There was a challenge to write a J/C story where one of the characters is very *blunt* about changing their relationship into more...
Here's my a oblique take on that challenge. Oops, it didn't exactly become what I'd expected.
I really don't believe the PTB deserve the characters, but they do own the rights...sigh, it's not a perfect universe.
Tom took a deep breath as he approached her table. She was eating alone and reading--again. Over the past few years, every member of her crew was avoiding her--and Tom had enough experience to know that something needed to be done about that. Only the one person who could have done it two years ago, now couldn't or wouldn't. He took another deep breath as he sat down across from her without asking.
"Good evening, Captain. How are you?" He smiled.
"Fine," she grunted without lifting her eyes.
"Good. We're having a get together in holodeck-one later, care to join us?"
"No."
"Captain?" He knew that by the end of the conversation he would be busted to crewman...But who the hell cared about rank in the middle of the Delta-Quadrant. He would still eat, have a place to stay, and a ship to fly...
"I'm busy, Ensign." She still hadn't looked up at him. He took several sips of water before speaking again.
"I know...But during the past two years you have managed to become busier. We only see you with PADDS around you." He grabbed the report from her hand. "This is what you are reading? Captain, this is a minor report that Tuvok should have handled. You shouldn't even need to read this report. Unless Tuvok isn't doing his job?" She was giving him the death glare, but he continued before she could speak. "I know full well that 95 percent of the reports written on this ship, *you* should never see if the department heads are doing their jobs correctly. I *know* they are. So why are you reading them?"
"I'm the Captain--I need to know exactly what is going on in each department..." Her voice was a monotone.
"Bull...Captain. You're using them as an excuse to avoid having a life. I still haven't figured out why you need to avoid that, but you are." He took yet another deep breath. "You once told me that you wanted a family, just not with me." He knew he was treading on forbidden territory--since all records of those events had been modified to remove certain things. "Yet you have let the one opportunity slip by you. Is that what you want?"
"I don't have time..."
Tom chuckled. "Yes, I know. All these little reports you *need* to read. Well, for your information, the ship will not fall apart if you fail to learn the minuscule details. Unless you don't trust us? Is that it? Because Captain, that is exactly the impression you are giving. By checking up on these reports, you are belittling your department chiefs. Maybe you should replace them if you really believe they are so incompetent..."
"I don't believe that." This time the monotone had a hint of anger.
"Then stop doing their jobs."
"It is my job..."
"Bull. No it isn't. A good Captain delegates and trusts her crew to do the job properly. Do you trust us?"
There was a moment of hesitation.
"That's what we all feared." Tom felt his stomach lurch. "You don't. Why?"
"I do...Of course I do."
"What did we do wrong?" He stopped as he realized something. "It's you. You believe we don't trust you anymore. Is that it?"
"Tom." Her voice was low and threatening.
"Damn it anyway, Captain. With all due respect, that is bullshit. We'd follow you into Hell..." He grinned. "We have followed you into Hell...But this personal Hell you're in, we can't follow...And the only person who once could, no longer is allowed to." He was silent for a couple of seconds as he watched her. The mixture of emotions that broke through the usual blank command facade were terrifying and fascinating.
"Captain..." He didn't know what to say. It had only taken him several months to build up the courage to face her in an almost empty messhall; to plan exactly what he was going to say...And now he had no idea what to say.
"Ensign, I think you'd..."
"What? Stop telling you the truth? Go before you learn just what a mess you've made out of your life? Before you demote me again? Hell, Captain--this is me. Rank isn't important...But you sure as Hell are." He tried to control his anger, but still managed to chuckle as he recognized B'Elanna's influence in his language. "Take the time to enjoy life...not be punished by it. Start that family..."
She looked like she was going to actually kill him. "Are you suggesting I have an affair with Commander Chakotay in order to have a family..."
"No, Captain, I'm not..." He smiled. "You suggested it...It doesn't have to be that. But you need to relax...The Doctor has told you that more than four times. No one would think any less of you if you haven't memorized how many bio-gel packs are left. You can get that information by tapping on a button or asking. I can tell you something that is more important than that piece of information. Morale is pretty bad, and has been for a while. And it is bad for one simple reason." He paused for dramatic effect. "You have changed...and not for the better." He picked up his water glass and stood. "Good evening, Captain." He hoped she would at least contemplate what he'd said. The one good thing was that she hadn't summoned Tuvok to toss him out the air-lock.
