In my years of battling nervousness and mood swings, I have stumbled upon a number of things to do and ways of thinking which calm me down and lift my mood. These ideas are not new. Someone in a self-help group has passed them along to me, just as I pass them to you. For relief sometimes using only one of these tips is sufficient, other times several are needed.
I use these techniques instead of taking pills. I have often heard in AA meetings, "Some are sicker than others." I am probably one of sicker ones, but somehow my way has worked. Although these practices took time, they brought me some dignity. My confidence and pride in accomplishment do not come from a bottle--just for today.
Many of these methods were developed by various counselors to help their clients. One system called the Recovery, Inc. method was developed by psychiatrist Abraham Low. Psychologists Robert Ellis and Albert Beck are usually given credit for developing a similar system called Cognitive Therapy (also called Rational Emotive Psychotherapy, Rational Therapy, RET or RT). Today, many counselors can teach you the system in just a dozen or so sessions. Research has proved that the therapy's effects are indeed real and that they do last.
Almost any activity will make us feel better when we are depressed. The act of getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other, and accomplishing something gives us a certain amount of control. Feeling out-of-control probably lies beneath all my depressions. When depressed I can do what I feel like doing--absolutely nothing, or I can slowly force myself to do something like read a book. No, not the whole book--reading a single paragraph or a single page is better than nothing. Small acts symbolize advances against my enemy of depression. Getting something done shows that depression does not completely rule me. Even reading a single sentence counts as a partial victory. It is like a football team advancing the ball by three yards. Such progress is not usually a win, touchdown, or even a first down, but it is significant. First efforts are the most difficult. Once started, all chores grow easier. Even if my mood changes little, at least something gets done.
It is important not to be tricked by depression. Depression wants us to feel bad, guilty, useless, lazy. So when pushing ourselves to move, we might beat up on ourselves for not getting everything done or for not getting ahead. Rather than getting our whole life in order at once, we need to do small acts--just parts of a project. Most importantly, we need to pat ourselves on the back for our effort. In planning our day, we went to aim for the absolute minimum. Depression takes away our mental quickness and enthusiasm. We need to just hang on, for in just twenty-four hours we may see our world totally differently.
This philosophy was proven to me when I plunged into a deep depression which lasted for months. I put off going to the mental hospital and taking nerve medication one day at a time. During those months, I did not want to live; I just put one foot in front of the other. Finally, like a cold, the depression ran its course. Waiting out this depression made me confident that I can function in a depression. By getting up, going to work, and carrying out my responsibilities, I controlled my life. I did not want to do anything, and I was not happy at the time, but forcing myself to go on, despite feeling otherwise, gave me a deep strength and courage that has never left me. The event turned out to be my last major depression.
An AA member once told me about a line of a song in "The King and I" which went, " Whenever I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well." In other words, by acting as if we are not afraid, we actually can fool ourselves out of fear. Action defeats fear. Many success experts say to act as if.... That is, act as if you are living the kind of life you always dreamed of living. Your actions will change your beliefs.
Basically in AA we do things to eventually feel better, instead of waiting to feel better before doing anything. This approach is scary. However, it is like monkey see, monkey do--when we hear others talk of their victories, we lose our fear and quiet some of the arguments of the committees we all carry in our heads. Many times in my life, I wanted to have everything figured out from start to finish before I even began. Such an approach caused me to think a lot, but to attempt nothing. Today, I gain self-respect just thinking of my many accomplishments, nearly all of which were done by showing up, going through the motions, and by just doing one small part at a time.
Almost everyone feels better after some type of exercise. I found that vigorous exercise moderated my moods more than medication. If my mind was speeded up and had dozens of thoughts running through it, a jog would slow my mind and allow me to deal with one idea at a time. In contrast, if I was depressed, running stimulated my mind and lifted my spirits. Judo workouts give my mind a break from all problems. In a sport such as judo, you can not worry for even an instant because in that instant your opponent can defeat you. A sport that demands focusing on the present forces us to go outside of ourselves. Often a break is all the mind needs to subconsciously find a solution. Sometimes we put too much pressure on our minds. When my workout forces me to stop thinking in circles about a problem, my mind arrives at a solution.
It has been found that aerobic activities release mood-altering chemicals thought to be natural opiates. Mood-altering drugs work because of the chemical nature of our nerves. Certain events stimulate the brain to release its own pleasure chemicals that consequently interact with pleasure receptors. The interaction makes us feel good. Exercise generates a natural high. Every time I ran until I was nearly exhausted, I felt a big high. My seven 26.2 mile marathons were spiritual experiences. After major athletic exertions, I remain high for days.
For years, many runners have attested to the power of exercise to improve their moods. Research has shown that exercise is helpful for depression. The temporary discomfort of exercise is nothing compared to the endless guilt and hopelessness I feel while lying in bed when depressed.
Getting started with an exercise program or even getting started for a single workout is hardest. I found it easiest to get started by getting with a group led by a teacher. I started to lose weight after I enrolled in a college judo class. The instructor slowly guided us along with a variety of warm-ups, stretches, and drills. The Sen Sei, or teacher, did the thinking and planning. I just had to show up. A leader decides what to do and for how long. There is something special about working out with a group. The pain bonds the group. Judo like many sports involves a variety of activities. Although I had a rough time with some drills, I excelled in others. Some judo students may be weak, but they may be extremely flexible.
It is important to start in a small way. Begin with something like yoga or tai chi--activities that are not too demanding and that have many others in the same poor shape as you. Many depressed people do little activity and a lot of eating. Starting with a tough aerobics class is not the place to begin. We need to accept reality. If we have not done much for our bodies, our climb out of couch-potato shape will take longer. Start with a good physical from your family doctor. Or, at least talk it over with your doctor ahead of time. That should be easy because many of us depressed people spend a lot of time in doctor's offices. Depression is cunning, it wants you to fail and feel bad. It will talk you into signing up for the toughest workout available. Then, after you have spent a great deal of money on new outfits and paid for a long-term membership in a health club, you will feel miserable when you quit due to extreme fatigue, muscle soreness, or most likely--embarrassment. You do not need to invest much money initially. Easy does it. Expensive machines are not needed. Most people never use the machines they buy. I have filled my house several times over with equipment that people have given me free or for almost nothing through yard-sales.
You could start with free instruction. I like this plan because it does not produce guilt from spending money on myself. On cable TV there are many excellent exercise programs. Public libraries are full of books and tapes on the subject. The cost is zero, especially if you walk to the library. An advantage of training on your own is that no one sees your rolls of fat or hears your labored breathing while you are getting in shape.
