Welcome to My Page on Depression and how it has affected my life 
 
 

On this Page, you will find such things as, How I deal with Depression, how to cope with it, how it can be treated, and a little bit into my life 

If you suffer with depression you are not a freak I promise! millions of people suffer with it

Well First off, I think I should tell you, in case you haven't read anything about me, I am an 18 year old Gay Male :o)

Depression, Does it really Exist?

For all intensive purposes YES depression does exist, I for one believe that it is a horrible thing to have to deal with on a daily basis.  Before I go too far, let me tell you what depression is okay?

Everyone, I do not care who you are, has suffered depression at one time or another, those feelings of being "blue" or "sad" happen to all of us, but doctors now days are to quick to jump the gun and prescribe prescription drugs to fight these "sad feelings."  We must realize that Depression in it self is when the "sad feelings" wont go away no matter how hard you try.  Sad feelings are when you break up with a guy/girl,  death, divorce, ect.  those are when the sad feelings come, and Im not saying that someone cant have severe depression from those examples, but most likely, you grieve and get on with your life.

How does one get depression?

Depression is not "contagious."  Depression develops over time, when one person endures such a trauma that the brain cant handle it, or when you are confused long enough *for the gay and lesbian people reading this page you know what I mean* you develop a form of depression.

beginning in my sixth grade school year, I was constantly harassed on the basis as I am overweight,
the principals shrugged it off as "kids tease each other," but then in seventh grade I had to sit gym out, and I begun the longest 4 year battle I have ever fought.  Almost on a daily basis I was verbally screamed at by the guy and some girls, tripped, hit, punched, food was thrown at me, pushed, pulled, smacked, spit on, pushed down stairs, clothes were stolen in gym class and put in the shower, and verbally abusive notes were coming my direction.

I think it all began when I broke my arm in seventh grade.  I was riding my bike, and had a nasty wipeout, and broke my arm, so I had to sit gym out....and guess where I got to sit during shower time?
right in the locker room! I wasn't aloud to go to the library or anything, I had to sit there day after day listening to the bull shit...it started off with simple name calling like "Faggot, Fudge packer, ect.." I could deal with this...atleast I thought I could, but I was wrong...then the pushing into lockers started *let me tell you that hurts!* I was almost forced to go to school everyday and put up with this kind of shit from 8 until 3:07 when the final bell rung.

It wasn't long before I really began to hate school, I hate the school so much, even to drive by it today I still get sick to my stomach.

In eighth grade, I broke my collar bone in a car accident, and once again had to sit gym out...guess where I got to sit?...I'm sure by now you can guess but if not, right in the locker room, and this time the harassment/torture/assault got a hell of a lot worse.  All or most of the guys were saying I was "looking" at them when they were showering *I probably would have if any of them were decent lol* the  abuse this year cranked up like 5 notches. this year, the spitting started, I was tripped almost on a daily basis, my papers were knocked out of my hands, in the middle of a crowded hallway, and the papers would fly everywhere, with people knocking into you, laughing at you, and no one trying to help, its a VERY frustrating, and not to mention being embarrassed almost everyday in front of my peers.

well to estimate about how many times I went to the office for help ...it would be somewhere around 500, I was there just about everyday :o( and no one EVER once helped me...

So far, I could deal with the depression that was developing, but it was a struggle...
there would be many days, I would come home bawling, or just so upset I wouldn't talk to anyone, I basically cried myself asleep as well...this is when I started to miss a lot of school and still making Honor Roll grades...I was a good student, and because I didn't play sports, or because my parents were not rich, or I was a total smart kid, the school never looked twice at me.

well ninth grade rolls around and now I am deathly afraid to go to school....I found ways around it, I would make fake vomit, I would skip school on a regular basis, I just plain knew how to get in and out of school all the while STILL getting Honor Roll grades :o) but this is the year I received the notes

here are some of the examples...the photos will be up eventually.

b. The note has a picture of a naked, overweight male, with a penis
protruding beneath a large stomach. The caption stated "Hey Tim. Do you
know who I am you piece of shit. I am Kirby Lee. I am going to beat your
ass if I see you after school. You had better watch your back. Have you
ever seen your dick? I guess not. PS: Try not to hit any more cars!"

c. The note stated, "Tim, will you go out with me? Please! I will fuck
you so hard you won't be able to walk. Let alone take a piss. If you want
me check this desk everyday. Love, Kris." There was a small box drawn on
the note with the caption. "B.J. yes please. If yes, check this box."

Those were just some of the ignorant notes I received.

In november I was involved in a serious sled riding injury, I was sledding down my back hill and hit a parked car. *now that takes skill you say* but I was on an inter tube and it had hit the ram and spun completely around lol.

well I had to be home for about 6 months, not even able to leave my house except to go to the Dr.'s ...I finally broke, and couldn't handle all the shit that was in my head anymore...so I started talking to my mom :) and she became my best friend :o) she would listen for hours while I talked about everything...she was so helpful I cant thank her enough....but soon the time came for my neck brace to come off *yayyy* so I once again returned to school *sigh* ...before I continue, I know some of you have questions on why did I keep going back?...well first off, my mom wouldn't let me quit then, we had no money for private schooling, my mother and father both worked, so I had no where else to go.  ok back to my story...I went back to school after I got my neck brace...hoping that everything would be peach keen...LOL...I do not know why I ever
thought that anything was getting better...well 2 weeks after I return to school I get thrown down a flight of stairs but unknown kids...they are unknown because I didn't see them *wish I had* but anyhoo...the one kid said to me "Faggots ain't aloud in our school, or town"
and the other kid said "you should have dies you fucking faggot"
*Keeping in mind this is just perceived sexual orientation, they didn't know for 100% certain that I was gay*

well needless to say I told my mom either get me the hell outta here or I would end up seriously killing someone...