B'Elanna stiffened slightly as she heard the doors to engineering slide open...No, not heard, felt. Felt how the engine room fell silent. Carey stopped in the middle of the punchline. "Good afternoon Captain." She said without turning.
"Lieutenant. How are repairs progressing?"
"Fine, Captain. They will still be completed by twenty-one hundred hours."
"Excellent. May I?" Janeway moved to stand by the console and look at the figure. "Have you tried..."
B'Elanna gritted her teeth to keep from saying something as she listened. Maybe there was something to what Tom had been talking about. "We tried that an hour ago..." Janeway looked a little shocked at being interrupted, but B'Elanna hadn't the time or energy to be polite. Their recent encounter with the Rafat had left them without warp power, one breach, and a dozen or so wounded.
"Is there a problem, lieutenant?"
"No, no. Captain." B'Elanna shouted something to Vorik, then turned her attention back (partially) to Janeway. "I'm just very busy."
"I can see that...Have you sent a team to fix the breach on deck seven?"
"Yes..." B'Elanna turned to look at her commanding officer. "Are you here for a reason?"
"Lieutenant," Janeway said a bit sharply. B'Elanna realized that she too had spoken sharply. "I'm just here to make sure..."
B'Elanna was too tired, too busy...and more than a little irritated by now. "Captain, unless you are here to replace me...Let me...Please let me run my department. We are very busy."
"Lieutenant Torres, I expect a full report in one hour..."
B'Elanna sighed. "Yes, ma'am. Would you like my resignation then too?"
This took Janeway by surprise. "Why would I want that?"
B'Elanna shrugged. "Because you obviously don't think I'm capable of handling the job. Otherwise you wouldn't be constantly staring over my shoulder. Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of something would be an excellent choice for my replacement. She can do the job singlehandedly."
Janeway still looked shocked, but managed to stammer a negative to her resignation. B'Elanna sighed with relief after Janeway had left. The thought of that Borg in charge of her engines was enough to make her ill. "Carey," she shouted. "The power is fluctuating again..."
#
They had warp power by twenty-one thirty and Voyager was once again heading back to the Alpha-Quadrant. The Rafat fleet had not continued with the earlier attack, which B'Elanna realized may have been one of the luckier things that had happened to them in the past five years. While the initial attack had damaged Voyager; Voyager had managed to destroy or damage most of the attacking fleet.
B'Elanna glanced at Tom, who was still reading. "Well?"
He stopped mid page turn to look at her. "The Captain?" He shrugged. "I still can't believe you said all that."
B'Elanna frowned. "I was thinking about that after she left. Honestly, I hadn't really thought of it in those terms...But today..."
"I don't think she believed me Monday...Maybe, she'll reconsider." He tossed her the PADD that was sitting beside him. "Do you realize that she hasn't been to the holodeck in months. Except for her brief appearance at group functions."
"The Void?" B'Elanna glanced at the data quickly, not daring to ask where Tom got it.
"It started before then. I know that Chakotay was pretty tight-lipped about what happend to her during our time in the void..." He put down his PADD. "She's so different...At times I wonder if she is putting on act..."
"An act?" B'Elanna tossed the PADD she'd been holding on the nightstand.
"It's almost like...I don't know really. Like she's losing hope."
"Could be...Ever since that creature...Seven joined the ship..."
Tom shook his head. "It's not her fault...Janeway's alone, literally, figuratively...Even Seven has someone she can talk to. Harry, Neelix, the Doctor..."
"It's her own damn fault." B'Elanna grabbed a pillow and squeezed it. "Chakotay had been there for her--she drove him away."
Tom silently stood and ordered the lights dimmed. "I know...I know..." She watched as he approached the bed. "It's destroying her. And there ain't a damn thing I can think of...I've tried telling her. You've told her..."
He was right...But still she wondered if there wasn't something they could do.
As he lay down beside her, an idea started to form...
Neelix grabbed the scrubber and turned his attention away from the near empty mess-hall and concentrated on the burnt crude in his favorite stock pot. This would definitely be the last time he let anyone use his cookware. Even though Susan had been very apologetic about the burnt sugar and had tried to remove it, he still had spent his free time working on it.
