching to much TV," AJ muttered. "The courts aren't nice to guys like us, Howie. Are you sure you want to risk it?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I bet Kevin and Brian are worried about Nicky." Howie lowered his head and asked shyly, "My, um. My parents? Have they, you know, asked about me or anything? Are they worried?"

"The fellas are worried. Chris wanted me to use all my contacts and try to hunt you two down. They're the ones that count, not those fucking people that piss all over you and don't care about you!"

Howie nodded and bit his lip. "I know, AJ. But, my parents. Did they-"

"No, god dammit! No! Okay? They don't give a fuck! Fuck them anyway. The fellas care. The fellas were worried. We're all the family that you need. Come on, Howie. Don't do this to me," AJ growled.

Howie sniffed a few times and looked out the window, not responding. AJ cursed loudly, tires squealing. There were going to be tire tracks all the way from McDonald's to the church, I speculated. I didn't care, though. We were going home! I was so happy that I didn't care if AJ made the car fly.

"Fuck, why didn't you just turn yourself in before, huh? It would have saved a lot of time and trouble," AJ ranted.

"I was scared." Howie looked like a little kicked dog again, and he was starting to cave, I knew it. I hoped he didn't. I wanted to go home. I didn't even care that I was practically bald. Home, home, home, home, home.

"Howie. Howie, I'm not mad at you. I'm trying to look out for you. You know I don't want you getting hurt. You don't understand what a few months in jail can do to you." AJ pulled his sunglasses off and looked in the rear view mirror at me and then flicked a glance at Howie. "You get hardened in jail, and I sure as hell don't mean in the good way. You go in there and when you come out, you won't be the same. And I don't want what happened to me to happen to you..."

I kept looking out the window as if I wasn't really there, but my eyes got big. I couldn't believe that AJ cared about anybody but AJ. AJ just wasn't like that. He was loyal and everything, but in the end, he was all about AJ. To hear him talk like this...wow. AJ never really talked about his past much, but I started thinking about it. In reform school at the age of 10, growing up on the streets, having to take care of himself all by himself....

"You want me to live the rest of my life in hide-outs, always on the run?" Howie asked seriously. I waited, not even breathing. If AJ said yes, then Howie would do it. Howie would keep running for the rest of his life because Howie loved AJ and thought he knew everything. But AJ never got a chance to answer that question. He suddenly slammed on the brakes and stared.

"Damn," he whispered as we all looked in awe. The church was on fire!

"Let's go see what's going on," I said, jumping out of the car.

"For what? Get your ass back in the car before I beat your head in," he growled. I ignored him and kept moving. I knew that he'd have to park the car and catch me before he could do that and Howie was following me anyway, so I figured I was pretty safe. We could hear him cursing in the car as we joined the crowd, but he wasn't mad enough to come after us.

"What's going on?" I asked, walking up to the nearest person.

"We aren't exactly sure," the man said, wiping his face with a cloth. "We were having a school picnic on the hill and suddenly the church caught on fire. Good thing this is the wet season and that old church is pretty much worthless. Stand back children."

"I bet it was one of our cigarettes," I whispered to Howie. He nodded and sighed.

"Lou! There are kids missing and we can't find them anywhere," a woman came running up.

"Don't worry, Donna. They'll turn up," Lou smiled congenially. "They're around here somewhere, you just can't find them because of all of the excitement going on."

"No, they were missing before the fire," Donna gulped. And that was when all of us heard the screaming. We stared at the church.

"I told them not to play in the church. I told them..." Donna looked close to tears.

"Don't worry, ma'am. I'll get them!" I yelled over my shoulder taking off for the church. Lou grabbed my arm and pushed me back. "No, I'll get them, you kids stay back." I just shook my head at him and kept running. If those kids died it would be my fault, mine and Howie's, for not being more careful with our cigarettes.

I wasn't stupid enough to go through the front door where all the fire was. Looking around, I picked up a rock and broke a window, and pulled myself in. I don't know how I didn't cut myself to shreds, now that I think about it.

"Hey, Nicky."

I turned, surprised. I hadn't realized Howie was behind me. I took a deep breath and started coughing, inhaling a lungful of smoke. "What happened to that guy?"

"Window stopped him."

"Too scared?"

"Nope," Howie grinned, "Too fat."

I couldn't laugh, the smoke was too thick for that. "Where are the kids?" Howie shouted over the crackling and roar of the fire. "In the back I guess," I yelled back.

I know I should have been scared, but I felt detached from everything. Almost as if it wasn't me, but someone else that I was observing. I wasn't scared or anything. I was just...kind of blank.

We pushed open the back door and found four or five little kids, about eight or younger, huddled together in a corner. One was screaming at the top of his lungs and Howie yelled, "Shut up, we're gonna get you out!" The kid was so startled he shut up. I kinda blinked myself. Howie wasn't acting anything like himself.

Flames blocked the door. Howie went over to the nearest window, pushed it open and tossed the nearest kid out. I stared at him, and he grinned at me, his face red in the light of the fire. Howie wasn't scared either. That was the only time I've ever seen Howie without that defeated, suspicious look in his eyes. He looked like he was having a great time.

I picked up a kid and he bit me. I leaned out the window and dropped him as gently as I could considering the hurry I was in. AJ was standing near the window in the crowd and he started yelling when he saw me.

"Get your dumb asses out of there right now! That roof's about to cave in! Forget those kids. Nick! Do you hear me?" I ignored him and went back in, snatching up another kid. I dropped him without waiting to see where he landed. The smoke was so thick and I was coughing so hard that I could barely stand up straight. We dropped the last of the kids as the roof started to collapse.

