Anyway, happy reading!!
Capt. Janeway ;)
******************************************************************************
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .
SCULLY: Follow the yellow brick road? Which yellow brick road?! (muttering to herself:) Stupid
Reyes thinks she knows what she's talking about . . .
*
SCULLY: Why, you *did* say something, didn't you?
(MULDER shakes his head vehemently, then decides to nod it.)
SCULLY: What's wrong with you? Can't you make up your mind?
MULDER: That's the trouble: I *can't* make up my mind. I haven't got an actor--uh, brain. (sadly:) Only straw.
*
MULDER (singing):
Oh! Criminals I'd be catchin',
Relationships I'd be patchin',
If I only had a brain!
*
MULDER (getting an idea): Do you think that if I complain about my problems, the President would give me a brain?
SCULLY: I don't know. (after a moment:) But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you were before.
*
MULDER & SCULLY (arm-in-arm as they do a happy little skippy-dance on the yellow brick road with QUEEQUEG at their heels while they sing):
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,
Or maybe he still is!!
*
DOGGETT: Chris Carter still hasn't decided who my significant other was and what happened to her.
*
JIMMY (nervously): Uh . . . Guys?
YVES (annoyed): What, Jimmy?
JIMMY: I . . . I think something just brushed my leg . . .
*
MULDER (very enthusiastically): Did it have fangs? Was it Bigfoot?! Oh, for crying out loud, WAS IT MY SISTER?!?! WAS IT A CLONE OF MY SISTER?!!?!?!!??! WAS IT AN ALIEN?!?!?!?
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Cut it out, Mulder!!
MULDER (continuing): IT WAS THE ALIEN BOUNTY HUNTER, WASN'T IT?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, & YVES: MULDER!!!
*
ANNOUNCER (on the movie screen): Thank you for not smoking and for remaining quiet during the movie . . .
*
REGIS (after managing to shove the ANNOUNCER away again): You have chosen "X-Files: Fight the Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.
YVES (angrily): We did not, you liar!!
*
MULDER (loudly): We just *had* to listen to the fanfiction author who hates my guts, didn't we?!
*
SCULLY: Yeah, but it's a man!! I mean, not just any ordinary man, but a man made out of--
MULDER & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, SCULLY!!!!
SCULLY (getting very annoyed): Why won't anyone let me finish?! What's so bad about talking about a man made out of--
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): That's IT!!! I'm ending this chapter RIGHT NOW before you ruin Chapter 4, Scully!!
*
AND NOW, CHAPTER 4 . . .
******************************************************************************
(Setting: With MULDER, SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, and our view of the metal leg; right where we left off in the previous chapter. SCULLY appears to be very annoyed:)
SCULLY (impatiently): *Now* can I say it?
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Yes, Scully, you can say it.
SCULLY (clearing her throat): Ahem . . . (unsuccessfully trying to put the surprise back in her voice:) Why, it is a man. Wow. A man made out of . . .
(SCULLY looks around for a moment to make sure that she will have absolutely no interruptions. Satisfied, she turns her attention back to the man.)
SCULLY: A man made out of . . . TIN!!!
(The camera pulls back to reveal DOGGETT in the Tin Man costume, complete with silver makeup and an axe that is the exact same shade of silver that he is.)
MULDER (dismayed): Oh, no . . . No, no, no, no, NO! This is not happening!!
SCULLY (glaring at him): Mulder, that was *my* famous line that you just stole.
CAPT. JANEWAY ( angrily from off-camera): Character!! How many times do I have to tell everyone to stay in character?!
DOGGETT (straining to get his message out in a little high-pitched voice): Moyckeeee . . .
(MULDER and SCULLY jump at the sound.)
SCULLY (to MULDER): Did he just say something?
MULDER (as innocently as he can): Did he? I didn't hear anything. It must've been the wind.
DOGGETT (trying again): Oycah . . .
SCULLY: He *did* say something!!