He started humming, then stopped when a voice asked him something. He turned too quickly, and almost sent the scrubber flying across the room. "Captain, is there something special you want for dinner?"
"I'll just have some leftovers." She smiled slightly.
"There is some soup left. Not much. You know, Captain, that if you showed up earlier, there are more choices..."
"I know. I was just busy." He watched as she walked slowly toward the freezer unit, then shook his head.
"Captain, I can make something for you..." She really did look poorly.
"No, Neelix. Thank-you any way. I'm fine. I don't want to distract you..."
"It wouldn't be a problem. Eggs perhaps?"
She didn't answer as she opened the door and studied the contents. He turned away. This was becoming typical. Sometimes he had gone to bed before she showed up to get something to eat. She no longer bothered to stay. She would reheat her chosen food, and return to her quarters. The next morning, he would find the dishes carefully washed and by the sink. He wondered if she wasn't sleeping too.
Tonight was typical. He barely acknowledged her thanks as she finished and left.
But then again, maybe not that typical. He watched as B'Elanna at the far table watched Janeway. The young engineer looked worried. He gave up scrubbing the pot. He'd find his leola root sponge and try again in the morning.
He trotted over to the lieutenant. "B'Elanna?"
She smiled. "Neelix. Does she do this often?"
"Almost every night now for two years."
B'Elanna nodded several times. "I thought so." She motioned for him to sit opposite her. "I'm worried about her...I'm sure you heard about what happened in engineering..."
Neelix chuckled. "Yes. You threatened to resign..." B'Elanna smiled as he continued. "Why?"
"I shouldn't have...But looking back, I think she needs to hear that we are tired of her doing our jobs." She started speaking faster. "She reads every report written on this ship...There's almost no reason for me to write my reports. In fact, I've considered just leaving a note asking, 'why should I waste my time telling you something you already know?'"
Neelix leaned forward slightly. "Is this related to what Tom said to her a few days ago?" He sighed.
"He told her much the same thing I did..." She stared at the ice cream that was starting to melt. "I'm worried about her. I think we need to do something...drastic."
He leaned even closer when she spoke again. "Tomorrow morning at zero-five-thirty in sick-bay. Be there."
Neelix rubbed his hands in anticipation. Then realized B'Elanna had left, leaving him with her bowl to wash.
But that didn't matter--maybe together they could help the Captain.
The Doctor moved the pointer slightly to the right before he was satisfied with the placement. He then ordered the computer to enlarge the grid. "Ah..." He said. "I thought so."
He turned the projector off just as the doors slid open. "Please state the nature of the...Oh! Lieutenant Torres, is there a problem."
"No, no problem. Hey you don't mind if we meet here?"
"I presume it is too late to say yes I do?" He sighed.
"Good, they should be here in five minutes."
"This is a medical facility..."
"I know, not a board room." She smiled at him. "I wanted you to participate, and this was the easiest way. I'm sorry."
He was curious now. "Participate?"
"We're going to discuss possible solutions to Voyager's biggest problem."
"And that might be?"
The doors slid open again. He was puzzled by how skittish B'Elanna was. She relaxed when Tom and Harry entered.
"Ensigns," he said. "You are part of this committee?"
Harry looked around quickly. The doctor noticed the young man seemed tense. He decided to check on his one remaining patient, while they waited. Crewman Mohr was still unconscious after their recent encounter with the Rafat.
"Sorry I'm late," Neelix said as he burst in. "I wanted to make sure that everything was ready for breakfast. Did I miss anything?"
"No," B'Elanna said. "We can start now. I'm sure you're all aware of how morale has crashed in the past few months?"
"I've noticed a increase in work related injuries too," the Doctor said. He had the distinct feeling that he was the only one in the room who didn't know what was going on.
"I'm still not convinced that it is related," Harry said. He was eyeing the door nervously. "Couldn't this meeting be construed as mutiny?"
"Nah," Tom said. "I checked. We aren't planning to take over the ship or interfere with her command..."
The Doctor eyes opened wide, knowingly. "I take it, that this meeting is about the Captain." He glanced again at the unconscious crewman. "She questions my every diagnoses."
"You too? She does it to everyone." B'Elanna said. "She's always been very interested in how everything runs, but recently it's like she..." Everybody spoke at once.
"She feels the need to do everybody's job..."
"She's avoiding life..."