"Get out now!" Howie yelled, shoving me towards the window. I leaped out the window, Howie's screams in my ears. I turned to go back for him, but suddenly AJ was there, cursing, and he hit me hard in the back. I went down into peaceful darkness.

I sat in the waiting room, waiting to hear how Howie and AJ were. I'd been checked over and except for a few burns and a huge bruise across my back, I was fine. Howie and AJ had already been wheeled in. AJ's eyes had been closed, but when I spoke to him, he grinned and told me if I ever did anything that stupid again he'd kill me. He was still cursing at me when they took him on in. Howie was unconscious. I'd been scared to see him, but his face hadn't been burned. He was really pale and sort of sick looking.

Lou Pearlman stayed with me. He kept thanking me for getting the kids out and calling us "heroes." I told him our story, leaving out the part about the gun and jumping in the train and he said we'd probably have an easier time since we were heroes, and because it was self-defense.

When he came back from making a phone call, he told me that some people were looking for me. "Who is it?" I frowned. Lou shrugged.

"They said they were your brothers-" Before he finished, I leapt up and ran to the door but it was already open and Brian had me in a big bear hug and was swinging me around. Finally he put me down and just looked at me.

"Nicky! Your hair. Oh...your hair," he kept saying over and over, pushing it out of my eyes. Over Brian's shoulder, I saw Kevin. He was standing in the doorway, his hands thrust into his pockets.

I moved away from Brian and just stared at Kevin. Kevin didn't like me...he had driven me away that night...he had hit me...Kevin hollered at me all the time...he didn't care what happened to me...Kevin was crying! Not like, bawling or anything, but tears were rolling down his cheeks. I hadn't seen him cry in years. He didn't even cry at Mom and Dad's funeral.

And that's when it hit me. Everything that Brian and Chris and AJ had been trying to tell me made sense. Kevin did care about me, maybe even as much as he cared about Brian, and because he cared he was trying way too hard to make something out of me. All the times he yelled at me, he was just trying to help me do the right thing.

Kevin sighed and turned away silently, his gaze on the floor. "Kevin!" I yelled and the next thing I knew, I had him around the waist and was squeezing as hard as I could.

"Kevin, I'm sorry. So sorry."

He stroked my hair, and I could feel the sobs he was trying to hold back, fighting to keep back the tears. "Nick, god, I thought we had lost you. Lost you like we lost Mom and Dad...I was so scared."

That was Kevin's silent fear; that one of us would go away. I felt Brian behind us and pulled him in for a group hug. It felt so good to be home.

We waited for a long time, but no one would tell us anything. Finally, after Kevin drilled it into the doctor's head that we were the only family Howie and AJ had, he told us what was going on.

AJ was going to be okay after a couple of days in the hospital. One of his arms was badly burned and would be scarred for the rest of his life, but he would get full use of it after a couple weeks. I knew AJ would be okay; he's like a cat. He always lands on his feet.

Howie was in critical condition. His back had been broken when a piece of timber fell on him. He was in severe shock and suffering from third degree burns. They were doing everything they could to help him, but he couldn't even feel the burns from mid-back and down. If he lived...

'If? If he lived? What's with all the ifs? Howie can't die. I won't let him die. There would be no us without Howie. Howie is the heart of the fellas, we all love Howie. No, God, no. Please not if. Please. We couldn't survive without Howie.'

Even if he lived he would be crippled for the rest of his life.

"You wanted me to be blunt, so I was blunt. Now go home and rest. There's nothing else you can do here tonight," the doctor told us.

I could feel myself trembling, but I didn't cry. Greasers didn't cry in the public, where everyone could see them. I wished, I wished that I was like Chris and Nick Lachey-they never cried. Ever. Guess they forgot how to at an early age.

Howie crippled? No, not crippled. Not Howie. I can't believe that. To never play football with us again, or fight next to me in a rumble?

Crippled. He'd be stuck in that house with them forever. Howie wouldn't last. He couldn't survive with those people. They would kill him.

I took a deep breath and bit my lips to keep from crying out. Brian's face looked as though it was made from stone, but his eyes were bleak and dead. Kevin, who had been rubbing my head, said softly, "Come on, let's go home. There's nothing else we can do."

I looked back at the hospital as we pulled off, thinking about Howie and AJ and not even believing that it had only been a couple hours ago that we'd been laughing and joking in a Mickey D's. Funny how life is.

I was the first one awake the next morning. I didn't remember the car ride home or anything, but Brian must have taken my shoes and shirt off, because I was still wearing my jeans. After my shower, I put on clean clothes and spent 15 minutes in front of the mirror mourning my hair. Damned if my ears didn't stick out.

Kevin was still asleep when I went into the kitchen to fix breakfast. The first one up has to fix breakfast and the other two have to do the dishes. It's normally me and Brian that's washing the dishes, since Kevin gets up before either of us.

I opened the refrigerator, hunting up something to eat. I took out the eggs. Each of us likes them differently. I like mine hard, Kevin likes his in a bacon and tomato sandwich and Brian likes his with jelly. All three of us like chocolate cake for breakfast. Mom never allowed it, but Brian and me convinced Kevin to let us have it. It wasn't too hard to convince him, all three of us are crazy about chocolate stuff.

"Anybody home?" a voice called out.