One scientific fact to keep in mind if you are heavy is that the heavier you are the more calories you burn. When I weighed 300 pounds exercise caused the weight to just fall off without a diet. At that weight, I burned up twice as many calories as an average 150-pound adult. I lost weight even though I regularly ate huge, hot-fudge sundaes. Back then, I was able to do exercise with great intensity.
In my decades of exercise, I have done weight lifting, wrestling, judo, tai chi, karate, football, aerobics, jazzercize, yoga, walking, stepping machines, swimming, cycling, and marathon running. All of them are good. Probably the best-all-around activity is walking. Walking provides aerobic training and has the advantage of few injuries. Walking also allows you to run errands while working out. Walking is one of the best activities for depressives because it can be done outside--thus giving the participant the anti-depressant effect of sunlight. At my age, I do a lot of walking. It gives me a sense of being in control because I walk on a regular basis no matter what the weather. Part of my routine is a weekly, three-mile round-trip to church. In my part of the country, I have to walk during periods of high temperature and high humidity, as well as during periods when there are many inches of snow and sub-zero wind chills. Making the journey no matter what the weather makes me feel stronger than the weather.
Exercise is not like earning a college degree. It never ends. At this point in our evolution humans need regular exercise. Maybe with our growing obesity, millions of years in the future we will evolve into large pear-shaped creatures--but that day has not come yet. Some of the best and strongest football players in high school die at an early age from heart disease if they do not continue regular exercise. Being a super star for 4-5 years does not guarantee a lifetime of good health. You and I are no different. To continue over a lifetime, experts say that we must find activities that we enjoy. It is probably enough to just walk a few times per week and do yard work occasionally. Another approach is just doing something every day for our health and then patting ourselves on the back for our effort. We deserve praise for any exercise we do because for a depressed person just getting out of bed is a victory.
When I am depressed, I am confused. By communicating with others, particularly those in support groups, I regain perspective. Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to go to meetings, to phone members, and to talk to my sponsor. A sponsor is one whom we admire and trust. Sponsors serve as mentors, guiding us through life. When I am feeling nervous or down, I feel disconnected from others. By talking to my brothers and sisters in support groups, I feel their love and caring.
Many of my mental problems resulted from my not feeling the love of my parents. They loved me, but I did not realize it; they were often too busy and mentally preoccupied to show their love. In the Twelve Step groups, I felt unconditional love. The people in AA loved me when I could not love myself.
A central principle of the program is humility. We have to admit we are powerless--that we can not handle something. We have to be humble enough to admit our hurt and to ask for help. I have witnessed many undergo a great change after exposing their pain at meetings.
In the first section of this book, I described my fifth step taken with my sponsor. The crying I did while sharing with him was a healing experience. I can tell my sponsor anything. He will not judge me. He will not laugh at me. He will not use what I say against me. However, as I have grown in the program, I find that there is very little that I need to hide from the world. I have put my past in the past. I would not be ashamed to have someone follow me around all day, any day. When a crew was going to record pieces of my typical day to put together for a movie of my life, I begin to try to live in a way that I did not have to be ashamed of anything.
For a long time, I trusted only people who were in a program. Later, I discovered that many of the so-called earth-people can be sources of help. Sometimes their perspective is excellent for they may have special, specific experience in solving my type of problem. Usually, when the support of earth-people did not help me, it was because I would not listen to them or try their suggestions.
Writing in a journal brings a different slant to my problems. My feelings become tangible instead of mere phantoms bouncing about in my head. Often when I am feeling down, my emotions are mixed up. Sometimes when I feel depressed, I'm actually feeling anger, hurt, or guilt. The writing process brings out my true feelings. As a child, I witnessed only a narrow range of feelings. My dad was often angry at the world. Adult males of my generation were allowed to express anger, even rage--but they could never feel hurt. My mother worried a lot. In an attempt to establish some control in our home, my mother tried to manipulate me into good behavior. Today, when others try to manipulate me, I get mentally and emotionally confused .
There are many approaches to journal writing. Sometimes I just write what comes into my mind. Other times, I need to be structured by: writing a gratitude list, doing a fourth-step inventory, or asking myself if I am too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. That spells HALT. Doing a HALT inventory has saved my life many times. My anger is often disguised as depression or guilt. Depressions often are unacknowledged anger, guilt, hurt, or grief. Anger generally results when I am not getting my own way. Feeling angry resembles the process of grief because if we lose something we are not getting our way. One member described anger as not getting our way, fear as when we are afraid we will not get our way, and resentment as when we remember a time when we did not get our way. Lonely and tired walk together in me. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the world on my back. When I am tired, my life is usually way out of balance; I am only working and not taking time for rest or recreation.
When I attended workshops and conferences for counselors, I learned many different writing methods. One can write imaginary letters. These letters might contain what you always wanted to tell one of your dead parents. As a further step, one could then write the kind of letter that the person could have written in response to your letter. This activity stimulates you to view the situation from a totally different perspective. I wrote these letters, and the results astounded me. To aid in this procedure, it was suggested that we write the response letter in other than our dominant hand. It was also recommended that we write letters to our inner child--that innocent, naive, part inside of us. Another approach is to imagine that your parent is sitting in a chair near you. With your imagination focused, you can direct toward the chair what you wanted to say to a deceased parent.
I found that I needed to face my past pain. I had to first feel the pain--the hopelessness and helplessness. Then I had to rethink the interpretations I drew from the experiences. From an adult perspective I could both appreciate the pain and come to understand it. I have heard that we often stuff feelings when we can not deal with them at the time. Later, when a safe opportunity presents itself, the feelings will once again manifest themselves. On these occasions we need to feel these hurts and spend time understanding them. If I do not face them when they float to the surface of my mind, these shadowy memories will continue to haunt me over and over agian in the future.
My painful memories from the past will always be with me, but they do not have to control my life. I like to think of the memories of my painful past as being like a radio. My memories of difficult events used to permeate my brain--like a radio that is blaring full blast into my ears. Later those hurtful memories became like a radio playing quietly in the background, not gone, but not affecting my day to day life.
A presenter at a conference for counselors said that there is no wrong way to meditate. Meditation for me occurs when I am aware of an inner voice. Periods of meditation make me aware of my fears, priorities, and dreams.
Some meditate best in church, others in the woods. For me, the place matters little; what is important is that I surrender my will to God. Often my Higher Power (HP) has worked miracles by putting people in my life who were able to help me with specific problems. At the meetings, God speaks through the people. I have received many revelations by just letting go and listening to others. For years, I prayed in multiple choice fashion: God you can do a, b, c, but not d and e. I did not totally trust my HP until He had transformed my life. Some of my best meditation happened while jogging. Many people go to retreats, either arranged by churches or by members of Twelve Step groups. These can be excellent. At a retreat you can be all alone with yourself. There are no telephones, televisions, or mail deliveries distracting you. As I stated earlier, a months-long depression ended for me at a religious retreat. At the time, I needed to get away in order to humbly ask my HP to remove my shortcomings.