"She's punishing herself." The Doctor joined the melee of words late and everybody heard. There was silence, then Tom spoke.
"Spirits. I was right." Tom looked at the assembled group. "When I asked her if she thought we didn't trust her..."
"More than you might possibly know." The Doctor glanced at his projector. "She wants to protect us from the quadrant and can't."
Harry nodded slightly as he shifted position to lean against the wall. "She is willing to try anything."
"And because she can't, she tries to singlehandedly make sure everything is perfect..." B'Elanna glanced at the Doctor. "I have no clue."
"No one does. I've been adding rudimentary psychiatry to my program. I've talked to her, but I'm afraid she doesn't listen to me."
"She doesn't even listen to Chakotay anymore," B'Elanna said with an overlay of anger. "The only person she listens to is Seven." They all looked at each other.
"I don't think that is such a good..." They all froze as the sick-bay doors slid open. The Doctor decided that they probably would be convicted just by how they looked and behaved as he turned to greet the intruder.
"Good morning Seven."
She cocked her head slightly. "If I am intruding, perhaps I can return later?" The Doctor nodded appreciatively. Her manners were improving.
"No, not at all. Thank-you for your concern." He smiled at the group, hoping they understood his hidden meaning. They did, and hasty good-byes were said.
He waited until the door closed behind the others. "Seven, what do you think of Captain Janeway?"
Seven looked thoughtful for several seconds. "She is very efficient." She paused. "She would make a good Borg Queen."
Harry's frown deepened as he stared at the PADD. A supposedly minor glitch with the sensor array had triggered a power cascade. Voyager was presently without replicators or sensors--again.
He scrolled back several paragraphs and reread the critical section. Apparently during the battle, the Rafat weapons had damaged the secondary power relays on deck 2.
He barely noticed that the turbolift had halted and someone had boarded.
"Good morning, ensign. Another problem?" He looked over at the captain. He wondered how she was holding up; there were dark circles under her eyes and she seemed to be drooping.
"I'm going over the power cascade. The one bright thing about all this, is when we finish, we'll have an almost new power relay system."
"I just wish we could have been in control of when." She didn't smile or look at him.
"Captain, when was the last time you slept?" He was too tired to care that his concern had seeped into his voice.
"Slept? Ensign, there's a crisis...Two days ago. I'm calling a staff meeting in an hour."
"Captain." Harry stifled a yawn. "I've been up for twenty-four hours. Commander Chakotay ordered me to get some sleep."
"Oh, did he now." Harry bit his lip at her tone. He knew that sleep wouldn't be forthcoming. And mentioning his migraine or that his bowels had reacted badly to something wouldn't help.
"I'll be there...I'll stop by sick-bay."
"Good, good." She stared off toward the wall. "And then you can work with Seven on restarting the sensor array."
The lift stopped and she got off. He swore quietly and mumbled something about superwomen not needing sleep. As he yawned, he realized that she had heard him.
He waited, expecting her to turn and say something, but she only stood there; her back to him for less than a second. Then she walked off.
The doors closed, and he ordered a new destination: sick bay. Maybe Tom and B'Elanna had been right. Two years ago, even a year ago, she would have been concerned and told him to get some sleep.
He knew the Doctor would not be happy when he arrived in sick-bay.
#
He barely made it back to the turbolift ten hours later. Voyager was once again whole--all systems working--except for one exhausted ensign. He ordered the lift to deck three and then closed his eyes.
"Janeway to Ensign Kim." He groaned as he acknowledged her voice.
"Ensign, I'm reading your report and there seems to be some of it missing."
He shook his head, astonished that she was even bothering to read it. He had given her a fairly complete (he thought) rundown about half-an-hour ago. "I'll have a new copy to you tomorrow, Captain."
"I would like it now."
"No." He opened his eyes. Was that really his voice? "I'm sorry Captain, but at this moment I couldn't spell my own name..." He stopped. What was he doing?
There was a long pause before she responded. "Very well, Ensign. I'll get the information from Seven."
The disappointment he heard didn't even bother him...He sighed. "I'm sure she will be very efficient, Captain."
"Ensign?" Janeway's voice said. "I...Sleep well."
He closed his eyes as the turbolift doors opened and started walking slowly and blindly toward his quarters.
