put it in the hole

by
tom miller

introduction

in a small village just south of the mexican border, there lives an old man who combs his beard three times a day with a dirty fork. and sometimes when he combs his beard, roaches fall out. that is why i wrote this book. i hope you enjoy it.

about your cheese, sir

i must confess

about your cheese, sir

it tastes quite atrocious

what an insult to a cracker

to adorn it with such matter

if you ask if i'd like more cheese

i shall simply answer, no please

for your cheese is so repulsive

i'd not feed it to a blowfish

i confess about your cheese, sir

i'd not feed it to some bees, sir

i'd not feed your cheese to ants, sir

put your dick back in your pants, sir

Nasty Lady in the Alley Way

A bum named Fred Margolis was searching in the alley way for discarded bottles of wine that might have a little left in the bottom, when he stumbled upon a lady passed out by the garbage cans.

"Hey lady," Fred said. "Is you dead? Is you dead, lady?" But the lady did not respond. Fred looked around to be sure he wasn't being watched.

"Well," said Fred, "So long as this lady's dead, she won't mind too much if I eat her out fo' a little while."

Fred peeled back her dress exposing her dry scratchy yank, and he moved his face in and began to lick. Suddenly, a roach scurried out and into Fred's mouth. It began to dance around in his throat.

Fred reeled back, and then ejected an eight ounce serving of boiled peanuts.

The lady bolted upright with her eyes opened wide! She shouted, "Yeesach! Yeesach!" And then, she died.

Yeesach the Roach - Killed by drunk rapist - January 27, 2000

i don't know how to pick up girls

i saw her, there, at the end of the bar. her ears were so squeezable. cute little rabbit ears. wax-filled fuzzy nyum nyum ears.

nyum nyum nyum.

nyum nyum nyum nyum nyum.

but i was never good at picking up girls. i'd say something wrong; something out of line; something they couldn't understand.

i had to try. i had to. with those ears, those sexy froggy baby ears, and her left arm pit. what a pit. so alluring, that pit of hers.

pit pit pit pit.

Oh, pitty pitty pitty pit.

and god, how her toes came out of those sandals, like little pig babies playing in the mud. they wiggled as if calling me to give them my attention. glorious little pink piggy babies.

piggy piggy piggy baby.

piggy piggy baby.

pig pig pig pig piggy baby.

soooooeeeeee! sooooooeeeee!

i had failed so many times before. but maybe, if i used my charm, my tact, my sexuality, i could bag this porcupine.

i took a deep breath, the last sip of my martini, and i walked up to her with all the confidence i could muster...

and i said, "nyum nyum nyum nyum nyum pitty pitty pit pit pitty piggy piggy piggy piggy nyum nyum nyum sooooeeeeee! soooooeeeeee!"

she left.

perfect knows you not

not for you

not this time

not any

too beautiful

like a diamond

in lava

or sushi

to the dead

you'll never have it

for yourself

what you've always wanted

what you've always

dreamed about

what you've prayed for

though you don't believe

in anyone to pray to

you can't own

mars

stars

tables and chairs

one more

cigarette

or a breath

of fresh air

you can't

piss in the sink

or brush your hair

with a bone

because

what you want to own

will still be there

when you're long gone

accepting being alone

after awhile

it gets better

about the time

your face sags

and your teeth rot

when you're sick of

what you do but too

fixed in your ways

to do anything else

when your mind goes

and you tell the same story

over and over again

then it gets better

then it gets better

then it gets better

Golf

He had his clubs. Very expensive clubs. They were made of carbon reinforced titanium alloy. He had his balls; Topflights. And he was ready to learn the skill of golf.

The lessons were expensive. $3,000 per half hour. But that was to be expected. You don't get Gother Mielke for cheap.

Gother approached the student. He studied the student for some time before speaking, looking at his golf clubs, looking at his balls.

"Sissy clubs!" Gother shouted.

"Pardon me?" said Gomez Finkerstein. "These clubs cost me $3000. They're a signature edition."

"Those are clubs for men with a tiny penis!" Gother said, in his thick German accent. "You vill play vith dis!" Gother handed Gomez a tree branch.

"What's this?" asked Gomez.

"A stick!" replied Gother. "And dis est da ball you vill use!" Gother handed Gomez a rock.

"But my balls are Topflights. These are the best they make."

"NEIN!"