"In here," I yelled, forgetting Kevin and Brian weren't up yet. "Don't slam the door!" Of course they slammed the door and Chris came running into the kitchen, grabbing me and spinning around, ignoring the eggs in my hand.

"Nicky! Long time no see!" he yelled gleefully.

You'd have thought it was five years instead five days since I'd last seen him, but I didn't mind all that much. I liked Chris; he was a good friend. He spun me into Lance who slapped me across my sore back and shoved me across the room. One of the eggs went flying and landed on the clock, so I tightened my hand on the other egg. It broke in my hand and dripped onto the floor.

"Now look what you did," I whined. "There goes our breakfast. Couldn't you two wait until I put the eggs down before you go spinning me all around the kitchen?" I really was mad. I hadn't eaten since that last McFlurry and I was hungry. Lance and Chris ignored me anyway, circling me and staring. I groaned and hunched my shoulders, knowing what was coming.

"Woo! Lance, look at baldy over here. You sell all that blond hair to a wig shop, Nicky? And damn, you are definitely not meant to be a brunette."

"He had to get it cut for the paper. You know, so he can look all pretty for the press," Lance snickered. I blinked.

"The press? We're in the paper?" I stared at the newspaper. 'Juvenile Delinquents Turn Heroes' was spread across the front page.

"I like the title myself," Chris said, scraping egg off the clock. "You were always heroes, you just hadn't turned yet. Classy." The whole page was devoted to stories about us. There was one about Howie killing Justin Timberlake and another explaining about Mom and Dad's deaths. That one also explained how Kevin and Brian worked to keep us together. Then it said we shouldn't be separated after we had worked so hard to stay together. The last line caught my attention.

"They're," I swallowed, not really believing it. "They're thinking of putting me and Brian in a boys home?"

"Something like that, yeah," Lance said, combing his hair.

I sat down, thinking about that. I didn't want to be separated from my brothers. Not after everything we'd been through. Not now that I finally understood Kevin.

"No," I said firmly.

"No?" Chris looked up from the floor where he was getting the egg up.

"No!" I nodded, throwing the paper down. "No, they are not going to separate us."

"Don't worry about it," Lance said dismissively, sure that there was nothing to keep him and Brian from being happy. "They don't throw heroes into jail. Where are Brian and Mr. Body Beautiful?"

Kevin walked in, dressed and shaved and picked Lance off the floor and dropped him. We all call Kevin names like that, cause he's so vain about his body. The one time Lance referred to Kevin as all brawn and no brain Kevin almost shattered his jaw. Kevin was very touchy about never having gone to college. It was the only time I ever saw Brian mad at Lance.

Brian came running in. "Where's my blue shirt?" he asked, drinking some chocolate milk from the container.

"Hate to tell you this, Brian, but there's a law that says you have to wear pants. Although I'm really digging the view here," Lance said from the floor, looking up the leg of Brian's boxers. Eww.

Brian looked down and blushed. "Oh yeah. You seen my jeans, too?"

Kevin swallowed a bite of chocolate cake. "I ironed. Should be hanging up in my closet."

Brian nodded and ran back out of the room, Lance trailing behind him. A couple of minutes later, I heard laughter, which was quickly silenced, and then the bed springs creaked. I made a face. Chris and Kevin exchanged amused glances.

"Did you know that I have to go to juvenile court, Kevin?" I asked. He nodded, not looking at me. "Yeah, the cops told me last night." I realized then that he knew we might get separated so I kept quiet. I didn't want to worry him more.

Brian came bouncing back in, dressed.

"You know what? After the rumble tonight, after we stomp the Socs heads in, Lance and me are going to have a big party. Greasers from all over are invited. Illegal substances for everyone!" he yelled gleefully, jumping on Chris' back.

"You and what money, little man?" Kevin asked, amused, as Chris dumped Brian on the floor. Brian grimaced and got up. "Don't worry, I'll think of something."

"You going to take Leighanne to this party or is it a guy thing only?" I laughed. The room became silent. "Okay. What?" I asked, looking at them.

Brian stared at his feet. "No, uh. Leigh. Um, went to live with her grandmother in Florida."

"She did? Why?"

"Does he have to draw you a fucking picture?" Lance practically snarled at me. "It was either that or get married. Fuck that. Besides, her parents weren't about to let her marry a sixteen year old kid."

"Seventeen," Brian whispered. "I'll be seventeen in a couple weeks."

"Oh," I said, my face redder than Brian's ears.

The room fell silent again.

"We better get going, B-Rok," Kevin said. He rarely called Brian by Dad's name for him, but he knew how bad Brian was feeling.

"I feel bad about leaving you home on your first day back, Nick. Maybe I should stay home," Kevin said, looking at me.

"I'm not a kid, Kevin. I can stay home by myself," I rolled my eyes.

"It's just that today's your first day-"

"I'll baby-sit the kid," Chris laughed. "I don't have anything else to do."

I hit him in the arm.

"Why don't you get a job?" Lance asked. "Ever think of working for a living?"

Chris grabbed his chest and gasped. "Work? What the hell is wrong with you? Why do I need to work?"

"Yeah, yeah," Lance waved his hand and walked out the door.

"That is one sick boy. Work," Chris said in disgust.

"You two do the dishes. You can go to the movies before visiting Howie and AJ if you want. Nick, you don't look all that hot. Take a couple aspirin and go easy today. You smoke more than a pack and I'll skin you alive,

understood?"

"Sir, yes sir," I saluted.