Seven turned the bolt clockwise several times before she and Lieutenant Torres were satisfied with the results. She pulled back from the wiring and started to replace the cover, while Lieutenant Torres picked up the tools.
"Thanks, Seven."
"Lieutenant." Seven pulled herself into a sitting position and entered a quick report of the repairs they'd just made. Torres had started down the Jeffrey tube toward the next junction.
"Seven," Janeway said from behind her. "How's it going?"
Seven didn't turn as she started work on another relay. "I am proceeding at an appropriate rate."
"Excellent."
"Is there a purpose to this visit?"
"Yes, I need another copy of the report you wrote with Ensign Kim."
Seven picked up a wrench and continued with her work. "I believe Ensign Kim presented the information to you earlier."
"He did," she said as Seven turned to face her.
"I have another copy, I shall retrieve it for you." Seven cocked her head. "Captain, are you fully functional?"
"I'm fine." Seven studied the captain as she shrugged.
"Captain, I have been observing you and your crew now for twenty two months, three days, and sixteen hours. I am curious why you have drawn away from them."
"Huh? I don't have time for this conversation. I want to go over Harry's report. I believe that the problem with the conduits on deck two..."
"Have been sufficiently repaired. Is this what the Doctor calls *changing the subject*?"
"No. I'm very busy. Tonight is not a good night for chit-chat."
Seven nodded knowingly. "And as captain you don't have time for idle *chit-chat*?"
"That is correct."
"Most curious. When I first came aboard Voyager, I found idle conversation ineffective and unnecessary. I have since discovered that this type of conversation is effective in making the people I work with more comfortable. You don't mind the crew being uncomfortable around you?"
"You're twisting my meaning..." She glared at Seven. "The report?"
Seven didn't answer, but quickly typed a few commands into her PADD then handed it to Janeway.
Janeway took it with a quiet thank-you and started to walk away.
"Captain, you are becoming more Borg as I become more human. This is not my wish for you." Janeway walked away quicker.
Seven watched her until she exited the Jeffrey tube. She then turned to look at B'Elanna.
The lieutenant smiled slightly. "Not bad, Seven, not bad at all."
"I have been successful?"
"And very blunt. I just hope she listened..."
"The Doctor suggested I talk to her."
"I know." B'Elanna picked up a screwdriver. "I just hope..."
"I have discovered that hope is very important..." Seven turned to look where Janeway had been. "I have found much to admire in Captain Janeway..."
"We all have." B'Elanna said. "Sometimes I wonder if she has lost hope."
"She no longer hopes to return home?"
B'Elanna shook her head. "She no longer realizes she is home."
Seven pondered that piece of information for a second. "I think I understand."
Commander Tuvok was very meticulous--even for a Vulcan. He had worked hard to install his work ethic in the two other Vulcans onboard Voyager, but as he pondered recent events, he realized that Captain Janeway may have been his most apt student.
This had not been his goal. As a Vulcan, he functioned with intellect and logic, but he knew that humans were very emotional. Yet, over the last twenty-two months, the captain seemed to have become as emotionless as a Vulcan. He knew from past experience this wasn't good for a human. So he had watched. He had watched as she isolated herself from everybody--including Commander Chakotay. Except Seven, he corrected himself. It was almost like Seven was the ideal Janeway aspired too...
Which was a curious paradox, because the younger woman was becoming more human every day.
Since the attack by the Rafat, he'd noticed a subtle change in the senior staff. He knew they had met in sick-bay two days earlier. Neelix had hinted that their goal was to solve what they considered to be Voyager's biggest problem.
After reading the daily incident reports, it was almost logical to conclude that the senior staff considered the Captain to be that problem.
He looked up from his log at the sound of the chime. "Enter."
He stood. "Good morning, Captain."
She tried to smile at him, then clasped her hands behind her back. "I was..." She took a deep breath. "What is your opinion of morale?"
Tuvok quirked an eyebrow. "I am concerned about decreasing morale. There has been a five-percent increase in incidents over the past three months."
She nodded. "And the cause?"
""I believe that there are several probable factors The failed attempt in the slipstream, our recent encounter with the Borg..."
"Me?"
He barely heard her, even with his superb hearing. "It is possible," he said after a second of silence.
"Oh." She shifted slightly, a clear indication she was nervous. "Why? I've done my damnedest to get this ship home..."
