| Comedy Index | Home Page The Fellowship of the Ring - 2 Minute Script FRODO: Hi, Gandalf! GANDALF: Bilbo, give him your ring. BILBO: Okay. Bye! GANDALF: See you at the pub, Frodo. FRODO: Doo-de-do. NAZGUL: Boo! FRODO: Eeeek! MERRY: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek! PIPPIN: Eeeek! SAM: Ha ha, can't catch us now! TOM BOMBADIL: Hello little friends! FRODO: No time for you, wacko TOM BOMBADIL: (disappears) SARUMAN: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set. GANDALF: I never saw that coming. SARUMAN: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight. GANDALF: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait. FRODO: (whispering) Keep a low profile. PIPPIN: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right? MERRY: (loudly) Or the ring either, right? STRIDER: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you. PIPPIN: (whining) Are we there yet? NAZGUL: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm. FRODO: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names- SAM: Hmm, looks like swords work too. STRIDER: Go away, bad men! NAZGUL: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger! FRODO: Wow, we're in Rivendell! MERRY: That was easy. PIPPIN: Don't knock it. SAM: Elves are cool! ELROND: Get the heck out of my place, I don't need trouble. GIMLI: You can't throw them out while I'm here! LEGOLA: Same for me! ELROND: Right, all of you wankers leave now. GANDALF But I just got here. BOROMIR: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope. FRODO: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so- [THUD] PIPPIN: Where the heck did all this snow come from? GANDALF: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top? GIMLI: Told you we should go through the mines. STRIDER: Let the dwarf have his way. LEGOLAS: Fine, whatever, just open the door. GIMLI: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside. BOROMIR: What a bunch of weirdos GANDALF: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF] SAM: Such magic. MERRY: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here! GIMLI: Boo hoo. PIPPIN: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!! GANDALF: PIPPIN!!!! ORCS: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines? BOROMIR: (Slash) LEGOLAS: (Pfft) GIMLI: (Whack) ORCS: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship. FRODO: Ouch! STRIDER: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed! FRODO: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh? BALROG: Darn it, I was sound asleep.That really ticks me off. GANDALF: We are so doomed. STRIDER: Not if we run away! (does so) BOROMIR: First good idea you've had. (follows) GANDALF: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon! LEGOLAS: We don't have to . . . GIMLI: . . . we just have to outrun *you*. BALROG: You're mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him) STRIDER: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen! FRODO: I'm over it. SAM: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here. LEGOLAS: Wondrous are these woods! GIMLI: And full of cutthroat elves. CELEBORN: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate. GALADRIEL: I know you better than you know yourselves. SAM: You've got nothing better to do with your time? GALADRIEL: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror. FRODO: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water. GALADRIEL: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be! FRODO: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring. GALADRIEL: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions. FRODO: Great, I'm still stuck with it. CELEBORN: Check-out time! PIPPIN: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down- GIMLI: Shut up. Seven hours of that is enough. STRIDER: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling. BOROMIR: Give me the ring. FRODO: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches. BOROMIR: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack) FRODO: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world. SAM: Works for me. (they leave) SUPERORCS: Kill kill kill! MERRY: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically) PIPPIN: Look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat. BOROMIR: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . . miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies) SUPERORCS: Kill kill kill! LEGOLAS: Look at my form. Dang, I'm good. GIMLI: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow. STRIDER: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction. LEGOLAS: Okay. GIMLI: Sure. THE END |