MULDER (panicking): Oh, well . . . It really must be your imagination, Scul--uh, Dorothy. Really, artificial intelligence? (he shakes his head with disbelief:) Yeah, right!
(DOGGETT rolls his eyes and tries again, straining as hard as he can to make himself clear:)
DOGGETT: Oy . . . Yull . . . Cannn . . .
SCULLY (trying to listen carefully): "Oy-yull-cannn"?
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. We see our Storm Cellar Gang watching our dear friend the X-Files movie:)
DOGGETT (confused): Okay, now, tell me again: Exactly *why* did Mulder go to the wrong building to look for the bomb?
MULDER (annoyed): Because it said so in the script!!
DOGGETT: Yeah, but even though you caught the bomb, it was still a pretty stupid idea.
MULDER (angrily): Look, it wasn't my fault!! Chris Carter made me do it!!
SKINNER: Oh, sure, blame it on poor ol' Chris Carter, Mulder!
FOWLEY (angrily): Shut-up, all of you!! I want to see this movie that *I* had no part in.
YVES (muttering): And probably for good reason . . .
FOWLEY: What did you say?!
YVES (coyly): Nothing.
DOGGETT (nervously as he looks up at the screen): Uh-oh, Agent Scully's got those Pouty-Wouty eyes again . . .
MULDER (suspiciously): You know that look?
DOGGETT (with great dread): All too well, Mulder. Ever heard of an episode called "This Is Not Happening"?
MULDER: No.
DOGGETT: Trust me, when it's aired, run for your life. I mean it.
JIMMY: Why is Scully so sad?
MULDER (trying to remember): Um . . . I think because she's getting transferred or something, and so she's quitting . . . Some weird thing like that.
SKINNER: I hate those old glasses I'm wearing in the movie.
FOWLEY: What, you don't like the geeky look?
SKINNER (shortly): Aren't you supposed to be dead, Agent Fowley?
DOGGETT (looking at the screen again): Mulder, I didn't know you drink!!
MULDER: What, you, the Manly Man among us, don't?
DOGGETT: No.
JIMMY (standing up): Anybody want some popcorn? Soda?
DOGGETT (hungrily): Popcorn!! Soda!! FOOD!!
FOWLEY: I'll take a diet Pepsi.
MULDER: Get me a super-duper bucket of popcorn.
YVES: I'll take a bottled water.
SKINNER: Can I get some gummy bears?
JIMMY (excitedly): You like them, too?!
SKINNER (also excited): Oh, yeah, I like them all!! Uh, except for the pineapple ones. Those are gross.
JIMMY: Yeah. Well, I'll be back in a little while . . . Yves, save my seat.
YVES (pretending to be distracted by the movie): Right, whatever, Jimmy.
(Cut back to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road.
SCULLY is still trying to figure out what DOGGETT is trying to say, while MULDER continues to try to talk her out of helping DOGGETT:)
MULDER (trying to sound reasonable): Okay, Dorothy, so maybe you're right. Maybe he did say something. So what? He's a talking robot, and he's probably malfunctioning or something . . . (getting too caught up in his idea:) Or maybe he's part of the Conspiracy, or from outer space, and is here to destroy life as we know it, and--
SCULLY: Mulder, stop doing that!
DOGGETT (getting very frustrated): Oyulcahn!
SCULLY (thinking hard): "Oyulcahn"? What's "oyulcahn"?
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): It's "oilcan," Scully!! Oilcan!!
DOGGETT (eagerly): Oyulcahn!
SCULLY (innocently): You know, Mulder um, Scarecrow, I think he's trying to say "oilcan."
MULDER: Well, that's a weird thing to ask for.
SCULLY (looking around): Hmmm . . . Where's the oilcan?
(A LAZY STAGEHAND rushes on to the set and hands SCULLY the oilcan
DOGGETT (happily): Oyulcahn!!
SCULLY: Why, here's the oilcan!! (to DOGGETT:) Where do you want to be oiled first, Tin Man?