He saluted me with his middle finger and went out the door. I heard the car vrrrrrooom and figured Brian was driving. I went to search for that aspirin. I could sure use it.

We weren't allowed to see Howie. We left a copy of Gone With the Wind for him with the nurse. AJ couldn't have visitors either. Apparently Nick Lachey had gone to see him earlier and, well, let's just say they disrupted the hospital a little. Chris had caught me almost passing out, but I made him promise not to tell Kevin. I took about 6 aspirin and hoped they did the job before the big fight tonight.

"Brian," I called out, staring at my face in the mirror. "When did you start shaving?"

"When I was fifteen," he yelled back.

"When did Kevin?"

"When he was thirteen. Why? You planning on growing a beard for the fight tonight?"

"Funny. We should send you in to Reader's Digest. I hear they pay a lot of money for funny things." Brian laughed and kept playing poker with Lance in the living room. Or more like cheating. He and AJ had sat up one night and AJ had shown Brian how to cheat. Brian was nowhere near as good at it as AJ was, but he was getting there.

I sat in an armchair while we waited for Chris to show up.

"Brian, why do you like to fight?" I asked, wishing my headache would go away.

"I don't know," Brian gave me a puzzled look. "It's a contest, a puzzle. It's action."

"I know why I like fighting. I want to beat those Socs heads in. When I get into a fight I want to destroy the other guy. It's fun too," Lance nodded, gulping a swig of beer.

"How come you fight, Kevin?" I asked, looking up at him. He stood behind me in a tight black shirt, outlining every muscle in his chest. I suddenly felt stupid in my too baggy T-shirt, but I'd lost weight and none of my shirts fit me right.

Kevin gave me one of those looks where I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but Brian piped up, "To show off his muscles."

"I'm going to show 'em off on you if you keep running your mouth, little man."

I thought about that and knew that was the truth. Kevin liked to do things to prove how strong he was. He never said anything about it, but I know he likes fights. That made me feel weird. I'll fight anyone anytime, but I just don't like to fight.

"Nick, maybe you fighting tonight isn't such a good idea," Kevin said slowly, still watching me.

"What? Why? Haven't I always come through and proven myself?"

Kevin nodded grinning, "Yeah, you fight real good for a boy your size, but you don't look so good. You were in shape before. You're too tense now."

"We're all tense before a fight, Kevin. Let him fight tonight. It's going to be a regular skin battle-no weapons," Lance said, his feet in Brian's lap. Brian's eyes were glazed over. If I hadn't been so happy about him being on my side for once I might have gagged.

"Come on Kevin. Please," I pleaded.

"Well, we do need everyone we can get tonight. Johnny won't be there to help you out, but then neither will Drew Lachey," Kevin thought out loud, watching as Brian attempted to get the card in his lap without Lance noticing it.

"Where's Drew?" I asked.

"He's back in the reformatory," Lance said, kicking the ace out of Brian's lap.

Again? "Come on Kevin, let me fight. It's just skin, I won't get hurt," I pleaded.

"Fine. Okay, you can. But if you get in trouble, just yell," Kevin sighed.

"I'll be okay," I said, tired. "How come you never bother Brian the way you bother me?"

"Brian?" Kevin laughed and slung an arm around Brian's shoulders. "This is definitely one kid brother I don't have to worry about."

Brian punched him affectionately in the ribs.

"Brian can use his head."

Brian looked down his nose at me in mock seriousness as Kevin went on, "As you can see, he uses it to grow a lot of hair. Doesn't he look like a Chia Pet with the sideburns?" Kevin ducked Brian's swing and took off running out the door just as Chris opened it. Jumping off the steps, Kevin turned a somersault in mid-air and bounced back up before Brian could catch him.

"Well, I'm glad to see we're all in high spirits for the big fight tonight," Chris sniggered. "Is everybody happy?"

"YES!" Brian screamed as he, too, did a somersault off the steps. He flipped up to walk on his hands and then did a no-hands cartwheel across the yard to beat Kevin's performance.

It seemed the excitement was catching. Lance went running across the yard in running leaps, screeching at the top of his lungs, stopped suddenly and flipped backwards. We could all do acrobatics because Kevin had taken a course at the YMCA and then spent a whole summer teaching us everything he had learned on the grounds that it might come in handy in a fight. All it really did was put Chris and Brian in jail one night. They were doing cartwheels and mid-air flips down the sidewalk and generally disturbing the public. Still it was fun.

With a loud whoop, I did a no hands cartwheel off the porch steps, hit the ground and rolled to my feet. Chris followed me.

"I am a greaser," Brian chanted. "I am a JD and a hood. I blacken the name of our fair city. I beat up people. I rob gas stations. I am a menace to society. Man, do I have fun!"

"Greaser...greaser...greaser," Lance sing-songed. "O, victim of environment, underprivileged, rotten, no-count hood!"

"Juvenile delinquent, you're no good!" Kevin shouted.

"Get thee hence, white trash," Chris said in a snobbish voice. "I am a Soc. I am the privileged and the well dressed. I throw beer blasts, drive fancy cars, and break windows at fancy parties."

"And what do you do for fun?" I inquired in a serious, awed voice.

"I jump greasers!" Chris yelled and did a cartwheel. We settled down as we got to the lot. Chris was the only one of any of us wearing a jacket, and he was only wearing one because he had cans of beer stuffed in the pockets. He always got drunk before any big thing. Man, I hope I never get to the point where I have to get my courage from a can.