There are many ways of meditating. One little trick I use to solve problems and make decisions is to ask myself, "What would a healthy person do?" or "What would I tell someone else?" It is easy to give advice because the advice-giver is not part of the problem, hence does not have emotional ties to the situation.
The steps tell me to turn my will and the life over to a Higher Power. I get serenity to the extent that I am able to let go of my need for control. I started with just turning over parts of my life. I turned alcohol over to my Higher Power early on. Consequently, I have not had a drink in over twenty-five years. For most of those years I did not even have a compulsion to drink. The problem was removed. As the years rolled along, I turned over more and more. When I was sober longer than I drank, I started to more or less turn my whole life over to God. By that time, I had achieved all that I had ever wanted and figured that since I already had my fun, it was safe to allow God to take over. I guess for a while I thought that God would give me a life that would preclude me achieving my dreams. What if He wanted me to give up sex? What if He wanted me to give up watching TV? I knew how Jesus used to ask his disciples to give up everything--friends, families, possessions, businesses. That was just too much for me. So, I held back until I got what I thought I deserved. It was a selfish outlook, but eventually I did give in. The gifts I received from following my HP's plan were beyond my wildest dreams.
My emotions often get tangled and changed from one to another. Usually when I am depressed emotions such as guilt, hurt, anger, or fear are involved. The force of emotions seems to demand expression, or at least acknowledgment. I am very sensitive to guilt. If any one hints that I am not doing my job, I get lowered feelings. While another person might instantly attack back, I am more brooding. "What if they are right or partially right?" I think.
I divide people into two general classes: those who react with anger and those who react with guilt. Those who react with angry outbursts get respect from some people. However, sooner or later they react too fast, then have to apologize. Chronically angry people often lose friends. Other people--the guilt prone--might feel numb or they may feel as if people are walking on them. Having a balance between the two reactions might be the best tack, but the world sometimes seems to be abundantly supplied with only those at the extremes. A person on one end of this spectrum goes to a jail due to uncontrolled anger; the other, on the other end, goes to a mental hospital. Both types often try self-medication with booze and other drugs; eventually this self-medication results in emotions that are even more out of control.
A whole business has sprung up around dealing with negative people. Through books, audio tapes, and video tapes people learn communication skills. The skills involve how to listen and how to respond. Participants are taught to send "I" messages. That is saying something like, "When you interrupt me at meetings, I think that you do not respect me, I feel like my opinion is worthless." This type of response forces people to identify their feelings. When egos get bruised, resentment grows. Workers may transfer or quit due to the insensitivity of co-workers. Management believes that a few hours of training will improve the whole staff's communication, thereby reducing resentments and hurt feelings. Everyone can benefit from this training. One can learn these skills by studying books and videos from libraries. However, since some people have spent a lifetime stuffing feelings and balancing giant chips on their shoulders, they need more than a few hours of training.
My friends in the programs have helped me live through toxic interactions with others. Writing in my notebook also helps me sort through my emotions that arise from having to deal with negative people. More information about using a notebook to sort out one's emotions is found in the section, "Write in a journal."
Through meditation I have discovered a positive aspect to the nastiness of some people. Their crude behavior made me more aware of my buttons, the parts of me that I am sensitive about. The painful feelings that they evoke forces me to look inside myself. Strong negative responses to people point to parts of my personality that I am trying to hide and deny. Sometimes I have done a successful job at repressing these negative aspects of myself. If it were not for the behavior of these people, I would never be aware of my hidden vulnerabilities. These sensitive areas may then be able to patiently wait to attack me when I am least able to deal with them.
My biggest depressions have come on the heels of disappointments. Depressions arrived when my dreams died. It's like the Rolling Stones say in the song "Ruby Tuesday," "Lose your dreams, lose your mind." The girl I planned to marry after I graduated from college lost interest in me; then mental illness ruled the next year of my life. I dreamed of being on talk shows after winning the Olympics in judo. A few months after a crushing defeat left me injured, my dream died and depression dominated my mind. The Temptations sing of "Broken Dreams," in "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted." I live on the hope in my dreams. When my dreams are destroyed, my mind goes out like a light. It is like there is no use living.
When I see others happily achieving their dreams, I feel sad if I am not reaching mine. I feel less of a person, less smart, less dedicated. I may become angry at God. I might reduce my pain by developing a good story of how others took away my chances for success. "My wife never encouraged me." "I did not have the chance to go to college." Defending our failures gets tiresome. Many people, especially the world's movers and shakers, do not appreciate such self-pity. Worst of all, on occasion, we may get sick of reciting our litany of blame, for we recognize our whole story as nothing but an empty series of excuses. For some, peace only comes from a bottle of booze or pills.
I have learned to nurture my dreams. Through the steps, especially steps four and five, I found out about me. I went beyond the evil. I looked at my interests and abilities. My life took on new meaning when I began to work toward my dreams. I did what it said in the song Flash Dance--"Take your passion and make it happen."
Before I could make a plan to reach my dreams, I had to acquire some self-esteem. The Twelve Step programs gave me a belief in myself. I had to reach the point where I thought that I deserved to succeed. Many times I worked hard, got real close to a major accomplishment, then something happened as the goal came into view. I sabotaged my efforts because I probably did not feel deep down inside that I deserved to succeed.
What opened up the door to my dreams was a series of questions I came across. It was recommended by various experts that one should quickly answer a series of questions to find out what one really values, and what one wants out of life.
Some of these important questions are:
If you won a million dollars, what would you do?
If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?
Describe in detail what your ideal day or week would be like?
How would you spend your time if you knew in 6 months you would die?
Imagine you received a magic pill to accomplish one thing, what would you do?
Questions like these will give you insight into what you want and what is missing from your life.
I cause most of my problems. I can have a much happier and a more serene life if I just slow down. I schedule serenity out of my life. This is a dominant problem for me because I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This condition leaves my mind scattered in many different directions; making it hard to identify priorities. I may spend loads of time on trivia then neglect important duties because I seemingly do not have time. It is possible for me to be organized and get things done--it is just a little harder for me than for other people who are naturally always well-organized.
Many in our society probably suffer from this disorder, especially people in AA and NA. One hears so many stories like mine in which people have had great difficulty in school--they just could not get organized--often their behavior led them to be suspended or expelled.