DOGGETT (straining to get the new message out): My . . . my mouf . . .
SCULLY (puzzled): "Mouf"? What's that?
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): His mouth!! He wants you to oil his mouth!!
SCULLY: Oh!! You mean your mouth!!
DOGGETT (happily): Yeah . . .
SCULLY: All right . . .
(SCULLY stands on her tip-toes with the oilcan, and is about to start oiling DOGGETT's mouth when MULDER suddenly grabs her arm:)
MULDER (urgently): Are you sure you want to do this?
SCULLY (puzzled): Why wouldn't I?
MULDER (nervously whispering): He's got an axe, Scully . . . He could chop us into little pieces . . .
(DOGGETT, who apparently heard what MULDER said, rolls his eyes.)
SCULLY: That's ridiculous, Mulder. And anyway, I'd only be oiling his mouth. He can't hold an axe with his mouth.
MULDER: All right. Don't say I didn't warn you, though.
(SCULLY stands on her tip-toes with the oilcan again and oils DOGGETT's mouth. We hear the screeching of metal grinding against metal as DOGGETT tries to speak:)
DOGGETT (with each word becoming easier to say): My . . . my . . . my . . . my mouth!! My mouth!! I can talk again!!
SCULLY: What a mess you are!
MULDER: You could say that again . . .
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): Oil my arms, please!! Oil my elbows!!
(SCULLY starts to oil DOGGETT's arms.)
SCULLY: How did you get like this?
DOGGETT: Well, I was chopping down a tree one day, when it started to rain. I tried to keep going and get the job done, but in only about five minutes or so, I rusted solid. I was just like that until today.
SCULLY: Oh, well, you're perfect now.
(MULDER gives SCULLY an odd look.)
SCULLY (defensively to MULDER): What? It's my line!
DOGGETT (continuing): Perfect? (proudly:) Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect.
(Both SCULLY and MULDER give DOGGETT an odd look.)
DOGGETT (still proud): Go ahead, bang on it.
(SCULLY knocks on the part of the Tin Man costume that is over DOGGETT's chest. An echo can be heard.)
MULDER: Let me guess . . . You're sad because you're all hollow. (imitating the Tin Man from the real "Wizard of Oz":) "The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart."
DOGGETT: That's almost right, except for one thing: I'm not sad.
SCULLY (surprised): You're not?
DOGGETT (proudly): Who needs a heart? Hearts are for wusses!!
MULDER: Well, what do you want, then?
DOGGETT: Huh?
SCULLY: Everyone wants something, Tin Man. I want to go back to Kansas, and the Scarecrow wants a brain.
DOGGETT (smirking at MULDER): How appropriate.
MULDER (glaring at DOGGETT as he mutters): Shut-up, Tin Man.
SCULLY (ignoring the previous two lines): So you have to want something.
DOGGETT: I don't know . . . All I know is that I definitely don't want a heart.
(Music for "If I Only Had a Heart" starts.)
DOGGETT (singing):
When you don't want to be a wimp,
But your ego's not a blimp,
You're off to a bad start.
So that's the problem I've got,
But I'd never have a shot
If I ever got a heart!
With a heart I would be mushy,
And sickeningly slushy.
From my machoness I'd dart!
I'd become very boring;
The audience would be snoring
If I ever got a heart!
Picture me!
A balcony,
Above, a voice sings low . . .
A RIDICULOUSLY FEMININE VOICE: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
(A loud "Thud-thud.")
DOGGETT: I hear a beat!
(A loud "Thud-thud.")
THE RIDICULOUSLY FEMININE VOICE (shocked): *You're* not Romeo!! Eeek!
DOGGETT (continuing his song):
At least I'm not like the Scarecrow,
And want a lot of dough
For doing a seas'n in part!
(MULDER glares at DOGGETT, but says nothing as DOGGETT concludes:)
But I know that I'd be
So incredibly unhappy
If I ever got a heart!