Nick Lachey and Company were already at the lot, as was this other gang, O-Town. Nick and the leader of O-Town, Dan, shook hands with all of us, proving that we were on the same side in this fight. Not that I'd call anyone in either gang my friend, but it's still good to know you have allies. When Nick got to me, he studied me, probably remembering when Drew and me tried to burn holes into each other's fingers.

"You and the quiet kid with the hair, you're the ones that killed that Soc?"

"Yeah," I said, pretending that I was proud of it. Then I thought about Britney and JC and I felt sick to my stomach.

"Good going, kid. Drew always said you were a good kid. He's in the reformatory again, the little..." and Nick proceeded to call Drew every unprintable name there was. Terms of affection in Nick's eyes.

I looked around with pride. I was the youngest one there. I could tell Kevin knew this too, and although he was proud, he was still worried. Well, there wasn't anything I could do about that. One of the O-Town boys waved me over. He looked too soft to be in a fight with his blonde hair and big blue eyes. We mostly stuck with our own groups, so I was a little worried about going over.

"That big guy over there with y'all. You know him?"

"I ought to, he's my brother."

"No kiddin'? I got a feeling he's going to be asked to be the one to start the fight off. He a pretty good rumbler?"

He meant fighter. Those O-Town boys weren't too terribly literate or smart. Only an O-Town boy would call a fight a rumble. But they always wanted to be like the rest of us, so, what can you do? They can't help it if they're corny.

"Hey, Curtis!" Nick yelled.

"Which one?" Brian yelled back.

"The big one. Come on over here."

The guy from O-Town gave me an I-told-you-so look.

I watched Kevin go over to Nick and Dan, the leader of the O-Town boys.

He shouldn't be here. Kevin's not a greaser, and he never will be a greaser. He's better than this; he's better than us. Brian and me, we keep him a greaser.

I went back to stand with Brian, Lance and Chris as the Socs began to arrive.

They lined up silently, facing us. I looked for JC, but he wasn't there. I counted. Twenty-two of them, twenty of us. Not bad. Kevin liked to fight two guys at once anyway.

"Let's get the rules straight," a Soc stepped forward. "Just a regular skin fight. No weapons other than our hands, right?"

"You comprehend real well," Nick nodded. The Soc sneered but didn't say anything. It was still as everyone waited to see who would start the fight off. Finally, Kevin stepped forward.

"I challenge any one of you," he said loudly, his eyes like pieces of green ice. For a minute, it looked as though no one was brave enough to take him on. Then there was a stir as someone stepped forward.

"Hello, Kevin."

Something flickered behind Kevin's eyes and then they were ice again.

"Hello, Jeff."

Brian gasped and I realized that that was Jeff Timmons. As in Jeffrey Timmons, the love of Kevin's life. Or he was until...well, I don't know what happened. Brian tried to explain it to me once, but it didn't make sense to me. I do know that Jeff's parents never liked Kevin. I'm not sure if it's because Kevin was their son's boyfriend, or because Kevin was a greaser or both. The summer that Mom and Dad died was the same summer that Jeff and Kevin graduated. Jeff went abroad, Kevin stayed here to make some money to put towards college the next year, scholarship money only going to far.

Things were going great, and then Mom and Died were killed. At the funeral Jeff came by, but he didn't come alone. Seems Jeff had come home early to surprise his parents (who weren't really surprised) with his new wife and baby. After that, Kevin changed. He became distant and cold and adult all at once. Looking at Jeff, I saw flashes of sadness, contempt, pity and hate. I don't think Jeff was as happy with his life as he wanted Kevin to believe.

There was silence as everyone watched Kevin and Jeff circle each other. Where Kevin was tall, Jeff was wide and thick with muscle. It was like watching the Titans fight.

"Hey! Hey, hold up!" a voice pierced through the silence. Kevin's head turned to see who it was and Jeff swung, a hard right to the jaw that would have felled anyone except Kevin. It was AJ! AJ came running up to join us and the fight was on!

"They're running! Look at the dirty Socs run!" someone yelled. I lay on the ground staring up at the sky, dazed from where someone had kicked me repeatedly in the head. Turning my head, I saw that, yes, the Socs were running. They ran to their cars and jumped in, pealing out of our territory. We had won.

"We won," AJ repeated dully. "We beat the Socs." I just blinked and looked around. Nick Lachey was cursing up a storm because his nose had been broken. (This was about the third time.) Lance was groaning about ten feet away from me and holding his side. We found out later he had three broken ribs. Brian was beside him, talking to him quietly and holding his hand. I did a double take when I saw Chris-he had blood down one side of his face and one hand was busted open.

AJ, who was standing beside me, suddenly grabbed me by my shirt and hauled me up and began to drag me off the lot. "Come on, we're going to see Howie! We have to hurry, he was getting worse when I left." I don't know how fast AJ drove Fatone's car or all the traffic laws we broke, and I don't want to know.

We ran through the lobby and crowded people out of the elevator. People yelled at us, but AJ was determined. All he had on his mind was Howie. When we finally arrived at Howie's hospital room the doctor stopped us.

"I'm sorry boys, but he's dying."

"We gotta see him," AJ said, pulling out his knife and flicking it open. "We're going to see him. You can let us go in, or we can go through you. I don't much care either way."

The doctor didn't even look at the knife.

"You can see him, but only because you're his friends. Not because of the knife."

AJ looked at him for a second before putting the knife back into his pocket. We both went into Howie's room. Everything was so still and silent in his room. I looked at Howie and he lay so still and quiet that I thought we were too late. But AJ stepped forward.

