Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk A day without sunshine is like, you know, night Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else What do you get if you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull I call things as I see them, if I didn't see them, I make them up Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist If anything is worth doing, it would have been done already Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs? The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Fight Crime: Shoot Back One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. Evil is just live, spelt backwards Really get stoned, drink wet cement. Only dead fish go with the flow Call me if you need my phone number! The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . .having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. You have the right to free speech as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it. How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg." When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.