Boxscores

Game 1 (vs. Gille's Pie)

Fourskins 38
Gille's Pie 32

Lucky Duck Foot: Couch
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Bjeer Can

Game Story

30 seconds left, down by 1 and the whole field in front of them. The Fourskins looked like losers in their first game. The huddle was tense, with 5 players whispering to each other about how worried they were about losing this game. One man stood tall, Tim Couchman. He bitch slapped each one of them and yelled, "Get ahold of yourselves, this game isn't over!" No one believed him, but they went on. Couchman threaded the needle on several passes to get the 'Skins to the 5 yard line. The clock was stopped at 4 seconds. In the huddle, a certain clown said that the middle had been open for the whole drive. Couchman sent 2 receivers over the middle, but he knew they were just a decoy. Cullen Garrity ran an out pattern on the left side of the field and Couchman hit him with a perfect pass right at the sideline. The crowd froze as they waited for the call from the referee. Both fans started booing when he called it a touchdown. The play looked a lot like the Joe Montana/Dwight Clark play also known as "The Catch." The Fourskins had completed the greatest fourth quarter comeback of all time, thanks to the leadership of their quarterback, who some say looks like John Elway in a Fourskins jersey.

OTHER NEWS:

*GOON PICKS UP WHERE HE LEFT OFF BY GETTING TOASTED BY BEN BRUN LOOK-A-LIKE.
*BJERKE HAS SANDY VAG.
*DMITRIUS UNDERWIESE IS A NO-SHOW.
*INNOCENT BYSTANDER DRILLED IN THE MUG BEFORE GAME AND BREAKS GLASSES.
*JJ TAKES BALL TO GROIN IN PREGAME WARMPUS.
*MEISSNER NAMED WORST CAPTAIN IN HISTORY OF THE LEAGUE.

Game 2 (vs. A Bunch of Chodes)

Fourskins 21
Chodes 24

Lucky Duck Foot: Trickmaster T
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Gargoyle

Game Story

Attention Steelers, Seahawks and Saints fans, Phil Luckett has been spotted in a touch football league in St. Paul. The guy who always seems to be around blown calls, was involved in another questionable play. On 4th and a yard, Luckett got in the way of a pass which was clearly uncatchable by a member of the Chodes. This play resulted in a "do over," which is something I haven't seen since I was in 1st grade. I propose a rule change. Instead of a do over on situations like this, I think we should award the offensive team a first down, 7 points, a share of the league championship and round trip tickets to anywhere in the 50 states. This would have clearly been more fair than just a do over for the Chodes, who went on to score a touchdown and won the game by 3 points. There is a rumor going around that the Chodes have won championships. If that is the case, the Fourskins should walk through this league, because these Chodes were a horrible group of players. Osama Bin Bitchin' was the most worthless player in farmer gloves I've ever seen. The rest of the Chodes were just cocky little pricks.

OTHER NEWS:

*WENGERT WINS ANKLE SPRAINING CONTEST, MISSES GAME.
*COUCH/ELWAY COMPARISONS STOP SUDDENLY.
*DANKERS' BANK CARD NUMBERS AVAILABLE FOR ANYONE WHO NEEDS A PSYCHIC.
*LOGAN ENDS HOLDOUT, PLAYS FIRST GAME.
*GORMAN, CONFUSED WITHOUT HIS PERSONAL COACH, ORDERS STEAK & POTATO SOUP AT PLUMS.
*TOTUSHEK ORDERS MEDIUM JERSEY.
*KEYSHAWN DANKERS SAYS "JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN BALL," CATCHES 1 POINT CONVERSION.
*TEAM-WIDE EMAILS ANGER PLAYERS.
*PEARSON BEATS MEISSNER 3-1 IN FOOTBALL DROP-A-THON.
*BJERKE MOVES TO MORRIS TO BE WITH WIRKA'S GIRLFRIEND, QUITS FOURSKINS.
*COACH WIRKA, TRYING TO GET HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK FROM BJERKE, MISSES 2ND STRAIGHT GAME.
*UNDERWIESE LAST SEEN WITH BISON DELE'S BROTHER.

Game 3 (vs. No Shows)

Fourskins 14
No Shows 0

Lucky Duck Foot: Everyone Who Showed Up
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Rick Reed

Game Story

The Skins won the third game, 14-0, tossing their first shutout of the young season. Although they only scored 14 points, many players were happy with the team's improvement. "We had everyone doing what it took to win that game," Jeff Wagner said, "And it didn't hurt that the other team failed to show up."

OTHER NEWS:

*PEARSON, MEISSNER AND GORMAN ALL COME THROUGH WITH THEIR BEST PERFORMANCES OF THE SEASON.
*UNDERWIESE IS ALIVE!!!
*WENGERT CAN WALK AGAIN.
*BJERKE STILL SUCKS.
*GORMAN TRIES OUT FOR "MAKE 7" SQUAD, GETS CUT.
*RICK REED CONTINUES TO GIVE UP 0-2 GOPHER BALLS.