I found a unifying theme to achieve goals despite my ADD handicap by studying dozens of books about achieving dreams. They all expound on the same few ideas. To reach our dreams we must first discover what they are. We find them by working the steps and by meditating. We think over our lives, noting what we have always wanted to do. We look at the kinds of play we enjoyed as a youngster. We examine our recurring daydreams.
After we discover our dreams, the experts advocate writing them down and looking at them each day. This focuses me on where I want to go. I keep forgetting and getting distracted. I need to gently remind myself on a regular basis what I really want. After I discover my dreams, I brainstorm ideas for reaching them. Gradually, by taking a step at a time, I do tasks that I need to achieve my dreams. This method is not new. An old saying describes it as "the journey of a thousand miles, begins with the first step."
One major key to reaching goals is to break them into small pieces. Having a dream of running a 26-mile marathon can be broken down into many small steps that anyone can do. Talking to your doctor about getting in shape is a good, first step. If that is too much, just decide on a day to set up the appointment. Don't start your training with a 15-mile run. A major step might be to walk for twenty minutes today. If that is too much try to walk for five minutes. Other steps might be talking to other runners or looking at fitness books and magazines in the library. Reading will give you knowledge and motivation. Achieving any dream is just a matter of Easy Does It.
The method I use for large, complicated goals is to write my goal in the center of a large blank piece of paper (I use the back of a calendar page), then jot down all the possible small tasks that could help me reach the goal. I look for how the tasks are related by connecting them with lines. This produces a diagram that looks like a large spider web. It shows how each task will put me closer to my dream. Whenever I do one of the tasks, for example learning one new stretching exercise; I know that I am on my way; I am in control. Before I used this method, I used to be bored with everything. I thought, "What is the sense in all of this?" Today, I see almost everything I do as being part of a grand plan of my life. This method makes me feel like a little kid, doing what he wants to do.
At times, I will study my spider-web plan to cobble together priorities for the day or week. The more often I review my master plan, the more energized I feel. This type of planning works for me, a person certified as scattered, forgetful, and a time waster. If you are not as disorganized as I am, an easier, simpler method might work.
The best wrestler on our college team told me that the main thing in winning wrestling matches is desire. Desire is behind most of the successes I' ve experienced. I had to become willing to pay the price. Many goals involve great sacrifice. To avoid beating up on myself, if I decide that I do not want to pay the price, I need to accept my decision without regrets, blame, or self-pity.
Back to running a marathon, anyone who runs a marathon has to put in many miles on the road. We are talking 40-50 miles per week with a few long runs of 12-20 miles. Maybe, at this point in your life you are working two jobs and going to college; you may not have the time to do it all at this time. We need to be reasonable. You do not have to live an entire life in one year. Although martial arts has taught me not to say, "I can't," saying that I chose not to is OK.
Besides trying to do everything at once, I fail to plan for changes. One fellow said that the way to stay married for a long time is to always use a list, but always leave a space at the top for the thing your wife will want you to do that day. I tend to get excessive with lists. I put too much on my plate, and I get compulsive about getting everything done. Today, I try to write my daily list on small, 3"X 2" scraps of paper so that not much can fit on them. At the bottom I put the 1-3 things that have to get done that day. Tasks which could be done if the others get done are noted with a question-mark. I try to add activities to my to-do list that serve as breaks for relaxation and recreation. This all might be excessive, but it does work for me. Scheduling tasks demonstrates my acceptance of my ADD condition and my commitment to my goals. It is what I have to do. Everyone has to accept their limitations. For example, some people have diabetes and require diet modifications and/or daily injections for their diabetic condition. If they do not do these tasks, they will have to deal with consequences like loss of consciousness, blindness, or limb amputations.
Most books that describe how to reach your dreams, go to great lengths to push the idea of schedules--daily, weekly, monthly, etc. It seems that the most successful people use schedules. If the best people use schedules, then it behooves me, one who is classified among the least organized in our society, to use them. If the movers and shakers have to use them, why shouldn't the rest of us use them as well?
Many times, my HALT inventory reveals that I am too tired. Often times it is an emotional, mental, or social tiredness (that is I' m tired of trying to please people and make them happy). Sometimes I lack the brakes to keep me from getting too worn-out. I get too excited, too involved in too many activities, and say yes to many long-term commitments--then my brain shuts off, or I come down with an illness. I have observed that when I have many magazines laying around, I will soon be sick because the unread magazines mean that I have not had enough time for myself. By getting a bad cold or a case of strep throat, I am forced to go to bed, and while there I get caught up on my reading. Some years, I used personal days to take time for myself. During those years I did not have to take any sick days. My work performance rose since I did not have to take any unplanned days off for illness.
I tend to envy others. I notice how happy they seem to be with all their toys and with all the good-looking people they have around them. Advertisers tap into our envy when they show their products surrounded by happy and attractive people. It is easy for me to feel cheated if I' m not getting as much happiness as I think others are experiencing. I need to schedule times and opportunities to be happy.
The important aspect of being good to yourself is that we do what we want to do. It might be something which we consider wasting time such as sitting in front of the television. A good inventory will reveal what makes me happy.
When I suffer major nervousness it is often because I am putting off making a decision, or I am delaying taking some action due to fear. Decisions that involve small day-to-day decisions are not important, and it does not matter much which way we act. Often, I worry about the sequence of what I plan to do. I need to remember that for many goals it generally does not matter what I do first.
Major decisions such as getting married, buying a house, or going to college are important and require careful thinking of alternatives, gathering of information, and consulting with others. I caused myself much anguish because of a belief that men had to make all decisions instantly. The AA Big Book says that we should examine all sides of an issue, say a prayer, then let go--the answer will come. Another major difficulty I had in the past with decisions was that I did not have the humility to ask for and listen to the feedback from others. Talking with others or writing in my journal usually identifies the specific fear that is causing my procrastination.
All my life I gave others the power to make me happy or sad. Criticism put me in the dumps all day, while compliments made me high. Depending upon others for our self-worth sets us up for sadness if we don't obtain the praise that we thought we would get. Sometimes others are too occupied with their own problems to notice our accomplishments. That is, they do not follow the script we wrote for them from our daydreams.
By acting as our own cheerleaders, we develop real self-worth. Since we know where we are going, where we have been, and how much progress we have made, we should be the best judge of how we are doing. For some of us, getting out of bed is a major improvement. We should endorse ourselves for every small improvement, even for effort that does not bring immediate results. Learning to pat myself on the back was the most useful practice that I learned in Recovery, Inc. A doctor, who was a recovering alcoholic, stated, "If I did not drink today I am a success today." Another recovering alcoholic with twenty-seven years of sobriety said that most of life was just showing up. I frequently say these ideas to myself. I believe that there are days when all I am supposed to do is hang on and not drink. Twenty-four hours later my universe will be totally different.
