10 Gallon Hats O’ Blood

A Novel by Tom Miller

CHAPTER 6

      "Grizzard!" The old lady shouted, "Git yore yugly mug up here and pour us some drinks." Reluctantly, Grizzard the Rip, his hands shaking, slowly rose from behind the bar and got a bottle and a couple of shot glasses. The old Whore Luella turned to Biggs and said, "We're gonna' have a drink-off to see who gits the first hit."

       "Fine by me, you stinky bitch." She poured two whiskeys and they each held their glasses up and then drank. "'Nother one!" said Grizzard with a dirty smile on his face. She poured two more.

       "When I get through drinkin' you down," she said, "I'm gonna' bust your face wide open and piss in the wound." They lifted their glasses.

       "Well, I'm gonna' grab that flappy thing hanging from yore neck and yank your neck off'n yore face." They drank again, and she poured two more.

      "I'll snap that ratty twig of yors off and stomp it up into the ground with my boot," she said.

      "Oh yeah? I'll wrap them flabby tits over your face and choke you to death with 'em." They drank. She poured.

      "When I git through with you," she said, "the only thing that's gonna' be twitchin' is your asshole."

      "I'm gonna' make a water horn out o' yer dried out twat," he replied. They drank again, and the alcohol was beginning to have an effect.

      "Listen to me, you ate-up piece o' butt. I'll put a goat in yer ass and pull it out chur mouth by the horns, you liver eatin' chunk o' dookie." She poured two more, spilling a little on the bar.

      "Oh, yeah?" Biggs replied, staggering slightly, "I'm gonna bag you in your own hole and throw you down the well and let the tadpoles pick at yor yeast." He drank.

      She drank. She poured. She drank again. He drank. She poured and they drank. He drank and then she drank. They were drinking. They were drunk. He had drunk and she had drunk and they were drunken.

      "Listen to me, you furry fuckin' dick suckin' gibberdee snicket..." But she didn't get much further than that when Biggs suddenly reached back with his giant fist and let it fly. He knocked out her last two teeth and she ate it hard, but she didn't go down. What she did was get sober. "You cheatin' baffdard fatbelly!" she said. "Now I'm gonna git you good." She reached back and then delivered an explosive blow to Biggs' wide chin and it blew up around her fist in a spray of gore. Biggs stumbled back and she pulled out her gun. "Now it's on!" she said. And here's one for your trouble. She fired the gun and took off an ear.

      "My ear! My ear!" Biggs shouted. He drew his pistol and fired back and the shot went through her mouth and out the back of her neck.

      "Oorps," she said. A blap of blood flew out of her mouth in a big round splat and landed on the floor next to Drunk Barney Gritchen who threw up on it. "Now you... oorps... made me... gak... angry." She fired another shot, striking Biggs' leg.

      "My leg!" he shouted. "My leg!" He dove for cover and got off another round which struck her in her left breast, but the bullet was stopped in the leather-like thickness.

      "You stack of shit!" she shouted. "You done shot me in the tit." She fired again and he fired. The two bullets collided in midair. People were crawling to get out of the bar. Several more shots rang out and then some of the people were dead. The rest came running out of the saloon in a panic.

      "There's a fight! There's a fight!" they shouted. Following behind them was Biggs, who took out the doors with his exit. He tumbled across the ground and took cover behind a horse parked at the storefront. It was Little Mo.

      Then, out came Whore Luella, seventy years old and sporting a smoking Remington aimed in the direction of Biggs. "I thee you there behind that horth." she spit through her shredded mouth. She aimed and fired several rounds, striking the horse in the side. The horse fell down and exposed Biggs and his pistol. He fired three times. One bullet struck Whore Luella harmlessly in her other tit. The second bullet killed Hector Luego, a gold miner from the Arizona badlands who had just discovered a large deposit in a riverbed, as well as a very fancy fish. He had cooked up this fish and found the taste to be subtle, yet bold. When he told his friend Edmond about the fish, his friend Edmond didn't believe him, at first. Then he tried the fish too, and it was really something special. So Edmond went off with all good intentions of starting a fancy fish restaurant, but died shortly thereafter of thirst in the hot dry desert. Of course, you now know of Edmonds fate. So no gold, no fish, and no future. This is the way of the West.

      The third bullet ricocheted off a small mouse and into Little Mo's brain. The horse survived. Biggs fired again, but the gun clicked harmlessly. He was out of bullets. Whore Luella began to laugh.

      "I have you now, Biggs. I had you once in the bedroom, and now I got you here in the dirt. You're goin' down." She walked toward him, raised her weapon, and fired.

      -CLICK-

      She was out, too. They looked at each other, and then they began to run at each other screaming death.

      "Kill you ahhh!" she said.

      "Bitch whore cunt soup..." he screamed. They collided and began to scrap. He grabbed a fist full of hair, scalp, and skin. She yanked out a couple of berries. He punched a hole in her chest. She stabbed her fingers into his eyes.

      "My eyes! My eyes!" He yelped. They rolled across the ground locked in bloody murder. He head-butted her in the face and caved it in. She bit out his throat and spit it into his eye holes. They were a tangle of unholy screaming horror. After a short time, they came to rest in a puddle of themselves, spent, battered, and all but dead.

      And gasping for his last breath, Biggs managed to say, "Whore Luella, are you there?"

      "Yeth," she replied, weakly.

      "I... gag... never met a woman like you. You're as tough as they come. I got nothin' but respect."

      "Yore a pretty good man yourself, Biggs, although that ain't the truth of your name. You sure know how to shoot a lady in the mouth."

      And then came the spirit into both of their souls; the spirit of love everlasting. There came a moment between them when all was peace and birds and violins.

      "I love you, Luella," Biggs said.

      "I love you too," Luella struggled to reply.

      And then they died.