All the usual disclaimers apply. The characters may belong to Paramount, but what they do between episodes, during the summer, and in my rather dangerous mind are my concern. This is, after all, my alternate universe.
It had started several weeks ago. Another worm hole, another disappointment, and no way to even send a message. Crew morale had sunk to its lowest in two years. Even on Hanon 4, morale had been OK. Everybody had been too busy to think of their situation and then morale had simply soared when they returned home to Voyager. Then came the wormhole and morale crashed.
That's when the practical joker had struck. The first was when a Telerian Frog had leapt out of Neelix's soup as he served it. The soup ended up in the disposal, the frog now lived in the hydroponics bay. B'Elanna had been the next known target--her Klingon exercise program villains had been reprogrammed to be rabbits. Kes discovered a tomato worm in her garden. It had taken her a few seconds to realize the worm and the apparent damage were human made. Harry discovered that someone had reprogrammed his orchestra audio program to play the Mozart Clarinet Concerto in the wrong key. And so the crew found themselves victims of the practical joker. And after 2.5 weeks of this, about half the crew were victims. And almost all the senior staff.
Almost, because there was no point in playing a joke on the staid Vulcan, the Doc had been unaffected, and of course the Captain and Commander were off limits. And for some reason Tom Paris had not been a victim.
After five weeks, pretty much the entire crew had been victimized at least once. Except for the previous 5.
Tom knew he was in trouble, when he entered the dining hall. He had heard the usual chatter as he approached, but when he entered, silence. He looked around--almost everybody was watching him. He swaggered to the counter, avoided Neelix's steely glare, and served himself dinner, then went to sit down. There was one empty table, he examined it carefully and sat. The chatter started up again.
This was ridiculous he thought when he finished. He stopped at Harry's table. Even his best friend seemed to be ignoring him. He looked around, all those eyes were on him. "Come on. I'm not the practical joker." he said to the crowd.
"Yea, right Tom," Harry said. The others agreed.
"If I were, don't you think I would pull one on myself." Everybody ignored him. "I'll prove it to you. I'll find the real culprit."
Janeway had watched the exchange from the dining hall door. She had to smile. For five weeks the practical joker had gotten away with it. But only because she figured that the anger and laughter created by the jokes beat the ship-wide depression after the wormhole had closed up on them. She also planned on telling that person to stop, but not until the wonderful joke being played out now was finished.
Tuvok had determined who the practical joker was within an hour of the frog, but she had told him and Commander Chakotay that all they would do is monitor the situation. Tuvok had raised an eyebrow, but Chakotay had understood. The joker was creating jokes that did not harm the ship or the crew. And morale had improved--the crew talked about the most recent joke, the likely next victim, and who the perpetrator was, not about the wormhole.
Tom spent the night in his quarters, running through reports. Tuvok must have found out who. He found the list of victims, but no mention of who did it. Then again, maybe he hadn't. He studied the list and decided to look for a pattern instead. Whoever it was, he or she was good. The practical jokes were tailor made for the victim and with a few exceptions done through the computer. He stopped and smiled. "Hey everybody, I have been a victim." He whispered to the ship. "I being set up for the fall." He laughed. Now, who could carry this off. B'Elanna, no she didn't have that refined a sense of humor or the patience to carry it off. Harry, innocent looking Harry. Tom thought a moment. It probably was though. "Computer, locate Ensign Kim."
"Ensign Kim is in his quarters."
Tom logged off his computer and logged on, using a higher security clearance. "Computer mirror what is on Ensign Kim's screen. Authorization Paris alpha 2 omega." He looked at the screen and smiled. "Harry, Harry, I didn't know you had it in you." But who would believe him. In two years Harry had created this sweet, innocent persona. Most of the crew thought of him in that way. His screen started to flash. He looked at it.
'Took you long enough,' Harry had written.
Tom typed back, 'I'll get you.' But how? He typed again. 'If I'm going to be framed for this, at least let me help.'
'OK.' was the response.
#
#
The practical jokes continued for another two weeks, but were becoming fewer and farther apart.