Alcoholics are self-centered people. I heard that if there is a room full of people, the alcoholic will be the one person standing in everyone else' s way. We think the universe revolves around us.
I have found that helping another person is not a chore or a sacrifice. It is joy in and of itself. It makes me feel good when I help others--be it by sharing my story at a meeting, shoveling snow for a neighbor, or picking up garbage along the road.
When I entered AA, I heard members say that a true spiritual act was to do something good for someone then not tell anyone. This seems simple, but I am still working on it. The first part of helping someone I do pretty well, but I sure enjoy telling others. I have made a lot of progress--at least I do not tell as many people.
Periodically, I need to do something for someone else. By picking up ash trays, chairing meetings, and speaking in institutions; I receive humility and feel more a part of humanity.
The following passage by psychiatrist, W. Beran Wolfe, gives reasons for helping others.
"To find happiness we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves ....
If you live only for yourself you are always in immediate danger of being bored to death with the repetition of your own views and interests. It matters little, for psychological purposes, whether you interest yourself in making your town cleaner, or enlist in a campaign to rid your city of illicit narcotics, or whether you go in for boys' clubs. Choose a movement that presents a distinct trend toward greater human happiness and align yourself with it. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow men. If you pride yourself on your ambition, take a mental inventory of its ends, and ask yourself whether you desire to attain those personal ends, and forgo the opportunities of being happy, or whether you prefer to be happy and forgo some of the prestige that your unfulfilled inferiority complex seems to demand."4 Going for a half-hour walk and picking up trash in my village never fails to raise my mood. For years I sought the perfect combination of drugs to make me feel good. I did not realize that there are healthy, useful means to happiness. I also have gotten a high from following Dr. Wolfe' s prescription of getting aligned with a program that increases human happiness. By working with other adults to provide local youth with a teen center for safe activities, I feel worthwhile and a part of the world. When drinking by myself, I wanting no part of the world.
After being sober a while, I discovered that some of my worry, guilt, and anxiety was deserved because I was neglecting responsibilities. To deal with responsibilities, I started to set aside time each week to get caught up on routine jobs around the house. When I feel sad, cleaning, organizing, or putting things away makes me feel more in control. When I feel a little low, looking around at dozens of half-done jobs makes me even more depressed. Just doing a small task like cleaning out one desk drawer will usually give me a lift. Taking care of my responsibilities raises my self-esteem.
Denis Waitley, a success coach, advocates calling 7 days out of every 365 fear days. You mark the calendar with an "F." On those days you take some action on your fears. After a while these days become follow-through days. That comes out to one day every seven weeks. It is amazing how much you can take care of in such a small amount of time. The alternative is to worry every day about all these tasks, projects, or problems that we are putting off. You feel good by the action, and you feel good when the task is completed. Getting started is hardest. Remember to go easy at first. Pick a small problem that can be taken care of in a short period of time.
There is a small book, entitled The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, that has given me inspiration. In one part, the book says,
" Then an orator said, Speak to us of Freedom. And he answered: ...You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound." 5
I have come to accept the truth in this passage. For years I sought freedom from all responsibilities, but true freedom is being able to accept obstacles and problems, then deal with them.
At many meetings people say that you have to play the tape all the way until the end. When we have an urge to drink or jump into something, we need to look at the whole picture. I like to use my imagination, the daydreaming skills I honed in elementary school. Visualizing a project ahead of time counters my strong urge to say yes to people and jump into some commitment that might steal all of my spare time. I take a few minutes, often when I'm walking for exercise, to picture myself carrying out the project. I focus on how I would feel, and I list all the tasks that I will have to do--not just the fun activities. When I see the list and imagine how I will feel doing some of the tasks, I find it easier to back away from work that I really do not like to do.
Taking on projects can be a smoke screen to hide other work I need to focus on. Sometimes I volunteer for some endeavor just to keep busy so that I do not have time to think. If I am idle, I may not be comfortable with the thoughts that surface. Other times my busy lifestyle allows me I to run away from things I do not want to deal with. I avoid tasks because of fear that I will not be perfect and that others will see my imperfection.
I lose peace of mind by getting involved in long-term projects that eventually turn into just more burdens. Sometimes I take on the task for the wrong motives. I may want to impress someone or prove that I am smart. Often, though, I just do not think. To help myself with this tendency, I look inside myself. I list what I want to do with my life. Then, I establish some sort of priorities. Finally, I try to do projects related to my priorities. Because some things can not be easily done when one is old, stiffened with arthritis, and suffering with a bad back, I place physical activities like judo competitions and walking across the Grand Canyon near the top of my list.
I have had major problems with anxiety, worry, and insomnia. An excellent tool that I learned from Recovery, Inc. was to decide if what I am stewing about is a possibility or a probability. Many events are possible, but not probable. If I do not sleep, I probably will be able to get through the next day. I accept that conclusion because I have lived through thousands of days when I did not get much sleep.
Thinking causes my anxiety to balloon. When I can not instantly make a decision, come up with an answer, or get worry out of my mind, I beat up on myself. I become my worst enemy. I need to allow myself to be human. We all are faced with irritations, disappointments, and other circumstances that affect our ability to think. Recovery Inc. maintains that we are entitled to our original response to events. That is we are allowed to be angry or confused. If we do not attach danger or blame to these feelings, they will rise then fall. I need time to cool off before my brain will work efficiently. Somehow I have gotten this idea that I should deal with life perfectly like actors in a movie.
My desires have no limits. I never get enough. As they say, one is too many and a thousand never enough. If something makes me feel good, I want more and more of it. This was true for booze, food, and jogging. After I retired I wanted to read 10-20 books. After a short while I wanted to read 100 books. As I write this I' ve finished 840, and I' m telling myself that when I read 50 more, I will be ready to move on to something else. But, there is never enough. I need to figure out what a reasonable amount would be, then be satisfied. I need to exert some control over my desires.
Recovery, Inc. says a lot about controlling ourselves. While granting that we can not control the thoughts that pass through our brains, we can control our physical reactions. That is, we can command our muscles not to act. If we want to tell someone off, we can control our speech muscles. At first it is very difficult, but once we start doing it we realize that it is possible, then it becomes easier. We have to teach our brain who is boss.
Another helpful Recovery, Inc. tool involving control is to practice motionless sitting. If we are worked up, nervous, agitated; we can actually calm our nerves by just sitting still for ten minutes. When we are moving around, our muscles keep our nerves agitated. Conversely, by sitting or lying still, we can slow down our stream of thought. Although sitting works well, greater calm can sometimes be achieved by paying attention to something other than the storm of thoughts in our head. Experts suggest concentrating on our breathing. Trying to lower my pulse often helps me.