(Music for "If I Only Had a Heart" ends.)
MULDER: Well, that's all very nice, Tin Man, but you still have to want something.
DOGGETT (thinking): Hmmm . . . Maybe a new axe? (looking at the axe he's holding:) This one's getting a little rusty . . .
(Suddenly, FOWLEY
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, thanks a lot, Capt. Janeway, for making one of my ex-girlfriends play the witch.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): What can I say? She was made for the role.
SCULLY (angrily to FOWLEY): You're too early again!!
FOWLEY (shrugging): Better early than late. (she clears her throat and gets back into her "Wicked Witch" mode:) Ah-ha!! Helping the little lady along, my fine gentlemen?
DOGGETT (to SCULLY): Woah, wait just a minute here!! Just because you oiled me doesn't mean I'm going to be your little tag-along for the rest of my life!
SCULLY (glaring at FOWLEY): See why being too early is bad? The Scarecrow and I haven't had any time to become good friends with the Tin Man yet!!
MULDER (not liking SCULLY's choice of words): Friends? With the Tin Man?
DOGGETT (equally dissatisfied): *Good* friends? With the Scarecrow?
SCULLY (trying to appease everyone): Well . . . *I* haven't had much time--
MULDER: Nor will you. Come on, Scul--uh, Dorothy. Let's get out of here!
FOWLEY (losing her confidence): But . . . But what about my scene?! I want my scene!!
DOGGETT: I don't want your scene. Does anyone else want her scene?
SCULLY: Not me!!
MULDER: Well . . .
(SCULLY elbows MULDER very hard in the ribs.)
MULDER (in pain): Ow!! Okay!! Okay!! I don't want her scene, either!!
FOWLEY (pouting): But I want my scene!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Okay, guys, here's what we're going to do: We're taking it from the end of Doggett's song. Fowley, we'll get to your scene; you just have to be patient, okay?
FOWLEY (grudgingly): Okay.
(FOWLEY sits behind a tree and sulks.)
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Our friends
YVES: You really expect us to believe that you showed up drunk in the middle of the night, and Scully still let you in?
(FOWLEY mutters something that we can't hear, although it's safe to say it probably wasn't anything kind about SCULLY.)
MULDER: Well . . . Yeah.
YVES: Is she stupid or what?
CAPT. JANEWAY (as she plops down in a seat next to DOGGETT with a bucket of popcorn): Be nice, Yves. Everyone gets a little stupid in the middle of the night.
DOGGETT (looking greedily at CAPT. JANEWAY's bucket of popcorn even though there are two empty pizza boxes on the floor next to him): Are you going to eat all that, Capt. Janeway?
CAPT. JANEWAY (noticing the pizza boxes): No, Doggett. I won't let you get fat. Mulder, yes, but you're my favorite character.
(MULDER coughs loudly.)
DOGGETT (complaining): But I'm hungry!
CAPT. JANEWAY (as she shoves a handful of popcorn in her mouth): It's for your own good.
DOGGETT (muttering): Now you're starting to sound like my significant other . . .
CAPT. JANEWAY (eagerly): Really?!
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road. FOWLEY is still sulking behind her tree while MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT try to continue with their scene:)
MULDER: So, what do you want, Tin Man?
DOGGETT: Well, I think I do want a new axe. This one's nice, but I think I'm about due for a new one.
SCULLY: But you're supposed to want something that has a lot of symbolism attached to it, like a brain, or a heart, or home, or courage.
MULDER: We haven't used courage yet.
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): We're saving the courage for the Cowardly Lion, guys.
DOGGETT: Not that I need courage, anyway.
SCULLY: But an axe isn't symbolic!!
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): It'll be all right, Scully.
SCULLY: Are you sure?
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving an annoyed sigh from off-camera): Don't worry. It'll work.
SCULLY (as she starts to oil DOGGETT again): Say, Tin Man, we're on our way to see the President so we can complain about our problems, and we were wondering whether you'd like to come with us.
