Seven stared at her regeneration chamber, her thoughts in turmoil. She had spent the past 3.2 days in engineering, an occupation she usually found satisfactory.
But not recently. She had been very aware of the discomfort of the crew as she had worked at her tasks.
Everybody had been silent and tense, even Ensign Kim...Harry...had seemed distant.
Her thoughts returned to the machine before her; the regeneration chamber. A reminder of what she had been--a reminder of what she had yet to become. It was no longer a haven...a place to hide from that mistrust. She longed for the days of mindless activity, no need to think for oneself...
No need to please others. One just did...
She felt her losses tonight. Her loss of oneness with the collective. No decisions...no regrets...
Regrets--such a human concept...An emotional one, she guessed, having little experience with the feelings that were welling up inside her.
Mostly tonight she felt alone...lost...cut-off.
She felt the loss of the connection she had started to...enjoy...with those few crewmembers who tried to be more than just another face...
She noticed the PADD lying by the chamber and reached to pick it up. "Lesson four," she read in a dry monotone. "Dining hall conversation. Good morning, insert-name-of-appropriate-crewmember. How are you today?" She stared at the words, then continued her voice holding little enthusiasm. "The leola root soup is particularly good today..." She paused. "This is not true," she said no longer reading the script. "It is slimy with an unpleasant texture...It is all irrelevant." She placed the PADD carefully back where she found it. "All irrelevant. Inefficient...All of it..." She raised her voice slightly at the end. She reached up to wipe her eyes, surprised by the dampness she found there.
Phoebe stared at the message, then at her husband and mother. "Oh..." she said simply.
Gretchen smiled weakly. "I guess all we have left is the knowledge she's alive."
"I guess," Phoebe clutched her husband's hand. "I was..." *What?* she thought. She had known it was too good to be true. "Do we know if they received the messages?"
Gretchen shook her head. "No...And apparently none were transmitted from Voyager before the communication array went down..." She closed her eyes.
"Mother?" Phoebe asked, her voice full of concern.
"I'll be alright. You're the one who should be taking it easy." The older woman tried to reassure her youngest daughter.
"Mother! I'm fine." Her hands went instinctively to the swell of her belly. She glanced at her husband who shook his head.
"Don't look at me, she's a Janeway...Stubborn is her middle name..." Tom Wells threw up his hands in surrender. "She insisted on coming."
Gretchen smiled. "So was her sister..." Her eyes teared up as she looked away from her daughter and son-in-law. "I'd like to be alone...please."
Phoebe nodded.
Gretchen stared at the family portrait--it now seemed that it was from another lifetime...Someone else's family...
She didn't hear them leave the room. Her thoughts thousands of light-years away.
Tom leaned against his pillow and looked at the PADD he was holding. He was tempted to read it again--but didn't dare turn on the lights. Instead he ran his hand gently along the shoulder of the sleeping figure by his side, then returned his attention to the PADD.
Soon after the doctor had returned from the Alpha Quadrant, he had written this letter to his grandmother. She had always been his lifeline: his connection to his family. After the accident, his father had disowned him. The family had abided by those wishes--only his grandmother had written him. Even when he'd been in prison he had faithfully written her every week (OK, maybe it had been every two weeks.) Even for those few days he'd been in the Maquis, he'd written her.
Now he didn't even know if she was still alive. He wondered briefly about the letter from his father--what had he written? It seemed a little too convenient that all but the header had been lost. This brought his attention back again to B'Elanna as she shifted slightly--still deep in sleep.
In this letter to his grandmother, he had told her about B'Elanna...Life on Voyager...How he had turned his life around. He hadn't asked her to, but instinctively knew she would have told her son--his father. She had tried several times for a reconciliation. Now he wouldn't be sending it anytime soon. He didn't know why he had kept it.
Actually he did know...For days he'd been trying to deny it--but B'Elanna was right: he still wanted to prove to *Admiral Owen Paris* that he could do it, that Thomas Eugene Paris, was not a failure--the eternal screw-up.
But she was also right--that it was what the people here on Voyager thought--not those in the Alpha-Quadrant.
His thoughts were completely lost as a hand began to move along his waist.
"You should be sleeping..." B'Elanna said, her voice thick with exhaustion.
"I was thinking..."
She looked up at him, her dark eyes clearly showing the fatigue of the several days. "About me I hope."
