#Friends-of-irc Channel Classes

Profile of a Victim

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This page should not be taken as legal counsel , but only as recommendation from a collection of sources.

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What I wish I could tell you is that I have a highly organized class for you. The information is sparse and conflicting.

I thought of giving you a profile of one victim, but you must understand...we are all different, just as all the predators are different.

The problem with some of these topics is we are all learning here. Some of these issues have not been addressed adequately anywhere. We wants to focus on the cyber-side of the victim issue, but it's hard, when the real life issue is not well understood.

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Let's explore some common threads:

If you have read any information on rape, one thing you may have heard is the victim many times is made to feel it is her fault. She may feel it is her fault anyway regardless of outside influence. She or he...but I say she because that is the most common situation--female victim.

The most common thread among victims is that they feel guilty. Their self esteem has been sucked out of them by their situation, and indeed, by the predator.

Victims are all different, but many--the majority by some statistics--are very strong people. Mostly it's an emotional strength. Physical strength may or may not be relevant.

Another thread is that of codependency--such a buzzword nowadays. On the surface it sounds kind of innocuous...depending on each other sounds like a good thing, but it goes deeper than that. The victim gives up her own wants and needs, even her rights and individuality. They give up their "self" to the other person.

The victim can become so absorbed in the predator that she forgets to care for herself on an emotional level, and this may cross over to a lack of care on the physical level. The victim's absorption in the predator feeds into the predator's need to build his self esteem using the victim, so co-dependent really is that...the predator needs the victim, while the victim gives up her own rights for the predator.

It is not generally a conscious choice to give her "self" to the predator. However, in some cases it may be conscious: the victim may feel she's strong enough to handle it...strong enough to deal with the little stuff, until the situation gets so bad, that by the time she realizes it's abuse it's nearly impossible to get out.

Surprisingly, there is little information about victims. Victims may turn to libraries and the Internet for answers as to "why was I in this situation?" "What did I do wrong?" to deserve such treatment. This is another common thread among victims.

You know the sick cliches...she wears short skirts--she asked to be raped...and so the victim wonders, "what made me a victim?"

Generally the "crime" receives the majority of the coverage, whereas the victim's story tends only to be told in a situation such as this. It's a fairly sad indictment on modern society.

Victims of domestic violence tend to belong to a whole cycle of abusive relationships. They leave one only to enter another--they don't even realize it.

This statement is not to be confused with the domestic violence myth that women "like it" or "look for it." Victims do not want or look for violent men. It is the signs the victims may not recognize that lead them into a repeat of an awful situation.

Here is where the evidence conflicts. Some sources claim that victims of domestic violence, once they get out of the situation, stay away from the domestic violence pattern for good. Common sense would dictate this to be true, and I suspect common sense is what these sources are basing their claims on. In reality victims have a hard time staying away from a situation they don't recognize, let alone understand.

The victim may think, "gee he's so much nicer to me than 'my previous predator,'" not realizing that comparing the two at all should be a clue.

And when they try to get out...

People leaving a domestic violence situation have a 75% higher change of ending up dead than those leaving another relationship.

By the time the victim realizes she is in that situation she may be afraid for her life--too afraid to leave.

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Part of the problem lies in cultural roles. The history of humanity goes back a long, long way and it's only recently that women have been given rights...yes...been given.

Less than 200 years ago, women were bought and sold in marriage, with no rights over even their own bodies.

In the history of humanity, 200 years is a drop in the bucket. Many of our attitudes come from that longer history, and change takes time. This may explain to some degree why it's so easy to be a victim.

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Another thing that may contribute is religion. For example, a religion may imply or state overtly that "The man is in charge of the house, just as God is in charge of the world. In every social structure someone has to be in charge. God has said that the man is in charge of the family."

Many victims feel that out of duty to God they have to put up with abuse because of their own interpretation of such statements--whether or not the victim's interpretation is, in fact, the religion's official position.

Their own families many times don't support victims trying to leave a violent situation. Many a victim has been told to take the abuser back, and stop that foolishness or be disowned from the family.

We can't shy away from what needs to be said, because the fact is that some victims DO go from one victimization relationship to another.

And well...something makes us do that. Victims need to learn what makes a healthy relationship as opposed to an unhealthy one, and that is the next part of our class.

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the question has been asked "what if anything would have helped you recognize the situtation sooner? or possibly prevented it?" and I have asked myself that question. What I decided...was the first time it happened, I should have left. Though people change, it takes a lot of time and they have to be willing to change. That first time I was hurt, when HE blamed ME I should have realized it was time to get out.