MULDER: We were? I mean, we were.
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER): If you complain enough, he might give you a new axe.
DOGGETT: Really?
SCULLY: Really.
DOGGETT: But what if he won't give me a new axe?
SCULLY: Oh, but he must! We've come such a long way already.
(Suddenly, FOWLEY runs out from behind her tree, broomstick in hand.)
FOWLEY (cackling): You call that long? Why, you've just begun! (looking at MULDER & DOGGETT:) Helping the little lady along, my fine gentlemen?
(MULDER and DOGGETT, not sure of what to do, exchange shrugs with each other.)
FOWLEY (continuing): Well, stay away from her!! (glaring at MULDER:) Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!!
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh-me-oh-my. I am so scared.
FOWLEY (ignoring MULDER as she turns her attention to DOGGETT): And you!! I'll make a beehive out of you!!
DOGGETT (giving her an odd look): You know, you really need to work on your threats. Beehive? That doesn't exactly have a threatening ring to it.
FOWLEY (angrily turning her attention back to MULDER): Here, Scarecrow!! Wanna play ball?!
(FOWLEY suddenly throws a fireball at MULDER. MULDER, SCULLY, and QUEEQUEG jump out of the way while FOWLEY disappears in a plume of red smoke. DOGGETT stomps on the fire and puts it out.)
MULDER (to SCULLY): Well, that settles it. I'm going with you to the Capital City whether I get a brain or not!
DOGGETT (not about to be outdone by MULDER): And I'm going with you to the Capital City whether I get a new axe or not!
SCULLY (genuinely thankful as she stuffs the oil can in her little basket): Oh, you two are the best friends anyone could have!
MULDER (muttering to DOGGETT): I'm more of a best friend than you are.
DOGGETT (muttering back): No, *I'm* more of a best friend than *you* are.
MULDER: Are not.
DOGGETT: Are too.
MULDER: Are not!!
DOGGETT: Are too!!
SCULLY: Cut it out, both of you!! You're equal!!
(MULDER & DOGGETT glare at each other, but don't say anything.)
SCULLY (continuing): And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known you two all along . . . But I couldn't have, could I?
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, no.
DOGGETT (equally sarcastic): Goodness, no.
SCULLY: Hmmm. Well, we know each other now, though, don't we?
MULDER: That's right.
DOGGETT: We sure do.
MULDER: To the Capital City?
SCULLY & DOGGETT: To the Capital City!
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT (arm-in-arm as they do that happy little skippy dance down the Yellow Brick Road with QUEEQUEG at their heels as they sing):
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,
Or maybe he still is!!
We're not sure because all those
Verb tenses really trip us up,
Because, because, because, because, because!!
Because we got F's in English class!!
We're off to bug the President!!
The President of the U.S.!!
(MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and QUEEQUEG dance off into the distance.)
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What will become of the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, Dorothy, and Toto as they continue the long journey down the Yellow Brick Road? Will Dorothy and Toto ever get home? Will the Scarecrow get a brain? Will the Tin Man get a new axe? How much longer can I drag this fic out before they finally get to the Capital City? Will Jimmy ever return with the food he promised to the rest of the Storm Cellar Gang? And why is everyone being so critical of Mulder and Scully in the X-Files movie? How much longer will Mulder and Doggett be able to stand the torture of watching Scully get Pouty-Wouty eyes in the movie? How many more suspenseful questions can I tack-on to the end here before you go insane? Are you insane now? Are you about to go insane? Were you already insane about four or five questions ago? What about now? Now? Now?
Okay, all right, I'll stop. Well, anyway, log-on next time for Chapter 5, which will contain the long-awaited introduction of the Cowardly Lion. (Hoo, boy, folks: You're gonna *love* my pick for the Cowardly Lion . . . LOL).
All right, enough with Pouty-Wouty eyes. Click on the ruby slippers to get to part 5, you big baby.
