Look at the universe. Just look at it. Who does it think it is, anyway? It doesn’t know. That’s why I am here today speaking with renowned astrophysicist and insight regurgitater, Professor Ed Infinitum, who believes the universe evolved out of the desire to eat candy. Professor, could you please explain your marshmallow slant on the big bang theory, and how it relates to your latest theory of the leprechaun messiah?

I would be happy to. You see, all matter is composed of tiny granulated particles, what we like to call the “simple sugars” of the universe. Evolution was set in motion by the innate desire of these particles to interact with each other as chocolate and other delicious treats, and ultimately to create man, who would complete the cycle by ingesting and digesting the various candies that are to his liking.

Yes, I don’t think any of us would argue with that, but how does it logically prove the existence of the leprechaun messiah, as you so slobberingly say it does?

Because the ancient Gumbo text clearly states that the coming messiah will appear as a “jolly woodsprite of a man”, a bushbaby if you will. Some argue that this prophecy has already been fulfilled, and that this messiah has already manifested himself as the spokesman for a certain marshmallow laden breakfast cereal. Further evidence of this has recently been discovered off the coast of Kentucky, during a routine compost pile excavation.

Many of your colleagues have called you a vacuous simpleton. How would you respond to that accusation?

Merely by pointing out that there can never be an area of space anywhere that is completely vacuous, otherwise it would not exist.

Speaking of space, you said in your book that space is expanding, much like a marshmallow after being squeezed, but what is it expanding into?

Simple. It is expanding into regions it has never been before.

Fair enough. Now talk briefly about the implications of your theories, and how we should live our lives in light of your brilliance.

Well, since the ultimate reality is actually a sweet, syrupy substance in never-ending motion, it follows that all things are both edible and yummy when broken down into their primordial elements. I call this law the universal twinkie ratio. Once this law is understood, it will be possible to construct a machine that will enable us to take any object, be it a tricycle or an ancient pyramid, and convert it into tasty snack food form, thereby solving all the world’s problems. And now I see that my bus has arrived, so I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this interview another time.