"Howie?" he whispered, wiping the sweat from his face. I noticed for the first time that AJ wasn't wearing sunglasses. I think it was the first time I'd ever seen him go voluntarily without them. "Howie?"

"Hey." Howie's eyes opened and he focused on us.

"We won, Howie. We stomped those Socs real good."

"Useless...fighting never.... solved anything." Howie didn't even try to smile. He was awfully pale.

"You know, they're still writing editorials about you, man. You're a hero. We're all proud of you. I'm proud of you." AJ kneeled next to Howie's bed. "Proud of you and love you so much, Howie. You're my family. All the family I ever needed or wanted.

Howie's eyes glowed. All he ever wanted was to be good for AJ. Make AJ love him and be proud of him.

"Nicky." I barely heard him. I came closer to the other side of the bed. AJ rubbed one of Howie's hands between his two, but I don't think Howie noticed.

"Stay gold, Nicky. Stay gold." The pillow seemed to sink a little and Howie died.

You read about people looking peaceful when they're dead, but they don't. Howie didn't look like anything but dead. As if the insides were gone and a shell was lying in the bed. I tried to say something, but I couldn't make a sound.

AJ swallowed and pushed Howie's hair back.

"You never could keep that hair out of your eyes...that's what you get for trying to help people, you asshole, that's what you get..."

Whirling suddenly, he punched a hole into the wall.

"Howie," he howled, crumpling to the floor on his knees. "Oh, fuck. Howie, don't leave me. Please don't die. Don't die."

Before I could blink he tore out of the room and down the hall.

I walked out of the hospital in a daze. AJ had taken the car and I started the long walk home. Howie was dead. But, what was dead? Was he in heaven? What was heaven? Was heaven his parents loving him and caring about where he was at night? Or was heaven playing football on the lot forever? I didn't know, but my best friend couldn't be dead. How could he be? I was just talking to him. No, Howie wasn't dead. He isn't dead and he can't die. I convinced myself that he wasn't dead and it worked.

I must have wandered around on the streets for hours, stumbling out into the street and getting honked at by car horns and cussed out from angry drivers. I might have stumbled all night except for a man who asked me if I needed a ride.

"What? Oh. Um. Yeah, thanks, man," I said and I got in. The man, who was in his mid-twenties, looked at me.

"You alright, kid? You look like you've been in a fight."

"I was. I'm okay."

Howie is not dead.

"I hate to tell you this, kid, but you're bleeding all over my seats."

"I am?"

"Your head."

I reached up to scratch the side of my head that had been itching me like crazy, and when I brought my hand down it was smeared with blood.

"Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't know." I blinked at my hand covered in red liquid.

"Don't worry about it, my car's been through worse. Where do you live? I'm not about to dump you on the street in this condition."

I gave him my address and he dropped me off, telling me to look after myself better from now on.

What was left of the fellas was in the living room. Lance was stretched out on the sofa, his shirt unbuttoned and his side bandaged. He looked up at me when I came in and I wondered if my eyes looked as red and feverish as his. Brian had a wide cut across his lip and a bruise on his cheek. Chris' face was taped up. They told me later he had four stitches in his cheek and seven in his hand where he busted it over some Socs head. They were all lounging around, reading and smoking.

Where's the party? Didn't Brian and Lance plan on having a party? Kevin jumped to his feet as soon as he saw me.

"Where have you been?"

Oh, let's not start that again.

"Nick, what's the matter?"

"Howie's dead," I said dully, looking at them all. "We told him we beat the Socs...and he died."

There was a stricken silence. I don't know if any of us had really believed Howie was going to die. Not that quickly. Brian made a funny noise and looked like he was going to start crying. Chris' eyes were closed and his teeth were clenched and I suddenly remembered AJ...AJ freaking out and punching the wall and pleading with Howie. AJ...

"AJ's gone. He freaked out, punched a hole in the wall, and then left. He's gonna blow up. He couldn't take it."

How can I take it? AJ's tougher than I am. How can I accept that my best friend is dead? Dead before his twenty-first birthday. So many things, wishes that he'll never have.

"So he finally broke. So even AJ has a breaking point," only Chris was brave enough to say what was on everyone's mind.

I started trembling. Kevin said something to Brian.

"Nicky-" I flinched at that name. That's what Howie always called me. He wouldn't call me that anymore.

Brian saw me flinch and paused.

"Nick, you don't look so good. Why don't you sit down?"

I backed up, feeling like a cornered animal and shook my head. "No. I don't want to sit down."

Kevin took a step towards me, but I backed away again. "Don't touch me."

The phone rang, and after a moment's hesitation Kevin turned and answered it. He said hello, and then listened. He hung up quickly.

"That was AJ. He just robbed a grocery store and the cops are after him. We need to meet him at the lot and hide him."

All of us left the house at a dead run, even Lance, and I wondered vaguely why no one wanted to do somersaults this time. Things slid in and out of focus and I laughed a little because I noticed that I couldn't run in a straight line.

We reached the vacant lot at the same time AJ did. The wail of a siren was loud as a police car pulled up across the street from the lot. Car doors were opened and policemen poured out. AJ had reached the circle of light under the street lamp, when he stopped running, skidding to a halt. Turning around, he jerked something from his waistband and pointed it at the police officers.

'"AJ! You can kill people with guns."

"You can kill them with knives too, can't you? Don't worry so much. It's not loaded. I'm not trying to go to jail for murder. It's more for show than anything else. Helps keep people out of my face."'