"The crew is aware of your dedication. But it should be noted that, while, for you, the product is the most important--the crew have accepted that the process is more important."
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't understand. We are trying to return home..."
"A subtle difference. You are trying to return home--for the crew they are on a journey to the Alpha Quadrant. A journey that allows them to explore, live,--" he paused before finishing, "--and have fun."
"That's ridiculous. We aren't here to have fun."
He really raised his eyebrows, but didn't speak.
"My entire senior staff seems to be in rebellion..." She frowned. "I had hoped you would understand."
"Rebellion?" He had been correct in his suspicions about the senior staff.
"They have all told me that I..." She hesitated. "What did I do wrong?"
"That is something only you can determine." He could see the shock in her eyes. "The crew is concerned." He looked straight in at her. "I too am concerned."
She grimaced. "I see." He wasn't sure she did. "And what do you suggest I do about it?" Her voice was challenging.
"That is up to you. But you are human and humans need social interactions..."
"I don't have time..."
"Might I suggest that you don't allow yourself time." He picked a PADD off his desk. "I see seven to ten reports a day from my staff. Once a week I write an overview for you. Most of the information is unimportant to the operations of the ship, yet you insist upon reading all of them. This is illogical."
"I...I need to know what is going on..."
"I must agree with Lieutenant Torres, I too can utilize my time more appropriately if you do not need to see my report. My orchids could use more care." He deliberately picked a hobby. "Contrary to popular belief, Vulcans need time to relax too."
"Feel free to take it." She shrugged and started to turn when her comm-badge chirped.
"Sick-bay to Captain Janeway."
She answered the hail, then they both waited quietly as the Doctor spoke. "I regret to inform you that Crewman Mohr passed-away three minutes ago."
She stiffened her shoulders as she watched her crew leave the observation lounge. The few crew members who walked past her spoke in low tones as if they didn't want to disturb her. She smiled sadly at the even fewer who looked at her.
Her eulogy on Crewman Mohr had covered his short career in Starfleet. Commander Chakotay had known the man longer and had talked about their times in the Maquis. Her smile brightened as she remembered the Commander telling a story about a Maquis mission to gather food supplies from a Cardassian outpost. The story had brought smiles and even a few laughs from the mourners.
Her attention wandered to the window as she waited for the last crewmember to leave.
Spirits, she hated funerals. She always felt depressed for days after one. This one was particularly bad. Commander Chakotay had always talked to her before and after. He would let her rant against the galaxy. This time only the walls were there for her. After all those promises, she couldn't believe he wasn't there. He'd left with Lieutenant Torres about five minutes earlier. He hadn't even looked at her throughout the event.
She sighed as she stepped toward the window. The pane of glass felt cold, but not as cold as the air in the room. She looked around the now empty room.
She knew she should be reading reports, but she had no real motivation. Was it all worth it, any? The loss of life, the despair, the constant battles...
"Damn it all, anyway. Why the Hell are we here anyway?"
No one answered. She took a deep breath and forced her command facade in place then turned to leave. She knew she was burying herself in work to hide from the fact that there was nothing else for her on this ship.
#
#
"Captain," the Doctor said two days later. "You need to eat more..."
"I know," she said with a slight mocking tone. "Eat more, drink less coffee, and get more sleep."
"You said it. You won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to yourself?"
"I hear every word you say..."
She was surprised when he shook his head and walked away. "I don't know why I even bother." He picked up a PADD. "Do what you will.
She waited several seconds then left, slightly disappointed that he wasn't going to argue with her. She picked up her PADD, figuring she would be able to read part of the report on her trip to the bridge.
"Fascinating reading?" Janeway looked up and smiled.
"Good morning, Lieutenant."
B'Elanna smiled at her. "There's a group of us playing at Sandrine's tonight. I sure could use a better partner against Tom and Chakotay. Seven spends too much time analyzing her shots."
She was intrigued at the thought of Seven playing pool, but..."Not tonight."
"Some other evening then." B'Elanna didn't wait for her retort. Janeway shook her head.
#
The first thing Janeway noticed as she stepped on the bridge was how quiet it was. She stopped to check what Harry was reading and was surprised when he didn't speak, just stepped aside. He moved slowly back to his station as she walked down to her chair.
