Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.)
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one’s free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free.

Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
Chandler: Well you did pull his hair.
Monica: He took my snack!
Chandler: I’m not getting into this again!

Chandler: Y’know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine?
Monica: Of course! Joey wouldn’t let you have one?
Chandler: No. When it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict.

Monica: So I, I told Rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Well, how’d she take it?
Monica: Really well. Yeah. Surprisingly well. Yeah, she didn’t cry. She wasn’t angry or sad. (Sits down, slightly disgusted.)
Chandler: And you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry?
Monica: I mean, all I’m asking for is just a little emotion! Is that too much to ask after six years?! I mean what? Are-are-are Rachel and I not as close as you guys?! I mean do we not have as much fun?! Don’t I deserve a few tears?!! I mean we-we told Joey, he cried his eyes out!
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! It’s like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channie’s!!

Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really?! Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won’t work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, I’m gonna marry Chandler for the money and you’ll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. We’ll have Chandler’s money and Rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel’s drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I don’t want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.

(chandler walks in)Phoebe: Hey! Check it out! This is unbelievable! Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!
(We see Joey who has puffed up his cheeks and Chandler nonchalantly reaches down and pinches Joey’s nose shut. In a few seconds, Joey has to move because he’s now forced to actually hold his breath.)

Joey: Hey! (To Chandler) Dude, some guy just called for you.
Chandler: Who was it?
Joey: I don’t know! How about, "Thanks for taking the message." Jeez! (Exits.)

Phoebe: Umm, I’m trying to move that pencil. (There’s a pencil lying on the table.)
Rachel: This one? (Picks it up.)
Phoebe: It worked!

Joey: (reads it) Oh, I can’t believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? And it wouldn’t matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Chandler: I’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to (pauses) stop catching on fire.
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. I’m gonna go see my agent.
Chandler: Okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) …look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)

Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I don’t want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, I’m thinking I’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
Pheobe:What's going on?
(Chandler: Oh Joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!

Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
(Chandler steps away quickly.)
Chandler: Now, is that never talking about it again?!

Ross: Okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. But I just couldn’t face another failed marriage.
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?

(Pheobe Chandler and Monica are looking after the triplets)
Chandler: I just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. And y’know Mon, you can be in charge of diapering and I can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around…
Phoebe: That sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.

Chandler: Okay, I’m a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
[Time lapse, they have set up a little assembly line for diaper changes. Phoebe wipes, Chandler adds the powder, begrudgingly, and Monica puts the diaper on.]
Monica: This is so great! This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Phoebe: Yeah? (Checking the final diaper) Well this is not what I ordered.

Joey: Do you have any soap I can borrow to wash a car?
Monica: Oh yeah, I got soap and sponges and rags and Carnuba wax and polishing compound.
Chandler: You don’t even have a car!
Monica: I know. But umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so I washed it.
Chandler: And?
Monica: And six others.

Monica: Damnit! Y’know this whole time we were concentrating on watching the babies and, and no one was watching Chandler!(Chandler is choking on a toy.)

Rachel: All right look lady here is the deal, I came here for an annulment and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel: And thank you for your time. (makes a hasty retreat.)

Phoebe: Hurry! Monica’s gonna make you pack! She’s got jobs for everyone! Now, it’s too late for me, but save your selves! (The guys scramble for the door.)

Ross: Because, because I’ve got Ben.(he says this to try and get out of packing with Monica)
Monica: It’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. Where-where is he?
Chandler: He’s at a dinner party.
Monica: Is he really coming? Because I can see right into your apartment!
Ross: Of course he is! What, do you think I’d just use my son as-as an excuse? What kind of father do you think I am?
Monica: All right, sorry. (Goes back to Rachel’s room.)
Ross: (to the guys) I gotta go make a fake Ben.

Rachel: You know what else I’m not gonna miss? "I’m Monica. I wash the toilet 17 times a day. Even if people are on it!"

Monica: "Hi I’m Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I’d better wash it and shrink it!"

