SURVIVOR
CHRISTOPHER KIRKPATRICK
Nickname: Chris, Monkey-face,
Monkey-boy
Age: 39
Work: Member of 'NSync... just barely though.
Most valuable asset: Umm... none?
Least valuable asset: Pretty much everything.
Special thing: A rubber chicken.
Purpose on the show: To give the audience
somebody new to hate.
Quote on why to be in the show: "Do you
want to hear another one? What do you mean no? Of course you do!
Why did..."
Chances of survival: About as good as his jokes.
Team: South.
EPISODE 4
*stupid music*
*camera shows team South's camp, everything is soaking wet*
Christina: Is this really necessary? *looks at Brian*
Brian: Yes. *keeps packing*
Christina: Can't it wait, just till the rain stops? Please?
Brian: *puts Tyke in his backpack too* I'm done, are you?
Christina: Briiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaan...
Brian: Please START PACKING YOUR BACKPACK!
Christina: *whiny voice* I don't want to.
Brian: Well, if you want to stay here all by yourself, which is fine by me. It will be such a relief to get rid of you.
Christina: Hey *confused* I thought we were going to stay in the same team?
Brian: Not if you won't start packing.
Christina: *sighs* *starts packing*
Brian: *starts reading the bible*
*camera shows how the rain is poring down outside*
*camera shows team East, also soaking wet*
Britney: *pouting*
Joey: *crying* I'm hungry...
Britney: Me too you know. *sighs*
Joey: I actually wanna go home...
Britney: I like miss Chad *pouts*
Joey: *looks at her* What? I'm actually not man enough for you?
Britney: It's not like that you know Joey. It's just, you know, we're not like related you know. It's not like the same thing you know.
Joey: *snorts* But Justin is fine.
Britney: *dreamy look* Yeah...
Joey: So what's wrong with me then, huh?
Britney: You're not like related to like me you know!
Joey: And Justin actually is??
Britney: Yeah you know. He's like my cousin too.
Joey: He is? *sits down* Wow... I guess I should have known. Actually, I thought about it a couple of times, but... *looks around* I'm hungry *cries*
*camera goes into a blur*
A.J: Today we are going to put the four teams into two.
*camera shows the 8 remaining contestants sitting on two benches*
A.J: Due to the rain we had some trouble getting the surprises here, but then it all cleared up and they are here, safe.
*camera shows the beautiful sky, the palm trees and some hermit crabs*
Kevin: *raises hand*
A.J: Yes?
Kevin: Can... I... say... something... really... quick? It's... important... so... I'll... make... it... fast.
A.J: *sighs* Okay, go ahead.
Kevin: Someone... stole... our... hen... this... morning.
Joey: *looks awfully guilty*
Kevin: I... don't... know... who... but... we... want... it... back... since... we... were... planning... to... eat... it... after... a... while. I... am... not... going... to... be... redundant... but... it... was... gone... this... morning... and... it... was... our... price, the... hen... that... is, and... we... would... like... it... back. Nick... and... me... want... our... hen... back... soon.
A.J: Okay Kevin, that's a very sad story. Now let me tell you who are going to be in which team.
*Majority of the contestants prays for a miracle*
A.J: Team North and South are going to become team North, while East and West are going to be South from now on!
Sara: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Brian: Thank you God! Thank you!
Kevin: So... Nick... and... I... would... like... it... if... whoever... took... our... hen... would... return... it... very... soon.
Joey: We'll get food!
Britney: Like... huh?
J.C: *to Sara* I'm still getting the pills, right?
Sara: *crying*
A.J: I see you're all very happy.
Kevin: We... want... that... hen... back...
A.J: Yes Kevin, very interesting. Now, I said we had a couple of surprises.
J.C: *praying that it will be drugs for him*
Joey: *praying that it will be food for him*
Sara: *praying that it will be something sharp enough to kill everyone with*
Kevin: *still thinking about the hen*
A.J: *wishing he were somewhere else* And it's two new contestants!
Sara: What????? *looks up*
A.J: Beth is back, and...
*drum role*
A.J: Chris Kirkpatrick of 'NSync! Beth is giong to be in team North and Chris in South!