She pulled up the morning reports, but her mind was wandering to the silence. Just when had that happened? She smiled slightly as she remembered some of the extremely bad jokes Tom would tell. Had told.
She glanced at the young pilot who was intent on his job. "I'll be in my ready room." She glanced at Tuvok. "You have the bridge." Once again Chakotay had found very good reasons to be off the bridge.
She stopped at her replicator and ordered a cup of coffee. It appeared and she stared at it. There had been a time when she would have specified a certain blend--now days she was again just ordering plain coffee.
She tossed the cup into the recycler. "Computer, display list coffee blends." She scrolled the list, surprised at the varieties. It was obvious she had created a crew of coffee addicts. "Hmmm. Computer I'd like a number fifty two." It looked intriguing. The cup appeared. She sniffed it several times before she took a sip.
It was different. She took another sip. Not as bitter as some were--with maybe a hint of something. She took another sip to try to identify the mysterious flavor.
No luck, so she turned attention to the daily pile of PADDs on her desk and grabbed one.
She took another sip and read three paragraphs, then stopped. Just what was she doing reading this report. She pushed it aside and grabbed another.
Her thoughts wandered. *"Yes, I know. All those little reports you *need* to read. Well, for your information, the ship will not fall apart if you fail to learn the minuscule details..."* She remembered Tom's words. They had all said something similar--even Tuvok.
She stared at the pile for several seconds before taking the top one and started to read. She had no choice, they needed to be read.
And somewhere in the back of her mind she realized that reading the little reports kept her from having to deal with the shambles she'd made of her life.
Chakotay placed a hand on B'Elanna's shoulder Peter Mohr's casket was launched toward a red dwarf star. She turned to him and grasped his hand. "He was a good friend."
Chakotay smiled. "Yes. I still remember when he first joined our cell."
B'Elanna grinned. "He was fourteen and angry. I think he may have been the only person I've ever met who was angrier than me." They watched as the casket floated away from the ship for a minute before she continued. "It seems strange that he found his peace here on Voyager."
Chakotay didn't answer as he stared out the window. "Peace can be found...and lost so easily." He smiled at her to hide his own sorrow.
B'Elanna glanced behind him and shook her head. "She's hurting--far more than she lets on."
"Who...Oh." He didn't turn as he remembered the times he had gone to her and allowed her to vent her emotions. Emotions she had lost--to a point where she had no longer wanted or needed him. He couldn't help her anymore--he wondered if anyone could. And this bothered him far more than he wanted to admit.
B'Elanna took his hand. "Some of us are meeting in holodeck two." They started walking toward the door. "Peter deserves a happier send off."
"An Irish wake?" Chakotay smiled. "I'll be there."
"Ask her if she wants to come."
"Sure." He knew he wouldn't.
#
He didn't stay long, he never did. At least not anymore. Seeing the flourishing social scene reminded him of what he'd lost. Not that he hadn't tried. He'd had dinner with several of the female crewmembers, but nothing had ever come of these attempts.
He looked around his quarters and sighed. He picked up his medicine bundle and sat down. He didn't bother opening it, just sat there staring. And remembering.
"Coward," a voice hissed at him. He turned his head quickly to scan his quarters. It was empty. He didn't bother asking the computer, he'd recognized the voice.
"It's been a long time sister," he said sadly.
"Yesss." The speaker still didn't appear, Chakotay reached for the acunah. "Don't bother, tonight you don't need it." A large snake slithered out from under his couch.
"Why tonight?"
He swore the snake shrugged. "Why not." It then smiled. "You want answersss. You always want answersss." The snake used its tail to touch Chakotay's heart. "Answersss I cannot tell you. The finding means nothing if the ssseeking is avoided."
The room went dark.
#
He awoke minutes later, his acunah and bundle still in front of him. Unopened.
He fingered the acunah and shook his head. Vision quests had always been difficult for him and tonight was the first time one had occurred without the use of the device. "The finding means nothing if the seeking is avoided."
That sounded like a variation of what he wanted to tell a certain captain--even if he had to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her.
He grabbed his sacred objects and stood. Tonight.
Three minutes later he stood outside her door. The computer had told him she there and awake. He hesitated, then rang the chime. The door swished open.
"Good evening Commander." She was sitting at her desk, reading. He wasn't surprised.
"Kathryn." He used her name to indicate this was not about ship's business. She looked startled, then her command mask fell into place.