"But these balls are..."

"NEIN!"

"But..."

"NEIN!"

Gomez figured Gother must know what he's doing. After all, these lessons didn't come cheap. So he did as he was told and used the stick and the rock to tee off.

He hit the rock with the stick and the rock flew into the air landing about four feet away.

"This is impossible," protested Gomez.

"NEIN!" shouted Gother. "Observe as I demonstrate."

Gother set the rock back on the tee. He lined up his shot and swung at the rock with the stick.

He missed.

"That was a terrible shot," said Gomez.

"NEIN!" shouted Gother.

"You missed the whole freakin' rock!"

"NEIN!" shouted Gother.

"Why am I paying for this? It's a rip off, you stinking Nazi!"

Gother pulled out a pistol and shot Gomez several times in the head. Then, he reached into Gomez's mouth and pulled out a gold tooth.

serious

can't you tell

i'm serious

i asked her

and she laughed

laughed with her

face and eyes

laughed with her

teeth

i'm leaving

i said

this time it's

for real

laughed with her

tits and fingernails

laughed with her

pussy and horns

laughed because

she knew

as well as

i did

i wasn't going

anywhere

beers in the coffee shop

people smoke

and drink here

and have

conversations

about nothing

i guess

and a few

people

sit all alone

thinking about

having a

conversation

about nothing

i guess

and somebody says

i love you

but they don't

mean it

they only met

moments ago

two who had

just been

sitting alone

wishing they could

have a

conversation

about nothing

i guess

and now

they are having it

i finish my

last sip of beer

and order another

my dagger is dull, rusty and useless

this page says

i dare you

to write something

that will ever

matter to

anyone

and again

the page

has won

writer's block

look for the man

sitting at the back

of the coffee bar

writing his ass off

on a cheap

pad of paper

from the

quick mart

and when you

see him there

get out of his

way and

don't bother him

because he might

be failing another

poem

the best he's

ever failed

something so

god awful

he might

rather than

throw it away

keep it and

send it to the

magazines

and they might

print it in

the next issue

with a photo

of the artist

sitting at the back

of the coffee bar

writing his ass off

but the flash

explodes with light

and the man

looses his place

ends up accidentally

writing a winner

nobody will ever read

lonely road to the freeway

Started down this hot stretch of asphalt and moved through the thick day one foot after the other.

It all looks the same except once in awhile there's a pasture with a cow in it and a fence.

The cow looks at you like she knows more than you do, but she and I aren't going anywhere, are we.

heaven on earth

there is a

cold place

a place

where

everything

is in

decay

where

things move

always

from

here

to

there

and

back

again

a

dark

angry

no place

with

starvation and

regret

where

love is a

bird with

broken

wings

and

angels

hover

like flies

over piles

and piles

of shit

10 things to say to the one you love

1. i love you

2. i love you

3. i love you.

4. i love you. suck my dick.

5. i love you. suck my dick. do the dishes.

6. i love you. suck my dick. do the dishes.

7. suck my dick. do the dishes.

8. do the dishes.

9. do the fucking dishes.

10.

dead baby birds

when a bird comes home

to its nest of eggs

and all the eggs are gone

the mother bird don't

give a shit 'cause

her brain is as smart as a prawn

rats for pussy

pussy sees a rat

he reaches in the hole

he pulls the rat out of the hole

and kills it with his mouth

he kills the rat with pussy mouth

he kills the rat with pussy mouth

he kills the rat with pussy mouth

pussy hole

pussy hole

meditation #23-F-32R41

let me smoke

it is my freedom

a squirrel

jumps from

one tree to the next

sometimes

he'll miss and fall

we should pass a law

to protect

the squirrel from

his freedom

he'd be safer

in a cage

i like

marijuana and

cocaine

sometimes

i enjoy

throwing up

eating

a

big fat

piece of

pork

masturbating

3

times in a row

they'll stop it all

one day

no more squirrels

in trees

no more cigarettes

in bars

no more talking

in public

but i'll be dead

before then

3 a.m. - gainesville, florida - coffee shop closed

ash trays

with spit

clove butts

and gum

broken glass

a band of drunks

steaming with

musical afterglow

like freshly fucked

sheep on a

prison farm

last conversations

about getting laid

french films and

led zepplin

the vacuum

of silence

after the roaring

of lions

and

cold cruel

streets to

take me home

Home