| Dr. Seuss' LORD OF THE RINGS screenplay (Scene 1: Bag End, after Bilbo's party) GANDALF: That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam! I do not like that Samwise-Sam! FRODO: Would you like some bread and jam? GANDALF: I do not want your bread and jam. I'm busy being mad at Sam. He likes to sneak. He likes to spy. I'll grind him up for hobbit pie! FRODO: Oh, do not grind him up for pie! He is a pretty handy guy. He mows my grass. He paints my gate. He is my friend. We must not hate. GANDALF: Well, then, I will not grind up Sam! Bring me bread, and bring me jam! We'll talk about another thing. Tell me, do you have the ring? FRODO: I have the ring. I have it here. But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I fear the ring is very bad, The golden ring that Bilbo had! Tell me, will you take the ring? GANDALF: I will not take that evil thing! FRODO: Would you, could you, by the fire? Would you, could you, in the Shire? GANDALF: I would not, could not, by the fire. I would not, could not, in the Shire. FRODO: Would you, could you, in a tree? Would you, on the road to Bree? Would you, with an orc or troll? Would you, in a hobbit-hole? GANDALF: I would not, could not, in a tree. I would not, on the road to Bree. I would not, with an orc or troll. I would not, in a hobbit-hole. I will not take it here or there, I will not take it anywhere! For it is bad. It's as you say. You'll have to take that ring away And throw it in the Cracks of Doom! FRODO: I'll need a friend. But who, or whom? (Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying) SAM: Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here! He'll wash me down with beer, I fear! I do not wish to be a pie! GANDALF: I will not eat you, little spy! But I will send you far away. You both will go away today. You'll go to Bree. A man is there. The man looks foul. The man feels fair. He'll lead you both, if all goes well, To meet the elves in Rivendell. SAM: Oh, Master! We will meet the elves! We'll get to meet the elves ourselves And hear them sing their elven songs! We'll hear them bong their elven-gongs And strum their elven loola-lutes! They'll hoot their elven hooty-toots! GANDALF: I hope you'll hear those loola-lutes And hear the hoots of hooty-toots! But go with care. To be a pie Is better than to meet the Eye! The Eye is mean. The Eye is red. He rules nine Riders. They are dead. They'll try to make you dead, as well. But will they catch you? Time will tell. FRODO: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess! We'll have to fix this mess, I guess. So we will go, just Sam and me. And what will happen? We will see! (Scene 2: A Field, as Frodo and Sam begin the journey) GANDALF: That little Ring! That little Ring! That Ring is such and evil thing! Now Frodo you must listen here, that Ring is truly bad, I fear. You must not put it on, I say! And now, farewell! I must away! FRODO: Oh no what ever will I do? SAM: Don't worry, sir, I'm here for you! I'll make you meals. I'll cook you food. I'll stand by you until we're screwed! FRODO: Oh it's not that, it's just, you see, my back is truly killing me, for all this luggage wears me out, I cannot hardly walk about! (Then Pip and Merry run them down and now they sit there on the ground) FRODO: That did not help my back at all PIPPIN: We did not mean to cause the fall MERRY: But we must run, we're being chased- PIPPIN: and right through Farmer Maggot's place! MERRY: So tell me, will you hold these crops? SAM: I will not hold your stolen crops! PIPPIN: Would you could you in a field? Would you could you for a meal? SAM: I would not could not in a field! I would not could not for a meal! MERRY: Would you could you through the boggs? Would you could you chased by dogs? Would you on a hobbit trail? Would you for a pint of ale? SAM: I would not could not through the boggs, I would not could not chased by dogs! I would not on a hobbit trail, not even for a pint of ale! I will not hold them here or there I will not hold them anywhere! FRODO: Well never mind for we must flee! Now Quick! let's hide behind that tree! NAZGUL: What's this smell, under that tree. It smells like hobbit, could it be? They could be hiding from my sight. I'll go and look. I think I'm right! But then again if nothing's there - I truly have no time to spare, for I must find that magic ring. Now tell me, have you seen that thing? I looked down low, I looked up high, I'm sure I'll find it by and by. But Sauron, mister "gimmy-now" will not be happy till it's found.... (Exit Nazgul) SAM: Oh frodo, who or what was that? That hooded rider dressed in black? I could not see his eyes or face. I think we'd better leave this place! MERRY: Now, come on Frodo, on to Bree. I hear they've got some beer for free! PIPPIN: Oh Merry! We will taste the food! And maybe have a pint or two! And hear the big folks' tavern songs. We'll hear them bong their tavern-gongs And strum their big folk loola-lutes! They'll hoot their big folk hooty-toots! FRODO: I hope we'll hear those loola-lutes And hear the hoots of hooty-toots! But we must not let people know of who we are or what we know. So be aware of what you say and do not mention names, okay? PIPPIN: No problem here! I'm good at that, You're secret's safe with me, no sweat! FRODO: So off we go, the four of us and things will happen as they must! (Scene 3: To Rivendell) STRIDER: Well hello there, my little chums; my name is Strider Cracker Crumbs! FRODO: How did you get so fine a name? STRIDER: You see, I'm known to crush the lame! As mean as any dog am I, but I'm a pretty handy guy! PIPPIN: Then you can join our merry band! My name's Pippin; this is Sam - and Frodo, here, he's got this Ring, and what a pretty little thing! It shines so brightly in the dark, and- MERRY: Pippin! Thats not very smart! FRODO: We cannot trust this cunning spy STRIDER: Dont worry, I'm a nice old guy. Now come! Lets leave because you see, the hour hand is half past 3! (the go to Weathertop) FRODO: Oh no! here comes that big bad lord! SAM: And look! he brought from friends... and swords STRIDER: Dont worry guys there're only five; it wont be bad; you'll still survive! (Frodo gets stabbed) FRODO: owwy-me! oh Owwy-my! STRIDER: Oops, I'm sorry, please don't die! SAM: Mr. Frodo! You okay? You dont look so good today... STRIDER: He needs Elvish medicine PIPPIN: Perhaps some soothing violin! STRIDER: Samwise! Just the one I need! Will you find a special weed? SAM: I will not find a special weed. It's dark and scary; I can't see! STRIDER: Would you could you on the path? Would you for a Scooby'snack? SAM: I would not could not on the path, I would not for a Scooby-snack! STRIDER: Would you could you with a torch? Would you on my girlfriend's horse? ARWEN: (to Frodo) I've come to save you; you'll soon see; hop aboard and we will flee! (Frodo gets on the horse and they ride through the forest) FRODO: Can't this thing go any faster? If they catch us, such disaster! RINGWRAITHS: Ha ha ha! We've got them now! Good job fellows, take a bow! ARWEN: Not so fast my sausy friends; just looks beyond the river bend! RINGWRAITHS: Fly! Fly! we must fly! Or else our horses will all die! ARWEN: Ha ha, Frodo, what a day!...uh...Frodo? um, uh.....you ok? FRODO: *blegh* Scene 4: The Fellowship coming soon |