"AJ! No!" I didn't even realize it was my voice yelling before the barrage of gunfire started, jerking AJ's body around in a silent, solo dance. On his face there was a look of triumph as slowly he crumpled downwards. He was dead before he hit the ground.

Nobody would ever write editorials praising AJ McLean. Two of my friends died that night: one a hero and the other a hoodlum. But I remember things...I remembered AJ knocking me to ground to put out the fire on my back...AJ telling the cops me and Howie were heading to Texas when we weren't even 30 miles from the city...AJ pulling Howie from that burning church...AJ and Howie silently watching each other...holding hands...looking at one another across a room and conveying so much while never saying a word. AJ didn't die a hero; he died violent and young just as we all knew he would. Just like so many greasers would over and over, day in and day out, until no one even remembered their names or faces. But I remember.

Lance stumbled forward with a sob, but Brian caught him by the shoulders.

"Easy, Lance. Shh, there's nothing we can do," he said softly, wrapping his arms around him.

Nothing we can do...no one. The world started spinning around me, faces and lights and people and noises dancing around me. It swirled into a convoluted mass of colors and I felt myself swaying with it around and around and down. I heard someone yell, "Catch the kid."

And the ground rushed up to meet me suddenly.

The hearing wasn't anything like I thought it'd be. There wasn't anybody there except me and Kevin and Brian and Britney and JC and a couple of other guys that were there when Howie killed Justin Timberlake.

They told the story, just like it happened, and both JC and Britney testified that Justin was drunk and everything Howie and I had done was in self-defense. The judge questioned everyone really carefully, but there were no emotional breakdowns or anything like there are on TV.

I was acquitted and the whole case was closed. Just like that.

I'd like to say that after that everything went back to normal and we all lived happily ever after. But we didn't. Especially me. I started running into things like the wall and the door and coffee tables and desks. I kept losing things. I'd always been a little scatter brained, but it was almost as if I had suddenly gone off the deep end.

I considered it a good day if I came home with the right homework and both shoes on my feet. I walked all the way home once in just my socks and I never realized it until Lance made some snide remark about it. I guess I left them in the locker room at school, but I don't know. I never did find those shoes.

I quit eating. I couldn't stand it. Everything tasted like peanut butter and jelly, reminding me of that week in the church. I used to eat like a horse and now I'd be lucky if I ate once every two days. I was messing up in school too. Math was okay because Kevin checked it and caught most of my mistakes and made me do it again. But in my English classes I was really in trouble. I used to make As and now I'd be lucky if I was making a D.

It bothered my English teacher too. He was a cool guy, making you think and feel like a real person in class. One day he told me to stay after everyone else had left.

"Nickolas, I want to talk to you about your grades." I sank into my seat, wishing I could get the hell out of there. I knew I was flunking out of the class, but I just couldn't help it.

"The truth is, there isn't anything to talk about. You're failing. But, taking into consideration the past year, I'm willing to make a deal with you. If you can come up with a good semester theme, I'm willing to pass you in this class with a 'C.'"

In other words, he knew I was fucking up because I'd gotten into so much trouble. I sank lower in my seat. A 'C' no less.

"Okay, sir," I nodded. "I'll do my best. What's the theme supposed to be about?"

"Anything you can think of. I want it to be all your own thoughts and opinions."

I tried to write the theme. I honestly did. But I didn't know what to write about. I was reduced to doodling my name over and over on the paper when Brian finally came home from work.

"Any mail for me?" I heard him ask.

A little later, he came in. He flopped on the bed and lit a cigarette, which was weird. Brian only smokes to calm his nerves, or when he wants to look cool. He stared at the ceiling and smoked, not saying anything. I glanced over at him.

"What's up, Bri?"

"Nothing."

I left it at that, figuring if he wanted to talk he would. Brian stayed like that all night, not talking and staring off into space.

After dinner Kevin and I got into another fight. This one started because I hadn't written any of my theme yet and I wanted to go for a ride. When we used to fight, I'd stand there and let Kevin yell at me, but lately I had started yelling back.

"Why are you bothering me about school anyway? Once I graduate I'm just going to get some minimum pay job any damn way. Look at Brian, he dropped out and he's doing okay. So leave me alone," I shouted at Kevin.

"You're not dropping out Nick! With your brains and your grades you could get a scholarship and Brian and me could put you through college. But the grades aren't the important thing right now. Nick you can't keep sleepwalking through life. Howie and AJ were our friends too, but you don't stop living just because someone dies. I thought you knew that by now-you don't quit, you get stronger. And anytime you don't like the way I'm running things around here, you can get the hell out," he threw back at me.

"That's what you want, isn't it? You've been trying to find a way to kick me out of the house. Well, Brian won't let you, will you, Brian? Brian?" But when I looked at Brian, I shut up.

Brian's skin was chalky and his eyes were wide and pain filled.

"Don't. Please, I can't. You two just..." he didn't even finish, just bolted out the door and up the street as fast as he could. Kevin and I looked blankly at each other. Kevin bent and picked up the envelope he'd dropped.

"It's the letter he wrote Leighanne. Returned unopened," he said, his face without expression.

So that was what had been bothering Brian. I hadn't thought to ask Brian how he was doing, too buried in my own problems and myself. I never had paid much attention to Brian's problems. Guess Kevin and me just assumed he didn't have any.

"When Leigh left... it wasn't his, Nick. He told me that he loved Leigh, but he had decided to stay true to Lance. And, it wasn't his."

