Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull
I call things as I see them, if I didn't see them, I make them up
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist
If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge
block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look
like an elephant.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
Evil is just live, spelt backwards
Really get stoned, drink wet cement.
Only dead fish go with the flow
Call me if you need my phone number!
The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
You have the right to free speech as long as you're not dumb
enough to actually try it.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.