I learned about minding my own business in Al-Anon. The friends and relatives of practicing alcoholics have much experience rescuing alcoholics. Our culture sometimes sends the message that we are responsible for our relatives. We may also enter a rescue mode because we do not want anyone to think that we made a wrong choice by picking out a loser for a spouse.
Some sayings I have heard in meetings have stuck in my head for decades. One of these was "Make yourself perfect first." I like this statement. It fools me into thinking that I am permitted to fix and save people, but because I will never be perfect, I will never get to the part about fixing others.
When I want to preach to someone, I imagine how I felt during the many, many lectures that I was forced to endure. Almost always, I resented them, and I wanted to do the opposite, just for spite. Others probably feel the same way.
When I have been upset about the behavior of others and could not seem to let go of it, people in the meetings gave me excellent advice. Over and over again they said, "Jim, put your finger on your nose. You can only control what is behind your finger." It also helps to tell myself, "who am I to give advice. After all of my mistakes and bad decisions who am I to give advice."
I must allow people the dignity of making choices and making mistakes. Some training for teachers stresses using natural consequences as the chief punishment. For example, if the natural consequence of fooling around in class is failing, let the person fail. Some of us get in the habit of expecting others to pick us up and make things all better, even though our stubborn behavior is what got us into trouble. I had to experience the total package of suffering that my drinking brought me before I went for help. If I had been rescued from my pain, I would have ever found sobriety. When someone asks for help or feedback, that is a different story. I try to help others in the way that I was helped; I tell them what I did and how I felt when I went through a similar event. I need to remember that in times of distress, a person needs another' s cool mind to help see more options, discover core issues, and establish priorities.
Every time we discuss the topic of helping others someone reminds us to pray for the person. Prayer usually works. Sometimes the person has to suffer a little more first. Occasionally, the person never gets her life together, but our lives get better because of our efforts. Our prayers allow us to let go; maybe in the process, we can help someone else who is ready to accept our help. We all need to be reminded of the power of an addiction and of where we once were. I have seen many miracles occur after I prayed. As a scientist, I can not explain how my prayers change circumstances. However, I can observe, analyze, and draw conclusions. Over and over I have observed prayer helping in seemingly helpless situations, so I conclude that prayer works. If miracles occur after prayer, prayer causes miracles.
At this point in my recovery, I usually control my impulses. However, I still suffer because I judge others. When I hear the news or read the newspaper I get upset over how members of my species are behaving. I think, "How awful, how could they...." These judgments erode my serenity. The more I think or complain about how terrible the world is, the more time and serenity I lose. I allow the actions of others to rent space in my head for free. I can not be happy or be enjoying the present moment while I am ruminating about how bad people are.
My silent anger is most powerful when some one around me behaves in a way that I have determined to be wrong. I am more sensitive when my self-importance has been stepped on; in other words, when I have not been noticed or appreciated. Sometimes I am upset over the same behavior that I have done. I used to hate it when my students would sit in the back of the room chatting while I was expounding about the valence of carbon or the specific heat of water. I forgot that when I was a student I talked all the time. I forgot about being kicked out of confirmation class for talking.
I have found some ideas and exercises to deal with my tendency to judge others. Thinking of how well-adjusted people deal with the world helps me. I remember a priest who said that for some people the best they can do is to get to church once a week. The rest of the week they commit a multitude of sins. At least they are Christians for an hour. If I were a priest, I surely would have a great deal of resentments over members of my flock who were not transformed by hearing my sermons. I get relief from my judgments if I can visualize myself in the same circumstances as others are in. I challenge myself to brainstorm reasons for a person's behavior. The old saying was that we should walk a mile in someone's shoes. I try to give others the benefit of a doubt. Recovery, Inc. says to excuse rather than accuse. I do not know everything others are going through or have had to live with. The Recovery tool is "to know is to know you donÕt know." When I assume that I know completely what is wrong or right in every case, then I am being God--all knowing.
In the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions a sentence takes the air out of my balloon of anger and self-righteousness: "... if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change." I take this to mean that if I am so high and mighty, why can't I practice acceptance.
My attitudes display patterns or cycles. When I have been upset over the actions of others, I have always found that it was when I needed a meeting and when I was in HALT (too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). My spiritually is involved, maybe because I have not been doing the things I know I should be doing. I need to put the focus on myself; one story in the Big Book confirms my lack of spirituality when the author says, "And when I get upset, cross-grained and out of touch with my fellow man I know I have been out of tune with God."
I am not as bad as I used to be. At times when I witness really outrageous behavior, I get gratitude. I am thankful that this time it is not me. If I have the right attitude, I can quickly remember the time when I was doing something equally disgraceful. I have made many mistakes in my life. My actions when I drank were about as bad as any I have ever witnessed. When someone makes a mistake driving, I do not go into a rage like most people. I just see someone making a mistake. Maybe they are feeling sick. Maybe they are just having a rough day. If I drive 10 miles or so, I might notice out of 50 drivers 1 or 2 driving too slow or not using a turn signal. That is the same ratio as my making a similar blunder once out of 50 days of driving. I have never driven perfectly 50 days in a row. If I do not drive or act perfectly, how can I presume that others must.
We all have our sensitive areas. While rudeness on the road does not bother me, people talking in church or at a meeting often drives me up the wall. Many people who do things that annoy me do not consider what they are doing to be wrong. Others, with more tolerance than I, have said that these rude people are just works in progress. If I think for a few minutes, I can remember when without intending to, I annoyed others. For example, when I was sniffling due to a cold and was in the library, a lady at the same table became irritated. She stated that I was bothering her.
For more discussion about judging others see the section "Strive for humility."
I take on the attitudes of people around me. I am a chameleon--I change colors to match my surroundings. If I am around positive, successful people, I will be positive and successful. I lack the capability of lifting people up to my level; negative people always suck me down to their level of misery and dysfunction. I do not have the power to save anybody. All I have is my story. In former days, I wanted everyone to like me so I tried to be a friend to all, including the immature losers. Today, I try to be kind to all, but only close to people with positive attitudes.
I have been blessed with having many winners around me. Although I am smart enough to memorize all kinds of information for tests, I am not wise enough to get inspired by just reading about people lives. I need to actually see them succeed. I have witnessed many AA members pull themselves out of the holes they dug for themselves, and rise like eagles toward their dreams. Some of my heroes used to just live off of the system. They cost the public, which includes you and me, untold dollars by living on welfare, committing crimes, and attending dozens of rehabs. Later they went to college, landed good jobs, and tried to help others.