"Sort of." He looked at the PADD, then said guiltily. "A letter I wrote my grandmother. I told her about this beautiful engineer with a sexy body who likes to..."
She reached for the PADD. "Do you think she would approve of me?"
Tom thought he heard a bit of insecurity in that question and smiled at her. "Of course she would. When she learns how much I love you...How good you are for me..." He leaned down to kiss her, but she rolled away.
"Sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day," she said with a yawn as she placed the PADD on the dresser by the bed. "Sleep..."
Tom stretched out beside her with a small laugh. She was already asleep.
Kathryn was silently sitting in her bed also staring at a PADD. Unable to sleep she'd alternated between reading reports and reading her novel. Finally she'd started a letter...
She laughed at herself for writing a letter to her sister; especially now, when there was now no chance of sending it...
She was just too restless to sleep. She glanced at the chronometer and sighed--five hours before she was to meet with the Entheran delegation...She really did need to sleep. She ordered the lights dimmed and again stretched out...This time it worked...She was soon asleep--her dreams haunted.
The PADD lay on the floor.
Dear Phoebe,
Congratulations! I'm really going to be an aunt? Well here's to my niece not having the famous Janeway stubbornness. I only wish I could be a part of your life again and hers...Please tell stories about me...Well, maybe not all of them. But I would like the alpha-quadrant to remember me...us.
I'm feeling particularly cynical, pessimistic today...I have to be strong for the crew--put up the brave, optimistic front...But tonight I wonder if the voyage is worth it. Voyager is a wreck, and it will be difficult to find even reasonable substitutes to make repairs. This morning we started negotiating with the Entherans. They may be able to provide us with weapons and some of the materials needed to repair my ship. The man we are dealing with is an arrogant...I've never liked arms dealers and it really bothers me to have to deal with one...But our choices are limited.
I'm sure you've heard by now that the arrays are now inoperable. What you couldn't know is that I'm responsible for that. In saving Voyager, I destroyed them. Not on purpose...Like the rest of the crew, I had looked forward to regular mail delivery...
Actually, we had help from the Hirogen--yet another alien species that has taken an instant dislike to us. A common enough event these days. They are also the cause of much of Voyager's damage. There are times when we are so alone...
I'm alone. Deep down, I knew Mark had moved on with his life--yet learning it was so, made me realize just how alone I am. Even if that *aloneness* is my choice.
An aunt. I just wish I would know her...
Children. I know I once thought I would like a family...But, oddly enough, I never considered it with Mark...If I had returned safely from this mission, I would have married Mark and continued in Star Fleet--eventually retiring as an Admiral...We'd have a house full of dogs. His wife sounds perfect for him--and probably better for him than I ever would have been.
I told you my mood was cynical. This letter is more a place for me to write my darkest thoughts--I suppose because of all the people I've known--you know my dark, moody side best.
It's hard to explain my mood...Seven, Chakotay...They are both causing turmoil. Seven--the brilliant child who questions everything--at the wrong moment. She's Borg...And this past week, I've wondered if I did the right thing tearing her from the collective and bringing her with us. But as Chakotay says, she is in many ways just a child. She's never learned basic social skills--and I'm no longer convinced that we can teach those skills...
Then there is Commander Chakotay...What can I say...He can be even more stubborn than me...Self righteous at times...arrogant...capable...wonderful hands...soft hearted...The friend I so need out here...and very willing to be more--if I would let him.
Tomorrow I will reread this letter and laugh at my cynicism. At least I hope I will...Then delete it and write you a less pessimistic letter...
Your loving sister,
Kathryn
Samantha Wildman lay on her couch sipping the last of her herbal tea. Naomi was asleep...The girl was having a grand time--she thoroughly enjoyed life on the ship.
To be a child again, the mother wished. To be oblivious to the turmoil surrounding her...The natural resiliency of childhood.
Samantha frowned slightly, her maternal instincts in the fore-front of her thoughts again. She'd been terrified when 8472 had boarded the ship...Thankful that the creature was gone...It still terrified her...Yet she felt sorry for it. If anyone could relate to being stranded far from friends and family, it was the crew of Voyager. She lifted her cup in salute, "Here's to family and friends far-away." She paused as she thought briefly of her husband, then Naomi. She wanted to ask the Doctor if he had mentioned the girl...Part of her wanted her husband to know...Part of her knew the separation would be easier for him if he didn't know. She took another sip and raised her cup again. "And to our family on Voyager."