Sara: *hysterical crying*
Chris: I brought this! *holds up a rubber chicken*
Kevin: Is... that... our... hen? If... that... is... Nick... and... my... hen... I... will... get... very... mad.
*camera zooms in Kevin*
A.J: *clears throat*
*camera shows all the contestants again*
Nick: *confused*
Joey: Beth is back? *happy*
Britney: Beth is like back? *irritated*
Christina: She's back? *mad*
Sara: *still crying*
A.J: I see everyone is happy, so I can go back to the hotel. Thank god.
*camera goes into a blur*
A.J: Alright, fourth competition, a steeplechase.
*camera shows the obstacles*
A.J: First our contestants, three of each team, are going to run through rubber decks, then climb up this wall... it's not that high, just one and a half meter high, even Brian is taller!
Brian: *mutters something in the background*
A.J: You too Chris!
Chris: *tied up and gagged, and held by Joey*
A.J: Then, you are going to take this rope *points at rope* and swing over this water, or land in it if preferred, then you have 15 meters to run till you get to this. *points at a thick rope strapped a couple of inches over the ground to two poles* You're going to walk over it, holding on to the rope above, since we're assuming you don't have that great balance *looks at Nick*
Nick: *too busy focusing on his task to notice A.J.*
A.J: After that you got some loose timber to walk across, then another 15 meters to the finish line. First team with all contestants over the finish line wins.
*camera shows the teams*
A.J: Competing for team North is Beth, Nick and Christina. And competing for South is Chris, Britney and Sara. Even though there was someone *looks at J.C.* who tries to avoid this, it IS her time to be in a contest. I'm sorry.
Sara: *mutters* Oh, you'll be sorry... *grabs Chris' hair* *hisses something in his ear*
Chris: *turns white* *nods*
Sara: *ungags him* And remember, you do all the work...
Chris: Or you'll kill me in a...
Sara: *slaps Chris* Stop joking like that! *smiles nervously into the camera* You didn't hear that, did you?
Chris: *still looks like he's gonna shit his pants*
J.C: *walks over to Chris and starts whispering things into his ear*
Chris: *gets even more paler (now he's around the same nice tan Lance got)* *nods*
J.C: Good. *unties Chris* Now focus on your task, okay?
Chris: I swear.
A.J: Contestants can get ready.
*the teams get ready*
*start signal goes*
Beth, Nick, Chris, Britney and Christina: *hurries forward the first obstacle*
Sara: *slowly walks after them, obviously not too happy about being forced to actually do something else than Nick or sit and cry in the shadow of a palm tree*
*camera shows the whole spectacle*
*trouble appears as soon as the contestants reach the one and a half-meter high wall*
Britney: Help! *jumps* I can't like reach you know! *fights to keep her mini skirt from showing everything (cause at the moment there's a little part of her butt that is actually covered)*
Sara: *looks at wall* *looks at A.J.* Can I walk around instead?
A.J: No, you can't, sorry.
Sara: *mutters* Another addition to my Will Die List...
Beth: Nick! Help! *reaches for Nick*
Nick: *helps Beth over the wall, and then drags Christina over too*
Chris: *far ahead already*
Sara: CHRIS! Get over here right now! I'm not climbing this wall!!
Chris: *stops* *looks at J.C.*
J.C: *evil look*
Chris: *turns around immediately*
Britney: *still jumping, trying to somehow get over the wall, which she's just a couple of inches taller than*
Sara: *stands in the shadow while waiting for Chris to come and help her*
Nick: *reaches the loose timber*
Beth: *lands in the water* *curses* My hair!!!!! *cries* *realizes that Nick is way ahead of her* *stops crying* *gets up and hurries towards next obstacle*
Christina: *tries to swing over the water but looses her grip of the rope* *falls into the water* *screams really, really, really high*
Everyone else there (except Britney and Chris, who are used to themselves screaming like that): *covers their ears*
Christina: It's not FAIR! *finally gets up from the puddle and heads for next obstacle*
Chris: *hurries over to Sara and Britney*
Sara: *demanding tone* Help.