Chandler: OK, I'm officially unpacked. Thanks for helping me man. (Turns around and sees that Joey isn't there.) Joe? (Hears giggling coming from a box) Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh and look, there's still one box that I have to unpack. (Hears the giggling again)
Joey: (jumps out of the box) I Gotcha!!
Chandler: (pretending) Oh my God! You-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.

Chandler: Oh well you're the best. You come here to me.(reaches out for a hug)
Monica: All right, hold on okay? First thing's first. (Gets her cleaning gloves on) Okay, now did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked?

Chandler: (looking at his former room where Janie now lives the room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. Look, you’ve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) It’s spreading already.
Joey: (Looking around the room.) It is???
Chandler: (Picking up a pillow.) Yeah, is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch? Your little box to small to hold anything?
Joey: No. No. (With Big Eyes.) All right, you’re right. I’ll talk to her.
Chandler: Yes talk to her. Be a man.
Joey: I’m a man.
Chandler: Defend yourself.
Joey: (Grunting) Hmm. (Monica opens the front door and comes in.)
Monica: Chandler come on. We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
Chandler: Be right there sweetums. (Monica leaves. To Joey.) A totally different situation.

[Scene: Chandler’s and Monica’s apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table making potpourri sachets.] Monica: Now are drawers will smell nice and we didn’t waste these pantyhose. Chandler: Yes, God forbid we throw out old underwear. You-you know what? I’m going to go over to Joey’s.
Monica: Wait, we’re supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
Chandler: Yes, but I feel like I’ve really gotten in touch with my feminine side enough today. You know. In fact I think we’re two sachets away from becoming a lesbian couple.
Monica: You know what? This has been kind of a girlie day. You’re right, I’m sorry.
Chandler: Nah, Nah, it’s okay. I feel like I need to be in guy place. You know, do kind of like a man thing.
Monica: Yeah. Go over to Joey’s. Go over to Joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.
Chandler: You know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
Monica: When girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) I’m sorry. We do. We do. I don’t know why I said that.
[Scene: Joey and Janine’s apartment, Chandler walks in. Joey and Janine are knitting at the kitchen counter.]
Joey: Hey Chandler. Come on in. We’re knitting pot holders.
Chandler: No thanks, Josephine.
[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Chandler enters. Ross is putting on makeup.]
Chandler: Hey Ross, I was wondering if… Oh my God!! Where are all the men???

Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!
Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No!
Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough!

Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Rachel: Oh-oh, Pottery Barn! (Grabs the aforementioned catalog and holds the rest back out to Chandler.) You can throw the rest away.
Chandler: I’m not your garbage man. I’m your mailman.

Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
(Monica leaves the room)
Ross: It’s your joke.
Chandler: Is not.

Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: I’m not answering that.
Chandler: Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.

Fat Monica's Boyfriend: Bye-bye. (Gets up to leave.) Oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the Brazil nut. (Exits.)
Chandler: Was his question what’s more boring than him?

Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.

Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)
Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)

Ross: But, Elizabeth and I are-are both adults and so I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it.
Paul: I’ll call the university and tell them about your relationship and have you fired.
Ross: Ohh! A man with a plan!

Rachel: Really? Who would, who would you marry?
Phoebe: I don’t know, I don’t have anyone right now. Y’know?
Rachel: Oh Pheebs.
Phoebe: Don’t feel too sorry for me. At least my boyfriend isn’t gay.
Monica: Phoebe, that stuff is…
Phoebe: Don’t even get me started on yours!

Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I can’t figure this out! It’s so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or a—ah-ah! Paper cut!(holds his finger wincing)

Phoebe: Okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. Maybe you-maybe you do something different. Y’know? Maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? Or an engagement tiara? Or—ooh! An engagement Revolutionary War musket! (Picks one up from the display in the corner.

Chandler: Yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring I got goose bumps.
Phoebe: Maybe it was the guy.
Chandler: It was the ring!