An old timer in AA used to always say, "I have come to accept that when I have an attitude of gratitude, I am not depressed." People at the meetings often tell depressed people to write a gratitude list. If you think you have nothing to be grateful for, you can start by being grateful for what body parts you have--arms, legs, fingers, eyes. Some people do not have as many arms and legs as you and I do. Since I've gotten older I have experienced increasing body aches. At times, I review all the body parts that I have had pain with, then feel grateful if one or more are at that moment free of pain. Ask yourself if you have a roof over your head. As I write these words the temperature is going to be zero tonight, and people will be sleeping outside on the street and in dumpsters. If you have a warm place to sleep, be grateful. Many people with alcoholism or other mental problems end up living on the street. When I realize that there but for the grace of God go I, I feel gratitude. If I had not worked the program, I could very well be living on the streets, wetting my pants, and screaming at people who are not there.
Gratitude has little to do with how much we have. At times, I just look at all that others have. I think about what I do not have--rather than what I do have. When I speak at rehabs and jails, I appreciate what the program has given me. I am reminded of what my life used to be like. For many years, I cursed God. Today, I feel that my life has been blessed.
Sometimes I appreciate that we make ourselves miserable. One day as I waited in line to buy donuts, there was a slightly retarded woman from a local institution waiting in the same line. She was showing everyone her shoes which were new, but not very expensive. When it came time for her to choose her donut she was so excited. She was in the moment. The other day, I bought two pair of the best jogging shoes in a large shoe store; I eat some of the very best foods, yet I do not come close to being as excited and grateful as that woman in the donut shop. Gratitude arises not from what we have, but in how we view what we have.
I find a message of gratitude in the following by Maltbie Babcock:
"Contentment is not satisfaction. It is the grateful, faithful, fruitful use of what we have, little or much. It is to take the cup of Providence, and call upon the name of the Lord. What the cup contains is its contents. To get all there is in the cup is the act and art of contentment. Not to drink because one has but half a cup, or because one does not like its flavor, or because someone else has silver to one's own glass, is to lose the contents; and that is the penalty, if not the meaning of discontent. No one is discontented who employs and enjoys to the utmost what he has. It is high philosophy to say, we can have just what we like if we like what we have; but this much at least can be done, and this is contentment: to have the most and best in life by making the most and best of what we have." 6
Some of the AA groups near me, read page 449 from the 3rd edition of the Big Book on acceptance at every meeting. It starts out, "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." I heard about acceptance when I first walked into AA; today decades later, acceptance is still the answer to all of my problems. They told me I had to accept my body, brain, parents, and community. Most of us are far better at denying, rationalizing, and blaming. "I would have been a big success, but...." "If it were not for my parents, my teachers, my ...."
I liked science and could study it with great intensity, but I did not think my IQ was high enough for any real success. When I found out that my IQ was about the same, maybe a bit higher, than one of the scientists who figured out the structure of DNA, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. So, I really was smart enough; I was left with absolutely no excuse. It is easier to make excuses, than to put in years of hard work. You can always find some other loser to listen to you.
Making up long, involved stories and excuses for our lives wastes a lot of energy. Now it is OK to not go after a Nobel prize or sainthood if we choose. But, we should not blame our empty lives on an institution or on another person.
We were not all meant to be superstars. Our world needs people who are just good, kind people. The world needs people to listen to the ones who are struggling with some cause or invention. Maybe we can decide to go for a balanced life, instead of some one-sided crusade to change a part of the world. Maybe our purpose is to encourage someone else to change the world. Perhaps our reason for being is to spend a great deal of time with our kids. They in turn might go on to help someone who ends up doing something great. We are all connected; the good we do in our small corner of the world is far reaching. Many humble roles can significantly change the world. Even going to a meeting and just sitting in a chair is important. If we came to a meeting and no one else was there, we could not get help by talking to ourselves.
I have to accept my level of willingness. It is OK to not want to pay the price for greatness. Think of the willingness an Olympic gold medalist must have. Sure they have more talent then the rest of us, but they still had to put in enormous effort over many years. One Olympic skier never had a chance to learn how to dance. I have no right to blame others for my not being great, especially if I am not willing to make the sacrifices that are necessary and typical of the great.
Being inclined to depression, I tend to not accept my past life with its mistakes and bad decisions. I have spent many hours in the " if only' s." If only I would have gone out for football earlier, if only I would have studied karate as a kid, if only .... There is nothing I can do about the past. I needed to make mistakes to get to where I am today. Like my everyone else, I did the best I could at the time. Mistakes were teachers. Mistakes motivated me. I need to forgive myself as I should forgive others. It is like the Lord' s Prayer: " Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive others their trespasses."
Over the years, I have discovered that I am not all that special. Others have felt pain, embarrassment, fear, and hurt. Others have struggled with accepting that they were inferior to others in one or more ways. Many great people have experienced major problems, yet they overcame them to become great.
Besides learning from members of Twelve Step programs about the difficulties of acceptance, I have found help in literature. The following passage by Joshua Loth Liebman describes a way of looking at a lack of perfection.
"Let us, then, learn how to accept ourselves--accept the truth that we are capable in some directions and limited in others, that genius is rare, that mediocrity is the portion of almost all of us, but that all of us can contribute from the storehouse of our skills to the enrichment of our common life. Let us accept our emotional frailties, knowing that every person has some phobia lurking within his mind and that the normal person is he who is willing to accept life with its limitations and its opportunities joyfully and courageously."
A small book, entitled The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, has given me inspiration about acceptance. In one part, the book says, Ō"And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain. And he said:
... And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."
I take this passage to mean that when I accept the rise and fall of life, I will have serenity. Members of AA have reduced this philosophy to the simple statement of "This too shall pass."
As an addict, I only wanted to feel great. I thought I was special. I did not deserve boredom or sadness. I wanted to have no difficulties or obstacles on my path toward ever greater achievements, honors, and joys. My close friends said, "Why not you? What makes you so special?" A popular song talks about running against the wind. I need to go with the flow, rather than demanding that everything go my way. If the weather is bad, I can read a book indoors. If the weather is nice, I can work in my garden.
I have to accept that my thinking is a symptom of depression. I am my worst enemy. My mind tends to project the worst. Not only do I imagine a situation to keep getting worse, but I project that my ability to deal with it will leave. At the same time, I think all pain will last forever. I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not realize that sometimes others help me. My friends have frequently told me in my anxious moments that God does not give us more than He and I canÕt handle together. They also say that God did not bring you this far to abandon you. My sponsor says that we should always look for the good in a situation. When I look for some good I always find it.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous asserts that we first had to quite playing God. We had to stop believing that we knew everything and that everything had to go according to our plans. In the Twelve and Twelve, Bill Wilson calls our lack of humility our crippling handicap. The more years I stay sober, the more I believe that striving for humility is central to achieving serenity.
