Stare at the blue lines, I think I'ma go blind"
What is going on? I’m getting really fucking depressed. These little things are just pissing me off and I’m feeling lack of love. It hurts. My heart hurts. It just seems like people forget about me. No one can see the pain, but I don’t want them to see it. I feel so terrible just bitching at people. I don’t want people to share my pain. It’s too great. I want to just see Diana but its $70 an hour. And then I feel so terrible making my dad pay that much since he doesn’t have a job… I can’t stop crying. I could go see George, or just e-mail her, but she’s got all her new classes now. So we’ll see. I don’t want to add more weight onto her. She’s got classes, college, and how ever many students want her help this year. I really can’t add baggage onto my dad. He’s already depressed enough as it is. He’s got a lot of emotions he needs to take care of. Bleh. I feel really bad that Adam’s so sad. And I feel really bad about getting so upset about all these things that are so stupid. Like when he goes somewhere, and then comes back just to tell me he’s leaving again. I get so excited that he’s back and then he just leaves. Like lately when I say something about how I miss him, or I want to hold him or something, he shoves it aside and starts talking about something else. And how I get really jealous when he talks about how much he likes talking to this other girl. God. They all just make me feel like such an idiot. I simply can not find anything wrong with Adam, so I find all these stupid little things that don’t make the slightest difference. And like, I’ll forget that he loves me so much sometimes cause I’ll convince myself that there’s something wrong. But dammit. He tells me every day that he loves me, and when we see each other. We just can’t keep our hands off each other. And I know I love him more than anything, so I should just quit my bitching, cause Adam is perfect. I can’t keep blaming all this shit that he isn’t even aware of. I’m such a flaming retard sometimes. I always forget what I have and focus on all the things that could possibly be wrong. I think I need to just suck it up and go see Diana. I really just need to do something for myself. Get out all this shit that’s just stuck in my head. Talking to her helps, cause I don’t feel guilty or think that I’m just weighing her down with my depression. It’s the only thing that helps me. Is just to talk to people. And I don’t want to just dump it on my friends. They’ve got enough to deal with and I don’t want them worrying about me all the time cause I have stupid little problems. They don’t need to give me extra special attention. I’m a big girl. I should be able to just fix things. I know what’s wrong, but I can’t just fix it. It’s one of those things that other people have control over, but it affects me. Bleh. I guess I’ll just have to wait more. Stupid waiting.