|
|
Who am I ... The more a person writes about himself, I guess, the more it appears that he is trying to defend his mistakes and misdeeds. I shall try to adhere to producing a very concise analysis of my nature (see I am already into useless wordiness!!!) So the first trait of my personality happens to be an inherent self-contradiction in the outward behaviour (noticed that in the previous para?). I might come up with completely opposite responses to the same external stimulus, depending upon my mood. I live my life in a Sine Curve, (and the guiding force for this peculiar behaviour I shall refrain from discussing here), so at times when I am the crest of the curve, I am VERY happy and cool, nothing bugs me and I take everything in a very happy-go-lucky manner, and I don’t mind anything at all. These are the days, when I do not take any offense and I don’t care for lectures or a C-grade in certain courses. This is the “K. G. self” that most of you are acquainted with. There is virtually nothing I fret about and actually nothing I regret about. And I love to live this life very much, although it is a spurious one, I must confess. ‘Coz there is this different face of my personality that surfaces when I am in the trough of the same sine curve. I guess, those of you who are not interested in the stupid aspect of me, or those who do not claim to be superb analysts of human behaviour or those who do not utilize the left part of the brain (like most of the IITians out here) while thinking -- need not go any further in to this posting … Now I am gonna deal with my nature in some laconic detail (oxymoron, DivG will claim!!!) … I generally (DigV, see I can sometimes use this word correctly!) feel a perpetual lull all around me (and that justifies why I am constantly searching for people to bullafy with) all the time when I am riding the negative portion of the sine curve (remember?). All I have ever cared for is nowhere in the existing world, only deep inside my cranium or someplace I sometimes stumble upon in my dreams. And I love to live in and I really live in dreams; ‘coz of all the things in this world, they are the only things that do not hurt you. I rarely did a thing out of my conscious decision that would turn my life into what it is right now (that I must confess is a stinking heap of Dino shit), it all happened on its own. Din’t try my best to avoid all the goof-ups that have plagued my life at regular intervals, but din’t even play a mute testimony. Things have been beyond my control most of the times. There was this biggest trough in my life (that I initially thought was a crest and that was my mistake that I am still paying for). I went into that trough against my will and I was thrown outta that chasm (again against my will). Both the situations were very painful. I do not complain about things that go against my will; simply that I feel so dejected and drooped during those days of nadir. I have tried to learn this (very good) quality from my best friend, not to waste time complaining about things that do not abide by you. I have got so many people (friends is what they boast of themselves as) around to laugh with me, to enjoy with me and to share my happy moments; but not one soul to console me when I break down into smithereens, that I must confess that I do very often. Few people have actually been able to understand that there is a stupid, sentimental and extremely tender “Sunny” inside this I-care-for-nothing dude “K. G.”. IIT K has transmogrified my personality, I dunno for better or for worse. Please, those who can not appreciate emotions do not go any further into this article. I do not want that when I come across my sweet wing-mates the next time, I feel embarrassed or that they feel awkward. In correct words, IIT K has guised me in the robes of a completely different person --- a new Kumar Gaurav self who proclaims: “I don’t give a damn to people and what they think about me”. In actuality, it is not this way at all. I love people and I love to love people and I want the same people to love me back (knowing very well that love should not be mutual, ideally speaking). But most of them are worthless bastards who would jabber sick words at your back, you are not sure of! So K. G. stands in between the pathological world and the always-so-vulnerable Sunny. The birth of this rogue K. G. was indispensable or the tender SunnyBoy would not have survived, "cyst" for a bacteria, you see. Sunny wants people to care about him; Sunny wants to be in the good books of everybody; Sunny wants to befriend everybody. But past the good old days of my boarding school, oops, this ‘everybody’ turned out to be a rotten lot of vagabonds, trying to find faults in you all the time, pointing fingers at each and every move that you plan to make. I never found a true friend after ****** ******* and Nimesh Chinoy (don’t worry, if you are unable to guess the former one or recognize the latter one) who understands me. Okey, that nobody is actually supposed to fully grasp the way any other person does his processing, but at least one can try to, or at least show that he is trying to (even if he is actually not doing anything even close to it) instead of going about hurting the next person even more severely. In retrospection, I myself never tried to make friends at all after my school days (sad that I am breaking some hearts, if at all I am). But the fault does not completely belong to me --- ‘coz I never went looking for these venomous adversaries who swarm around me all the time, trying to distract me with their stupidities, all the time thinking that they would succeed in changing my attitude or my way of living after I come to know about their comments and verdicts about me (actually against me!). Thinking all the time that they shall compel K. G. to strangle Sunny --- or force Sunny to shun K. G. (and then suffocate to death in absence of any canopy). I tend to get very incoherent when I get sentimental, please bear things with me, all you sweethearts at the receiving end of this garbage. Yeps, it is a fact that people’s behaviour can reinforce (or even murder) one’s personality. At this point of time, slight digression: if there is general consensus among Fraudigies for the contrary of whatever I have been jabbering, then there is a definite fault in me. A worthless bastard I am, I accept, and also that the processing that I do inside my ramshackle brain too is really very weird. Continuing the same old junk, if I did not find any best friend again, I console myself with this explanation that it is not my fault; it is other people’s loss. It is the fault of the people around that they could not derive the best relationship out of me. My illusion it may be. My baggage of illusions are another agent that keeps me happy all the time. I guess, it is so because I never disclose my real self before people (at all), my dual character, you see. A self-obsessed boy that I am, obsessed not with the K. G. self, but with the Sunny-sie. I can not tolerate one adulteration in the true Sunny personality. And in fact, I sorta hate K. G. and that is what you call a person who love-hates himself. And these mighty analysts of human nature brag all the time that K. G. is ambiguous, confused, and a fuzzy person. I think I know myself very well and I know my other self very well too --- only I have got no control over which of my two parts takes over the other when confronted with any new situation. And there are these fools all around who depend upon the limited capacity of their redundant sensory perceptions to condescendingly arrive upon conclusions --- that K. G. does not pay any heed to but Sunny does feel hurt when confronted with. I guess I have demonstrated the other characteristic of my nature quite clearly – I end up cooking spaghetti when I try to be genuine in expressing my true feelings, I end up throwing contradictory statements and then I force the listener into a more agitating confusion. I never learnt when and how to pour my heart properly and I have suffered because of this multiple number of times.
So I am coming back onto the track, let me try to make definitive statements about myself …
I must make a confession right here: I guess, I have read the postings made by each and every person in greater detail than anybody else (while in the process of processing the data for the wing-page) and I feel ashamed of myself, too bad. People have trusted so deeply in me all the time; and I must say, I am such a dishonest person, I am such a bastard. I shall try to be more genuine from the next time. Oops, there is nothing like “more” or “less” genuine, I meant to say that I shall try tip-hard to be “genuine” from the next time. And sweet wing-mates, please do not look at me with goring eyes after reading all this bullshit; whatever you people find offensive, forget it and forgive me again for all the absurdities that I have been into while typing this garbage-can. I thought I would never be getting a better platform than this to express whatever I had in these smithereens that are collectively called my heart (that is, if they could be collected and rejoined into one organ). And a humble entreat at the end, please do never cheat me or ignore me when I need you guys, I cherish and value friendship very earnestly and my wounds really take a lot of time to heal up: physical wounds as well as those anywhere else -- all kinds of wounds. And I have already had more than my share of pains, please try your best never to add anything to it. adios, Sunny. (This page has finally turned out to be exactly the contrary of what I never wanted in the beginning: All the time I was defending my misdeeds and mistakes!!! Contradiction, you see ...).
How Fraudigies looks at K. G. ... |