People who need self-help programs often think they know what is best, and that they must have their way in all situations. They are stubborn in their thinking. They judge the world, other people, and all events. They ascribe blame. When we believe we know what is best we lack humility.
Often know-it-alls blame themselves as well. They say nasty things to themselves for making mistakes, or for not doing as well as they think they should. Others blame people and situations outside themselves. Because of their high expectations for others and themselves, these negative people are restless, irritable, and discontented. Their attitude causes them to see more danger and challenge then actually exist. When the human species lived in the wild, everyone had to quickly think and act because there was a lot of danger around. The cave person often had to sprint away upon hearing a noise. Saber-toothed cats and other large predators would have eliminated our species if we were not always on guard looking for danger. In contrast, today having a constant vigilant attitude works against us. All day, our bodies may be geared up for fight or flight, yet we must sit still and be cool.
One aspect of humility may unify all self-help programs. Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, wrote that perfect humility would be a willingness to find and do the will of God, and at another time noted that the basic ingredient of humility was a desire to seek and do God's will. In order to obtain this willingness or desire, we must first believe that we do not have all the answers. One of the books of the NA fellowship says that we have to believe that God's wisdom far exceeds our own. If we really believe that we do not know all the answers, then we will stop judging ourselves, other people, and events.
I am my worst enemy. My thinking gets me in trouble. People tell me, "When you see the sign Think, Think, Think, don't." I always think I know what will happen if.... When I think I know what is going to happen, I am playing God, for no person can know the future. When I worry about problems, I forget about all the good things that have come from my failings and my problems. The pain of my alcoholism led me to AA which gave me a life beyond all my expectations. The despair of being put away on a locked psychiatric ward gave me the motivation to work the Twelve Steps.
I jump to conclusions without real evidence to go on. I think I can control and influence the world. I do not really know if I can. What I think I have caused may be just a random happening. I may be like an ant trying to steer a log rushing downstream by leaning from side to side. Sometimes I think my success in life came because I was more spiritual in working the steps, but this idea could be an illusion. Maybe my happy life only continues because I continue to do the simple tasks that they tell me to do. Likewise, diabetics lead normal lives by continuing to take insulin.
I see humility as knowing that I do not know. Recovery, Inc. words this idea as, "To know is to know you do not know." I do not know what is good for me. I think I know what is best, but I probably just go for what I think will make me feel good, then I grasp at reasons that sound logical to screen my real motives.
The student of Zen says that things are not inherently good or bad--they just are. Meditation has led me to agree with the Zen student. I see that everything has advantages and disadvantages. All the stuff I have ever wanted, I now own. But, all that stuff demands time and attention. My cars need cleaning and regular maintenance. Electronic entertainment (televisions, VCR's, and computers) pull me away from direct interactions with people. When we acquire lots of stuff, paperwork expands to make our lives more complex. If we end up with a lot more stuff than others, we have to obtain extra insurance, besides equipping our homes with special security devices. The rich end up with more law suits. No one bothers to sue someone who is not wealthy. If you do become real rich and famous, you may need to hire bodyguards. You may lose your private life. You may even have to disguise yourself to avoid being hounded by autograph seekers every time you leave your house.
I have always craved to be a highly paid expert. But, experts have problems too. People in the public eye might enjoy periods of admiration, but usually they eventually make a mistake or are alleged to have made a mistake, then the press eats them alive. Eexperts can also lose serenity by having to defend their ideas over and over.
Zen devotees maintain that our expectations and desires cause all of our problems. If we did not expect so much from other people and the world, we would not be so disappointed. Instead of expecting a lot, I need to accept life as it is. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems. A lack of acceptance flows directly from the arrogant attitude that I deserve to have money, fame, and romance. My friends explained it to me when they said, "Jim, what makes you think you are so special." Fear is behind some of my excessive expectations. I am afraid that I am not good enough to be loved, but if I get enough stuff or get a lot of fame, then people will like me. Money and fame become very important when we are convinced that they are the only things that can protect us from abandonment.
Twelve-Step programs aim us toward a faith in a Higher Power. We are admonished to "turn it over," "to let go and let God." When we do this, we give up the part of us that thinks it knows everything. Usually, we feel better because we have just left events unfold the way they were supposed to. When we are obsessed by resentment, we are told to pray for the person. This action gives us relief because it causes us to let go of the need to judge and punish. Serenity also comes when we use the Serenity Prayer. By letting a Higher Power, nature, or physics handle the things we have no control over, we achieve a measure of peace. I find that the more I try to control things, the less time I have for myself.
By examining our thought processes, Recovery, Inc. teaches humility without even mentioning God or a Higher Power. Recovery posits that temper is behind all mental problems. All temper is activated by a quick, automatic judgment of who is right and who is wrong. There are two kinds of temper. In one, we blame ourselves, in the other we blame something outside of ourself. Recovery tools taught me to slow my thinking and to stop making quick judgments of right and wrong. Depressions result from repeatedly judging ourselves for being wrong or not good enough. To reduce the power of our temper, Recovery tells us to aim at being average. Recovery explains that the average person experiences a life full of irritations, frustrations, and disappointments. We are told that people can often be rude, crude, and indifferent. Over and over again in Recovery meetings we are shown examples of how most things in life are average and trivial; they are just not that important to get upset about.
A humble attitude involves not thinking we are right all of the time. I can achieve a measure of serenity by letting go of the need to judge, control, and manipulate the world. In other words, I can let go of the obsession to get my way all the time. I can do this by letting God run the universe or I can the tools of Recovery, Inc. to analyze my thought processes.
If you are a nervous person, a neurotic, a manic-depressive, a depressive, or an addict you can lead a full, rich life. I once felt hopeless when faced with my nervous breakdown and bottles of pills. I never thought I would ever be happy or feel good about myself. But I found an answer in support groups. Groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous opened the gates of hell and gave me a chance to live in the world. Give these programs a good try. What do you have to lose? As they say, "Try it for ninety days, if you do not like it, we will refund your misery." If I can do it so can you.
2. Durant, W. "What is civilization?" The Ladies' Home Journal. Curtis Publishing Company, 1946
3. Low, Abraham A., Mental Health Through Will-Training 2nd edition, Winnetka, Illinois 60093: Willett Publishing Co., 1986
4. Wolfe, W. How to Be Happy Though Human, Rinehart and Company, 1931
5. Gibran, K. The Prophet, Alfred A. Knoff, Inc., 1923
6. Babcocky, M. Thoughts for Everyday Living, Charles Scribner's Sons, 1901