She bit her lip to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over.
The ready-room was silent, as the two occupants went over reports. The stress on the humans and the ship was obvious. Both looked tired, and there were still a couple of unrepaired cracks in the wall.
Chakotay asked something, then waited several seconds before speaking again.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay looked at her as she stared blankly at the document.
Startled she grunted and looked up. "Commander?"
"I was asking if you were planning on going to the next demonstration?"
She shook her head. "No, if I see one more thing shot at today, I'll scream. I promised B'Elanna that I would meet with her." She smiled evilly. "You haven't been down to the planet...I'll let you deal with Kovan." Her voice was laced with contempt.
"I can't say it will be my pleasure. He's an arrogant bastard..."
"Unfortunately we still have to deal with him..."
"True." He tossed her a padd which she caught gracefully. "I thought you might like some good news."
She raised her eyebrows in an appeal for some hints, but he just shook his head. After several seconds of reading--she smiled and looked up. "This is great."
"I thought you'd like that."
"Engineering has out-done themselves."
"B'Elanna looks exhausted--Joe didn't look much better."
"Neither do you..." She studied his face. Everybody had been keeping long hours as they had struggled to repair Voyager after their encounter with the Hirogen.
He grinned at her, "You noticed?" His grin broadened at her blush. "I'll tell you what. I'll deal with Kovan today on one condition..."
She smiled and played along. "You aren't exactly in a position to negotiate."
He laughed, "We'll see...Never-the-less, on one condition."
"Oh, all right. What condition?"
He leaned over the desk so that his face was only inches from her. "You join me on the holodeck this evening. I have it reserved for an hour."
"What program?" She was suddenly wary.
"It's a surprise...and don't try to wheedle it out of me."
"Why Commander I don't wheedle...As long as its warm..."
"It can be as warm as you like." He continued to grin as he straightened up. "And now I have to prepare to deal with Kovan. See you at twenty hundred hours."
She shooed him out with a wave, then leaned back in her ready-room chair with a sigh. For a week, he'd been carefully reminding her there were no safety nets. He'd brought her lunch twice; he would sit and talk with her about anything but the ship...Usually those were very short conversations. Voyager was uppermost in both their minds. And then there were the backrubs. Those wonderful hands...
She quickly brought her attention back to the present. A quick glance at the chronometer reminded her that Kovan wasn't the only Entheran trader they were dealing with.
She smiled slightly as she stood. Captain Kathryn Janeway was actually looking forward to this date with her first officer...
"Date?" All the alarms went off at that word...But she didn't have time to deal with them now.
Tuvok stood silently by the astrometric lab door and waited for the young Borg to acknowledge him. He was concerned about her, despite his seemingly unemotional detachment from everyone. He was considering interrupting her again.
"Commander, is it important?" Seven asked in her typical arrogant voice. Only to Tuvok's ear it sounded a bit forced.
"I am here to..."
"To check up on me?" She interrupted with a hint of anger. "You may tell Captain Janeway that I am correctly operating within her parameters."
Tuvok quirked an eyebrow--the only sign of his puzzlement over her recent behavior. It was more emotional than previous encounters. "That is not why I am here."
She looked up and cocked her head, but didn't say anything.
"I came to see how you are progressing on the encrypted message from Star Fleet."
"I have made inadequate progress."
"Perhaps I can help you."
"I do not need someone to keep me under surveillance." She turned around so that she had her back to him and ignored him.
Tuvok again quirked an eyebrow and left.
"Captain," B'Elanna said with a nod.
Janeway quickly decided the engineer's smile was a bit too knowing.
"Lieutenant," she said with a quick glance around Torres's office. "Good job on the repairs."
"Thank-you. I was hoping that by the end of beta-shift that..."
The Captain laughed as she interrupted. "Accept the compliment. I am impressed."
B'Elanna blushed slightly as reached for her coffee cup. With a frown she put it down quickly. It only contained Neelix's most recent substitute coffee. She instead reached for a PADD. "Neelix and I are close to a deal with Strolyn. We just need your approval to close the deal." She handed the PADD to Janeway who read it quietly.
"The quality?" The Captain asked after a few seconds.