Chris: *sighs* *lifts Sara up and helps her climb over the wall*
Sara: *not exactly happy, but decides that it's better than to actually climb over the wall herself*
Chris: *climbs over the wall, again* Can't you at least swing over the water by yourself?
Sara: *looks at Chris, with an irritated look*
Chris: *picks Sara up, again, and carries her over the water*
Sara: *humming a little melody, while checking her nails*
Britney: *still by the wall, jumping*
A.J: *watching Britney, while ignoring the others*
Nick: *passes the finish line* Yes! I'm done!
Beth: *fighting the loose timber, which won't stop rolling under her*
Chris and Sara: *hurrying towards the ropes (actually Chris is still carrying Sara, she doesn't give a shit about the competition or anything else at the moment)*
Christina: *having troubles with the loose timber*
Beth: *passes the finish line*
Britney: *tries to pull herself over the wall but can't get a good grip* I can't do this! *looks at the others* I might like hurt my new boobs you know! They might you know break! They might be like popped by some nail you know or... *notices that majority of the cameras are showing her* Cause... um... boobs you know do that like all the time you know! Even real ones! Not only like silicon ones, like mine are... not... you know... ehhh... *has confused herself*
Christina: *passes the finish line* *crying* I don't want to be here anymore!!
Nick: *just noticing* Hey! Why is Chris carrying Sara? What's going on???
Brian: *weird noises*
Kevin: He... is... just... helping... her... with... the... competition. That's... why... he... is... carrying... her... at... the... moment... not... because... of... any... other... reason. She... refused... to... actually... do... anything... herself... so... he... had... to... help... her... that's... all. She's... not... having... an... affair... with... Chris... or... anything...
*by now everyone, even Britney who got help from Chris, who had to run the whole race over again, is over the finish line*
Nick: *only catches "having an affair with Chris"* *gets really, really mad* *punches Chris who falls to the ground immediately*
Sara: Thank you!
Nick: *confused*
Sara: *hugs Nick*
Nick: *happy (but still confused)*
*while Kevin is finishing his talk about what Chris was doing the camera shows A.J., for a change*
A.J: Okay, North won, obviously. Even though Christina had some problems with... well, all of the obstacles, they still made it. *sighs* *looks at the contestants*
*camera shows the contestants*
Britney, Christina and Beth: *talking about how horrible this contest was, even though they don't like each other* *some slapping and name calling occurs during this conversation*
Joey and J.C: *wrestles Chris down and ties him up again*
Chris: *cries for his freedom*
J.C: *gags Chris again*
Chris: *looks very unhappy*
Sara: *hugging and kissing Nick, thanking him over and over again*
Nick: *confused, but very happy*
A.J: And as I see you really care about what you've won. *sighs* North won a big surprise that's out in the forest! To tell you the truth, the one who finds it, gets it. Should be found in couples though *grins*
*nobody cares about A.J.*
A.J: Anyway, North will get some hints to this... surprise, but as I said, the one who finds it, gets to use it first.
J.C: Is it drugs???? *really, really hopeful*
A.J: No. Why would I waste my drugs on you?
J.C: *sighs* *turns to Sara* You're still getting me those pills, aren't you?
Sara: Yeah, yeah, whatever *ignores J.C.*
J.C: *nods*
Joey: *sighs* I'm hungry.
J.C: You already ate all the food we had in the camp!
Chris: *mumbles something in agreement*
Sara: *turns around* Yeah!
Britney: Like, exactly!
Joey: Well... I was actually that hungry! And hopefully you'll forgive me... right guys?