"Commander." He took a deep breath, she was doing it again. Using protocol to keep those walls intact.
"Kathryn, are you all right?"
"Me? I'm fine. Tired of course. The reports just keep coming." She chuckled slightly--but the chuckle tonight rang false to his ears.
"You spend all your time with those reports."
"What can I say, a Captain's work is never done."
He rolled his eyes. "Unless she is relieved of command because the crew worries about her mental health." He'd said it. She frowned and her eyes narrowed as she glared at him. "The crew thinks you have lost contact with them--and they sometimes wonder if perhaps you are becoming obsessed with returning home."
"You are out of line..." She growled.
"Am I? As Voyager's First Officer, I am well within my duties to notify the Captain that *any* crewmember..."
"Stop right there." She stood, her hands on her hips. "I..."
"What? I know full well that members of the senior staff have talked to you about your recent behavior. I also know they would not have done so if they weren't concerned for your well being."
She turned away from him. "I think you'd better leave."
"No." He said the word softly. "I agree with them." He reached over and grabbed a PADD and glanced at it. "Waste management report? Why do you need to read this report. B'Elanna's summary that it is working at ninety-three percent efficiency should be enough..."
"I need to know where that missing seven percent is."
"No, you don't. Whoever B'Elanna assigned to the task," he read quickly. "Ensign Johnson, by the way, is responsible. Unless you were planning a career change?"
She turned suddenly. "You are out of line, mister. What I read, when I read, even why I read are NONE of your business."
"They are when that reading is an excuse to shut yourself off from your crew. You don't listen to our advice, you don't let us do our jobs. Spirits, it's no wonder morale is suffering. You need to think very hard just what kind of ship you want to command. Trust me, an unhappy ship is an accident just waiting to happen."
He started to turn and leave.
"Chakotay?" She said quietly. "I know..." He looked at her surprised at her admission. Maybe there was hope for her.
"Kathryn?"
"The senior staff has talked to me. At first I was inclined to put them all in the brig...but they, you, are right." She walked slowly over to her window. "Being out here is harder than it looks. I'm it. There is no one I can turn to for advice..."
"Hell Kathryn, that's not true. So there are no Admirals, no specialists at Starfleet, but there are people you can turn to for advice. The entire crew has become specialists on the Delta Quadrant. Ensign Wildman has been researching genetic drift in virus. The Delaneys have become our resident experts on alien social customs."
"I didn't know..."
"No, you wouldn't." He tossed the PADD on the table. "You also don't know that there are fifteen couples who are thinking of marriage. Some even considering families." She winced at that. "And don't say they can't. We'll just have to adapt. Like we adapt to everything else."
"It will distract..."
"No it won't. Kathryn you're forgetting, Voyager is our home and has been for five years. Earth is our goal, but where we spend the journey is more important."
"Chakotay, that just doesn't work. There is no room for emotional attachments: they can influence how the ship is run."
"Well, then, let me be the first to inform you that it is too late. Decisions have all ready been based on emotions, not facts."
She closed her eyes. "I know, that is why I must remain detached--I can't let emotions get in the way of any further decisions or we'll never get back to Earth."
He shook his head. "How noble, how self sacrificing, how ridiculous. The crew will just love that..."
"Don't get sarcastic..."
He smiled. "I received a very good piece of advice. The finding means nothing if the seeking is avoided."
She grimaced slightly, but didn't respond. He waited silently as he watched her process the information. Her brow would furrow, her fingers clinch as she stood there.
"I don't know how." She looked up at him. "It's been so long...I don't remember how."
"Practice." He laughed. "Practice--I bet if you practice you could beat Tom in the pool tournament next month."
"Pool?"
"You know. You take a stick and hit some balls."
"I remember." For the first time that evening, Chakotay saw a hint of a smile. It grew. "It may have been too long. I haven't played in a long time."
"Nah. Just stop reading some of those reports and use the time to practice. Develop a regime. Good eating habits, practice an hour a day..."
"I don't have holodeck time."
"I do. I would be honored to share that time with you." He smiled at her. "And start asking for and listening to your crew's advice. I think you will discover they actually know what they are talking about."
She really smiled. "I've noticed." She took a deep breath. "Very well, commander. I shall not read the waste management report."
"That's a start."
"And Chakotay...Thank-you."