SCENE IV: The Elementary School
(KAREN and JACK are waiting outside the office. Karen is sitting as JACK paces.)

KAREN: [SIGHS] Stop fidgeting. What is the matter with you?

JACK: I-I-I thought I could handle being here, but it's too much. Oh, I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder! This was my 'Nam, man!

SECRETARY: [EXITING THE OFFICE] Mrs. Walker? Principal Daley is ready to see you now.

KAREN: [TO JACK] All right, this shouldn't take long. He'll tell me the fat one set something on fire. I'll buy him a new science wing. And bibbity-bobbity-boo! Everybody's happy!

JACK: Karen, don't leave me alone!

KAREN: [ENTERING THE OFFICE] See you soon, McFairyland!

JACK: I can't do this.

[THREE KIDS ENTER THE HALLWAY. JOHN IS CHASING TODD AND CURTIS, WHO HAVE HIS BACKPACK.]

JOHN: Gimme my backpack!

TODD: I don't have it.

JOHN: Come on, give it!

CURTIS: Nyah, nyah, nyah!

JOHN: Come on, please?

TODD: No. This one's better for you. [THROWS KAREN'S PURSE TO JOHN] You can put your makeup in it.

JACK: Hey, hey, hey! Give him his backpack! The purse is mine! [GRABS THE PURSE] This macho bully schoolyard crap is so 1983 I could vomit. Now, scram! [HISSES. THEY RUN.] What's with that hair?

JOHN: [TO JACK] You know, you didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself.

JACK: Oh, I'm sure. I just don't like anyone playing with my purse. Hi, I'm Jack.

JOHN: I'm John.

JACK: Nice to meet you, John. So, what was that all about?

JOHN: Todd and Curtis don't like me.

JACK: Yeah, well, let me tell you a little something about Todd and Curtis, ok? When they grow up, they're gonna be bloated has-beens, with bad shoes and bad marriages. Does that help you?

JOHN: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're still gonna try and take my backpack.

JACK: Ok, in that case: pull hair, kick them any place that's soft, and run like hell.

JOHN: I just wish I was better at dodge ball. Then this never would have happened.

JACK: Dodge ball? Who cares about dodge ball? You ever see that on a résumé? "Special skills: Dodge ball." That's about as useful as American history. Besides, there's gotta be other things you're good at, right?

JOHN: Well, I just wrote a play for drama class.

JACK: You're a playwright? I'm a playwright!

JOHN: I wrote a one-man show.

JACK: Shut up! I wrote a one-man show! What's it about?

JOHN: I guess it's about me. [HANDS JACK HIS MANUSCRIPT]

JACK: Well, it doesn't have a title yet.

JOHN: Well, I was thinking maybe... John's Life, or John's Play, or maybe only John.

JACK: [GASPS] Ever thought about Just John!?

JOHN: Just John?

JACK: No, it's more-- No jazz hands-- It's... Just John!

JOHN: Just John!

JACK: Well, it's more from here, and there's a pop: Just John!

JOHN: Just John!

JACK: Yes!

JOHN: Fabulous!

[JACK CLAPS]