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Game 4 (vs. The Hobos)

Fourskins 20
Hobos 20

Lucky Duck Foot: Showbiz
Light 'Em Up Pepper: 2 J's and a Microphone/Wingy

Game Story

The Fourskins proved once again that they have an uncanny ability to play down to the skill level of their opponents. In a game that they should have easily won, they came out with a tie. In the words of legendary Jim Mora: "We couldn't do DIDDLY POO offensively, we couldn't get a first down, we couldn't run the ball, we didn't try to run the ball, we couldn't complete a pass. We sucked. In the second half we sucked. The coaches did a horrible job, the players did a horrible job. It sucked and i'm totally embarrassed and totally ashamed to be associated with this team." The fact that they tied overshadowed a few very good individual performances by Showbiz Gorman and Bjeer Can.

OTHER NEWS:

*THE BITCH IS BACK. BJERKE REJOINS TEAM, COMES UP WITH HUGE INTERCEPTION.
*PEARSON CONTINUES EARLY GAME STRUGGLES, GETS BURNT EARLY, THEN PLAYS SOLID.
*COUCHMAN CONTINUES HIS DOWNWARD SPIRAL, NOW COMPARED TO TODD MARINOVICH.
*PEARSON, THANKS TO MEA, GETS HAMMERED AT PLUMS.
*DOUVIER BITES ON COUCHMAN'S HARD COUNT, JUMPS OFFSIDES.
*WIESE AND WENGERT BATTLE TO A 1-1 TIE IN THE DROP-A-THON FOR THE WEEK.
*MEISSNER'S NEW CLEATS DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT HE'S A HORRIBLE PLAYER.
*GORMAN COMES THROUGH WITH HIS "JUMP RUSH," GETS 3 SACKS.
*WENGERT & JANSKI FORGET THAT IT'S 2 HAND TOUCH & INSTEAD PLAY "SMEAR THE QUEER."


SCORING
Couch touchdown pass to Twidder Bater (Couch pass to Stick for 1 point conversion)
Couch touchdown pass to Gargoyle (Conversion Failed)
Couch touchdown pass to Bubble Butt (Couch pass to Dank Sack for 1 point conversion)

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Game 5 (vs. Team Matt K)

Fourskins 28
Team Matt K 33

Lucky Duck Foot: Couch
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Bubble Butt

Game Story

They once again found a way to lose. After falling behind 13-0 after only a couple plays, the Fourskins did a good job coming back and actually had the lead late in the 2nd half. Then the offense started turning the ball over and the defense couldn't stop anyone.

OTHER NEWS:

*DOUVIER FILLS IN FOR PEARSON, GETS BURNT FOR TD ON FIRST PLAY.
*WEISE PLAYS QB FOR FIRST TIME, HAS COUCHMAN-LIKE 4 PICKS.
*COUCHMAN PUMP FAKES 20 YARDS DOWNFIELD AFTER A CATCH, FINED $10,000 BY LEAGUE.
*MEISSNER, WENGERT HAVE COME UP WITH INTERCEPTIONS TIE FOR TEAM LEAD.
*BJERKE COCKS OFF ALL GAME, ANNOYS OPPONENTS AND TEAMMATES.
*GORMAN INEFFECTIVE AGAINST HUGE "TEAM MATT K" OFFENSIVE LINE.
*BJERKE OPTS TO HANG OUT WITH UNDERWEAR BROTHER INSTEAD OF TEAM.
*COACH WIRKA SHOWS UP FOR FIRST GAME, UPSET WITH LACK OF SKILL.
*FOURSKINS ALREADY LOOKING AHEAD TO BOWLING LEAGUE.


SCORING
Stick touchdown pass to Bubble Butt (Conversion Failed)
Stick touchdown pass to Twidder Bater (Couch pass to Dank Sack for 2 point conversion)
Stick touchdown pass to Gargoyle (Conversion Failed)
Couch touchdown pass to Dank Sack (Stick pass to Couch for 2 point conversion)
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Game 6 (vs. Idiot Pods)

Fourskins 33
Idiot Pods 27

Lucky Duck Foot: Bjeer Can
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Wingy

Game Story

It was a tale of two halves. For the first half the Fourskins looked like the 1998 Vikings, they took a 33-6 lead going into halftime. The second half was a completely different game, as the Idiot Pods scored 20 unanswered points and made the Fourskins look like the bumbling jackasses that are known as the 2002 Vikings. The Fourskins had 5 interceptions, all in the first half. All interceptions thrown by Fourskins quarterbacks were thrown in the 2nd half. Although the 'Skins scored 33 points, their offense has been terrible all year. 2 touchdowns in this game came from the defense. Couchman and Wiese have looked like Culpepper and Brister and the receivers have had a case of the Jake Reed "drops." They combined for 8 dropped passes in this game. It wasn't all their fault though, Coach Wirka and Mr. Logan came up with the bright idea to have the offense and defense switch sides for the 2nd half. Neither side knew what the hell they were doing and it came down to the last drive as the Idiot Pods ran out of time at midfield.