"You don't have to draw me a picture, Kevin," I sighed, staring out the window.

"He was going to marry her anyway, but she didn't want that so she just left. I thought he had talked about this with you. I figured he'd have told you before he told anyone," Kevin frowned at me.

"Maybe he tried, and I just didn't listen," I said sadly. How many times had Brian tried to tell me something only to see I was daydreaming or so involved in my self that he stopped? I was a shitty brother. But I'd make it up to Brian if it were the last thing I did.

"He cried every night that week you were gone. Both you and Leigh in the same week. Come on, let's go after him," Kevin said, putting the envelope down. I followed him out of the door.

We decided to split up and ambush him. Even out of shape I was the best runner in the family. We chased him all the way to the park, where we circled him and attacked, tackling him to the ground.

"Oof!"

"Ahh!"

"Unf!" After untangling ourselves and avoiding kicking each other in the head too many times, we sat, panting and looking at one another.

"Where did you think you were going?" I asked, lying back in the grass, trying to catch my breath. Man, I was going to have to cut out the cigarettes and soon.

Brian shrugged, tugging at the grass in front of him. "I don't know. I didn't really care as long as I could go somewhere where there was no fighting and I wasn't getting tugged back and forth. I'm tired of being in the middle all of the time."

Kevin and I looked guiltily at each other.

"I can't take sides," Brian continued. "I can't. Because I can see both sides. Kevin needs to lighten up sometimes and stop nitpicking every single thing. And Nick, you need to stand up and accept some responsibilities."

Brian sighed and looked at both of us.

"Sorry, Brian."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry, Brian."

"It's just...after everything that's happened, you'd think you two would understand. We're all the three of us have. We need to be sticking together, not tearing each other apart. If we don't have each other then we don't have anything. And if you don't have anything then you end up like AJ. I don't mean dead-I mean the way he was before. To me, that's worse than dead. Please" Brian wiped his eyes on his arm. "Please don't fight anymore. I can't take it."

Kevin and I nodded, looking at each other over Brian's bent head. Kevin looked as upset as I felt. I suddenly realized that Kevin wasn't that much older than me. He wasn't so much older that he couldn't feel hurt or scared and as lost as the rest of us. I'd been expecting Kevin to do all the understanding without ever trying to understand him. That was wrong. And he gave up his dreams for Brian and me. The least I could do was try and meet him half way.

"Sure, little man," Kevin nodded. "We're not going to fight anymore."

"Nick, don't you start crying. One crybaby in the family is enough."

"I'm not crying," I told him, but I think I was lying. My lower lip was trembling.

"No more fights, okay, Nicky?" Kevin looked at me, smiling slightly.

"No more fights," I nodded. Kevin and I would always have disagreements, but we would try very hard not to go overboard again. We couldn't, not if it hurt Brian.

"Let's go home," Brian stood, reaching out a hand to both of us. We accepted them and I knew things would get better. Instead of tearing Brian apart, Kevin and I would be using him to pull us all together. Like a family should be.

When we came home I still wasn't ready to tackle that theme, so I looked around for something to read. I'd read everything in the house at least six zillion times, but I needed something to occupy my mind. My eyes caught on Howie's copy of Gone With the Wind. The one Chris and me bought for him at the hospital. I hadn't touched it before, never certain I could get past the part when gallant men rode off into the war, the last part Johnny and I had read together. But I felt ready tonight. Taking a deep breath, I opened the book. A slip of paper fell out onto the floor and I picked it up.

Nicky,

It wasn't Howie's handwriting, but I figured the nurse had written the letter for him. I closed my eyes, holding my breath before letting it out slowly. I now was ready to read it.

The doctor came in a while ago, but I knew anyway. I keep getting more and more tired. I don't mind dying now. It's worth it. It's worth saving those kids. Their lives are worth more than mine; they have more to live for. Some of their parents came by to thank me and I know it was worth it. Tell AJ it's worth it. I'm going to miss you guys. I've been thinking about it, about that poem that guy wrote, and I get it. He meant that when you're a kid, everything's new, dawn. It's just that when you get used to everything, then it becomes day. Like the way you like sunsets, Nicky. That's gold. Keep that way; it's a good way to be. I want you to tell AJ to look at one. He'll probably think you're crazy, but ask for me. I don't think he's ever really seen a sunset. And don't be so bugged over being a greaser. You still have a lot of time to ma!ke yourself what you want to be. There's still lots of good in the world. Tell AJ that. I don't think he knows.

Your buddy,

Howie

Tell AJ. It was too late for AJ, and I don't think he would have listened anyway. Suddenly, what Howie wrote to me didn't seem like such a personal thing. I began to imagine boys all over the world understanding all of this. Words, thoughts and pictures came to my head and I had an idea. Someone needed to tell this story, their story. A story of a boy living on the wrong side of the tracks. Maybe then people would understand. Maybe people wouldn't be so quick to judge and so quick to pigeonhole things. This was important to me. More than important-this was a need inside of me that had to be fulfilled.

I sat down and picked up my pen and thought for a minute. Remembering. Remembering three different boys, each with their own story to tell, their own heartache in this world. Remembering, and it didn't hurt as much this time. One week had taken the lives of three very important people and I decided that it was up to me to tell this story, starting with my English class. I wondered for a long time exactly how to start the theme, how to start off something so important as this. And I finally began it like this:

As I stepped out of the darkness of the auditorium I had only two things on my mind: Kevin and a ride home.