It’s been a while and gradually, I’m learning to digest what has happened. Essentially, death is part of life. When my mother has passed away weeks ago, I can’t comprehend why humans exist so that they can die. Then I realized what my dad told me, we basically subsist on a temporary seat, and life on earth is inconsequential as what we have after death. Real happiness and gratification can only be gained on eternal verve, a life with our creator.

My mum has been diagnosed with diabetes several years ago. We had taken her to the hospital numerous times so we can, in the interim, extend her life. After that, she would be fine again. So goes the cycle. On November 25, 2002, she was on a drawback. She was asleep for quite a few hours and the following day, November 26, she was announced clinically dead by the doctor. Blood pressure was down to 20. Exactly no pulse. There was tension all over the place and we just prayed religiously. After couple of minutes, God has moved in our set- a miracle; she opened her eyes and immediately asked for water. We smiled at her, as if it was a welcoming gesture that she was physically back.

This was her story. When she was gone for a while, she had a journey in heaven. The place was grand and the gate was widely open. She entered, moved around the place but there was no one. Thinking if she was really on the right place, she heard a voice. God has sent her back, and told her that it wasn’t her time yet.

As she was telling us the story, we were just overwhelmed and just exclaimed, “Thank God.”

On January 11, 2005, the last of all confinements, doctors have suggested for a dialysis treatment. My mum said she would never need the treatment as God has provided her spare parts in heaven. God has enthused to her life again. She had a thanksgiving party in our house after the brief recovery. In bed, she was telling people on how good God is and was for her.

It was Saturday, March 05, I got a message from my sister that mum was looking for me. I went home with my friend, Pam, and brought her pansit- her favorite food. As I was feeding her, I noticed that she couldn’t breathe evenly. I whispered, “I love you,” and she started crying. She was only uttering my sis’ name since she already had memory loss. I just hugged her. My dad and I prayed that night. I went to sleep and woke up hearing my mum’s cry. She was in pain. The same morning that gave me confirmation that she was nearing her days already. It was through a dream. Or maybe it was just a dream as I convinced myself.

I went back to Makati, Tuesday, March 8 since I have work the following day. Ever since I went to Makati, I never stopped texting and calling them to check mum. Around 4am, Thursday, March 10, I decided to call the house. They told me that mum took Soya that morning. I felt good that somehow she digested something since she’s been asleep for hours. On the same day, from 1130 am to 1230 pm, my family and I have been texting each other. I was already on the downside when my sister texted me, “hinahabol na daw ni mommy ang hininga n’ya at may tumulo na daw na dugo sa bibig nya… go home na.” [mum is now catching her breath, and blood has already poured out from her mouth, please go home immediately].   I started crying. I was haggling with God to give her another chance. I don’t know what to do next. It seemed like the world has stopped for a while. I got a phone call from dad telling me that mum was no longer breathing. I asked him nervously, “what do you mean no longer breathing, is she dead?” My dad hopelessly answered, “I will still need to confirm, just go home now.”

I rushed home, having no idea whether mum was already dead or not. On my way, I’ve been receiving calls from our U.S relatives. I was telling myself, why are these people calling me. I didn’t answer the phone coz I don’t want them to validate my fear. As soon as I saw our gate, the helpers were cleaning our garage. Just reminded me that mum has left a word before she died --- she would like to have her wake in our garage. As I went inside, I asked them. Where is mum? They just looked at me. No one said a word. I vehemently repeated myself, “where is mum?”  They just told me, Mayveen, she’s happy now. I ran towards her room and saw her lifeless body in bed. I was shaking. I was crying out loud. I went to her, shook her body to wake up. But she can no longer hear. Her hands were cold. I was out of control. Shook her again, but nothing happened. They just embraced me.

As we were waiting for the ambulance to pick her body up, they told me to say goodbye to mum for the very last time. I kissed and hugged her. According to dad, tears flowed from my mum’s eyes when he held her in his arms. Then it brought a smile on her face.  It made me think of her more, stopped crying. Dad is right, how could we be so selfish, she’s in a better place now. 

No more insulin, no more meds, above all, no more pains.

Goodbye for now, mum. You will always be in our hearts.