OTHER NEWS:

*FOURSKINS NARROWLY AVOID BIGGEST 2ND HALF COMEBACK IN CSC SPORTS HISTORY.
*UNNAMED PLAYER ON FOURSKINS CLAIMS THAT BARRY BONDS IS NOT ON STERIODS.
*MEISSNER HIT IN THE EAR WITH TOTUSHEK PASS BEFORE THE GAME THEN DROPS FIRST PASS THROWN HIS WAY.
*TOTUSHEK AND LOGAN LEAD THE "DROP PARADE" WITH 2 EACH.
*WENGERT TAKES PEARSON'S PLACE FOR THE GAME, GETS TOASTED RIGHT AWAY.
*FOURSKINS INTERCEPT 5 PASSES, 2 BY BJERKE, 1 EACH BY JANSKI, MEISSNER AND WENGERT.
*GARRITY PISSES OFF REF.
*COACH WIRKA FINES HIMSELF $10,000 FOR ONLY PUTTING 5 MEN ON DEFENSE FOR ONE DRIVE.
*DOUVIER MORE THAN FILLS IN FOR GORMAN COMES THROUGH WITH 2 SACKS ON SCHLEPPE QUARTERBACK.
*COUCHMAN STRUGGLES WITH BACK OF ENDZONE AGAIN.
*DOES ANYONE KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF JEFF WAGNER?
*WIRKA SHOWS OFF STONE HANDS IN PREGAME WARMUPS.
*FOURSKINS REALIZE THEY ARE NOT GOOD.
*OVERRATED FOURSKINS LIMP INTO PLAYOFFS.


SCORING
Couch touchdown run (Couch pass to Twidder Bater for 1 point conversion)
Couch touchdown pass to Twidder Bater (Conversion Failed)
Gargoyle interception return for touchdown (Couch pass to Trickmaster T for 2 point conversion)
Bjeer Can interception return for touchdown (Conversion Failed)
Stick touchdown pass to Gargoyle (Conversion Failed)
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Game 7 (vs. Team Should've Been Gone)

Fourskins 21
Team Should've Been Gone 29

Lucky Duck Foot: Wingy
Light 'Em Up Pepper: Twidder Bater

Game Story

This game was doomed from the start. Adam Totushek, the Randy Moss "Play when I want to" star of the Fourskins, was held out of the game with a sprained vag. The game started out with Eric "Showbiz" Gorman sporting a new hairdo. His "Predator" dredlocks frightened the opposing quarterback into 5 interceptions, 2 of which were tipped passes by Gorman's greasy hair. Chris "Wingy" Wengert came up with 4 of those interceptions and David "Bjeer Can" Bjerke had 1 on a horribly underthrown ball. A terrible end to a terrible season. The only way it would have been a more fitting ending is if Daunte Couchpepper would have thrown an interception on the last play of the game.

OTHER NEWS:

*WENGERT SETS FOURSKIN RECORD WITH 4 INTERCEPTIONS, LATER NAMED TEAM MVP.
*FOURSKINS LEAD THE LEAGUE IN TURNOVERS AND TURNOVERS CREATED, LEAVING THEM EVEN FOR THE YEAR.
*WIRKA FINISHES 3RD IN COACH OF THE YEAR BALLOTING BEHIND MATT K AND ART HOWE.
*WAGNER FINALLY SHOWS UP, BRINGS WRONG JERSEY, SITS OUT.
*HIGHLAND PARK BOYS CHOOSE NOT TO SIT WITH MORRIS BOYS AT PLUMS, MAY TEST FREE AGENT MARKET.
*WIESE ROLLS THE DICE BY SKIPPING LAST GAME TO GO TO VEGAS, COMES UP A WINNER.
*FOURSKINS FINISH THE YEAR AS THE 500est TEAM IN THE LEAGUE AT 3-3-1.
*PLUMS WANTS A REFUND.
*BJERKE'S MOM SUES FOURSKINS BECAUSE HER SON DAVID WAS NOT NAMED MVP, DEMANDS WENGERT HANDS OVER THE TROPHY.


SCORING
Couch touchdown pass to Bubble Butt (Couch pass to Twidder Bater for 1 point Conversion)
Couch touchdown pass to Twidder Bater (Conversion failed)
Couch touchdown pass to Gargoyle (Couch pass to Gargoyle for 2 point conversion)
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