Dr. Fro answers your more pressing questions about your office and household furniture friends. All letters are real and come from the list on Beyond the Sea; the names have been removed to protect the innocent. And may I say, many thanks to everyone there for not only inspiring this, but continuing to feed my overactive imagination. You guys are the best!

Shall we begin?

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I sit here covering my face with my hands, rocking back and forth, chanting "This is not happening... this is not happening..."

I always knew you were an eclectic group, highly imaginative, creative. The artistic temperament, you know, we have to make allowances. I've been understanding. I've made excuses. I've covered up ectoplasm before.

But this... THIS... the horror... it must stop. I have to do something about this. I can no longer remain silent about the DISGUSTING THINGS YOU'RE DESCRIBING!!!

I had no idea that I would ever here someone speak in such a way about... well, let me just tell you, my furniture would NEVER do those kinds of things! My furniture was raised right! It has never even seen a can of WD-40 -- what kind
of people do you think we are, that we'd keep that around where the kids could find it?!

And that picture... shudder... that kind of pornography should be outlawed!!!

My mind is a blur... I just can't process this all right now. I need to lie down.

Dr. Fro responds: Oh yeah, I've heard this before. I know your type, you snotty French Provincial folk who claim to never touch the WD-40, but who secretly hide the feather dusters and the fancy Olde English oil in the deeper recesses of your armoires! I'll bet you even have one of those lacy French maid's outfits hiding in there somewhere, don't you?

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I was thinking *this* was the era of safe sex but didn't it used to be common place to Scotch Guard or plastic cover the furniture? Especially that nasty *love seat*?

Dr. Fro responds: It was, but Scotch Guard was messy and ultimately ineffective and the plastic covers commonly used in households were often ill-fitted and unsightly. I've always thought the love seat was unjustly given a bad name. They're compact and well-suited to smaller homes and, in spite of their unfortunately moniker, are really quite well-restrained, reserved pieces of furniture.
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Remember that one chair at school that refused to stay up on the table and you had to put it back again and again? Did we force it to participate in unwanted sexual activity..I dare not use the r word!

Dr. Fro responds: Far too many innocent school chairs have been forced into early retirement or driven to furniture heaven because of this disturbing ritual. We now know better and the push is on to leave any unwilling chair off to the side where it will not be forced to participate in stacking. If you see this abuse continuing in your local schools, please contact the ASPCF as soon as possible.

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Dr. Fro responds: Just put a towel down to protect the carpet or whatever flooring you have under that chair. Like Mulder said, questions are better left unanswered. *g*
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What about the.... OFFICE wheel chairs??? :O with handles?? :O

Dr. Fro responds: These are among the scariest in the furniture kingdom. They take their pleasure wherever and with whatever piece of furniture they happen to get pressed up against. So desperate is their need, that they often leave scars on the unsuspecting office mates. They can be trained to be gentle by the use of protective plastic padding and can live long productive lives. Since they are generally unable to mate with their own kind, reproduction takes place through artificial means only, which is why when an office chair is taken to furniture heaven, it often takes weeks for a replacement to be located. If not for the diligence of the furniture factories in America, these chairs would have been extinct years ago.

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Are you sure they are NOT cloned??

Dr. Fro responds: There have been reports of some upper level government chairs leaking a suspicious green fluid. Last I heard, there was a special House committee being formed to investigate the matter.

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Speaking of office chairs....

I actually came into the office yesterday morning to find my desk chair missing. When I found it, it was snuggling with a barstool in the showroom. Would that be considered an inter-species relationship? :)

Dr. Fro responds: Most definitely. You say the chairs were snuggling? Hmmm. This barstool has obviously had a positive effect on the otherwise aggressive office chair. I would foster this relationship by moving the barstool into your main office space. It's not often that a common barstool is able to reach through and calm an office chair, so do everything you can to allow this relationship to grow and prosper. Congratulations on being open-minded to this most unusual relationship. Under your care, your office chair and it's chosen mate should serve you long and well.

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Dr. Fro responds: Oh my! Such a lucky human you are. These creatures offer ultimate versatility and convenience to their human hosts and generally don't find it necessary to reach out to the other chairs in the room, since they are more than happy to take care of their own needs. Take care of this gem and be sure to oil frequently as they do tend to suffer from creaky joints.

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Dr. Fro responds: Not quite as perverted as you might think. Bean bag chairs and futons are often found cohabitating. Their equally versatile and docile natures make them an even match. Try to be a little more understanding of this bicushional relationship.
BTW, one of my dogs is a Rotweiler/long-haired dachshund mix...honest to God. We think there was a table involved. ;-)

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The futon is gay, obviously. He harbors secret fantasies about the chair...actually, about both of them! He's such a poor confused one-legged futon...

Dr. Fro responds: How can you say that? Futon's are well-rounded and versatile in nature. They adapt to any environment and are open to furniture of all makes and models, with no prejudices. I'm deeply offended by your callous treatment of my futon friends!

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Now I feel compelled to throw out that jumbo can of WD40 I just purchased.

I'm almost afraid to know the answer to this but I have to ask - My pajama drawer squeaks. Should I be alarmed?

Dr. Fro responds: Your dresser is probably just beginning to show signs of aging. Give those runners a little WD-40. You'll enjoy the peace and your drawers will be able to enjoy a little action without feeling self-conscious. BTW, you might want to run everything in the drawer through a wash, just to be on the safe side. *g*
Fro

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Dr. Fro responds: Nymphos! Always going in and out, in and out!

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Dr. Fro responds: The day bed is another matter entirely. This piece of furniture has schizophrenic tendencies...is it a bed or a couch...is more useful by day or night...should it show its sheets or its upholstery? I would suggest seeking the help of a professional designer before bringing one of these scary specimens into your household.

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Dr. Fro responds: Trundle bed...the Siamese twins of the furniture kingdom. Separate personalities sharing a single frame. The top mattress is generally the fuller, more dominant twin, with the lower mattress having a slightly less padded body and somewhat of an inferiority complex. This inferiority complex is displayed by its penchant for disappearing under the upper mattress and staying for prolonged periods of time. It only comes out when required and generally has to be forced into service. Lower mattresses are frequently neglected, sometimes forced to wear the same set of sheets for months at a time. They should be treated with care and given the same respect as their more obvious sibling.
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I started thinking about our cots stacked up for nap time and...and...and...it was too weird and twisted for even me to contemplate. ;-)

We used to stack chairs onto tables in that position back in school....hmmm...does that mean the chair was having an affair with the other chairs with the table?? Jeez, so they must have been having a hell of a group sex in a classroom big enough for 45 people?!

Dr. Fro responds: Well, I won't get into tables, but yes, chances are the table was instigating a group sex activity. Classroom tables and desk to tend to have a Caligula complex...but we're not going to go there.
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Dear Sicko,
How could you write chair/chair? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww! Everybody with half a brain knows that chair and sofa have the best UST not to mention they're soul mates and lovers since the first time they met! You're gross and obviously a sofa-hater. I hope you die! Write some chair/sofa fic next time, or I'll just have to take your chair/chair fic and change all the chair's to sofa's. I bet you like filing cabinet, too!