J.C., Chris, Sara and Britney: *gives Joey a pissed look*
Joey: Right? *tries to smile innocently (but fails, it comes off as a pervert smile instead)*
Everyone: *ignores Joey again*
*camera shows J.C. of South, nervously fiddling with his red shirt*
J.C: Chris came now. If that was good or not I don't know. I thought I was getting somewhere with Sara, but now... Well, she keeps Chris in order, which in itself is an accomplishment. Joey and Britney are my responsibilities I guess, but they do pretty much what I tell them to so that's good, not too unexpected either. Although Britney and Joey are busy every night. Sara ties Chris to a palm tree every night so he won't do anything stupid. If it hadn't been for my *looks around a bit nervous* ummm... old habits, I could have liked this. No one is forcing me to eat so that's good... Sara doesn't knee me like she used to do in the beginning when I try to make a move at her... which is good. And her pills are helping me, but she's... I don't know if it's me, but she's getting more and more aggressive... *looks around worried* She's been like that for a while now. She's starting to scare me. She made Justin cry before he left too... And Joey ate all our food. We got nothing left. She's really upset over that, and I don't know if it's true, but Joey said that she pushed him towards a snake. *looks around* I mean *starts fiddling with his shirt again* I'm sure it's just Joey hallucinating since he hasn't eaten as much as he usually do but... Sara is scaring me...
*camera goes into a blur*
*camera shows Chris of South, with a scared look on his face*
Chris: *looks around a bit nervous before looking at the camera* I'm not sure what to say... During the days Sara hits me when I do some stuff, like tell a joke. She pulls my hair too. And at night she ties me up to a tree and leaves me like that with spiders, snakes and teammates. Britney and Joey... they hurt me *fights the tears* Sara does that too but she only hits me... *sobs* I wish Lance was here so they could do it to him, as usual, and leave me alone. *opens mouth to say something more but it's cut out*
*camera shows Kevin of North*
Kevin: I... have... finally... made... a... man... out... of... Nick... with... a... little... help... from... Sara... of... course, I... explained... about... the... birds... and... the... bees... too. And... Sara... came... over... and... helped... with... the... rest. I... couldn't... do... that... so... she... did... it, she... was... actually... more... than... happy... to... help. Nick... was... a... bit... shocked... after... I'd... explained... but... *pauses* When... I... told... him... Sara... were... going... to... help... him... in... the... uh... other... areas... he... seemed... happy. When... she... found... out... about... that... I... planned... to... tell... him... she... offered... to... help. I... wish... we... could... trade... Christina... and... get... Sara. Although... Brian... is... kind... of... upset... about... how... they... are... evil... since. He's... my... cousin, I've... known... him... all... my... life. But... Sara... was... happy... to... help.
*snoring is heard somewhere in the background*
Kevin: *looks confused* ... *thinks* .... *looks at the cameraman* ... *thinks* ... *looks at the mike he got* ... *thinks* ... *looks at the camera* ... *thinks* ... *looks at the cameraman* ... *thinks* ... *looks around* ... *thinks* ... *lights up* I... got... my... own... show? Wassup!
A.J: *obviously bored* And here we are again, it's time for the voting. Someone in team South is going to be voted home and away from this island... *pauses for a second* Or maybe just for the camp, depending on who it is.
*camera shows the contestants*
Britney: *making sure you can see as much cleavage as possible*
J.C: *looking down at the ground, not uttering a word*
Chris: *quiet, looking at the ground, but at times at Sara with a scared look*
Brian: *reading the bible for Beth and Christina, to make sure that they understand that they should not have sex before marriage (again)*
Beth and Christina: *not really focusing on what Brian is saying*
Beth: *looks at Britney* *makes sure her cleavage shows too*
Kevin: *talking to Nick about something, as usual very slow and repeating everything*
Nick: *doing his best to understand what Kevin is saying, at times interrupting him and saying that he used a word that was too big*
Joey: *lays arm around Sara*
J.C. and Chris: *immediately looks at Sara, in fear*
Sara: *hisses (just barely hearable for anyone else than the contestants)* Move your arm or you know exactly what's going to happen.
Joey: *quickly moves his arm*
J.C., Chris and Joey: *corssing their legs and moving a bit away from Sara*
A.J: Hrm... that's nice *crossing his legs too*
Sara: *goes back to looking at everyone in her camp with her eyes full of hate*
A.J: Let's start the voting, shall we?
Contestants: *mumbling something in agreement*
Kevin: *keeps talking for a while, but nobody cares*
A.J: Team South, write who you want to leave your camp for good. *looks at Sara* Only one person.