"Not first rate, but well within specifications. Deuterium and dilithium are our two major needs that we've not been able to find." B'Elanna wasn't happy about that.
Janeway grimaced. "I see you offered a bonus if Strolyn can find them for you..." She didn't approve--but beggars couldn't be choosers. "We'll be here about a week. Maybe we'll be lucky."
"We're due," B'Elanna said as she took a sip of the ersatz-coffee. "A week. We should have ship repairs pretty much completed." She took another sip, as she studied the captain. "I noticed you sent Chakotay to deal with Kovan. Is he in trouble?" B'Elanna controlled her urge to smile.
A smile played upon Janeway's lips, so B'Elanna didn't have that high an opinion of the arms merchant either. "No, he's not in trouble." She shifted her weight then smiled. "I shouldn't keep you. Let me know how your meeting with Strolyn goes."
B'Elanna grinned as she followed the captain out.
Kathryn looked around the boiling brown mud and almost laughed. The setting was definitely warm.
"You did say warm," Chakotay said from behind her admiring how the simple blue dress looked on her.
"But not boiling."
Chakotay laughed as he moved closer. "We can change it..."
"Actually, this is perfect. It doesn't remind me of anywhere on the ship."
"And here I wasn't going to mention Neelix's stew..." He stopped at her groan of disgust. "Kathryn"
"Please don't remind me about dinner...It was just...Too memorable."
"Memorable...Good word, Neelix will like it," he said with a chuckle.
She joined in the laughter. "He tries...He really does. It's just that Talaxian palates are different." She sat down by one of the mudholes and slipped her sandals of. After a quick test of the mud with her toe, she slipped her legs into the bubbling, turning ooze. "You have to tell me which program this is. Someday, when I have a few spare hours I might just take a mud bath." She leaned back on her elbows so she could see him. "How did the meeting go?" She had to admit that he did look good in everything...especially when he was wearing brown like this evening.
"Kovan asks too many questions." He knelt down behind her and started rubbing her shoulders. "But the weapons are good. He wants to demonstrate several cannons. I looked over the specifications, they look very promising."
"Good, I'll take a look at them." She smiled as she felt her neck muscles relax. "That feels good."
"Have to keep the Captain happy..."
"Damn straight," she laughed. "Happy Captain...Happy ship."
He smiled as he considered pushing at the remnants of that safety net, then decided not to. "How we doing on other fronts?"
She closed her eyes as he spoke, "B'Elanna's closing a deal for supplies tomorrow...According to Tuvok, Seven has made no progress on that message."
"Do you think she is trying?" Chakotay asked as he sat back and stared at the distant landscape.
"Actually I do. I'm worried about her...I just don't know how she will fit in..."
Chakotay shrugged, the young Borg-woman was an enigma. "I was thinking of talking with Sam..."
She turned to look at him, "Why?" She pulled her legs out of the mud.
"She's done some reading on child psychology..."
Janeway sat there, for several minutes staring at the mud dripping off her legs and thinking. "Seven's isolating herself again. I know she avoids me. Even Tuvok is concerned."
"I'll assign her to tomorrow's mission to the surface. Her skills will be useful...And it will help re-establish her place within the crew."
"Good idea," she said with a smile as she again looked at him. "Computer add a small clear water stream four meters in front of me. Same temperature as the mud."
There was a beep, then the stream appeared. Kathryn stood and walked toward it, laughing slightly as the mud dripped off her. Chakotay was mesmerized as he watched her step into the creek and clean the mud off. She turned and smiled at him. "Thanks for a nice evening..."
"We still have half-an-hour..."
"I know, and I'm sorry. But I want to look at the deal B'Elanna and Neelix worked out--and at your report..." She smiled. "Then I promised myself I would go to bed early..."
He just nodded as he stood and held out his hand. She took it and allowed him to pull her up. "Good-night Kathryn," he said softly, without letting go of her hand.
She looked at their hands, then at him and smiled. "Pleasant dreams." Neither moved.
Finally he bent down and gently brushed her lips with his, then let go of her hand. "You too Kathryn." He left quickly, pretty sure that if he stayed--neither would be going anywhere.
Kathryn watched him leave and smiled as she touched her lips with her fingers. "Very pleasant dreams I'm sure." She quickly ended the program and returned to her quarters.