This is something people need to be educated about starting when they are very young, the way we are starting to teach our kids about drugs young.

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Let's go into some signs of domestic violence first. This is mostly domestic violence, yet cyberstalking can run a similar course.

The obvious sign of domestic violence is physical injuries. If you see her bruises, ask her about them sensitively. She may insist they are the result of an accident.

In that case, about all you can do is say ok...but you don't believe it and you are there if she wants to talk at a later time.

If you see signs of depression, though, or suicide thoughts, or low self esteem, this can indicate emotional abuse--and face it, that can have just as devastating an impact as getting whacked with a baseball bat.

Drug abuse, alcohol abuse, chronic illness...these could indicate that she's trying to escape her abuser. Is she upset all the time? Unable to make even the smallest decision? When you talk to her, can you see a pattern? Maybe her mom was a victim? Maybe her sisters?

Does she hit you up for money? This may not mean she is bad at finances. Maybe her abuser is controlling her financially. Just remember if you do find these behaviors or symptoms, that blaming her is not a good idea. Her self esteem is already at a low.

Offer her hotlines. Suggest she talk to a counselor, say at her church or through her employee assistance program. Her abuser does NOT have to know, and many of these programs will not charge a fee.

People who have been abused lose their perspective. They forget they have the RIGHT to get out, but it's essential for the victim to get help from someone who undertands the situation. You don't want her to go to someone who will "tell on her."

When she finally gets the courage to get help, if she doesn't get REAL help, she may never go for help again.

In all this...if she is in physical danger, that needs to be addressed first. And for us , don't step in if she doesn't want you to. It's up to the victim to decide if she is going to get out. It's a tough decision and one that requires a lot of emotional courage. And a HUGE, and very real, personal risk.

So much so that it might take years for her to decide to get out. Don't suggest she talk it out with her predator, and don't try to referree.

You must do your best to ensure her physical safety, but remember the decision to leave or not is the victim's to make.

The choice of where to go for advice is important. The helper may become a second victim. Particularly if someone "tells on the victim" who is seeking help, the predator has, in a number of documented cases, taken actions against both the victim AND the helper.

Remember the predator relies on "having" the victim for his own self-esteem. He will do whatever it takes to keep her.

As a friend...be supportive. It's up to her to make her own decision. If you step in and do it for her, you're kind of adding to the abuse by reinforcing her idea that she is without power.

It's fine for you to say "I think you have the right NOT to live that way," rather than say "YOU HAVE TO GET OUT." Leave it up to the victim.

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Let's go into the abusive relationship a bit, then we can talk about a healthy one.

At the heart of the abusive relationship is CONTROL and power. This control takes many forms.

Sometimes it's financial: keeping all the money.

Or emotional: making her feel bad about herself or think she's crazy.

Isolating her: who she can see and when, talk to and when...where she goes, what she does, what she reads. This one often gets tied to jealousy

Blame, or even denying the abuse happened: Saying it didn't happen or that it was her fault.

Inequality of roles: like Edith Bunker. The man is the king of his castle.

Threats: "if you go to the police I will kill you" or kill himself, or the kids, or hurt them.

Intimidation: breaking things, pointing a finger like it's a gun, hurting the cat, or the kids, polishing guns or knives in an intimidating way.

Using the kids: Making her feel guilty about them, or even making them seem more adult than her. Using them to carry notes or relay messages.

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Now let's look at a non-abusive relationship. Much lighter reading :) .

At the center of this relationship is equality as opposed to power.

Economic partnership: both partners make financial decisions. They benefit both partners as well.

Trust: here is where he supports her goals, feelings, friends.

Respect: respect is not judgemental...both partners value the other's opinions.

Honesty...and hand in hand is accountability. You are responsible for yourself, and your partner is responsible for themself. Admit when you're wrong, communicate FULLY openly, with truth.

Non-threatening behavior: instead of making her feel scared...she feels safe. Both partners feel comfortable doing "normal things" and expressing their feelings.

Fairness: ok, so even in this relationship you won't always agree. You have to resolve the differences fairly. The big thing there is compromise.

Sharing the work and responsibility: family decisions are made together.

And finally parenting: being good role models for the kids to keep this ball rolling...because kids learn what they live. If they grow up with it, they will do it.

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The next step is to go to the crime statistics again and see if I can pull out some psychological data, but I don't have training in that, so I would prefer citable references because I don't want to give misinformation in any way. My formal psychological training extends to psychology from my nursing , so it's limited.

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