Sara: *gives A.J. a pissed look* *sighs*
*stupid music plays for a while, while the camera shows all the contestants*
A.J: Okay. *takes the urn* Let's see who's going home. *picks up two notes* Oh, well that's okay. They say... Joey and... Joey.
Joey: Food? Please??
A.J: Joey got two votes. *picks up another note* And Sara got one.
Sara: *a little squek of happiness*
J.C: *a little squek of fear*
A.J: And... the fourth note says... Joey. And so does the last one. Joey.
*camera shows Joey, who is drooling over Beth's cleavage*
Beth: *giggles* *start twirling her hair*
A.J: Joey!
Joey: Huh? *looks at A.J.*
A.J: You're going home now.
Joey: Home? But... Can I take Beth with me?
Beth: *giggles*
A.J: No, she's staying.
Joey: Oh... *disappointed look* But... *shines up* There's food there, right?
A.J: Yes, I assume there is...
Joey: And... and *happy* babes?
A.J: Yes, that I know for a fact that there are.
Joey: Yay! *does a happy dance that threatens to break the bench while singing about going home*
Sara: *stands up* STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!
Joey: *stops singing and sits down* I'm sorry, please don't hurt me... *puts his arms up to counter a punch from Sara and closes his eyes*
Sara: Just shut up and go home.
Joey: *opens his eyes again* Thank you. *walks over to A.J.*
A.J: Okay Joey, you're going home now so...
Joey: Wait! Can I just say hi to my kids?
A.J: Ummm... sure...
Joey: *looks into the camera* Hi to Cindy, Tommy, Jason... *goes on for a half eternity* and Joseph Fatone the third. Daddy loves you all!
A.J: Hmm... now that you're saying it. *turns to the camera* Rachel, Anton, Christopher, Hanna, Valerie, Shannon, James *goes on for another half eternity* and all my 23 A.J. juniors, I love you! And your mommies!
*sigh is heard in the background, followed by a "are you two done soon?"*
A.J: Um, yes, that's it. Joey, you're going home, and the rest of you are going back to your camps, team South is one man short.
*camera shows the contestants who are getting up and gets ready to leave*
*camera shows team South, a couple of days before the voting*
J.C: HURRY UP!! YOU ARE GOING TO GET THIS CAMP DONE BY TONIGHT!!
*camera shows Joey and Britney working at the camp, as fast as they can*
*camera shows the tent, from where you can hear crying*
*to a palm tree, not too long away from the tent, is Chris, tied up and trying to get loose, without any success*
J.C: I said HURRY!
Joey: I'm hungry!
J.C: Don't make me have to come over there!
Joey: *whimpers* *goes back to working*
Britney: I like forgot how like, you know, demanding J.C. is you know... *stops* I BROKE A NAIL!!! *very upset*
J.C: Does it look like I care?!?
Britney: *sobs* *hesitates for a second before she goes back to working on the camp*
*camera shows Sara crying by the tent for a while, then goes back to Joey and Britney*
Britney: I can't believe he's like making me like, you know work you know when I've like broken a nail *rolls eyes* I don't like it here you know, I like want to you know go home.
Joey: I'm hungry... *sighs*
Britney: But you like ate that whole you know hen like all by yourself you know.
Joey: Actually that chicken wasn't much food either. *places hands on stomach* Look how thin I've become! I'm going to turn into... into... actually, I might turn into someone like J.C.!
Britney: A crackhead you know? *confused*
J.C: Are you two talking when you should be working?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Joey: No! *starts working again*
Britney: *holds up index finger* I like broke a nail!
J.C: I told you to work till the camp was done! Now do that!!
Britney: *really whiny voice* But my nail you know...
J.C: *evil look* Unless you start working right now I'm telling the world that you're not really a virgin!
Britney: *shrieks* *starts working again*
Joey: *working*
J.C: That's better.
Sara: *still crying*
Chris: *gagged and tied to the tree* *tries to get loose* *tries to talk but it only comes out as a mumble* *tries to get loose*
*camera shows the blue sky, the beautiful beach, the wonderful palm trees and of course, the hermit crabs*
*stupid music plays*