"You know, Harry. We should probably stop--we'll get caught and then everybody will come after us."
"I suppose you're right. I'm running out of ideas anyway."
Tom grinned. "But we should go out in a blaze of glory."
Harry was suspicious. "What do you have in mind. No, Tom. We've avoided doing..."
"The crew would love it."
"Yea, when we're put in chains and she allows the crew to lob tomatoes at us."
"It would still be worth it. Something appropriate."
"Coffee?" Harry was starting to get into the swing of things.
"To easy and no one would notice. A snake in her bathtub?"
"I don't have a snake--and I've already done a frog in the soup."
"What's her current holonovel?"
"She has a security lock on her programs." Harry looked sheepish. "I thought about it, once upon a time."
"Could you design a parallel program?"
"Huh."
Tom explained.
#
#
Senior Staff briefing was boring. Nothing was wrong, no one had bothered attacking them. In fact in the past 3 weeks they hadn't even seen another ship. The only news was an update on the practical joker. Neelix still was upset about the frog--every time he went to the hydroponics garden it was there to remind him.
When the Captain dismissed the crew, she asked Chakotay and Tuvok to remain.
"It seems the practical jokers are not as active," she stated.
"That is correct." Tuvok handed her his data padd. "Captain, there have been developments in that situation."
As she read it, she couldn't decide to laugh or be angry. "Thank you Lieutenant. We'll be out in a few minutes."
"Very good Captain." Tuvok left.
She handed the data padd to Chakotay. He read it and laughed. "Snakes slithering across the floor. You're still doing some Victorian holonovel story. I'd like to see this."
"I'm sure you would.' She grinned at him. "I don't think any snakes will be slithering anywhere. But, I think it is time for the practical jokes to end. And I have no intention of being labeled a poor sport. Care to help." Her grin grew bigger. She looked at the computer terminal. "First I'll sign up for the holodeck--tomorrow evening. And then we'll need..."
#
#
Tom and Harry noticed that the Captain had signed up to use holodeck 2, then set out to finish their plans. Harry finished cross-linking their slithering snake program to the Captain's holonovel. And then prepared to enjoy their last practical joke the next evening.
#
#
The next day on the bridge was like the previous 21. Dull. Janeway ordered a complete long range sensor scan to change the routine. When the results came back, she controlled her urge to grin and flicked a few switches. Chakotay watched the crew--their reaction should be good. Or had better be--they had spent a lot of time setting this up.
From the speakers throughout the ship came the strains of Mozart's clarinet concerto. And on the viewing screens throughout the ship, came the image of Tom--tossing and turning in his sleep. Then came that infamous high A and the clarinet squeaked.
The crew were laughing. Harry thought about hiding, Tom just sat there.
"Mr. Tuvok, shut that off." The Captain said authoritatively.
"Yes Captain." If Mr. Tuvok could have looked puzzled he would have. This was an unexpected practical joke.
"Open a ship wide channel." She winked at Chakotay. When Tuvok was ready, she began. "This is Captain Janeway. For the past month and half there has been a rash of practical jokes. I've tolerated them because they have helped improve morale. But that was the last one. As of now, no more. Janeway out." She looked at Chakotay. He was close to laughing too. "Mr. Paris you have the bridge, Commander, Mr. Tuvok in my ready room."
"Captain, I can trace the origins of the signal..." Tuvok said when the door closed.
"No need, Lieutenant. I know who was responsible. I want you to prepare a series of training drills starting tomorrow."
"Yes Captain. I'll have them ready for your approval in four hours."
"Very good Mr. Tuvok. Dismissed."
When the doors closed again she started laughing. Chakotay joined her.
"Kathryn, I would never have suspected this side of you."
"It's all your fault. Your sense of humor must be rubbing off. I wonder if they have any idea who did it?"
"They may be suspicious, but we laid such a complicated trail, ending in Tuvok's quarters that they'll never trace how it was done."
She smiled again. "I still have the holodeck for this evening, and I'm not in the mood for a holonovel. You interested in coming along."