so I went on home bound for the rest of the year, as I had done many times from 8th grade to the 10th.  At the end of august, I started getting seriously scared because school was approaching quickly, and I knew it...one night I said fuck life...a life like this isn't worth being alive...so I took over 100 and some pills to kill myself...obviously it didn't work or you wouldn't be reading my story huh?...well I called my best friend and told her what I did...I was rushed to the ER and they pumped my stomache...blah blah blah...im sure you want to hear about that....

well anyhow I went back to Titusville Area High School for about 3 weeks maybe if even that before I reminded my mom I was about to go psycho if I had to go there anymore...so I went back on home bound...now my grades were shitty as ever...I couldn't concentrate, and just the thought I was doing something for the school made me so sick...so I ended up failing the 10th grade...

Eleventh Grade

Eleventh Grade, I began at Oil City Area School Dist.. which is like 20 minutes from here.

Oh my...I was attending a new school with very few people I knew. for the first couple of weeks it was wonderful, I loved life again, it was like I was finally "free" if you will.  Then a couple of weeks later I discovered a discussion board where all the teens post messages, well me being new in school, I wanted to find out if they had any Gay Alliance groups.  So I made up my handle "KamilKidd", and posted a few messages now and then.  One day a girl who shall remain nameless contacted me about my "gay post."  I was way too excited so I replied and we got along so good...then one day we finally decided to meet at the school.  Well me being naive  talked to her for some time, and she spread the word around that I was gay to nearly the entire school :o(

....it didn't take long for the kids to associate who "KamilKidd" and Tim were.
It was like reliving everything that happened at Titusville..*sigh* once again the pushing, name calling, and assault had begun.  I went to the office here at Oil City School, and they were so kind *atleast I thought they were* well, they at least tried to help me out.

 One day in December or January, I cant quite remember I was walking out of lunch to call my mother who has been almost my entire support for all of this shit.  A kid who I will call Lucas, cornered me in the phone booth, and started with the obscenities, but this time, it was me who was surprised, because he thought I was writing letters to his girlfriend telling her I wanted her body of something *LOL this is kind of funny because remember I am gay, and have had notes written to me* well he is a lot taller, not to mention stonger!...well he was saying things like "you little pussy, you think you can write my girl letters and get away with it" I was cornered and scared out of my mind..

so I did what any person would do when they are scared and cornered...I looked for a way out, and being in a phone booth, usually there are no weapons in such places.  I frantically searched for something to use as a weapon to fend off my attackers, hehe well I very nicely asked him to let me out, that didn't work.  I once again said very nicely to let me out, he just laughed at me.  I said one last time, "let me out or else" and he didn't respond to kindly...he made a snide comment to his buddies who were also cornering me, "or else what? you little pussy"  well he asked for it, I reached up and grabbed the phone off the cradle and with a quick jerk of my hand hit him as hard as I could in the face with the phone *I broke it, at least that's what people told me* well he didn't like that too much, so he struck me in the side of my head, which sent me right into the phone, the corner caught my head, and I kinda passed out.  I was taken by ambulance to Titusville Area Hospital, where I was treated and released, but we both got a 2 week suspension.

I returned to Oil City school 2 weeks later, and the harassment kind of died down, so I let my guard down.
DUMB idea that was...the harassment came back 10 fold and I said to my self, I either got to get out of here or it will be another columbine.  I quit shortly after that.

Well that was my experience on school, and you all now know why I suffer with depression so horribly.
I cannot leave my own home with out constant fear of being beat up or verbally harassed, so I stay home where its safe, most of the time *unless I feel really bold and go out alone*

There are numerous way of fighting and coping the the battle of depression.

here are just a few ways I deal with living day to day

1. If you ever feel like you are not wanted by anyone, please call a friend, because you are with more than you actually know.  I know this because I overdosed on ALOT of pills, well I never really gave it a thought on how many people I would be hurting.  Your parents care about you even if they treat you like shit..deep down they care, your grandparents care, teachers, friends, other family, and if you feel no one else cares...I CARE! so please contact me, if you need someone to talk with?...someone to listen...someone to help ya out...just contact me please, because no matter if you are black, white, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, chinese, russian, canadian or what ever, no one needs to feel like your not cared for.  My contact info is all over my web site & also at the bottom of this page.

2. Medications...some people rave about them, some people don't.  Its all in the way your system handles the anti depression drugs. I personally cant stand taking them, I try so hard but then it makes me more depressed, relying on a pill to help make me happy.  If you are new to Anti depression drugs...they take A LOT OF TIME TO WORK. so hang in there ok?

3.  Write some poetry. *I know you are all thinking that wont work* but it does, writing poetry is an outlet for your feelings so go with it 

4. Take a walk, a hike, or a bike ride, or drive...it works, sometimes being out alone sometimes helps.

5.  MOVE, if you can, or go out of town for the weekend, that helps a great deal, being away from all the shit, believe me, because that's my favorite method.

Well that's basically have to say on depression but if you would like to know more about it check out  Who's at risk for depression and why?

Thank you for reading my page on depression and how it has affect my life.  If you would like to speak to me privately my Aol Instant Messenger name is KamilKidd, or Tim11246, and my ICQ number is 8234022,  my Pal Talk name is KamilKidd, and my E-mail address to get hold of me quickly is Tim11246@hotmail.com.

Please don't hesitate to contact me for any reason!