Subject: one-liners >One Liners >1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? >Ask your mother. > >2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? >Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. > >3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? >A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with >everybody at the party except you. > >4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? >Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. > >5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? >A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. > >6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? >The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of >driving. > >7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? >No one to talk to during orgasm. > >8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? >A mechanic. > >9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? >The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. > >10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? >She is the one who can eat the last donut. > >11) Jewish dilemma: >Free PORK. > >12) The three words most hated by men during sex: >"Are you in?" > >13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: >"Honey, I'm home!" > >14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? >Pissing in the bath water is disgusting. > >15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? >When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went > >LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX > >Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him >sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in >preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his >full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. >Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" >His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." >To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, f**k him?" > >============================= >LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE VAGINA > >Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, >so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, >"Johnny, this is where you come from." >Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his >friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held >his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being >a turd." >======================= >LITTLE JOHNNY, THE SMART ASS > >A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny >answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. >The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" >Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the f**k do you >think?" >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. >Why?" asks the father. >"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" >"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" >"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father. >"That's what I said!" >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Multi-syllable Word >Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, Today we are Going >to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a >multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, >me!' >Miss Rogers: All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word? >Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' >Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' >Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy,Can little >girls have babies?" >"No," said his Mom, "of course not." >Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his >friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Going To The Bathroom > >Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to >go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" >The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in >this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use >the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." >Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight too, but if you >had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!" >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of >hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the say sentence >twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father >bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very >good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My >mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. >"Excellent, Michael! Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. >"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was >pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just f**king beautiful!'"